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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend needs to think before she speaks

45 replies

JenLovesMIa · 02/09/2010 23:31

My daughter has eczema someimes quite bad pending on the weather.

The other day my friend said to me, its such a shame about her skin, it really ruins her.

Like wtf.

Having eczema does not change a child.

Severly narked now.

OP posts:

Sarahpo · 02/09/2010 23:32

you should have replied 'shame about your big mouth it really ruins you'

SheWillBeLoved · 02/09/2010 23:33

One of those foot in mouth comments, but I agree, think first, speak later.

I'm sure your daughter is absolutely beautiful regardless of her eczema :)

booyhoo · 02/09/2010 23:33

that's awful. is she a very appearance oriented person?

whatwhatinthewhatnow · 02/09/2010 23:34

BITCH! I have eczema on my eyes and one woman said to me 'Have you been to the doctors about your eyes?'

I said 'Have you been to the doctors about your FACE???'

What a horrible friend. Your DP isnt ruined at all.

BeerTricksPotter · 02/09/2010 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 02/09/2010 23:38

YANBU

stupid cow, think id have hit her in the face with a shovel

Original poster

JenLovesMIa · 02/09/2010 23:38

Im not very confrontational, shes always saying things to me about how weird my little daughter is compared to hers.

I have severe eczema too, so she should know beter. Ive actually had a man come up to me on the bus and ask me whats wrong with my DD, and that I shouldnt leave her like that and take her to the doctor. Word fail me sometimes about how rude some people are!

OP posts:

baitedbreath · 02/09/2010 23:43

Depends on how much you like your friend, if she does this sort of thing with everybody you have to accept that its part of her nature.

Original poster

JenLovesMIa · 02/09/2010 23:48

She doesnt really have a lot of friends, she does kinda push people away with her honesty, I feel she needs me, thats why I dont want to upset her.

OP posts:

edam · 02/09/2010 23:49

She sounds very dim, or very thoughtless, or very nasty. I could live with no. 2 in a friend although I would point out any hurtful comments. Not no. 3.

booyhoo · 02/09/2010 23:51

she sounds awful tbh. why do you let her say your DD is weird? i wouldn't have a 'friend' like that.

PYT · 02/09/2010 23:51

What an unpleasant thing to say. How good a friend is she?

Original poster

JenLovesMIa · 02/09/2010 23:58

Booyhoo- Its because I let my DD play with Ben Ten toys, and she dresses up as Spiderman and Buzz. Tbh Shes like her dad which I think is cute, but her daughter is a typical girly girl.

Friend wise shes ok, she only lives like 4 doors so is aware when I walk past with my DD, they even go to the same nursery.

I think what I find hard is the constant comparison and belittling of my daughter, she even shouts at my daughter, and tells her to stop being a brat. I have to diplomatically say something polite before I lose it.

Shes always harping on that after a afternoon with my daughter , her daughter turns childish. Theyre 3 and 4 respectively , how much more of a child can they be. I always say its not my fault I let them behave like children at my house, wheras she is more a of a child should be seen and not heard.

Another thing that rattles me, is she always says how immature my daughter is and that she has to grow up, and that shes bringing her daughter down, that theres a years difference between them.... her daughters 4th birthday was in July mine will be in October.

Sorry for the long post, its like a huge can of worms for me. ..

OP posts:

pippop1 · 03/09/2010 00:14

She sounds awful. Shame she lives so near. Can you be busy when you walk past? Hold up your mobile phone (if you have one) when you walk past and give a cheery wave. You don't really have to be on it.

Try and distance yourself from her and find some different friends.

I used to ask myself the question "If I never saw this person again, would I be upset". If the answer (to yourself) is "no I'd be relieved" then she is not a worthwhile friend to have. She sounds nasty and controlling. You have to protect your daughter (if not yourself) and not let her be called a "brat". Don't let this person get away with that.

So your child is bringing hers down? Fine. Stop contact and then it can't happen. You have the perfect excuse. If you can't say it to her face write a very polite letter and put it through her door. She will either change her ways or you won't be friends anymore.

I reckon it will be the latter but you and your daughter will be happier for it. Friendships are supposed to make you happy,not upset, annoyed and downtrodden. Take action now.

cumfy · 03/09/2010 00:37

"really ruins her"

And your further comments appear to indicate she is no friend.

Just as an exercise in seeing how deep this goes you could ask her something like:

"I'm always impressed at 's maturity and intelligence. Where do you think I'm going wrong with ?"

Perhaps her response will crystallize the situation.

gigglewitch · 03/09/2010 00:42

"she does kinda push people away with her honesty, I feel she needs me, thats why I dont want to upset her" - err, but 'honesty' in this case is rudeness, no wonder she has no friends. And why on earth don't you want to upset her, it's not as if she shows you and your daughter the same consideration. I'd drop her now, what a very nasty person she is.

lucy101 · 03/09/2010 04:18

I think for your daughter's sake you need to drop this friend. Even at her age you can pick up when you aren't liked/aren't wanted around, I think you owe it to her as much as yourself to find some better friends, she mustn't grow up thinking that this woman is an example of a an acceptable way to behave, or that there is anything 'wrong' with her.

You can just gently phase her out, you don't need to confront her (and probably best not to).

I was a total tomboy when I was little and am so glad I was as boys toys were (to my mind) so much more fun than girls toys! I love the sound of your little girl!

Beachly · 03/09/2010 04:26

IMO there's a word for someone who acts the way she does and it's not "friend".

Goddammit · 03/09/2010 07:02

Lucy 101 is so wise, this isn't good for you or your dd. You shouldn't put up with this or you will be just teaching your dd to let peope walk all over her. The woman is pathetically competitive, making herself feel better about her life and her "perfect" daughter at your expense.
I wouldn't have a showdown, she would probably take it really badly and make your life hell. Just gently phase her out of your life. Worth walking the long way round to nursery for a few weeks if you ask me.
In th elong run, it's not good for her to have you putting up with her crap. She ought to know that she is upsetting you, then she can modify her horrid behaviour.
Believe me, she doesn't "need" you, she needs to get over herself. You don't treat people like this and keep friendships. You won't be the first to dump her and if she carries on like this you won't be the last either!
Good luck.

gorionine · 03/09/2010 07:07

"She doesnt really have a lot of friends, she does kinda push people away with her honesty, I feel she needs me, thats why I dont want to upset her."

You are a very kind person but I think you have to tell her when it upsets you. You do not need to "ditch" her if in other aspects you get along fine but you need to be as "honest" with her as she is with you I think.

gtamom · 03/09/2010 07:19

What a nasty person! I would let that friendship go. Who needs a friend like that?!

AnneTwacky · 03/09/2010 07:27

That's not being honest, that's being rude.

If she's mortified she said and has apologised, fair enough but if she's always making these little "comments" then she's probably the sort of person you could do without.

Rockbird · 03/09/2010 08:38

She sounds a complete cow. I wouldn't stand for comments like that about my dd. Ditch her this minute!

prozacfairy · 03/09/2010 08:45

Get rid. Real friends don't make you feel lousy.

Her comment about your DD's eczema was not "thoughtless" it was downright rude and hurtful. Your DD sounds brilliant, loads of fun.

I don't have many friends myself but that's mostly because I don't bother to return their calls when they start acting like your "friend" Life is waaayyy too short!

booyhoo · 03/09/2010 09:29

jen this isn't a friendship that is good for you.

friends are people we like to spend time with who make us feel good about ourselves, give us a shoulder to cry on, know when to be use tact, and vice versa us for them. she is not doing this. for your daughter's sake you need to distance yourself. if this woman is openly rude to your face why do you let her look afetr your daughter alone? god knows wha she is saying when you aren't there. your daughter deserves your protection from this sort of thing. it can do untold damage to a child to constantly hear that she is weird or childish etc.

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