WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

Congratulations and well done on both counts!

Suppose we should feel sorry for the vile woman - how dissatisfied with her own life must she be to expend so much energy wondering about the details of yours? Pathetic woman.

And it's probably a good thing she showed how repellant she is now, I can imagine her being the type of person to say something mean to your ds when he's older.

(sorry my spelling is crap - ds sat on my knee farting like an ostrich - tis a bit distracting!)

I have to shoot off now for an hour or so, but thank you all so much again. You?re fabulous, and I wish you were all our family instead!!!

Good grief. It is SEARINGLY obvious that she is jealous of you from what you have written.

She is a %$£"£& a £$(("" and a &&& of the highest order!

Congratulations on your adoption !!

Good lord. You can't seriously be asking if you were unreasonable. Did no-one else tell her to button it? Bloody hell. I suppose if she was pregnant she can't even have been drunk.

Well done sterryerryoh! She completely deserved that (and a good slap too imo).

Glad your dh is supporting you, shocked the rest of the family behaved like fuckwits though.

Don't worry about her now, what goes around comes around.

firstly, many congratulations on your son.

secondly, you are utterly brilliant - doubt anyone else could have come up with a more perfect response than that.

thirdly, wonderful to "see" such a united front with your husband - not a lot of people have that!

enjoy your new life together without ugly family members spoiling it.

Good for you! What a nasty cow. I wouldn't be speaking to her again either unless I got a full and frank, grovelling apology!

Utter bitch!

One word for you OP: BRAVO!

Wish I could be so quick thinking. What you said was perfect.

YWNBU AT ALL.

Sterryerryoh - you should now be in a "Hall of Fame" of some kind for the Perfect Putdown. You splendid woman!!
As others have said - that's the kind of response I come up with in the middle of the night when it's too late.
You officially rock!!
And enjoy your little DS, - many congratulations.
Having friends who adopted I know the heart-breaking rollercoaster ride they were on but the utter joy at the end of it all.

I was clenching my fists reading this.
YANBU in fact you were very civil considering what she deserved.
Surely the rest of the family agree with you?

Is she not quite all there?

Is she a teenager-"firing blanks"?

TBH if you never see any of these "chortlers" again I would see that as positive.

And in one thing YABU-you didn´t slap the silly bitch round the face.

Wow well done! What a nasty piece of work she is. You handled that really well I think. As I was reading your op I was thinking oh what a great response and then I got to your parting shot and thought - even better! She is quite clearly an insensitive and you are better off without her/them.

Oh and congrats on your little boy - enjoy everything and don't give them another thought .

What. A. Bitch. Seriously. I am in awe at your response and ability to hold it together. I cannot believe everyone else just sat there and laughed. Fucking idiots the lot of them. You, your husband and son are well shot of the lot of them.

So obvious from the beginning she was angling for it. Who apologises for being pregnant? My SIL got pregnant a month after I had an ectopic and she told me in a sensitive way, but she didn't say "I'm sorry, it must be so hard for you." NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT!

I am slightly disappointed in this thread. I come on, hoping for a bit of a ruck and there is just someone delivering a killer line and being very restrained under very testing circumstances.

What a twisted, sick person she is. I really can't believe anyone can be that vile to people. Just jaw-dropping

Congratulations on your son - he's a very lucky boy

sterry congratulations on your DS. I'm sure he is gorgeous :)

Feel sorry for the poisonous woman's child. It has no choice about having her for a mother :( I agree with others who say she was just laying the bait. I think there's no harm in asking what the problem is that's causing infertility if it's a) done in a sympathetic manner and b) done so as to be supportive. This was neither. They were all getting a laugh at the expense of you and your DH. THey're not worth knowing and yanbu.

You gave her chance after chance to take back her words, and not only didn't she; they all piled in. You and DH were perfectly right have a massive go at them.

You're going to be really good parents, giving your child a strong moral compass and sharp line in comebacks. Not like those monkeys you've now shaken out of the family tree.

What a nasty piece of work. She must really hate you to come out with such vile crap or she is like this all the time, in which case I imagine she will soon go through the whole family and no one will be speaking to her.

I can't believe none of the rest said anything. Or were they in shock. I can't imagine any member of my family not telling her straight away to shut up. Looks like they all deserve each other.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I wonder if your DH needs to have a chat to his brother to find out what is being said behind your back. Might explain why no one else stood up for you. That is if you are bothered with that relationship. TBH I'd be tempted to say stuff them all.

No, the rest of them were laughing - it seemed very much to me as though they had often sat and talked about what was ?wrong? with us, and were just waiting for the opportunity to ask, for nosiness/gossip sake, rather than as a genuine concern. Fortunately for them, none of them have ever had to suffer the pain of infertility, and they clearly have no clue as to why her remarks were insensitive and rude.

There is a slight age gap between me and DH and the rest of them (DH is the eldest cousin/brother and then there is a gap of 6 years and then the rest of them are very similar ages to each other) and most of the wives/girlfriends are in their early-mid twenties, so they socialise often, but we don?t socialise with them, apart from on family occasions. We don?t mind not being in their circle of friends, but they are very tight with each other, and they definitely weren?t shocked at her questions - more that they were expectant of an answer. I have no idea what they think of my reaction, and I don?t care.
DH came in from work this evening, and I?ve showed him this thread. He would like to extend his thanks to you all, and asked me to tell you that he?s sticking two metaphorical fingers up at them, until we receive an apology and some genuine warmth.
We?re not holding out much hope
Thank God for MN!

You and your DH are AMAZING! Your DS is a very lucky boy.

So lovely that your DH feels the same about their awful attitude.

His brothers reaction by text is not exactly forthcoming with apologies either is it?

well done sterrry, your response was fab. Congratulations to you, your dh and your gorgeous baby boy. I can't believe how spitefull some people are !! we have an adopted son and dh family were a bit strange about it but never really came out with anything quite so vile as that !!

"Fortunately for them, none of them have ever had to suffer the pain of infertility, and they clearly have no clue as to why her remarks were insensitive and rude."

I find that incredible tbh.

Are they all completely socially inept?

I mean FFS, when my best friend was having problems TTC I was dying to know why, but to what end-other than satisfying my curiosity?

It wasn´t going to help her was it?

Were there any close relatives there who you normally have a good relationship with or was it people that you are not really that bothered about?

Diddl - we have never had a bad relationship with any of them - DH?s brother and SIL were there, and 5 of DH?s cousins and their partners. We?re closer to some of them than others, but have always got on just fine with them all. Before DS arrived, we used to see each other about once a month and on family birthdays, always on Christmas day etc - never been a problem. DH and I have been together for 12 years, so I?ve known them that long - and it?s always been fine. We?re definitely family rather than friends, iyswim, but neither DH nor I are bothered now if we never see any of them again. Apart from one cousin and DH?s SIL, they?ve all been notable by their absence from our lives for the past 8 months anyway - they clearly don?t know how to engage with us about the adoption. Their loss!

Nice to see that, despite all this support and egging on to see the rellies as horrible, you are still behaving so nicely, even putting in the effort of analysing their behaviour and their group relationship dynamics.

Sooooooo superior (in a nice way).

good on you ..... hope she did chock on her food