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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry at the shop assistant (and furious with myself for doing nothing)?

47 replies

pearlsandtwinset · 06/09/2010 17:02

DD (3.3) was misbehaving in large DIY store; not hugely - she was just running around and not listening to me and being pretty noisy. I was trying to pay and so couldn't keep an eye on her. When I saw her careering off in the other direction, I ran over and fetched her and brought her back to the till.

The shop assistant, who was probably in her fifties leaned over and said to DD, 'If you don't start behaving your mother will give you a good spanking you naughty little girl'.

Looking back I am furious that she threatened my DD. She wasn't doing any harm really, but I was so shocked I said nothing.

I might have warranted some parenting criticism and would not have minded if she had said something to me but I don't want strangers threatening my child (and I don't believe it hitting as a punishment). Or am I just being over sensitive?

OP posts:

elterwater · 06/09/2010 17:31

Rusty - The ageism in some of these posts has offended me too.

Itsjustafleshwound · 06/09/2010 17:32

I don't think I am ageist - it is just the fact that if she was 50 or so, kids in the 70s and 80s were hit and it wasn't frowned upon like it is now.

prozacfairy · 06/09/2010 17:32

Oh yeah itsjustafleshwound (love the name btw) I wouldn't get into a longwinded debate with her just a curt "I'll parent my DC myself, ta very much" is enough imo.

DD was sitting in her buggy in town once, bit grouchy, just woken up and teething and a very nasty old dear came up to me and said "if she was mine I'd slap her face, moaning on like that." because at 9 months old DD's behaviour wasn't even an actual tantrum could just about muster a "trot on you dried up old hag" before storming off.

Original poster

pearlsandtwinset · 06/09/2010 17:38

Sorry RustyBear, didn't mean to bring age into it. For me was thinking more about the fact she might have forgotten what it was like to have children and not be old enough for grandchildren yet. Definitely didn't mean to be ageist.

OP posts:

massivemammaries · 06/09/2010 17:39

I smack my children as a matter of fact and it is not against the law

prozacfairy · 06/09/2010 17:40

Rusty- I can see your point I suppose. Although at 24 a 50 something year old is pretty old to me

Ageism works both ways ofcourse. I know plenty of patronising "older people" (is older people ok?) Asssumptions are made almost everyone. People assume a lot of things about me, based solely on my age. Some true, some utter bollocks.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/09/2010 17:42

Rustybear, it's just a phrase - "silly old biddy" to mean an interfering busybody who is older than yourself. I'm certainly not saying that 53 is old, of course not!

RustyBear · 06/09/2010 18:26

I agree that ageism works both ways - I'm just as much against it when practised by the old against the young!

sorrento56 · 06/09/2010 18:29

I would have given her a real mouthful. I am mad at myself I did nothing when someone told my 5 year old off yesterday. We were at a day out and she lives in the house there. We won't go again and we wouldn't recommend it anyway but we then didn't spend the money we were going too in their shop as she was awful and the food was vile.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/09/2010 18:33

I live in fear of this happening,..DD has SN and is like a very young toddler but looks 5, I am lucky noone has said this to me, I feel your pain, that was way out of line of her!

mumbar · 06/09/2010 18:50

ageism aside my mum is in her 50's and in her day people were more comfortable disiplining anothers dc, but I think parents were far less precious then.

I don't mean that against anyone but there often threads on here AIBU not to like someone else telling my child off.

I think if a parent is there then the parent should tell a child off, but if it isn't working, or parent is ignoring back turned can't see etc or struggling then someone else stepping in can be beneficial.

An example would be: A few weeks ago I was talking to my dowmstairs neighbour on way out with DS. He was desperate to get out as it had rained all week. He was just running around nagging etc about 'are we going now'. Very out of character for him. I kept calling him back asking him not to be rude etc. After 3rd time my neighbour (in her 40's if thats relevant) called DS and said why are you not listening to mummy. He shrugged and she said 'its not like you your usually good for mummy but if you don't listen she may not take you out'. He came up and opologised and waited nicely. I was grateful NOT offended.

That said OP I wouldn't have wanted someone to say that to DS - it seems a bit OTT. And I'm not against smacking.

sterrryerryoh · 06/09/2010 19:19

I think that?s a very insensitive thing to say to someone - I know lots of people use smacking as a form of discipline, but what if that child was in foster care having previously been physically abused - or worse still, in an abusive environment daily? The repercussions of people unthinkingly blurting things out like this, can be far-reaching. I don?t think she was threatening your DD, but I think she was thoughtless.
The other side of the coin - for years my Mum and Dad had a shop, and it was incredible the amount of Mums whose children were playing up in the shop, who used my dad as a threat - ie ?If you don?t stop it that Mr will smack you/tell you off/shout at you? - My dad used to say ?Erm, no I won?t - that?s your job?
Some folk are just daft

Giddyup · 06/09/2010 19:30

It's a generational thing, horrid to have said to your own child. But I have heard loads of people saying "it takes a village to raise a child". She was trying to help, I would have have found it mortifying though.

Once an old man told DS off for misbehaving in his shop and told him in a very scary voice what a naughty little boy he was being, and how dare he behave like that? I was upset at the overreaction but DS soon came and coweredbehindme behaved beautifully.

pink4ever · 06/09/2010 19:40

think I must belong in another era cos I think this was perfectly acceptable! Think she was only trying to help you out(could prob see you were stressed) and often kids will take more notice if someone else says it.But then again I am a smacker so clearly bad parent

mumbar · 06/09/2010 19:48

pink4eva Love the name btw.

Its very rare for my DS to ignore my reprimands to the point someone else has to stepin but when they do he gets really embarrssed so stops - and I usually can't resist a dig about how embaressed I am that someone elase had to tell him too

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 20:25

Does your DD have any idea what a 'good spanking' is?

I would guess not - so it really doesn't matter whether she said that or 'you know you shouldn't run off' really does it.

A lot of women in their 50's are grandparents (unlike our youthful RustyBear :) ) and smacking wasn't seen as the highway to hell, neither was correcting someone else's child.

I really think that you are vastly over thinking this.

OrmRenewed · 07/09/2010 09:53

I don't have a problem with someone telling my child off. If they are misbehaving and DH and I haven't noticed or haven't done anything about it, then it's our fault. The only issue here is the spanking comment surely?

DinahRod · 07/09/2010 10:02

Agree with Orm

BarmyArmy · 07/09/2010 10:41

I think this has something to do with generational differences.

By and large, children were much better-behaved when the woman who spoke to you was of child-bearing age and she was simply expressing exasperation (albeit in an embarrassing (for you) way).

I don't think she meant harm by it though.

Parents don't like being told their children are badly-behaved, least of all by strangers, as you are demonstrating.

MaryBS · 07/09/2010 10:44

I would complain to the shop - she had no right to say that to her, and in any case it was completely unprofessional!

rey · 07/09/2010 10:50

I agree with sloanypony - Are you sure she wasn't trying to sort of help pull her into line by trying to present what she thought was a united front? It was only one generation ago that's how naughty little children were dealt with.

Either way, whilst it wasn't her place to comment (for want of a better terminology) I think you are probably over-reacting slightly in your rage as it sounds to me like she meant well and was trying to help.

Also I understand how you might have felt as you were trying and not just leaving your dd to run around. It was difficult for you. However, I do think the woman was probably trying to add weight to how you were trying to get your dd to behave in that situation where you could not run around after her. I think she was trying in a quick way to show how she understood as she didn't make a sarcastic comment but like has been said it wasn't that long ago that people freely said things like that. PS I am no where near her age just know the older generation.

miso · 07/09/2010 12:09

I think what the assistant in the OP said - although it p'raps wasn't the best phrase in the world - sounds a lot more supportive of the parent than the quite nasty smug comment from the checkout assistant to SweetKate.

The latter would have had me close to tears, especially if we were already having a fraught time. The former - I would have been a bit mortified, but probably thought she was trying to help. And quite possibly it might have helped, as toddlers sometimes can be shocked into obeying a teacher-y kind of stranger.

I do think these days parents face a lot more of what SweetKate had though, as people smugly think they 'oughtn't to interfere', but still can't resist a dig at a harassed mum.

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