AIBU to be angry at the shop assistant (and furious with myself for doing nothing)?

[pearlsandtwinset]

DD (3.3) was misbehaving in large DIY store; not hugely - she was just running around and not listening to me and being pretty noisy. I was trying to pay and so couldn't keep an eye on her. When I saw her careering off in the other direction, I ran over and fetched her and brought her back to the till.

The shop assistant, who was probably in her fifties leaned over and said to DD, 'If you don't start behaving your mother will give you a good spanking you naughty little girl'.

Looking back I am furious that she threatened my DD. She wasn't doing any harm really, but I was so shocked I said nothing.

I might have warranted some parenting criticism and would not have minded if she had said something to me but I don't want strangers threatening my child (and I don't believe it hitting as a punishment). Or am I just being over sensitive?

I would be furious

YANBU

She was indirectly having a go at your parenting.....I'd be annoyed at the phrase she used but she hasn't threatened your child.

Yes you are. Although I don't think it is an appropriate thing to say to another person's child, it isn't that bad! I think 'furious' and 'threatened' are an overreaction. But I am notoriously thick skinned . Enjoy your rage!

that's terrible!

Complain to the shop.

Nosey, interfering bat!!!

I probably would have reacted exactly the same - in terms of being too shocked to say anything!

It really annoys me when people give you funny looks or shake their heads in disgust when your child decides to play up at the wrong moment. It irritates me most because many of these people have had their own children already and seem to forget that children are not robots and do not always behave in a way that you're happy with. Do they seriously think we tell our children to behave like this?!! Kids are kids and will always push the boundaries but just because they're still learning how far to push, doesn't necessarily mean they're not being parented or that said parent needs someone elses, often unwanted, opinion on the matter!

Rant over! You are perfectly well within your rights to have been annoyed - you discipline your child however you see fit. I'd complain to the shop!

as scurryfunge

no, you're not being overly sensitive. I wouldn't have liked it either

It was an inappropriate thing to say .... but to get angry with a woman who probably thought it was the way things are still done as it was in her day, is just wasted breath ...

She didn't really threaten your child ...

yanbu to be cross, though to be fair to her I don't think it's reasonable to say that she threatened your dd. It seems likely she thought she was making an entirely appropriate remark to help you out with your misbehaving little one.

If you want to get it off your mind, go back to the store, ask to see a supervisor and tell them about it in the interests of them offering some further training to their checkout staff. You might even get a voucher out of it if you treat it as though you're doing them a favour in pointing out an area where they could improve their service.

Are you sure she wasn't trying to sort of help pull her into line by trying to present what she thought was a united front? It was only one generation ago that's how naughty little children were dealt with.

Either way, whilst it wasn't her place to comment (for want of a better terminology) I think you are probably over-reacting slightly in your rage as it sounds to me like she meant well and was trying to help.

How did your DD react?

I'd have told her to mind her own business. But I'm a mouthy cow so it's a reflex action after 3 years of dealing with my fair share of interferring old bags ladies

YANBU to be pissed off. I'm a shop assistant myself and would never idly threaten a customer even if she was "only joking".

"Threatened"?

maybe she means frightened more than threatened

Yes, you are right, I'm not sure threatened was the right word (writing quickly between cooking supper).

I wouldn't have minded her saying something along the lines of 'you know you shouldn't run off' or 'listen to your mum' or directly to me 'you should try to have more control over her you know' (which I knew!). I think more than anything it was the notion that I was going to give her a good old fashioned hiding that shocked me. Even if I believed in it, she wasn't even being that bad (i.e. even if I did spank her, I wouldn't have considered it for that behaviour).

YANBU, I think I might have said "I would most certainly not do that as there are laws against that type of thing these days, didn't you realise?"

silly old biddy....

I agree with Sloanypony. I think it is just old skool terminology here. Let it go and save your battles.

I suspect she thought she was backing you up. Not a good way to go about it of course but maybe that's how she brought up her DC.

Similar happened to me last year. DS was 3 also and being a complete s* everytime we went to the supermarket. I was 8 and a half months pregnant and had stopped taking him with me shopping as I was on mat leave and he was at nursery 4 days a week. That week I had to take him as we were having building work done the next day and so couldn't go shopping.

DS was horrible, biting me and being nasty. I had packed most of the shopping but there was a build up as the checkout woman was putting it through faster than I could pack. DS was being more and more disruptive so checkout woman got up, went round to him and told him he wouldn't be allowed to come in there again if he was rude. Then she said to me "My kids never behaved like that - I wouldn't have let them". I burst into tears and walked out. Sat in the car for an hour in tears. DH had to do shopping for me that night. Still avoid the woman at supermarket.

That's horrible, SweetKate. How did she know that your DS didn't have some kind of special need that wasn't outward visible, like autism or something? Fair enough to chastise kids in order to try and make them behave for their parent, but to infer that your parenting skills are crap - totally out of order.

It is a threat though (although my DD would probably call her bluff and threaten to hit her back). If an adult customer was rushing around or mouthing off at me I wouldn't say "oi! stop that or I'll slap you!"

It was a threat of a threat made by a woman who grew up thinking bullying and intimidation was the way to assert authority ... I wouldn't waste my breath

"a woman who probably thought it was the way things are still done as it was in her day"

"silly old biddy...."

"interferring old bags ladies"

Why is ageism the only prejudice that goes unchallenged on MN?

She was in her 50's fgs hardly an old biddy and not typical of her generation - I'm 54 and it's certainly not how I brought up my children.

The only mother I know who smacks her children is 33.

There are in fact no rules against a mother spanking her child to chastise her for wrongdoing. (not expressing an opinion on the subject, just correcting an error of fact.)