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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Interfering Mother-in-law

36 replies

Sarah56721 · 01/09/2010 00:38

Have a two month old baby boy. Am exclusively brestfeeding with no problems, he is putting on weight a bit slower than average but health vister is perfectly happy. My mother-in-law who I have never much liked (she is very anxious, the total opposite of me) is hinting at me to give him additional bottle feeds and muttering that she thinks my son his still hungry! I have never been shy to speak my mind so I told her that the brestfeeding was going fine and to stop interfering! Husband thought I was rude to her, but am I just supposed to accept comments like that, personally I felt she was being rude to me! Furthermore, can't imagin why anyone would try to persude a mother from breastfeeding, surely it should be the otherway round! I take no notice of her so don't let it effect me, but just wondered if any other brestfeeding mothers had received comments like this and do you think my response was a bit harsh?

OP posts:

diddl · 01/09/2010 16:29

She does sound as if she might have been trying to help tbh-that is if anyone has told her about the slow weight gain, of course.

What are her reasons for thinking he is hungry?

TBH I think it´s up to your husband how much he sees of his father whilst he is so ill.

It´s sad for him that he´s missing your baby, but baby won´t suffer for it.

I think you should make your feelings clear to your husband tbh-you do sound somewhat insensitive!

Original poster

Sarah56721 · 01/09/2010 16:55

Diddl, she thinks he's hungry when he's crying, which sometimes he is and naturally I'll give him a feed if that is what he wants. Maybe she has forgotten how much newborns cry, after all it is their only method of communication!
Husband knows how I feel but finds it hard to say what he wants for fear of upsetting his parents. Faher-in-law is now in remission for hopefully four years, so I really don't think that I'm being insensitive to expect my husband to be at home on a more permanent basis now and for things to return to 'normal'. Husband just wants to be at home now aswell.

OP posts:

diddl · 01/09/2010 17:28

No, I get why you now want to see more of your husband & that´s up to him to sort out-but I think mentioning a carer was a bit OTT-surely that´s a decision for your ILs.

Well of course babies aren´t always hungry when crying and if they are they usually root anyway!

maddy68 · 01/09/2010 17:48

I think you are more cross with your OH rather than your MIL, I think you resent the impact she has on your OH.
She is his mother at the end of the day and whilst you feel his priorities should be with you and your baby (rightly so) but he does have other commitments such as his parents.

To be honest I would be very thankful that I had ended up with a man who looked after his parents as he will be a fantastic father and husband

LittleSilver · 01/09/2010 19:46

To all those saying their DC didn't put on the weight "they should".

You know those growth charts were based upon average weights of bottle-fed babies don't you?

GrumpyFish · 01/09/2010 20:10

I think that Lotkins might have a point. My MIL was exactly the same, went on and on about DS needing a bottle and me needing a break, when he was absolutely fine and I had no problems with breastfeeding. It really got to me - I think I was so tired and emotional anyway that these comments were the last straw (particularly as she used to be a midwife and then a HV....). But eventually I realised that her real motive was wanting to be able to look after her grandson. She obviously had images of having the baby for the day from a young age, which just didn't work with frequent breastfeeding (and anyway I didn't want time without him!). She constantly tried to send me and DH on nights out, and when we said that this couldn't happen due to feeding she'd just say "Oh, I'll get him to take a bottle, once won't hurt".

Anyway, sorry it's long, my point is that I never did say anything. It was easier to tolerate once I understood why she was doing it, and I learned to just grit my teeth and ignore it. And then it just passed... it's a short time in their life really, once they're weaned they can be left for a few hours with puree and a cup and the issue kind of goes away. It sounds like she has a lot on her plate just now, you might find it easier just to gloss over it...

diddl · 01/09/2010 21:12

Well I sgree that it might just be that MIL wants to be able to feed him.

Well, time will come soon enough.

But OP, surely you could just have said that the bfeeding is fine & he doesn´t need a bottle.

I agree with your husband that you were rude in your response.

lindy100 · 01/09/2010 21:22

Both my mum and MIL bottle fed all their children, as did my sister, so I'm the first in my family to bf - and so far have been doing it for 13 months.

After one phonecall in which I told mum how well DD was doing, she suggested I might want to 'limit her weight gain'.

Every time I bf DD in the first few weeks when around PIL, MIL said 'surely she's not hungry again - you're not hungry are you, lindy's DD?'

Both went on quite a lot about bottle feeding water, as last summer was quite hot.

I realised that both were trying to help, but neither knew how - of course, it didn't matter because I did waht I wanted and explain that this was what I was doing - and I always get her back and she never stays anywhere overnight without me, as I'm still bf!

I just kept stating HV comments, my own research (as I did far more than either grandmothers).

Just wait till you being weaning...

lindy100 · 01/09/2010 21:23

begin...

pebblejones · 01/09/2010 21:26

gandj that NHS leaflet is excellent! What a brilliant idea!

OP try to not be discouraged, you are doing really well, I have similar issues with my MIL (who let my DS lick icing off her finger when he was 3 months old, chocolate at 4 months old... when me and DH weren't there/weren't looking. I was very angry, but she continues to do it - she always admits to it in a 'see no harm done, he likes it' kind of way but I will no longer let my DS be alone with her and my Mum thinks I should give him formula top ups with rusks in them.
Both of them seemed unhappy with me wanting to breastfeed and both are horrified that I am still doing it at almost 5 months!

LucyLouLou · 01/09/2010 22:36

Okay, yeah, there are more reasons, but I think this upset is probably coming more out of the fact that something out of the ordinary has been going on with your ILs rather than your MIL interfering. I totally see your point with your DH going away, but you don't really have the right to stop him doing that tbh. Weeks at a time is a bit out of order though....how long do you actually mean? I think it's totally reasonable for him to want to spend time with his parents right now, but I would expect it to be limited to maybe four or five days at a time with a DW and a newborn DS at home. The financial strain is not good either really. I'm sure it'll settle down though :).

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