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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'allow' step-dc to call me Mum.

55 replies

strawberrycake · 06/09/2010 10:48

I'm 27 and my step dc are 16 and 12. I have been told by both a family member and a colleague I shouldn't let them cal me 'Mum' as it's inappropriate/ embarrassing in public as we clearly look our ages (well possibly younger in my case, often a bit older in 16 yr old dd's case).

I am right in thinking it would be incredibly cold of me to tell them to stop? I'd fell like I was pushing them out of the family unit. I have acted as a mother to them now for years. They started off calling me by my name but dd in particular disliked this as it caused questions from her friends (who were at the time too young to judge my age) and asked to call me Mum. DS being younger called me Mum quite naturally from a young age as it went with 'Dad'. He kept slipping up and saying 'Mum', then gave up correcting himself. The title stuck. I do everything for them a birth mother would, despite being too young to have actually given birth to them. It does get quite a few looks on the bus or when they shout it out in the Supermarker (hv eyebrows nearly popped off the first time and their teachers have looked like they're burning to ask more at parents eve, I know it must be gossiped about) but I just brazen it out and I never explain they're not 'mine' as they always look shy and awkward if the topic comes up, plus I don't want them to make them feel less to me than ds I gave birth to.

They call their birth Mother 'Mama' btw, and they have a good (but very different) relationship with both of us. If either of them ask to call me by my name again in public or at home I'll have no issue with it, as they may do as they become more aware of the age issue. Though if dd hasn't stopped saying Mum by 16 I doubt she will. I think it's a bit like giving a term of respect to me.

OP posts:
crisproll2 · 06/09/2010 19:53

Is this a joke?

Where, in god`s name, have I mentioned adoption?

HELP!!

Odysseus · 06/09/2010 19:54

I'm afraid I wouldn't give two hoots what the "birth" mother wanted, if it was what the children wanted. It doesn't sound like they use it as a stick to beat their "birth" mother with, or rubbing her nose in it.
I think you sound like a great step mum, and what an honour if the kids do want to call you Mum. Why shouldn't you get such a title if you do all the "mum" jobs for them?!

Altaira · 06/09/2010 19:55

It's completely up to the children as to what they call you. It sounds like you have a good relationship.

How would you stop them anyway?

Some posters are definitely a bit oversensitive about this. If you have a solid relationship with your own DC, then why would it bother you sooo much if they choose to call another person 'mum'. It's a situation that lots of non resident fathers have to adjust to ie DC calling their mum's DP 'dad' or varant of.

sallyseton · 06/09/2010 19:55

It's just a name, if it works for everyone then keep it going and everyone else can mind their own business.

People responding here with step families may be confusing their own set- ups with yours- fine for them to be hurt if their dc started calling step-mum "mum" but every situation is different!

If everyone's happy no need to rock the boat.

deakell · 06/09/2010 20:04

You haven't crisp.
But you then go on to say she's not their mum.

Would biological mother, make you happier?

My friend has a mum, in as much as clearly someone has given birth to her,

This mum is still alive and my friend was never adopted but for various reasons has no relationship with her mum.

She refuses to call her mum and refers to her as her mum in birth only and in no other aspect. Her granny is who she decided to call mum. This is no different to the situation here.

My point being the fact that these kids have a mum who have birth to them and who they know and have a relationship with, doesn't meant somebody else isn't mum to them. It's just a way of distinguishing between these two women who are playing a mother role. One called mama and one called mum. I don't see why anybody should have a problem with this.

SirBoobAlot · 06/09/2010 20:05

I think its lovely you obviously have a very strong relationship with them :) If the children have decided that's what they want to call you, then I think that's all that matters.

deakell · 06/09/2010 20:06

Sorry, bad typos due to small child grabbing arms!

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 20:06

You have to love MN Grin

strawberrycake wasn't asking what we thought of the kids calling her Mum because of their Mama - she was asking because of the age difference and what other people think!!

SC leave things as they are, the people who count are happy - sod the rest of them - they are probably just very impressed that you look so young and not old & harassed!

crisproll2 · 06/09/2010 20:09

The whole point is though not everybody is happy because not everybody knows...

I dont think it is ever a good idea to have secrets from parents. It never ends well. The OP has indicated that relations are already severely strained. What will happen when she finds out? The OP is rightly concerned about the reaction of her step childrens mum. However, it will be the children who will bear the brunt of it.

autodidact · 06/09/2010 20:16

An adoptive mum is a mum. And a child can have 2 mums- I know a little girl who lives with her Mummy and her Mummy X. However, a step-mum is, generally, not a mum (unless she has adopted the child). It is confusing and potentially makes for very difficult family dynamics for them to be referred to as "mum". No matter how super-lovely they are.

marge2 · 06/09/2010 20:19

Lucky you - I wish my relationship with my own SDCs was as good as that. If you and the Step kids are all happy with them calling you Mum, and their 'Mama' is OK with it then nobody else should put you off.

What does your DH think?

nancydrewrocked · 06/09/2010 20:36

I don't think it is a matter that the biological mother had a right to decide. It is for the children to decide and they have.

Everyone else should mind their own.

Original poster
strawberrycake · 06/09/2010 21:38

Just to clarify, I put 'birth mother' to distinguish us for the sake of a post and to add clarity! I added 'birth' after re-reading original post and wanting to avoid confusion between mum/mother/mama. No more. In RL she's 'your mum' to the kids when referring to her, 'their mum' in conversation and 'mama' to them.

Mama I'm sure knows about calling me mum, it's been 8 years now and we're all part of a small recent-immigrant community which is rather close knit. The chances of it actually being a secret are about zero. We have never discussed it for many reasons, she's not the type to bottle it up either if it really bothered her.

OP posts:
crisproll2 · 06/09/2010 21:45

Then what`s the issue then? Am confused!

pozzled · 06/09/2010 21:48

I think it has to be up to the children. If they want to call you Mum then it is really no-one else's business. I don't see why so many posters think that 'Mum' is a sacred word, only to be used in a given set of circumstances. IMO if you think of someone as your mum, and they feel the same then you should call them that!

QuickLookBusy · 06/09/2010 21:58

I think the children are the most important consideration here, not the adults.

It would be cruel to tell the children to stop calling you mum. They are old enough to have made a choice.

I had 2 mums! I call my step mum "mum" because she was and still is, a real mum to me.

My "real" mum has recently died, but although I called her "mum" to her face, [to save her feelings] I called her by her first name if she wasnt there.

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 22:01

Crisproll - first paragraph of the OP is the 'problem'

I'm 27 and my step dc are 16 and 12. I have been told by both a family member and a colleague I shouldn't let them cal me 'Mum' as it's inappropriate/ embarrassing in public as we clearly look our ages (well possibly younger in my case, often a bit older in 16 yr old dd's case)

hairytriangle · 06/09/2010 22:03

If they want to call you mum and you are cool with it then knickers to anyone elses opinions :)

JaynieB · 06/09/2010 22:09

I think the fact they call you Mum is lovely and shows that they care and respect you, mny step kids call me by my name and I'm fine with that, but I have some adult friends who have step mums and called them Mum because they were close and that was what felt right for them.
I wouldn't tell them to stop - the problem is with the other people not you or your family.

frenchfancy · 06/09/2010 22:18

Keep doing what you are doing and ignore everyone else.

If your SC call you mum it is a compliment. I personally see no difference between a step mum who lives with the children and an adoptive mum. You chose to take the children on and they chose to accept you.

I think you are all lucky to have such a happy family.

I sometimes call my stepmum, mum, even though she married my dad after I got married myself, and since he died she is now with someone else. It doesn't stop her refering to me as her "daughter" nor me refering to her as mum.

usualsuspect · 06/09/2010 22:20

I wouldn't be happy if my kids called anyone else mum ..and keeping it secret from their mum is not a good idea imo

Notyetamummy · 06/09/2010 22:33

If it's the age that's bothering you, don't worry. People who don't know you will either think that you look really good for your age or had children v. young - who cares? You don't know them.

My 'step-mother' is the same age as me - doesn't both me!

booyhoo · 06/09/2010 22:45

IMO mum is what you call the female who carries out a parental role. in this case OP does this and her stepchildren feel like she is a mum to them. it is up to them to decide if they want to call her mum. and Op has already said they don't call their mum 'mum' hey call her mama so it isn't as if they are labelling OP the same as her, it is an affectionate familiar name for a female parent.

usualsuspect · 06/09/2010 23:13

I'd still be gutted ,and offended to be referred to as their 'birth mother' I'm their mother ..end of

floweryblue · 06/09/2010 23:28

but you are not 'strawbs' mum, step-mum or MIL, let them have the nicest terms they can find for a horrible situation