To 'allow' step-dc to call me Mum.

[strawberrycake]

I'm 27 and my step dc are 16 and 12. I have been told by both a family member and a colleague I shouldn't let them cal me 'Mum' as it's inappropriate/ embarrassing in public as we clearly look our ages (well possibly younger in my case, often a bit older in 16 yr old dd's case).

I am right in thinking it would be incredibly cold of me to tell them to stop? I'd fell like I was pushing them out of the family unit. I have acted as a mother to them now for years. They started off calling me by my name but dd in particular disliked this as it caused questions from her friends (who were at the time too young to judge my age) and asked to call me Mum. DS being younger called me Mum quite naturally from a young age as it went with 'Dad'. He kept slipping up and saying 'Mum', then gave up correcting himself. The title stuck. I do everything for them a birth mother would, despite being too young to have actually given birth to them. It does get quite a few looks on the bus or when they shout it out in the Supermarker (hv eyebrows nearly popped off the first time and their teachers have looked like they're burning to ask more at parents eve, I know it must be gossiped about) but I just brazen it out and I never explain they're not 'mine' as they always look shy and awkward if the topic comes up, plus I don't want them to make them feel less to me than ds I gave birth to.

They call their birth Mother 'Mama' btw, and they have a good (but very different) relationship with both of us. If either of them ask to call me by my name again in public or at home I'll have no issue with it, as they may do as they become more aware of the age issue. Though if dd hasn't stopped saying Mum by 16 I doubt she will. I think it's a bit like giving a term of respect to me.

If you, the children, your DH and their mum are happy with it then it's no-one elses business. So YANBU. You sound like a great step-mum

YANBU - I think you sound lovely, just ignore these comments you do not need to justify your decision to these people. Aside from the fact that YOU don't want to change anything, how on earth do these people think that by simply telling your step children to stop calling you this that they will do it - how would that make them feel?!?

Well, if their birth mother has no problem with it then I would say that's fine (if a bit unusual). If their real mother doesn't like it, then I would discourage it.

To be honest- I think they call me by my first name to birth mother as I think she may have an issue. Noone askes her, nor do I ask them. It's not great but there is zero communication between adults involved beyond the essential money needs/ collection of children. Sadly this is a massive improvement from all out warfare between dh and ex. They have a good relationship with her, but do tend to keep their two lives pretty separate. It's difficult for them, but beyond previous efforts to keep the peace (I have for example stepped in with a compromise on money issues when neither party will budge) I stay out of dh and ex's interactions/

Oh well, even if birth mother doesn't know about it, as long as they don't slip up in front of her, I still think it's fine. It makes them happy so that's the main thing.

She probably knows, ignores it and it used to it as long as noone rubs her face in it! If she was bothered I'm sure she'd be screaming at our door or sending nasty texts as with most things that bother her! Sorry to be a little bitter but I did NOT split them up, met way after they had moved to different countries and I've silently suffered a lot of abuse for the sake of the children over the years..

If the children have chosen it because it's what they want then it's fine. I agree that if you told them not to call you mum anymore it would be very confusing and hurtful to them.

You know what works for you and your family, stick with it.

Personally I wouldn't let my DS call anyone else mum and I would expect their dad to enforce this. If the birth mother was happy with it, then each to their own, but it doesn't sound like she is therefore it should be discouraged. It would be different if she wasn't around

A (male) friend of ours DCs used to call their step dad "daddy xxxxx" and their real dad became "daddy xxxxx" (insert names). Now they are just both dad. I don't agree with it personally. The mother encouraged it and the DD who is older is confused as step daddy used to be "uncle xxxxx" as he was the mothers cousin's DH, until they had an affair.

If everyone is happy about it, I don't see the problem, as long as their mother does not find out or is accepting of it.

My SIL is called Gran by her Step-GD (previous marriage to an older man). She is in her early 40s but looks about 35 and the SGD is 11yo so that raises eyebrows.

If it works for the kids then leave it as it is. It's great that you have a lovely close relationship like this. I don't think it has anything to do with the Birth Mother - the names we give ourselves are social and cultural constructs in any case. Deeds matter more and you are clearly fulfilling an important role in their lives. Their birth mother is being acknowledged equally. Well done you

I agree with DetectivePotato. I really think it should be up to the real mum whether she wants her children to call someone else Mum as well. Personally, I wouldn't allow it but, as it's been let go on so long in this case I presume their mother is agreeable.

'Birth mother' makes me wince sorry

Not a route we took, to be honest.

What if you and their Dad ever split? Will you be 'Mum' then?

As ever, though, I'm projecting our personal experience - DH had trouble coping because DSD went through "Daddy X" "Daddy Y" and "Daddy Z" before her Mum realised it was better for the kids to have a first name relationship.

I've always been "Firstname" to DSD, and it's good because now we have the relationship we should - slightly less respectful than parental, kind of like favourite auntie.

I've always been nicknamed Esme (Evil Step Mother, Ewwww), that works too.

Mixed opinions. I can see how it might affect their mum, but to be honest I put their feelings above hers. They are kids in a difficult situation which was not of their making, I'd go with whatever they want. If my ds is every in the same situation I'll put his feelings first. IF he lives with another woman and feels difficult being the only one not shouting 'mum' in the playground I'll have to put his feelings first. A name won't change our relationship.

It isn't up to the birth mother though is it?
It's up to the children and they want to call OP "mum". Not a lot the birth mum can do about it anyway. Even if she didn't like it, are you going to tell a little boy that he can't call her mum, despite having done so for so long.

If they call her mama, then I don't see the issue. My friend is gay and she is mum and her partner is mama to their DC. Works fine for them.

Strawberry, you sound like a wonderful mum and don't worry what anybody else says.

What snigger said.

And birth mother is an odd phrase to use. She is their mother, there is no reason to qualify the word.

You love the children, that is wonderful. They are lucky to have someone who cares for them so much. You are not their mum.

I don't think it's a good idea. You're not their mum and they have a mum.

YANBU. The children have made this decision which to me shows how much love, care and attention you must give them and the respect they have for you in return. If you at 27 have no problem with being called mum by a 16yo why should anyone else

Do they live with btw?? (makes no diff just asking)

Crisp, ask someone who's been adopted what the definition of mother is and if it shouldn't be qualified. I think they might disagree with your summary of it all.

Do they live with you? I can see if you are the one they are around more, then it might be more natural to them.

If the DCs want to call your Mum, then that's their call. They might stop when they are older, so try not to be upset if they do.

deakell were not talking about adoption!! Their birth mother` is alive and kicking by the sound of things.

I was not giving a definition of the word mother fgs, I was responding to the OP!!!!!

If they have been calling you mum, you obviously mean a lot to them.

Whether you should or should not have allowed this in the first place is irrelevent now because it's done and the time machine is yet to be invented so it can't be changed.

To now try to tell them they can no longer call you mum would be a very hurtful rejection of them.

crisp - with all due respect many mothers of children who are adopted out (sorry if thats the wrong term) are also alive and kicking.