Disagreeing with my friend when she seeks my opinion

[fabbydabbydoodah]

Okay, bit of a story. My friend left her husband in Feb this year, they've got 2 kids who are 5 and 1. She started seeing her new boyfriend in March. It came up in conversation the other day that she's planning on leaving her children with her Mum for a week and I told her I didn't think it was fair on the children. She can't understand why and kept telling me she loves her children and she needed a break. I've never disputed that she loves her children and as far as having a break is concerned, she gets one every other weekend when they stay with their Dad.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it very unfair on her children that she'd leave them with her Mum to go off on a jolly with a new man without them??? I wouldn't want to go on holiday without my son unless he was going away too either with his Dad or Grandparents or something...

I almost wish she hadn't put the idea to us because she now keeps bringing it up clearly expecting me to have changed my opinion.

She probably wasn't asking your opinion- just for reassurance. But that's the danger in phrasing it as if you are seeking opinions.

Mine love to go to granny's (even my severely disabled son asks constantly). I suspect this is because granny & grandad give them biscuits in her bed.

I love my boys to bits, but I truly enjoy some time off away from them, and have recently done so. If I had taken them on my last trip away (3 days) I'd have been limited in what I could do, and they would have been exhausted being dragged around to places which although interesting for them, would have been way too much for them to do all in a short space of time.

You have imposed upon her YOUR feelings, how you would feel if it were YOU, instead of putting yourself in HER position. Quite different situations.

To her DCs a week with their Grandma will quite possibly be a better holiday than tagging along with mum, getting spoilt, having lots of treats and outings, but not getting utterly exhausted by being dragged from pillar to post, or bored lounging beside a pool, etc. So how is that UNFAIR? Holidays away can actually be quite difficult for some children.

I didn't mean their relationship has nothing to do with it in that sense - more that she didn't ask my opinion on that!!!

Why is she not leaving the children with their father?

If she asked your opinion YANBU in giving it.

FWIW I wouldn't want to go away without my ds either and would say if asked but then would probably say 'I wouldn't want to but if your confortable with it its your choice'

Mindyou having said this DS went away with GP for BH weekend while I stayed home missing him.

It changes anyway. I would never have left ds1 when he was my one and only little one. IN fact when he was 2 my inlaws bought us a holiday in Paris and we never used it.

But times have changed. I have quite desperately needed time away now I have 3 including one severely disabled. The existence of my mother is quite frankly a lifesaver for us (and perhaps more importantly a marriage saver- we don't go away much one weekend 5 years ago, a week this summer, and a few years ago we took ds2 and ds3 for an NT holiday without their disabled brother). If we didn't have my Mum we would have to get on with it, but we do and so we can have her help and very grateful we are too.

If your friend is a single mum she may just need that week away - not in a life or death way, but just in a way that if it's offered and the kids are going to be happy whilst she's away then why not.

fabby, you asked us if it was unreasonable to think she was very unfair going off on a jolly and leaving them. I've given my view why it might not be unfair - that the kids might love the idea of their own holiday with granny.

Now you say that's not up for discussion because she didn't ask your opinion on their relationship with their granny.

I'm sorry, but I don't see what you're getting at any more? If you want us all to say you're wonderful and right, isn't it a bit ironic that you don't like your friend doing the same?

The last trip we had away (which was work for me but dh accompanied me as it was abroad) which was in July we arrived home very delayed (we were in a train crash on our way back). My parents had moved into our house whilst we were away and had told ds1 that 'when mummy and daddy come home then you can come and stay with us'. Meaning a week later or something.

The delay meant we arrived home at 11pm rather than 5pm. We arrived, cuddle the kids, put ds2 and ds3 (who had stayed up for us) into bed. Mum and Dad tried to leave only to be accosted by ds1 who had packed his suitcase and was trying to leave with them. So we have to explain 'when mummy and daddy get home' meant next week, not this week!

Yes, I'm more than happy to leave my children with my parents.

Okay maybe I didn't word the original story very well. I know the children wouldn't prefer to be left with their grandmother while their mother went away, particularly the older one.

However my friend doesn't understand that I see things differently and I wouldn't do it despite the close relationship my son has with his grandparents.

But I think that's not what she asked, LittleRedDragon. I thought that she was unsure that it was ok to disagree with her friend (eventhought the friend had asked for an opinion).

How can you know the children wouldn't prefer to be left with their grandmother or enjoy it? I wouldn't have a clue what any of my friend's kids thought about a holiday with their grandparents.

'Am I being unreasonable in thinking it very unfair on her children that she'd leave them with her Mum to go off on a jolly with a new man without them???'

It is in the OP, it is what she asked.

I'm sure we'd all agree it's fine if the OP wouldn't choose to do what her friend did and left it at that.

Fabby here again "However my friend doesn't understand that I see things differently and I wouldn't do it despite the close relationship my son has with his grandparents"

I think you are missing the key point, she was asking about what she would/could do, not what you could/could do...perhaps her mistake was in thinking that you would have the ability/inclination to see things from another persons POV? I have to say that seems likely given the evidence shown here!

I find some people are very sensitive to the idea of other people having or even expressing opinions on what they do. Granted, some tactless people express their opinions carelessly or too often, and such people should be cheerfully shot. But just saying what you think - especially if asked, should not in itself be a problem unless you're particularly hypersensitive. In which case it's the hypersensitivity that's the problem.

OP, my thought is that perhaps if their family life is still unsettled after the split it might be too soon for a whole week's break - only the mother/ father knows that and presumably she has already thought about it. In any case YANBU about the one-year-old, though I guess perhaps that depends on his/ her relationship with the granny. I have no personal experience of this to be able to comment.

She will do what ever she wants to do - it's not at all down to me to tell her that.

She asked our opinion on her doing it - how do I possibly have anything to go on other than what I would do?

you do not have a true nor proper friendship, if you cannot give your opinion (nicely, but honestly) freely when specifically asked

or else what is the point of asking ?

my best friend and I can be honest with each other, sometimes when it is something you may not particularly want to hear

Eh??

So you have no other input/interest other than what you would do? really? Gosh you must have lead a very sheltered life to have only your own personal experience to draw from!

Surely even being on MN is enough to open up your mind to the fact that there may be different ways to conduct your life!

There are many views/opinions etc however the most important things have to be care, tact, humanity....I could go on but this is supposed to be your friend.

bella...can you not be honest with your friends ?

OP gave her opinion when asked a direct question

Oh yes I most certainly can and do AF, I can also be understanding and kind - honesty does not always have to make life difficult. It is perfectly acceptable to be honest and helpful ie "Well, i don't think i would however I cannot really imagine what you and your dc have been through in the last few months...." erm...oh, any one of a hundred different responses that get your point across without coming across as someone in the full flush of "how perfect is my life" which this op is IMHO.

I see nothing in the OP that makes me think she gave her opinion (when asked to, remember) in a callous nor smug way at all...

some judgements are being made on this thread, and the OP applied her own thoughts to the situation, of course she did

she was asked her opinion and gave it

I think her friend spat the dummy out because she didn't get a passive there-there and pat on the back for leaving her kids to go off a week-long shagging session with new DP

having said all that, I don't agree with OP's opinion, and think her friend bloody well should go on a shagathon with new DP (oh...to have that chance....)

however, I think Op should be able to say how she really feels in a true friendship

not one which relies for its longevity upon women blindly agreeing with everything anybody says !

Well, I agree with you about the shagathon, 100%! However I think that, in a true friendship the friend should be able to look at the situation and be fair as well as honest. I also think that people should not be so blinkered as to think the only relevent experience with which to form an opinion is their own - that just displays such a complete level of up-ones-self-ness that it makes me want to shout obsenities!

did you used to have a friend called Bella...and did she disagree with you ???

OP disagreeing outspokenly with her friend: fine.

OP starting an AIBU slagging of her friend's parenting style and hoping we'll all agree: strange, and a bit smug.

Imo.

AF