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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's sad to hear young children using their parent's first names rather than mummy and daddy

55 replies

spiralqueen · 02/09/2010 13:36

Following on from the other thread, I know of a couple whose young children call them "Janet" and "John" (not real names obv). They say it is because they are their children's best friends but I find it dreadfully sad especially when they are so young (both under 8).

Is it just me or would you find it sad too? Or do you insist on your children calling you by your first name?

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 02/09/2010 16:21

I don't really mind others doing it - it's a valid choice and their children don't seem unhappy

I also don't think it necessary implies disrespect or that the parents are being friends rather than parents - it may be the case with your friends, but I don't think it is for everyone, and I don't think the correlation between that family dynamic and the first names thing is watertight

I personally would hate it though - if my children call my by my first name (which they do, to be cheeky) I narrow my eyes at them and they giggle

I've said to them "anyone can call me Greeny, you two are the only people on the planet who are entitled to call me Mummy"

that's why it means a lot to me. I like being their Mummy. Nothing to do with authority or respecting-your-elders, just something that feels nice to me.

Lulumaam · 02/09/2010 16:23

my DS calls me by my first name, has done since he was about 2, i've not encouraged or discouraged it, my DD calls me mum

it does not mean that he is my best friend, or there are no parent'/ child boundaries.. people have commented on it from time to time,but it does not bother me in the slightest

i also think it is a benefit that your childrne realise you are also a real person, with feelings, and needs and emotions, rather than mum/mummy and that's it.

Morloth · 02/09/2010 16:29

Whatever floats your boat, don't think it is sad.

DS1 went through a phase with it, we didn't correct him but he went back to Mum and Dad.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 02/09/2010 16:31

Why on earth would it be "dreadfully sad"?

We called/call our parents by their first names because when I was 2 I started spontaneously calling them Dadsfirstname and Mummy, and they couldn't think of a logical reason for me not to use first names so just asked me to choose one or the other and either go for Dadsfirstname and Mumsfirstname or Daddy and Mummy. So I decided to go for the first names option and my younger siblings then naturally followed suit.

It was a bit of a pain later on, TBH, as it marked us out as a bit odd among our peers when we were desperate-to-conform teenagers and got confusing for other people. And also, presumably, random busybodies were deciding that it was dreadfully sad and pitying us terribly, but fortunately I didn't know about that at the time.

So recently when DD tried the same thing with me (except that it was my first name she latched on to) I stood firm and corrected her to "Mummy". She was very persistent, though, and I could quite see why my parents thought "well, where's the harm...?" (DS has always stuck to "Mummy" but DD has tried out virtually every variant under the sun... I am variously Mummy, Mum, Mamma, Mama, and probably several I've overlooked here. I guess she just likes playing with names.)

There's nothing at all wrong with using first names; I just like being Mummy while I can, before I get reduced to [incoherent grunt] or "can I have a lift to X's house?".

grapeandlemon · 02/09/2010 16:35

DD does this she is 3. I have no issue with it after all she hears everyone else and is probably just mimicking. No need to feel sad for us either.

I knew a lady whose 2 yo did it and she didn't answer she said she was furious about it

Blu · 02/09/2010 16:38

YABU.
It must work fo those who do it - it doesn't make them feel sad (or they wouldn't do it) so why work yourself up on their behalf?

TheBeast · 02/09/2010 16:40

My children went through a phase of doing this when my son was about 5 and the girls picked it up from him. I did not complain about it and it stopped.

More worrying, my now 20-year-old daughters find it disturbing that their (attractive, female) friends call me by my first name. "He's 'Dad'," they shout. I have not complained ...

5DollarShake · 02/09/2010 16:53

Not something I so, and my DC are too young to say either my name or Mum, but what Blu said - if the people in question don't find it dreadfully sad, then there's no point in you doing so!

meridian · 02/09/2010 16:58

DS is 6 and he will call DH and I by our given names when we are out in public at the park or shops where there are lots of kids present... because everyone is Mummy and Daddy but not everone is 'Meridian' and 'Mr. Meridian' ... otherwise its mum and dad or other variations... my mother had me learn to call her 'Mother' when I was small... which i still call her and its really all a bit Mother Dearest for me but she hated 'mommy' so it was always 'MOOOOOOTHER'

SauvignonBlanche · 02/09/2010 16:58

'Best friends' now that's sad

prozacfairy · 02/09/2010 17:03

Occasionally DD will call her dad by his first name I assume it's because I do. We always correct her though. We are Mummy/Mum and Daddy/Dad.

I hope that one day when DD is older we will be friends up to a point- as in, someone she can confide in if she needs to and stuff. But right now I'm the grown up and she's the child and that's that.

Anyway all she likes to talk about are Disney Princesses, poo and other mindnumbing things of that nature. So I'll leave her actual friends to chat to her about all that.

5DollarShake · 02/09/2010 17:03

Yes, the best friend thing is far sadder than the calling parents by their first name thing.

Scorpette · 02/09/2010 17:49

Me and my Mum went to a crafts class together last year and introduced ourselves as mother and daughter, of course. When I called my Mum by her first name, when asking her to pass me something, another woman in the class went crazy, saying it was incredibly disrespectful and we must have an 'unnatural' relationship for me to do that and that my Mum should put her foot down (she also acted like we were weird because we walked arm-in-arm when we left!). My Mum got into quite an argument about how ridiculous the other woman was being (and she's so sweet usually!).

Me and my brother have always interchangeably referred to our parents as Mum and Dad or by their first names. When we were little and found out that 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' weren't actually what they were christened, we wanted to call them by their real names. My parents have never minded either way. I think that was quite a common thing in the 70s, to let your kids call you by your first name. Nowadays, we have a variety of different silly names we call them, based on Mum/Dad and their first names. And I can tell you that no two parents are, or have been, as loved as those two

(We still refer to our relatives and family friends as Aunty and Uncle though!)

Re: the best friends thing - when people are adults with their own lives, I always think it's weird NOT to be friends with your parents. Surely it's sadder to have a mummy/daddy-child dynamic going on when you're all adults than to be equals? I'm friends with my parents and they're not losers who spoilt us or were engulfing because they had no lives of their own.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 02/09/2010 17:55

But the "best friends" comment are about the parents mentioned in the OP who want to be "best friends" with their very small children, not about adult dynamics.

Lougle · 02/09/2010 18:01

My DD2 is 3.0, and she switches. Mummy for everyday things, but if I do something she thinks is clever, she says "Well done, Lougle!" I think it is really very sweet. She is just trying to copy me with the tone I use to praise her. It doesn't stop me being her Mummy.

Hulababy · 02/09/2010 18:03

I personally don't like it and it does sound very odd to me when I have heard it. It sounds strange to me when I hear adults call their parents by their first names, let alone little children.

I definitely wouldn't have DD calling me it. I am mummy; will relent to mum later on. She is 8y and mummy works just fine for now.

Ephiny · 02/09/2010 18:10

I would want mine to use my proper name, definitely - it's my name, why would I want anyone to call me anything else? I don't see why that's sad at all, or how it makes me any less their parent.

If they did start using 'Mummy' if they got to nursery/school and wanted to do what all the other kids did - it wouldn't be a big deal, but I wouldn't encourage it. But if other people (like DP, doctors/nurses etc, started calling me 'mum' there would be serious trouble!).

The 'best friends' thing is a bit odd though, especially when they're little, being a parent is a very different role from just being a friend.

SauvignonBlanche · 02/09/2010 18:14

Scorpette OP is talking about young children, not adults.

pointydog · 02/09/2010 18:31

Give over. It's not sad.

A little odd maybe.

DuelingFanjo · 02/09/2010 18:38

Scorpette clearly says she called her parents by their real names as a child too.

I find it sad that people are really bothered by this!

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 02/09/2010 18:44

But Scorpette also says "Re: the best friends thing - when people are adults with their own lives, I always think it's weird NOT to be friends with your parents" -- SauvignonBlanche (and I) are just pointing out that the OP's "they are their children's best friends" relates to young children.

DuelingFanjo · 02/09/2010 18:53

Ah right.

Scorpette · 02/09/2010 19:58

Yes, I knew that the OP was referring to young children being friends with their parents, I was just referring to how relationships should ideally shift over time. Sorry I wasn't clearer :) (My parents were very much like friends when I was young as well, however, and they still had authority over us and didn't indulge us, which is what people think 'friend parents' are like. I always think it's weird that people see being friends with a parent at any age as a bad thing; so long as you get the balance right, which my folks did, it's great)

I do think the name issue is a pointless thing to get het up about, though. Why should it matter to the OP or anyone else what someone else's children call their parents?! It doesn't affect anyone else and if they're happy, then that's all that matters.

Original poster

spiralqueen · 02/09/2010 20:09

Like Greensleeves says your children are the only people on the planet who can call you mummy or daddy. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can call you by your first name. It seems very special to me to acknowledge that relationship. Perhaps that makes me sad

BTW it's not that I have a problem with their choice to not use mummy and daddy - I certainly don't lose sleep over it - it just strikes me as sad to miss out. Each to their own though.

OP posts:

drivingmisscrazy · 02/09/2010 20:19

think it really depends on the family - if it's not a normative family (mum, dad, kid(s)) then it may simply be a question of clarification. DP and I are both 'mummy' to our little girl, but if she wants to force one of us to do something attract the attention of one, or talk about the other mum, say to me, she uses our names. We never taught her to, she's just picked it up. Perfectly sensible. She's 19months old and will no doubt encounter situations where she is wiser to use our first names :(

I do have a friend whose older sister called her parents by their christian names, and then when she started school came home in floods of tears because she thought she didn't have a mummy and daddy. Bless.

It also varies across cultures - I live in Ireland, and it's more common ime for Irish children to address their parents by their christian names - still not that widespread though.

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