to buy my children next to nothing at christmas because theydon'tgive a crap how much things cost

[shinyshoes]

My 2 boys have had it all. They have every games consoe going every new game that's come out. DS1 has had expensive phones the ist goes on. I suppose it's the same old saying 'I never had it when I was younger so I want them to.
DP has always been dead against them 'having it all'and always warned me I was making a rod for my own back.

They treat their games consoles like crap. Their expensive, sometimes £50.00 a go games, like junk, often finding them scratched and unplayable, have no concept of money, 'it's ony £100.00 mum ' .
DS2 has gone through christ knows how many phones. He often inherits mine when I get another one and he's in line to inherit my iphone when my contract is up.

Christ I was happy to get smellys as a child.

DS2 has just bent and threaten to break the new COD game we have just bought him.

Admittedy some of the stuff is out of their money they've saved from birthdays and christmases DS2 spending his on a laptop recently.

That has now broken and he is saving 'the money everyone gives him to buy another one' He isnt that bothered buy it as he spends his time on mine

I dont know what to do

AIBU to just buy them a couple of board games each for christmas instead of the hundreds of pounds we do spend on them only for them to wreck , destroy and not give a toss about anything of value.

pssst....what is COD?

Our localGAME (presume thisis countrywide?) allows you to trade inold games and get discouts on new games. maybe now the only way for them to get new games is to trade in....that way, they HAVE to keep their games in good working order.

I wouldtell them that the spend limit for Christmas is say £100 (pick reasonable amount) No more. And explain that times are hard and that from here on in, the times they are a changing!

But you have to mean it. I wonder if you have looked inside yourself to see why you feel you need to give them material stuff - to show them you love them? To make them love you? To keep up with the jones'? Evedently is fulfills a big need in you, and to tackle this behaviour in yourself, you need to understand it.

I had a fairly wretched childhood (abuse), and my one foibles is clothes for DD. I never had much to wear - maybe 2 outfits as a teenager? and from 16, was expected to pay my own clothing bill frompaltry pocket money (took 4 months to save for supermarket jeans - long time ago now, before the days of £3.50 Value jeans). I now buy DD more than she needs because I dont want her to suffer the social stigma of uncool teenager, where even school thought we were a really poor family.

in the uk its 16=....have it here in front of me

18 cert got it sitting next to me, im uk.

why on earth would you spring what they think of as rubbish presents on Xmas morning?! This should be about re--calibrating their exectations not ruining their Xmas.

DS is only 5 and has already started telling me everything he wants for Xmas and birthday (a lot!). I say "yes we can add that to the list then before yor birthday/Xmas you can choose one thing you like most".

Absolutely don;t give away your iphone.. in fatc if you want to set an example don;'t get a new iphone,negotiate a cheaper contract instead, tell them you'll save the extra for their college fund.

i meant to add, before I got all psychological on you, if you set thelimit and tell them (assuming they are past the Santa stage of course) that the limit is say £100 and that they should consider why they would like that would total that amount when putting their Christmas list together. It concentrates the mind that they will get something they want, but they wont be getting 4 games, a new console, a bike, an elephant AND the moon on a stick this year.

Insted of buying them a lot and then suddenly punish them i would give them chances and responsibilities i.e. they can sell some stuff on e-bay, or set up a garage sale or wash some cars, cut grass etc. If they make money then they can have something new.

My dh is like you, he wanted to give them everything we didn't have as children but i put my foot down. They have to keep toys, books, clothes in good condition and we have to sell them or donate them before we buy new. Xmas we go to Great Ormond Street hospital, and to some elderly people we know and they sing the carol, chat to them, give them hand made presents.

I'm sure someone in your neighboorhood is elderly or ill and need help with shopping, garden?

First of all well done for recognising that changes are needed. Not an easy thing to acknowledge.

What are your dh's views on how to progress things ?

I would sit the boys down , explain how their behaviour is unacceptable, acknowledge it's your fault and setbout the new rules to them.

You need to ensure that everyone who gives them money understands your new regime.

Selling stuff on eBay , buying games with part ex'd games in Cex, sticking to age appropriate stuff, setting chores for pocket money, saving half of all money given/earnt sounds a good way to start.

Christmas morning is not the time for this

COD, you probably are both looking at different versions.
DH is on version 4 at the moment and yes they are all extremely violent. I'm sorry as now I'm being judgey, but it's def a man's game. Have you actually watched a bit of it OP? Don't think you'd let your boys play with it, if you have.

DS has a COD thats rated 16 the newer ones tend to be 18 either way both boys are to young for it.

Thanks all for replying and some interesting and valid points and thanks very much for not flaming me .

I can see the error of my ways and I can see it more now from a thrid persons point of view.

I have expained to the youngest that he will be getting more imaginative toys for christmas even an encyclopedia !!

I don't think he believes i'l carry it through but i'm determined to.

We have just got back from a week at Center Parcs and unless I was putting my hand in my pocket and forking out for activities they were bored. We were surrounded by forest and not once did they explore or climb a tree, to be honest I don't think they've ever climbed a tree or built a den

This re-enforced it for me that they need to be more creative and imaginative. To them its all about having money to do things, but I will get them to do more around the house and earn treats instead of getting it handed to them on a plate.

I am trying to correct the damage done.

Thanks again

god, this thread has really made me think. my DC are 1 and 4 but already we spoil them rotten, especially with clothes etc.

i will probably sound naive and stupid here but the reason i do it is because i love them so much and feel that they are "worth it" , i do it because i never had anything growing up, and a small, horrible part of me does it to show off a bit to other people

but this has seriously made me think now, i will be nipping it in the bud now while they are young enough to be not notice :o

dd1 who's 19 told me a couple of years ago that the best Christmas's where the ones where we had little money. I got 3 large boxes and filled them with likes of cheap action men/barbies for ds and dd2 and arty stuff for dd1 as well as duvet covers that they needed dd2 and ds don't remember as they where very small but she does.

superv1xan - I wouldnt worry about spoiling them with clothes - IME most Dc's don;t see clothes as being a trat until they are over 10 and even then only if you buy what they want rather than what you want. It is tough when you didn;t have stuff growing up but it is worth having a limit.

I don;t skimo with DS - soend about £75 atXmas about £50 for birthday but its one big present of around £50 and a few smaller ones. The temptation to buy more is huge but it would be out of line with our standard of living and also teaching him that you get whatever you want for no real effort.

Good luck shiny

Just stop.

Christmas and Birthdays only here. If it gets broken by misuse/careless handling then it is gone. Genuine accidents can be negotiated over. We use electronics until they stop working.

DS1 refers his birthday as "Yes" day.

We are quite wealthy through a combination of hard work and good luck, but I will not have a spoiled brat in my home, it just isn't going to happen.

Just stop, say "No", you are doing them a terrible disservice, they are really going to struggle when reality hits and you can no longer buffer them.

Agree with every one that you need to deal with this now and not wait. I was talking to a friend the other day and they have decided now that their two will be 12 this Christmas they are going to scrap stockings and everyone in the family is going to make a present for the other family members, a Christmas challenge. I thought this is a lovely idea and adds a new dimension to things, maybe in a month or so of the new regime they might possibly get into something like this ? You'd have to have a few suggestions up your sleeve of things you think they could do and would like though for this to work.

I must admit it makes me uncomfortable to see just how much children in the UK get and yes I do think it probably devalues what they are given. Not that I'm judging anyone, totally understand how it's done from loving them and wanting them to have nice and the best stuff. But it's a heart-breaking contrast to where I grew up. Recently was back home visiting family and the little girl next door hadn't started school - even though primary school is free and the kids get a free lunch - as her mum couldn't afford the uniform (dad had been killed in a work accident and mum laid off from her factory job). The sad thing was, she'd bought bits and pieces of of as and when she could afford to. The even saddest part was, when we of course offered horrified to help, that it only cost us £20 to get her all kitted out. My family always gets the neighbours children gifts at Christmas - cheap plastic stuff but their faces light up. They have next to nothing in their lives, sometimes not even enough food.
The contrast sometimes feels horribly jarring to me.

Shinyshoes... your kids sound like me and my sister. I strongly recommend you turn it round as toughly as you can!

See today's AIBU thread about goalposts moving for how my sister has turned out, and how I've turned out. Neither particularly commendable or secure!

Good luck shineyshoes, it's not too late, but it is going to take will power and they might make you feel like a crap mum. Just remember you're not, by doing this you are being a better mum to them. It will do them no favours to go through life thinking the world owes them everything, and that material possessions are important.

What about something like a cheap tent for Christmas to do back garden camping in? Plus some books to keep them entertained while they are away from all that electricity . You could really theme it, get them a torch each and a sleeping bag, none of these things have to be expensive, but they can be if that makes you feel better, because it sounds like it is less about the money being spent (though that is an issue) and more about the type of toys they are getting and the respect they have for them.

IMO memories are more important than things. We spend the money on a trip to the theatre, a special trip or experience, and just buy a small gift for each person.

Plus - you don't end up with a house full of stuff.

They really do remember the special experience - we took ds to the "sky diving vertical tunnel" at Milton Keanes for his Christmas present about 4 years ago. He still talks about it. He didn't need or want anything else for Christmas.

I buy my DS expensive presents, I don't see any problem with that, it is affordable. However he has never broken a single thing. He has a laptop he has had for five years, which is longer than I have ever had one.

I let him play console games for reasonable times and games that are suitable for young children, or active wii games.

I strongly suspect that the problem with your DSs is not the amount they have, but the fact that they are wound up by violent games. They are getting over stimulated and frustrated and taking their anger out on their things.

I agree with others take all of the things away.

Lynli - I agree with you. I think the violent games are awful, both the actual content and the anger/stress/frustration that they create, even the non-violent games can create this when they are't getting the top score or onto the next level etc.

Well done on spotting what you have been doing OP.

I do agree with others though, that it is not them having any of these toys that is the issue, it is the sheer quantity and age inappropriateness of them that is a problem.

Set a budget for Christmas and let them choose what they would like. If there is something that you don't want them to have, then it is ok to veto it.

Perhaps you could suggest ideas for gifts to the people who would give money? Or ask them simply to give less money, and perhaps invest the rest towards uni/first car.

The board games sound like a good family present, so that you spend more time together, but shouldn't be the only pressies your DCs get.

It's Poundland,Bargain Madness and charity shops for ours this Xmas and do you know what? They won't care because they will have more fun with the wrapping and boxes than the actual contents!!

Defo time to think different, why not get them enroled for the scots or something instead? What do they do around the house? HOw much pocket money do they get? Teaching them the value of money is one of the best lessons you can teach them. What if they arent able to keep up this lifestyle when they leave home? Will they end up in loads of debt cause they shouldahve it?!