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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming with my mates DH for shouting at my son

31 replies

superv1xen · 05/09/2010 11:32

the other day i was round at my mates and her DD aged 3 and my DS, 4 were playing together and my DS flopped on their sofa and as he did so his legs flew up and accidently kicked her DD (not hard) on the arm, she is a mardy little cow drama queen anyway so started screaming like it was the end of the world, (even tho he barely touched her) and my mates DH shouted at DS and really gave him a good telling off - i was like Shock - i really wanted to say, HOW FUCKING VERY DARE YOU SHOUT AT MY KID!!! but i didnt want to cause a scene because it would have upset my mate.

the best of it is that my mates DD is not even his, she is his stepdaughter and most of the time he couldn't give a shit about her, it just seemed like he wanted to have a go at DS and exert his "authority". he is the one i posted about the other week who refuses to even babysit for her and never does anything for her, her mum does everything. but anyway...amongst me and my friends it is an unwritten rule that we DO NOT tell eachothers kids off, we leave it to their parents, and we certainly would never shout at them. so our partners definitely dont.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/09/2010 11:35

you ust sat there??? did/said nothing??

pointydog · 05/09/2010 11:37

As you seem to dislike your friend's DH and dd so much, I'm surprised you spend any time with them.

taintedpaint · 05/09/2010 11:38

Yeah that's out of order, he should've looked to you to discipline your DS first (though it doesn't sound like real discipline was actually in order). I would avoid a situation where your son is with him tbh, he sounds a bit iffy.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/09/2010 11:38

Well if you sat there and did nothing then you should really just be fuming with yourself. You put your mate's feelings before your son's.

DetectivePotato · 05/09/2010 11:39

Was it an accident? If you are so sure it was then why didn't you call this man on it and tell him whilst he was shouting so much at your DS?

Bloodymary · 05/09/2010 11:41

YANBU. I would have been fuming. Tho I understand that you may have wanted to avoid a scene. Have a quiet word with your friend and state that you NEVER want that to happen again.

prozacfairy · 05/09/2010 11:42

If you and your mate have an unwritten rule you dont treat eachothers kids that way why didn't you say anything?

You don't have to be agressive just an assertive "do not shout at my son like that, I will deal with this myself" will do. Make your excuses and go home. Wait a day or how ever long and see how the land lies.

Mind you, your mate is just as bad. No way would I let my DP shout at a child like that. By "let" I mean I would have words with him about it then and there. "Oi! Wind ya neck in" or "calm down, calm down" would sort it.

deakell · 05/09/2010 11:42

Why didn'y you intervene

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2010 11:43

and why didnt your friend intervene as well???

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/09/2010 11:52

it was definitely an accident detective - DS is kind and gentle, he shouldnt have flopped on to the sofa because i dont allow that kind of thing in my house, but he didnt mean to kick the little girl.

he also makes disparaging comments about DS disguised as "jokes" he implies he is gay because he has long hair, is "pretty" and is quite quiet and shy. it just isnt funny but he finds it hilarious.

i do feel really bad that i didnt say anything to him :( i really wish that i had. its too late now, its not like i can say, Oi - you know how you shouted at my son the other day, and i didnt say anything, well dont do it again! i might mention something to my friend though.

i dont particularly like my friends DD, no, thats because she is mardy-arsed, spoilt, has no manners, and is demanding and whingy. but i love my mate and would NEVER show it. plus her and my DS usually get on well. But when there has been times where she has been naughty or been horrible to DS and i have said nothing, just let her mum deal with it.

surely no one can genuinely say that they like all their friends DC anyway!!!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/09/2010 11:54

no,its not too late to say something to him.....do it!

pointydog · 05/09/2010 11:55

You should meet with your mate then.

Otherwise you're going to be moaning about her dh and dd all the time.

prozacfairy · 05/09/2010 12:00

See if my someone made hurtful "jokes" about my DC I'd say something. He may not realise he's the butt of these "jokes" yet but he will one day and it'll hurt alot more that his mum said nothing about it.

Ex-P had a "hilarious" mate at one point, who one evening in the pub told me "to shut ya fucking (then 5 month old) baby up. before I fucking shut the brat up myself". Angry

Did I say something to him? You betcha. Same way I did when he made jibes about how fat she was and all his other oh so funny comments about my baby. Hmm Bloody ironic seeing as he was a fat, noisy and annoying little twunt.

DetectivePotato · 05/09/2010 12:03

Thats such a shame for your DS then. We all look back in hindsight and wish we had done things differently. I think you should talk to your mate about it as her DH was clearly out of order. I would have been livid at someone shouting at my DS for anything, let alone an accident.

I don't really like all of my friends DCs either. Blush I have realised how annoying other children can be!!

prozacfairy · 05/09/2010 12:05

Meant to say.... it's not late say something to him. He is way out of line and needs to be told.

I sat and seethed while this "mate" joked about my DD's (perfectly healthy) size til one day I told him to "fuck off ya fat bastard!" and walked out the pub. Not seen him since and neither has EX-P Hmm it took me to man up coz DD's dad wasn't capable. Shocker! Not.

I did tell him in no uncertain terms where to go after he "jokingly" threatened DD.

deakell · 05/09/2010 12:05

He sounds like a big hairy arsehole.

I'd give him a piece of my mind (in front of your friend) and tell him to fuck right off

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 12:09

Super - you should have said something at the time, but it's not too late. I know your mate wouldn't like it, but she knew you all thought he was a complete knob before she married him! There's no way I'd let anyone speak to my child like that, Next time you and DS see him, tell him in front of DS that he is never to lose his temper and shout at your DS like that again. I still think you should have kidnapped your mate until she saw sense! He is a prize wanker.

Prozacfairy - well done you, but what did your (now) P do when it happened??

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/09/2010 12:30

deakell he LOOKS like a big hairy asshole as well :o pmsl

detectivepotato glad i am not the only one who doesnt like other people's kids :o

chippingin guess you remember my thread about their wedding then, haha :o sadly, she DID go ahead with it.....poor cow....

seriously though, i do see my mate on her own as well, but i like to see her with bpth the kids as well because (usually) her DD and my DS are good friends. and her DH is always there because the lazy cunt so and so doesnt work. and she can rarely afford bus fare to come and see me or meet somewhere else because they are so skint.

OP posts:
prozacfairy · 05/09/2010 12:45

He claimed he didn't hear him tell DD to shut the fuck up Hmm Everyone else did hear tho and were like this Shock. Infact people at other tables looked horrified too.

He reckons "matey" was only joking with the fat jokes at the time but then later 'fessed up to being really annoyed. He just didn't think it was worth causing a fuss. Bloody wimp Angry

Funny that coz I know if my sisters DP had said anything like that the ex would have flipped out.

I'll let a lot slide but tbh I do believe if you don't cause a fuss with bullies they'll keep walking all over you for the sake of it because they can.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 12:56

PF - not too hard to see why he's the EX really....

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/09/2010 13:30

I think that you really do need to speak up if this happens again. Your son looks to you to protect him - and while I am personally 100% in favour of all adults working together to discipline children, this does not extend to screaming at them, or making horrible comments - that's bullying and requires the parent to speak up and say Enough!

Your son needs to know you're in his corner. So I know it's not always easy, but try in future to think fast and be assertive for your son. If it helps, why not practise out loud when you're alone.

cumfy · 05/09/2010 14:55

Out of curiosity.

If you were nearest/near did you say anything prior to his outburst ?

poshsinglemum · 05/09/2010 15:28

He shouldn't have shouted in this case as it was an accident but I don't have a problem with others telling my dd off if need be. Sometimes I don't get to her soon enough or I don't see what she does. People will defend their kids.
Also- it does take a villiage ;to use that tired old phrase.

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/09/2010 17:58

cumfy I didnt have the chance, it all happened very quickly. but I would have told DS off because he shouldn't jump on furniture and if he hadnt have done that then he wouldnt have kicked my mates DD. but it DID NOT warrant shouting.

poshsinglemum i see where you are coming from but would you accept someone else actually shouting at your DD? and if i thought he did it coz he gave a stuff about his stepdaughter then i might not mind as much but he doesnt, as i said, he was just doing it to exert his "authority" Hmm

saw my dad earlier and told him what happened and my dad said he would knock my mates DH out if he sees him :o he was joking ithink :o

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 06/09/2010 09:20

am seeing my friend later, she is coming to me (so twatto DH won't be around,) so i am going to mention something to her about it. she is quite sensitive so trying to think how best to approach it.

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