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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want people to travel to our wedding?

52 replies

Rosedee · 02/09/2010 18:21

My dp and I live 180 miles away from our family and friends we grew up with. We both come from the same small town, he moved to bigger city after uni and I moved here to be with him when we got together.
We are getting married in a lovely place not far from where we live, obviously our family and friends will have to travel here if they want to see us get married. So far my mum, sister and one of my cousins have asked why we are not getting married where we grew up. Cos I live here!! Am I bu to not want yo organise a wedding 180 miles from where I live?
We happily travel different places including back home if people get married and have never questioned it. Am I being dumb or are they being u to expect us to marry somewhere that we don't live anymore? Constant questioning on subject peeing me off. Thanks.

OP posts:

Galena · 02/09/2010 18:25

We were married 200 miles from where we live for a number of reasons - DH's family and friends live a further 300 miles further north, my family live where we were married (moved up there a few years ago, not childhood home), dad is a minister and did the service, etc.

So, we had to travel, friends from here needed to travel, DH's family and friends had to travel. My family didn't have to travel, but did a lot of the donkey work and put some people up.

You get married where you want to get married and people will travel if they want to. I don't think anyone's being unreasonable - they think one thing would be nice, you think something else. Different opinions, but neither unreasonable as such.

sloanypony · 02/09/2010 18:25

No, YANBU. Obviously YANBU to have whatever wedding you want. Whilst there may be people who genuinely can't afford the travel/accomodation, there are probably a fair few who just want a slice of the action near where they live.

I did the "get married in home village" thing, (though it was DH's home village not mine as I am from abroad) and the in-laws, because they live there and we dont, seemed to think they were "hosting" it even though we paid, and kept trying to change arrangements and veto details. They challenged just about everything we had decided on.

Stick with what you want. I sometimes wonder what kind of wedding we could have had in this town - though it would have been more expensive closer to London.

CarGirl · 02/09/2010 18:30

Get married where you want to but accept some people won't travel and don't be upset about it.

WannaBeMeAgain · 02/09/2010 18:32

It is traditional to marry from your family home town, but you can of course marry whereever you like. You can want people to attend but should not expect them too.

TheFallenMadonna · 02/09/2010 18:33

I figured if you live and work and socialise a long way from your family, someone's got to do the travelling whether you do it near your family or near your friends. So you choose the place you would most like to get married, invite everyone you want to come and then let them decide.

TheFallenMadonna · 02/09/2010 18:34

I really would expect my immediate family to travel 180 miles to my wedding. I'd be hurt if they didn't. I expect I'm being unreasonable...

DomesticG0ddess · 02/09/2010 18:36

YANBU. Presumably you have lots of friends where you live who would have to travel if you got married in your home town, so you can't please everyone! Maybe they are just asking because some people get married where the bride grew up, but it's still annoying that they ask!

curlymama · 02/09/2010 18:40

There will always be someone that has to travel to a wedding, and they are free to decline your invitation if they want. Get married wherever suits you, because no location will ever suit everyone. Your family is probably going on about it because it's traditional, but it is also traditional for them to pay for the lot. Unless they are following that tradition, they really have no say on anything.

We had people travelling from all over the country for our wedding, and we gave them a fantastic day and hope we made things as easy as possible for them. That's all you can do really.

sarah293 · 02/09/2010 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Rosedee · 02/09/2010 22:00

Thanks for your replies, wouldn't expect them to but would be upset If they didn't try. We are looking into cheap accommodation for people and my mum and sister will be getting free room overnight at venue anyway. Plus kids are invited.
Must admit didn't realise it was traditional though I think it's not so much that as sheer Blardy laziness! I've lived here for 3 years now and my sister still hasn't been up to visit!
I'm just gonna have to hope they luvs me enough to come, after all they are my family and I want them to be there!

OP posts:

sayithowitis · 03/09/2010 00:23

Well, you are entitled to have your wedding wherever you want, as long as it is legal of course.

You say you don't expect them to make the journey, but that you would be upset if they didn't try. How will you know they haven't tried? When DH brother got married, we had to travel a long way with our two DCs. Similar distance to what you are suggesting for your guests. It involved a two night stay in a hotel as well as a day's unpaid leave for me (I had just started a new job and had no holiday entitlement at that time) Though BIl managed to negotiate a 'cheap' rate for rooms at a local hotel, it was still way beyond our budget. So, we stopped in the local well known chain. It also meant that as everyone else was staying at the 'official' hotel, we were left out of all the other things like the family dinner the night before. Because the venue did not allow parking, we had to pay out for taxis to and from, again, not cheap. By the time you factor in the new clothes and the wedding gift we had no family holiday that year. All for one day in their life.

As much as we loved BIL and his new wife, if we were in the same situation again, we would, regretfully, have to decline an invitation that involved a journey of that length. It was too much for us all.

Have your wedding, enjoy it. But don't assume it is just laziness that may keep those you love away.

Ishouldprobablywax · 03/09/2010 00:36

I'm happily travelling 300 miles for my sisters big day, I don't mind at all!

LittleSilver · 03/09/2010 04:28

YANBU.

Am gutted though thatyou are not the friend of the poster whose friend was going to get hitched on a cruise and expected all the guests to do so as well

Original poster

Rosedee · 03/09/2010 05:38

Cruise? Now I think that would be cheeky.

OP posts:

sleepwhenidie · 03/09/2010 06:40

YANBU especially if you feel you are going to stay in the area you live now. I felt the same and got married at the church just round the corner from our house and it feels so much more relevant than somewhere I came from and now don't have much of a connection with. It is also lovely that our DC's know that the church is where mummy and daddy got married and walking past it, which I do regularly (we don't really go in much )always triggers lovely memories. 180 miles really isn't very far for people to travel for a wedding these days - see ref to cruise!! Maybe you could also say no gifts to soften financial effect if that is what is bothering people?

mummytime · 03/09/2010 06:48

I thought your post was going to be about some wedding in the Carribean. Getting married where you live is normal. If you don't do that then you have to get a special dispensation for a C of E wedding.

Some may not be able to travel, some may. We got married where I lived, which was knd of central to our guests, who came from all over the country. Some people made it despite the freak snow storm. I don't see why your family hav any reason to complain.

Goddammit · 03/09/2010 06:51

YABU, just realise some people may not be able to make it. But on the positive side, you can invite friends local to you to come along. I got married near my new home and it means dh and I can go back to the hotel every year for our anniversary - perfect.

gtamom · 03/09/2010 07:05

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. As long as you understand some people won't want to travel, for time or financial reasons.

CaveMum · 03/09/2010 07:16

As long as you provide details of local hotels/B&Bs (covering all price ranges) with your invites, then I can't see any problem.
We got married near to where we live so our families all had to travel (some of them travelled 400+ miles) but no one complained, at least to our faces!

Madascheese · 03/09/2010 07:20

pfft of course you're not BU to have your wedding where you want, but you may miss out on some people attending.

FWIW we travelled to the caribbean for DP's brothers wedding this year and had an amazing time - properly the trip of a lifetime for us. A few weeks later we travelled to the south coast for their wedding reception.

We're not exactly flush tbh but we saved all last year to afford it and wouldn't have missed it for the world.

5DollarShake · 03/09/2010 08:14

180 miles? For God's sake - they're being precious!

Is grateful, for the zillionth time, for our lovely friends and family who crossed continents to be at ours (under no expectation whatsoever from us).

YANBU :)

RunawayWife · 03/09/2010 08:28

YANBU at all

megonthemoon · 03/09/2010 08:36

Have they said they won't travel, or just asked why you're not getting married at home? Your OP seems to suggest the latter. If they have said they won't travel then YANBU and they are BU. If it the latter they are perfectly entitled to ask and you are perfectly entitled to say why you want to get married at home.

My parents just assumed I'd want to be married in my home town, but it has no meaning to DH and my parents no longer live in my childhood home so we wanted to get married where we had made our life together. Once I explained it my parents understood, and never dreamed of not attening, but because in their minds you always got married in the bride's home town they did just find it a bit odd - but I was also the first non-church wedding in the family as well so I did confuse them quite a bit! Maybe your family just has these traditions in their head and are taking time to understand that you're doing things differently. Neither of you is BU unless they actively refuse to come.

2rebecca · 03/09/2010 08:41

I find it odd when couples who have lived together (or apart) for a while then have their wedding at a parent's home town. It seems like reverting to being a child again.
I had 2 weddings, both of them occurred near where fiance and I lived. Where our parents lived seemed irrelevent.
Our parents both had moved away from their parents and our sibs had moved away from our parents so it's not as though having the wedding near 1 set of parents would have made travelling easier for anyone except those particular parents anyway.
I'd just tell them you don't live with your parents any more and are having your wedding where you live.

LynetteScavo · 03/09/2010 08:45

I think lots of brides get married in their home town. Like lots of brides get married wearing white. Doesn't mean you have to, but people will question it.

Now if you were getting married far from where you have any connection, that would be unreasonable.

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