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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreeing with my friend when she seeks my opinion

49 replies

fabbydabbydoodah · 06/09/2010 21:42

Okay, bit of a story. My friend left her husband in Feb this year, they've got 2 kids who are 5 and 1. She started seeing her new boyfriend in March. It came up in conversation the other day that she's planning on leaving her children with her Mum for a week and I told her I didn't think it was fair on the children. She can't understand why and kept telling me she loves her children and she needed a break. I've never disputed that she loves her children and as far as having a break is concerned, she gets one every other weekend when they stay with their Dad.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it very unfair on her children that she'd leave them with her Mum to go off on a jolly with a new man without them??? I wouldn't want to go on holiday without my son unless he was going away too either with his Dad or Grandparents or something...

I almost wish she hadn't put the idea to us because she now keeps bringing it up clearly expecting me to have changed my opinion.

OP posts:
EleFunTess · 06/09/2010 21:44

Did she ask for your opinion? I mean, actually say 'what do you think?' If she did, then fair enough, you gave it. But if she didn't, what business is it of yours, really?

I love going on holiday without my kids, btw!

scurryfunge · 06/09/2010 21:44

I don't think it is any of your business. If the children are in safe hands and it is only for a week, what is the problem?

Original poster
fabbydabbydoodah · 06/09/2010 21:46

It's not my business and I'm fully aware that I can't tell her how to bring up her children, nor would I. However she asked for my opinion and couldn't understand why I didn't agree with her.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love a relaxing break but on the same basis, I wouldn't enjoy it knowing I could be sharing an adventure in a different country with my son.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 06/09/2010 21:47

It has got absolutely nothing to do with you. It's hardly dangerous or neglectful. Are you just jealous that she is going to be spending a week getting shagged senseless?

Hassled · 06/09/2010 21:47

Holidays without the kids are one of these things that some parents are absolutely, completely happy with, and some parents recoil with horror at the very thought of. You obviously don't share the same view - fair enough. Just leave it.

Portofino · 06/09/2010 21:49

I think if I was a single parent, and had the opportunity of a break, AND grandma was happy to step in, I would be going for it!

My DH travels for work a lot. I have an all too brief insight into what it must be like to be on your own ALL the time. I would be happy for her! Or maybe you are just jealous maybe?

Original poster
fabbydabbydoodah · 06/09/2010 21:50

It's got nothing to do with jealousy - I do not go without in the department of shagging or holidays!

She made it something to do with me by asking my opinion.

OP posts:
deakell · 06/09/2010 21:50

She asked for your opinion, she doesn't like what you had to say. Tough really, don't ask if you don't want somebody to disagree with you.

YANBU and I don't like leaving my kids either, although I do appreciate that lots of women happily do, everybody has a great time (mums on break and kids spoiled with grandparents etc..), and I have no problem with this at all.

nameymcnamechange · 06/09/2010 21:51

Yanbu. I really don't think people should ask friends for their opinion if they don't want to hear the answer.

My best friend is currently a bit cool with me because she asked if I would send my dc to private school if they could get a full scholarship (she is considering this for her son) and I said, No, never. She didn't want to hear it!

mazzystartled · 06/09/2010 21:51

I think she is probably feeling hurt by your comment.

I love going on holiday with my kids but equally I'd love to go on holiday without them (chance would be a fine thing). Probably really important to her to have this holiday with new man. Child with nanny. Everyone happy. Give her a break.

CarmenSanDiego · 06/09/2010 21:51

I mildly agree with you. A week is a very long time for a one year old.

But I wouldn't criticise a friend unless she specifically asked my opinion. In the grand scheme of things, it's probably not what I'd want to do but it's not something I'd class as abusive.

Original poster
fabbydabbydoodah · 06/09/2010 21:51

Thank you Hassled for understanding that some people enjoy spending time with their children - was starting to feel a bit weird for it taking some enjoyment in sharing a holiday with my son!

OP posts:
CarmenSanDiego · 06/09/2010 21:52

Oh, if she asked your opinion, then fair enough. But might have been better to have tactfully avoided in the interests of friendship.

deakell · 06/09/2010 21:54

Of course it has something to do with her, the title of the thread says the friend asked her opinion for pete's sake. Sounds likd DF made it her business.

I never fail to be amazed at the completely unrelated and random musings some people come up with; you're jealous, you're not getting shagged!

Blardy hell!

ChocFudgeCake · 06/09/2010 21:54

It seems to me that you are a good friend to tell her what you think (she asked!). You don't need to agree with her. She'll have to accept it and decide what's best.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 06/09/2010 21:55

Depends on the relationship with the grandmother. My 3 children are very close to my mother (and father, but my mum in particular). They are absolutely happy to be left with them. It sounds a good opportunity and it's not the same as leaving them with someone paid to care for them.

BitOfFun · 06/09/2010 21:55

Are you in the market for a sainthood or something? Because I believe the Pope is visiting soon.

Original poster
fabbydabbydoodah · 06/09/2010 21:56

As previously mentioned, it has nothing to do with jealousy - I am quite happy in that department thankyouverymuch!

OP posts:
ChocFudgeCake · 06/09/2010 21:57

AND I am one of those weird people who don't go on holidays without the kids Grin

JaneS · 06/09/2010 21:57

Maybe she's just closer to her mum than you are to yours/ her children are closer to their gran than yours are?

Would you feel the same if a married friend had gone off on an adults' holiday with her husband, or is it the 'new boyfriend' issue?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 06/09/2010 21:59

I don't think you were unreasonable to give your opinion btw but I do think thinking this is a bit unreasonable:

"Am I being unreasonable in thinking it very unfair on her children that she'd leave them with her Mum to go off on a jolly with a new man without them??? I wouldn't want to go on holiday without my son unless he was going away too either with his Dad or Grandparents or something..."

It entirely depends on the relationship the children have with their grandparents. For some families it's not the right thing to do, for others it is absolutely the right thing for all concerned. I don't think you can generalise.

Original poster
fabbydabbydoodah · 06/09/2010 22:01

She's not as close to her Mum as I am to mine, nor are her children, not that that has anything to do with it as far as I'm concerned - obviously she wouldn't leave them with her Mum for that long if she wasn't happy about it.

I just don't understand why she's getting so annoyed that I don't agree with her for doing it. It wouldn't make any difference whether she was married to the boyfriend or not - he's actually lovely for the record. Nor do I understand why she asked for an opinion and didn't like it that I don't share her view that's all.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/09/2010 22:02

yes YABU

my children would love nothing more than to get to spend a week with their grandma

seriously... they would actually kill me if they thought they could go and live with er

so, i would gladly let them have a little holiday with her while i spent some time with a new bloke, were i to have one!

JaneS · 06/09/2010 22:06

Of course her and her children's relationship with her mum has something to do with it! Your OP makes it sound as if she's doing something that's mean to the children while enjoying herself - which isn't going to be true if she and her children see holiday with granny as a treat.

You're not BU to have an opinion, but you're not really doing yourself favours with the way you put it across, imo.

BellasFormerFriend · 06/09/2010 22:07

fabby, I understand that your friend asked for your opinion, fair enough but I am a bit confused about your opinion!

Of course we all like holidays with our children but "whatever you said about enjoing an adventure in a different country with your son"?? This person has clearly been through a relationship breakdown and now wants to get to know her new man, part of getting to know someone has to be finding out what they are like without the children around too - because life is not actually 100% about children, they do only stay at home for a relativly short amount of time - hopefully a lot less time than this new relationship will last!

TBH your response/op makes it sound a lot more like you are just being sniffy about the fact that she got a new man so fast.

Clearly you feel honesty is important so why not be honest with yourself, you are cross that she didn't take a "decent" amount of time before getting into something new and you are peeved that she does not run her relationship with her children the way you think she should do.