Interfering Mother-in-law

[Sarah56721]

Have a two month old baby boy. Am exclusively brestfeeding with no problems, he is putting on weight a bit slower than average but health vister is perfectly happy. My mother-in-law who I have never much liked (she is very anxious, the total opposite of me) is hinting at me to give him additional bottle feeds and muttering that she thinks my son his still hungry! I have never been shy to speak my mind so I told her that the brestfeeding was going fine and to stop interfering! Husband thought I was rude to her, but am I just supposed to accept comments like that, personally I felt she was being rude to me! Furthermore, can't imagin why anyone would try to persude a mother from breastfeeding, surely it should be the otherway round! I take no notice of her so don't let it effect me, but just wondered if any other brestfeeding mothers had received comments like this and do you think my response was a bit harsh?

Well my MIL said give DD a bottle with cereal in it to fill her up. I would smile sweetly next time and say, "I'll bear that in mind." It is generational re. bottles to some extent and you are probably a bit tired/hormonal. Forget it and move on.

You've got a long road ahead of you in this relationship. She's your son's grandmother and you might be grateful for a bit of babysitting down the line so it's best to stay on the right side of her. Of course it's annoying when someone makes unhelpful comments when you're breastfeeding, but maybe something along the lines of 'I know you only want the best for him but the medics all say he's doing really well so please don't worry' would help you all to get on, rather than telling her to stop interfering. Times have changed from when she raised children and, if she's an anxious person anyway she just needs some reassurance. Also, be careful not to be too awful to your husband's mum - whatever you think of her he's probably very attached to her and doesn't want to hear you criticise her too much. I'm 14 years down the line from where you are now and have learned the hard way about how to deal with the mother-in-law!

Hi Sarah you stick to your guns! Unfortunatly you will recieve unsolicited advice from everyone now you have a baby! As long as you are comfortable with what you're doing & your son is well it's really no one elses business. maybe next time she starts up you should try the 'things have moved on quite a bit since your day' followed by a laugh it closes lot's of conversations

why don't you give her some NHS leaflets on breastfeeding, try to educate her a little?
Yes it is infuriating when they think they know best and try and interfer, but i don't think she was trying to upset you.
She clearly is basing her judgements ( however wrong they are ) on her own experience, which is what we all do.

Let her know how important BF is to you and that you know she means well, but you are doing just fine, and would do even better if she were to support you instead of making off hand comments that undermine your roll as mother.

oh, and your comment wasn't harsh if she literally says it most times she sees you.
I would also say to your DH, that unless he can tell his mother to back of, let her know she is wrong in a more polite manner, he has to accept you will have to do it, any way you like.
:)

I think it depends on how you said it as to whether it was unreasonable- after all, she's just concerned about her grandson! However, I do also feel that you have done the right thing to nip this in the bud as she'd have driven you crazy over time with this.

I would never do the 'I'll bare it in mind' thing. Much more effective to say something about how you plan on exclusively breastfeeding for many months yet and so the baby won't be geting any formula at all so ther really is no point suggesting it anymore.

I exclusively breastfed twins and had just about everybody telling me on pretty much a a daily basis that I should give them a bottle, to "to give me a break". I just steadfastly ignored them all! If you're happy and your baby is happy, it's nobody else's business. Just let all the well meaning advice wash over you and carry on!

Be honest, as you were, then you both know where you stand.

Its the best way.

I did try to exclusively breastfed my dd, but after 2 months I noticed that she was losing weight, crying a lot and never really satisfied. She used to suck for 45, one hour non stop.. Spoke to the health visitor who told me she was perfectly fine (dd was almost 4 months old then) and to carry on breastfeeding. Went to see my VERY interfering MIL in Italy and she booked an appointment with a paediatrician. Took my baby and found out they were weighting her wrongly, she was really hungry and that I should give her the bottle plus the breast. She changed for a much happier, healthier, calmer baby overnight.
I don't know if that's the case, but sometimes we need to listen and consider other people's opinion. At the end of the day they too want the best for our child.
good luck!

I think your DH needs to have a word. Feeding your baby is an immensely personal thing whichever way you do it. Get him doing some work on your behalf!!

YANBU for telling her, any sort of interferring with regards to your child is annoying.

But your comment about should be pursuading when it is the other way around is just ridiculous. Some mothers want to breastfeed, some don't or can't. Bear that in mind when you are feeling smug about breastfeeding.

Here is a very useful NHS leaflet about grandparents and breastfeeding which you could give to your MIL to encourage her to be supportive.

www.wiltshirepct.nhs.uk/MaternityServices/MaternityLeaflets/27_Breastfeeding%20information%20leaflet%20for%20Grandparents.pdf

I don't think your comment was too harsh as how you feed your baby is up to you. However it is probably better to try to get her onside rather than risk upsetting her since she is going to be around for a long time!

I would second the smiling sweetly and ignoring advice, whilst nodding and saying that you'll bear her advice in mind. But bear in mind that she won't give up until baby is on meat and 2 veg and the narky little comments may well continue. Cakeslover - the OP is feeding her baby with no problems whatsoever - why would she even need to consider bottle feeding ?

I also have an interfering yet well meaning mother in law, however don't take it too personally when she comments on bottle feeding / breastfeeding. I bf ds and dd until 16 months respectively and I overheard her saying to one of her friends just after my dd was born 'yes dil is breastfeeding, its definitley the best thing for the gc's I'm very proud and supportive of her for doing it'. She never said it to me but I knew she was though.

However on a more practical note, it may be that your mil is feeling a little left out in the feeding process, so can you get her to wind your dc after the occassional feed. ?? Ask her to change a nappy / look after him whilst you cook dinner or have a bath or something.

It took me a while to realise they want time by themselves with their gc's from a really early age but you don't have to be out of the house for that to happen.

With regards to DH, he really needs to facilitate the relationship between you and MIL and understand that hormones are flying around and ultimately you all want the best for your baby but you are really going to have the final say on how the baby is fed.

"it may be that your mil is feeling a little left out in the feeding process"

Blimey. Is there anything that parents and in-laws don't feel left out of these days. How odd. Or maybe it's me who is odd?

I wish I'd been as upfront as you Sarah. Some MIL's do not do subtle or polite smile and nodding etc. My MIL doesn't take no for an answer, unless you are firm. Good for you for nipping it in the bud. My MIL spent months trying to wear me down on BF. I really hope this helps and she eases off now.

wait until you stop!!! She kept telling people she was glad i'd stopped all that 'hippy dippy' stuff. Loon!

cakeslover - your baby was losing weight, which is different from the OP's situation. Her baby is doing fine.

Sarah, your MIL is certainly being rude herself if she says or strongly hints you are not feeding your son adequately. This is a very hurtful thing for a mother to hear.

It would be daft to cause a row, though. Maybe you could steer clear of the 'interfering' word, and just explain that you are confident all is well and this has been checked out by the HV, and you find it upsetting she seems to think you cannot care for your baby properly. So could she bear that in mind, thanks very much? :)

Your DH should be backing you up in this.

Of course you are in the right. You know your baby is healthy and developing well. But. You say you know your DS is putting on weight slowly, so MIL may well have been showing genuine concern. You say you don't like her but only cite her being anxious as a reason....is there something else at play here? That's not a reason to dislike someone IMO, I'm assuming there's another issue. I do think you were quite rude in how you spoke to her, but again I'm assuming there was a huge build up and perhaps you snapped? You're not wrong in wanting to exclusively BF, and your MIL would be wrong to discourage you from that if she knew all the facts. It doesn't seem clear from your post if she knows what your HV has said. She may simply be seeing a small baby who isn't putting on much weight and is offering support (maybe she thinks her mentioning a bottle feed would make you feel able to accept the help of one?), how is she to know it isn't wanted? And then for her DIL to snap at her because of it? Again, I'm thinking there's more to it, because I don't think this constitutes an interfering MIL. Unless there is a lot more to this than what you have described, I feel a bit sorry for this lady.

Maybe a little harsh on her BUT it is so annoying when people constantly comment on how you tend to your child from food to sleep. The worst is when you want to put a baby yawning and rubbing its eyes down and gps start going 'Ooo no not at all tired, wants lots more play with Granny/Grandpa'.
I seriously think some gps (normally ils simply because you can tell your own to feck off) appear to have had a lobotomy and as a consequence no longer remember anything about being a parent.

I always took the view that how I fed my child was no one's business but mine and my husbands. It helped me ignore the comments when I was struggling to establish breastfeeding (why don't you just give her a bottle) to when I fed her for the first year (are you still feeding her?). Once you take the attitude its amazing how it all just goes over your head!!

DuellingFanjo - it also amazes me what MIL's (and others) feel left out of. Hard to accept that there are some things only a mother can do and thankfully breastfeeding is one if them!

is she interferring?
To be honest I think she was probably trying to help.
I actually did that - I breastfed and gave the odd bottle at night as my son didn't put quite as much weight on as he should.
I think you are probably over reacting as you are tired and stressed, its not easy with a baby.
Dont forget your MIL loves your baby too and was probably only trying to help.

Thanks for all the comments. I think I'm comparing my mother-in-law to my own mother who has not offered any advice unless I have asked for it, which surely is the best approach all round! Mother-in-law bottle-fed my husband, maybe she doesn't realise that breast-fed babies are often lighter? LucyLouLou you are right in assuming that other issues are at play too. My father-in-law has myeloma cancer, he is now in remission, but she is still expecting my husband to be around to help out. Problem is that they live a four hour train journey away and as a consquence my husband has missed out on a lot of weeks of our new born son. I have suggested a carer to her, but she is of the opionion that families that resort to outside help are not caring families?! Think this is a very outdated attitude and of course if father-in-law hadn't had gone into remission it would be a different matter. Just feeling I should not be left at home on my own with a new baby for weeks at a time. We have just moved to the area and my own family do not live close at all, so it is just me and my son. I'm managing fine, but don't think that's the point - really feel that my husband should be spending more time at home now. Have made my feelings quite clear to her on how I feel, so now she thinks that I'm uncaring! Furthermore, husband can't look for work if he's always travelling back to see them for weeks at a time, so I'm having to use my savings to pay for everything at the moment which I feel is out of order. Once things go back to 'normal' am hoping to only see them a couple of times a year!