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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want people to travel to our wedding?

52 replies

Rosedee · 02/09/2010 18:21

My dp and I live 180 miles away from our family and friends we grew up with. We both come from the same small town, he moved to bigger city after uni and I moved here to be with him when we got together.
We are getting married in a lovely place not far from where we live, obviously our family and friends will have to travel here if they want to see us get married. So far my mum, sister and one of my cousins have asked why we are not getting married where we grew up. Cos I live here!! Am I bu to not want yo organise a wedding 180 miles from where I live?
We happily travel different places including back home if people get married and have never questioned it. Am I being dumb or are they being u to expect us to marry somewhere that we don't live anymore? Constant questioning on subject peeing me off. Thanks.

OP posts:

cat64 · 03/09/2010 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunnydelight · 03/09/2010 09:07

I too thought it was going to be a "why aren't they all willing to fly to the Maldives for my special day" thread No, YANBU to get married where you live, which is within driving distance of your family. Maybe they would like you to pick them up on your way to the church so as not to put them out too much. They need to get on here to see what real bridezillas ask for!

thesecondcoming · 03/09/2010 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QS · 03/09/2010 09:16

Yabu because you have only lived 3 years in your new town. If you put the convenience of new (but short) friendships above the convenience of your families, then twice yabu.

You are asking many people to travel a great distance, eat and drink on the road, possibly with young children in tow, pay for accommodation and travel costs in addition to new clothing, and wedding present.

Rather than the two of you travelling to your old town to get wed with all your family and old friends present.

Do you have children yourselves?

My cousin wanted to marry in Rome. When he realized that not many would make it, they kept to tradition and married in the brides home town.

gagamama · 03/09/2010 09:18

If a lot of people are coming from the same place, it'd definitely be worth considering laying on a coach or minibus, especially if there aren't many transport links near the wedding venue (which there generally aren't in picturesque, remote locations!)

If you consider this too expensive then you probably have your answer about how reasonable you are being to expect people to travel the distance under their own steam.

Ghostie · 03/09/2010 09:32

YANBU, it is your wedding and you should have it where you want and will be happy. People who matter won't mind and will make the effort. We are getting married next summer and we are doing it abroad, so people are really going to have to travel far!! Enjoy and have a fab day. :)

QS · 03/09/2010 09:38

Having seen Ghosties reply, I think it really depend on how much of a bridezilla you want to be.

TrillianAstra · 03/09/2010 09:39

YANBU. You're not getting married in an arbitrarily-chosen place just because it's pretty or nice or you want a holiday there, you are getting married near your home.

180 miles is a 4 hr drive, possibly less. That's not far to travel to attend a wedding, but it is far to travel to organise a wedding, to speak to caterers and florists and churches/registry offices and reception venues.

Original poster

Rosedee · 03/09/2010 09:45

I'm not sure why only having lived here for 3 years makes s difference? My dp has lived here for 11 years does that mean he's being reasonable but I'm not? We are getting married here because we want to not because of our friends who live here. We've found a lovely venue where will be having civil ceremony and reception which also includes the 9 rooms for close family ie parents, siblings which they don't have to pay for. So not a church wedding obviously. Um we have a 8 month old ds who will be 20 months when we get married but not sure what relevance that has.
Thank you all for your replies so far.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 03/09/2010 09:51

yanbu but you forfeit the right to get pissy if someone can't make it based on the travelling involved.

Original poster

Rosedee · 03/09/2010 09:53

That's what I said to my mum trillian! Why would I want to organise a wedding so far away? She still sent me s brochure from local wedding dress shop even though we'd already booked venue. But then she is a bit barmy

OP posts:

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 03/09/2010 09:59

Of course YANBU.

Some people don't like to travel though, I guess you just have to accept that.

We got married where we lived, not where we grew up. TBH it never occurred to me to go 'home' to get married, where I lived then and still do is my home and hopefully always will be.

I guess as our families are fairly scattered it wasn't such an issue but my Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle travelled 4 hours, my mum and dad, brother and sister 2 hours. No-one moaned to our faces

Original poster

Rosedee · 03/09/2010 10:01

I wouldn't get pissy would prob just feel privately a bit sad but am trying to figure out ways now how to help those who need it with travelling and accommodation etc as a year to go! I'm more getting fed up with the comments about it, this is where we've chosen to get married you will not change our minds etc
My cousin asked me last weekend why are you getting married there? We were At my uncles wedding in our home town which we had travelled down to go to.

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 03/09/2010 10:02

If it helps, I live 180 miles away from where I grew up - ended up moving for similar reasons to you.
I can't recall my family having any objections (although my mum hates travelling and moans a lot about everything)

Could you research premierinns/places to stay?

as it happened, I didn't marry the man I came here with, but someone else I met here , but my family came down for 3 days before the wedding and helped sort everything out.
would they be more likely to approve if you asked them to help organise?

(and I can't see the harm in looking at her local wedding dress shop for dresses - it might put her on your side bit!)

morganlebuffay · 03/09/2010 10:07

I thought this was going to be another thread about expecting guests to shell out on a wedding on the other side of the world! Compared to that, you're fine. Traditional blah, back when marriage was a social neccessity it was also much more common for couples to just marry with two witnesses at a couple of weeks' notice; I should think if there's a tradition of marrying in the bride's home town it's because it would have been seen as her permanent 'base' until she got married, back when most women didn't really go off for good, once grown-up, to start independent lives and careers, and also the bride's parents would have been organising and paying for the wedding. So I say take your pick of traditions, or rather, just do what suits your situation best (which is a pretty traditional way of doing things ;) ) I would never question it and would happily travel within the UK to a family wedding.

TrillianAstra · 03/09/2010 10:10

Do the rest of your family all live there? Do they already think you are a bit weird for moving "away"? Is it all a bit local? Can they not imagine how anywhere could possibly be as nice as their hometown?

The comments sound a bit like they are trying to punish you for (or show you that you have made the wrong decision in) moving away and not doing what they all did.

The harm in looking at local wedding shop for dresses is that you have to go there at least 3 times if not more for fittings etc. Which you don't want to do if it is 180 miles from where you live. So you won't be buying a dress from there so it is a waste of time.

AbsofCroissant · 03/09/2010 10:24

Hm. I have been contemplating this, as DP and I would like to get married within the next few years. He's from France, and most of his family are still living in/near his home town. My town of birth is pretty much on the other side of the world, and my family's spread across three countries and three continents (as one does), but DP and I live in London (few friends and no family of either of us live here). I thought it would be best to get married where he's from (as also his grandparents are quite old and frail, and I know they'd love to be there judging by the continual "so when are you two going to get married? You should" type comments), but then obviously that would mean asking our UK friends and my family to travel a lot for the wedding.

My thoughts are to ask people to come if they can (give lots of advance notice so they can book cheap flights/transport/hotels etc.), prefering them to be there instead of getting presents, and if they can't at all, having a small party in that location at a later date. My parents did this - got married in DM's home town, and then they moved to where DF's parents lived (another country) and had a party there when they arrived. I think they also took the top layer of the wedding cake or something so that everyone felt part of the wedding.

Original poster

Rosedee · 03/09/2010 10:25

It is a bit local as you say but it is well known for being a crappy place to live though I personally love it there. Think they're probably more jealous that I got away! Think they probably have small town syndrome where anything outside is too big and scary and as I now live in a city it's quite different to home. Oh I'm just worried they won't come I suppose and I do want all my family there. Otherwise it just wouldn't be a wedding without them.

OP posts:

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 03/09/2010 16:48

It would be considerate to go for an afternoon wedding so that people in general can travel up the morning of the wedding rather than having to come up the night before and pay for an extra night's accommodation. But I don;t think YAB at all U to be holding the wedding where you actually live.

HarrietTheSpy · 03/09/2010 16:58

It's not at all unreasonable to have your wedding in the town where you live and to think that family and friends will not perceive it as too much of a hassel to attend.

I think it is very unreasonable when people plan weddings in hard to reach places which they have no connection to (i.e. abroad) and then get stroppy when people won't attend. But 180 miles, in the UK in a town YOU personally live in, with I'm presuming most of the guests in the UK too - nope, not at all unreasonable. They should pull their finger out and come.

swanandduck · 03/09/2010 17:00

I think getting married in your home town is a lovely tradition, but YANBU to want to have the wedding where you both now live.

What really irritates me is when two people decide to have their wedding in some remote place, to which neither of them have any connection whatsoever, and force all of their guests to the huge expense and inconvenience of travelling miles simply because they think it would look nice in their wedding photos.

swanandduck · 03/09/2010 17:01

Xpost Harriet.

sorrento56 · 03/09/2010 17:02

It used to be that you married in your childhood parish so not unreasonable for people to think you would be doing that. YANBU to want people to travel a long way but YABU if you expect it. We have missed several weddings and one was because it was just too far to travel with little ones and we couldn't afford to stay over.

sorrento56 · 03/09/2010 17:05

Oh come on, it won't be because they don't "luvs" you enough if they don't come!

QueenofDreams · 03/09/2010 17:23

I have NEVER heard of this tradition of getting married in the bride's home town. It all probably stems from the days when people (especially women) didn't really move much. Society was much more sedentary than it is now. But then I am not originally from the UK and in my home country people tend to move around more.

I live in Kent, and when DP and I eventually manage to get married we will marry locally I'm sure. All my immediate family live in Scotland. They have said that when we manage to get a date, we let them know, they'll come. It's a lot further than your family would have to travel.

YANBU it makes sense to get married close to where you live!

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