to worry about my family smoking around my future children?

[Notyetamummy]

This is currently a non-issue as I don't yet have children, but I plan to and it is something that I worry about.

I am the only member of my family, above the age of 12 that does not smoke.

I work in hospitals and regularly see patients suffering from the effects of smoking.

Not only at work, but my Aunt (52) is dying from COPD, my brother (21) has severe asthma and has spent time on ITU and my father has signs of peripheral vascular disease - all of them refuse to give up smoking.

Most of my family don't understand the smoking ban. My Nana is very cross that she can no longer have a coffee and a cigarette in Morrison's cafe. No-one gives up smoking when they are pregnant, they all smoke indoors and if you don't like it you have to leave.

I love my family and always look forward to family occasions when my large extended family piles into a small house and we have great fun.

The problem is, with so much chain smoking, I and my DH (who comes from a family where no-one smokes), find it difficult to breathe easily and always come away with sore throats. It breaks my heart to see all of my young cousins running around in the fog.

The issue is that I know (I discuss smoking with my family members a lot)that most of my family members would smoke around me if I was pregnant or around mine and DH's future children regardless of our objections. Even if we were in the back garden (which is difficult in the winter i.e Christmas) there are so many people smoking that it stinks. Non of them will acknowledge the health risks. My uncle said a few weeks ago, that he couldn't wait until my 5 year old cousin was older so he could nick fags off her.

We are a close family and see each other often and I really love my family and feel I have gained so much from having them as a family.

So basically, DH and I either will have to put up with our future DCs being around alot of smoke or have them not see their family. Even my parents (Dad & gf, Mum & step-dad) would smoke around them. My father still will smoke in the car when I am in the car with him even if I object.

What would you do?

I have heavy smokers in my family - i don't go to their houses and if they come here they smoke in the garden.

don't visit them, but make it clear they are welcome to come to yours if they smoke outside, make extra effort to invite them round.

you know the risks, you can't expose your children to that level of smoke on a regular basis :-(

I wouldn't put myself in any situation where they could smoke in an enclosed environment. Smoking outside, fine but anything else no way.

Get loads of bumpf - give it to them, say you will not put your DC at risk and while you love them, your own child HAS to come first.

I am sure when you have your dc you will feel even stronger about this.
You will not want to put your dc's lives at risk, which you will be, particularly when they are babies.
I wouldn't let anyone hold my ds if they had smoked.

NU. Don't go to their houses when you're PG if they won't stop indoors. Don't let them smoke in yours.

When you have children, please be aware that the second hand smoke can have an effect on their health for up to an hour after a cigarette is smoked by someone else. It's associated with a number of hearing problems, amongst other things. I won't quote stats as I'd be quoting something I've seen on t'telly and that's hardly concrete proof. But no doubt a healthcare professional could explain it better.

I am (unfortunately) very aware of the health implications for children and adults. I have spent a lot of time trawling through clinical trials and seen the effects on many patients.

I have attempted to draw diagrams to show family members that this is fact - not just something that I or doctors are "making up so that they can turn their noses up at smokers". But they just won't listen. They say "Well you either get cancer or you don't - it's nothing to do with smoking - it's genetics" "So-and-so was fit as a fiddle until they were 94 and he/she smoked all his/her life" "If we all gave up smoking the NHS would not get the tax from fags so it would go down the pan". I know and argue the flaws in all of these arguments but they won't listen.

My parents will visit us and reluctantly smoke outside. Non of the rest of the family would as it is usual that we all go to Nana's and they would really not be happy with being made to smoke outside. It is the reason that me and my brother cannot share lifts in the car and the reason that he doesn't visit. If I tried to enforce no-one holding my future DCs for up to an hour after having a cigarette NON of my family would EVER be able to hold them.

I really worry about this as my family will just think that I am being really very unreasonable and hurtful as they do not accept the health risks associated with smoking, especially my Nana.

I think you're swimming in custard there by the sounds of it. Maybe when you do have children they will have copped on to themselves. I wouldn't let it bother you too much now if you can help it.

YANBU

This is a bugbear of mine and I fear if I start I won't stop

All I will say is militant smokers who continue to inflict their disgusting habit on others are selfish and need to wake up to how their habit impacts on others

If they won't visit you because they can't have a fag are they really worth it?

I really don't know what to suggest, I was subjected to far more second hand smoke than I was comfortable with while pregnant (but nothing compared to what you would be), luckily not full on smoking indoors, but in the car and smoke coming in from the outside as it was winter and they stood inside next to the open door. It made me so upset but there was nothing I felt I could do about it. I just tried to avoid situations but it wasn't always possible.

You are really between a rock and a hard place, on one hand snubbing your close family but on the other hand the guilt of knowingly subjecting your children to second hand smoke :-(

maybe start now saying that when you get pregnant you won't have anything to do with smoke to give them time to get used to the idea so it won't seem so personal and snubby.

The health effects aside, it's still a horrible smell. Why visit houses where people make it smell horrid?

And showing your children smoking as a majority activity is hardly an investment in their future, either.

YANBU notyetamummy! You have my uttermost sympathy but you have to put your own and your family's health first.

I have exactly the same problem with my in laws. So, we simply don't stay at their house and insist on they smoke outside when visiting ours. I had a few comments from the MIL in the initial days that she missed us not staying at her house overnight (she lives some distance away), but we gave her the choice either don't smoke near me whilst pregnant or we won't stay. She chose the fags.

As an ex-smoker myself I understand how hard it is to quit however I gave up to have a family and hence don't have much sympathy for smokers who won't/don't/can't quit. Fraid you'll have to take a hard stance on this one

Agree with other posters. Perhaps if you take a hard line on this one (ie: not visiting smoking households when PG, not allowing your child/ren in smoke filled environments, not allowing people to smoke at your house etc), perhaps even one person in your family might be pissed off enough to question the stubborn stupidity of continuing to smoke fags.

The health of your child is paramount. And if anyone kicks up a stink, tells you not to be so precious, tries to tell you that you ought to let your child into their house, tell them you'd rather not associate yourself with people selfish enough to inflict respiratory illness and possibly cancer on a baby/toddler.

"tell them you'd rather not associate yourself with people selfish enough to inflict respiratory illness and possibly cancer on a baby/toddler."

if only it was that simple :-(

I don't go into the homes of smokers. Quite bluntly, they stink, and their houses make me stink. This causes offence, but that is the way it is.

I do have friends and relatives who smoke and if they visit my house they leave the house to smoke. If they don't like it they can not visit.

If I am at someone's house indoors and someone else lights up I leave - though this hasn't happened for a LOOOOONG time as most non-smokers insist that people don't smoke in their homes. Outside I don't worry about it.

People can smoke, it is their body and nothing to do with me, but I don't want to smoke it along with them or smell like them.

Invite them to your house, where you have every right not to allow smoking indoors. They have a moral obligation to respect your wishes.

But remember that they have every right to do as they please in their houses amd you have just as much oblifation to respect that.

It sounds like not visiting the family will be your only option.

I had this issue with my mum who smoked heavily before I became pregnant. I told her before I started trying that once it happened I didn't want her smoking around me or later, the baby. She tried to put up an argument but I told her that I simply wouldn't visit her then! She still smokes in her house whe we are not there, so when we go she may have just finished one, but for the rest of the time we are there, she goes outside. If she comes to our house, then she goes outside and if anything she smokes less when we are around (my siblings also have young children).

It was easier than I thought to be honest, but the line that I wouldn't take the babies there stood - and she knew that I was serious and stubborn enough to see it through if she didn't agree to it!

Dont worry about it now. When the time comes, just stay away if they cant stop smoking around you and baby.

Really not worth fretting over right now though....

There's probably little to be achieved by trying to discuss it with them before you become pregnant. You've already discussed it with them and they all value smoking above your health or their own, no point having the conversation yet.

Once you are pregnant, I think you would be completely reasonable to leave the house as soon as people start smoking. And to insist that people don't smoke in your house (presumably you already do this?). It must be hard, especially if you are close to your family- there's no easy way round it . Clearly, they are all quite happy to increase the of risk life-threatening illness to their children and grandchildren in order to smoke in uninterrupted comfort, so don't feel bad about protecting your unborn child once the time comes.

YANBU - it's harmful and very unpleasant to be around too.

Stand your ground and keep any future children well away.

I'm a chain smoker. Yes, I know! I can manage an hour between fags, so will go outside if required. The child-populated homes I most enjoy visiting are with friends who designate a smoking room while smokers are there. Usually the kitchen or conservatory. This means kids can wander in for a couple of minutes without suffering major contamination, I get to talk to my mates, and they open all the windows when they want me to get the hint!

In my own house, which is tiny, I do the same type of thing when people visit - I smoke in my bedroom and the - er,shed (it's attached to the back of the house). I'm reliably informed it doesn't stink ... it does most of the time, of course, but I clean up the non-smoking rooms for visitors!

It's all so much easier in summer.

I cannot believe there are still people who think its acceptable to smoke or allow people to smoke inside a house where there are kids - amazingly ignorant! I am antismoking to the point that I once made my MIL shower and wash her hair in her own house before she was allowed to kiss my son goodnight after she came home smelling of smoke. Hopefully our children will have had enough education about how incredibly stupid, dangerous, smelly and disgusting smoking is so that by the time they are adults it will be dying out even more. I know smokers will say its their right - sorry - its our right not to have to breathe in your disgusting smoke, thanks.

YANBU - you know smoking is harmful for yourself, DH & future kids. I cannot believe someone wants a 5 year old to start smoking when older! There is also a problem with "third hand smoke" (the particles on clothing, in hair etc some time after a smoker has put out the last one) and children, you'd have to google it though as I can't remember all the details.

We had this problem with MIL - she smoked heavily when I was expecting #1. Ground rules when he was born were - we won't visit you, you are welcome to visit us but not to smoke at all for the duration of the visit (not even outside). She grumbled but stuck to them - she did see the logic behind them. Shortly after #2 was born she quit entirely, as she wanted them to be able to stay over with her when older & she knew we wouldn't allow it while she was still smoking.

Should point out that those rules do seem extreme, they were DHs! I would probably have allowed smoking in the garden but he's massively anti-smoke.

Everyone seems to be of the opinion that I should not visit my family with my future DCs.

I suppose I phrased my original question badly. I think I meant - Would it be unreasonable to take my future DCs to visit my family at big occasions e.g Christmas/birthdays/weddings etc. even though I am fully aware of the health risks?

My Nana is old and does not travel. Everyone lives in different areas across the country(we are two hours away) and so that is why at all occasions (and just on planned weekends) everyone travels to Nana's house. Saying that everyone could visit me would just not happen.

I love my family so much and have so many fond memories of these occasions growing up. I am trying to weigh up the benefits of not exposing my DCs to carcinogens vs the negatives of depriving them of something that has meant a lot to me.

They would not be exposed to smoke anywhere else, just at special occasions. Does anyone think that this is acceptable?

I smoke and I alway smoke outside, i don't smoke in the day as I don't want the kids to see me smoking.

I;m ashamed I smoke at all, I didn't in pregnancy or for six months after I had dc due to bf, but I fell down the black hole again!

I hate militant smokers, there is a smoking ban for a reason. I will most likely die of lung cancer but would never risk passing my second hand smoke onto my children.

Voice your concerns. Simple, they won't judge you for putting your future child health first

There's always the option that the kids could go outside for a while, as:

(a) Southern Christmases (if you are there) are really not that bad, and my mother used to throw us out in bad weather because that was when we were most wild. A bit of running around, swathed in raincoats, was just what we needed. With a new baby, it can be actually quite warm, wearing a baby in a sling, so this could be an option for you some of the time while pregnant, too.

(b) This could finally shame your relatives into action, even if it's only to have one room in the house which is a smoke-free zone, for kids, nonsmoking pregnant women and non-smokers. The sort of place adults don't congregate... maybe the bathroom/loo?

(c) Take family out to the pub, which is smoke-free, so you can sit inside and warm up!

Sorry you are in this situation; they do sound very rude and selfish.