to really not want to visit inlaws at their caravan tomorrow

[springchik]

Cant really get out of it though as dc know about it and dh is looking forward to it. Many reasons really culminating to what happened at the weekend.

PIl came round on saturday with the dgd. They gave ds1 who is starting school soon a ben ten lunch box and drinks bottle. I knew theyd bought this and whilst id light heartedly told them off mil said thats ok we got them with out tesco vouchers.

Anyway after theyd given ds1 this they then proceeded to give ds2 aged 2 under ahuge show of "wow look what youve got" a colouring book, thomas colouring sheets and pencil crayons a smart thomas painting apron and a huge toy story art set that included paints crayons felt tip pens pencil crayons, crayons, pencils, sharpener, glue, stickers,eraser etc etc that turned into a carry case.

This was the last straw as far as ds1 was concerned and he pointed to the set andsaid thats mine. NO said mil thats ds2s. No said ds1 thats not ds2 thats mine and so this exchange continues with ds1 getting more and more irate and ended up getting himself more and irate and distraught pil couldnt understand it. Situation lasted for 2 hours ds1ent upstairs and refused to come down even wfen fil bought an identical pil and labelled ds1 a very siilly and naughty little boy. Reason for buying ds2 so much? They had to treat them both the same and spend exactly the same on both.

Last straw for mr tho was fil rang yesterday from site. Wanted to speak to dh who said hed ring back. Fil then shouted no pu him on NOW I WANT I WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM NOW!!!

MrsGravey - I have 2 children. They both have autism. I would challenge you to find anyone more experienced than me about tantrums and the length of time they can go on for!

I stand by my opinion that you take control.

You remove them from the situation, hell you pick them up and fireman-lift them to their bloody bedroom if you have to, while they kick and scream and try to bite you!

I'm sorry but I don't see what your ILs have done. This is a problem with your own child and nothing to do with them really, except that they have tried to smooth things over by buying something additional for DS1 which IMO sends completely the wrong message but there we are.

Why are you trying to blame ILs when the reality is that you (and your DH) should have a better grip on your children.

I have to say as I hinted at the begining this is a culmination of events.

For instance the other week we went out with my inlaws to the beach. We were at the car park when fil said ds2 is with me by the way as he went to the other side of the car park to pay the parking. Ok I replied next thing I know dh was screaming hold him hand dad I looked over and fil was wondering without a backward glance to ds2 who was behind him whilst cars were in and out all around him!! Dh ran out there as fast as he could and fil was totally bemused at what he was supposed to have done wrong!!He also wants to take the dc out on him own inn a few weeks time!!

But MrsGravy - surely part of the parent's role is to make a fuss of the present that the eldest got in this instance? 'Ooh look how lovely for school, aren't you a grown-up boy etc', which then has the result of making the present for the younger child less desirable?

Springchik - the two situations are entirely unrelated though. One is an issue with child safety, which I think a lot of grandparents struggle with. The other is to do with an uncontrolled tantrum. You can't possibly link them, it is ridiculous.

It is AIBU by stealth and an attempt to change opinion and get the condemnation of the grandparents that the OP feels she needs and deserves.

I'm out.

those two events are unrelated. i think you have a problem with your in-laws tbh. as to there being nothing you can do to stop a child having a tantrum, that's just ridiculous and depressing.

anyway, what did ds say about the whole thing once the pil left?

no i cant but I still dont want to go tbh! Even ds1 said at bed time he didnt want to go but hey the car is packed ane were going!

I've just started reading this book and can thoroughly recommend it.

I have discovered that asking my DD to draw how angry she feels and letting her draw like mad on paper and saying "you feel that angry? etc" helps her to calm and then you can discuss it with them once calm. Loads of ideas in this book. Would recommend definitely.

Do you have a history of problems with your in laws? As it does seem rather extreme that your father in law shouted at you to put H on the phone? Also when you mention "ds1 insisited to mil that it was his and mil insisted to was ds2s and he insisted back it was his and mil insisted back even more vehemently it was ds2s and so it escalated" that does sound like they're trying undermine you and what you were trying to do to calm the situation down. I suspect you're typing fast though as you are struggling with a variety of feelings about tomorrow though. So I may be misunderstanding things. I think maybe it would be better if H took the DCs without you but would the in laws think you were snubbing them?

Sorry you are right they are unrelated I'm just dreading being the subject of gossip and ds being critisized though probably not when we are not around. It is also a culmination of lots of events.

Hecate, yep you can remove the child and put them in their room. And then they can carry on screaming for 2 hours. Thus, the situation continues for 2 hours despite you removing them and 'taking control'. This is what I assumed the OP meant rather than her standing by while her child behaved badly without her attempting to do anything for 2 hours!

Alibaba, how do you know the OP didn't do this??! It's kind of obvious that this is what you would do. I doubt the OP stood there tutting and sighing at her eldest saying, 'look what your younger sibling got, it's MUCH better than your present isn't it?'.

I dunno, I'm no push over as a parent, far from it, but I hate the idea that children are 100% 'controllable', they are their own little people with their own motivations and free will. Sometimes, even the best of parents can't 'control' how they behave. All this tutting over a 5 year old having a major strop, isn't that what young kids do from time to time??

Anyway this is off on a tangent to the original AIBU...

X posted with lots of you, sorry it took a long time to type my message

No I think it would make things worse as they would see it as a major snub it dh went without me.

but what did ds say, though, when you spoke to him about it?

nobody's tutting at him, they're tutting as springchik.

I ddidnt really as he when he had eventually calmed down I wanted to draw a line under and I was just so relieved it was over, Also it was getting late by then. tea a late tea at that and bed.

Well I don't [holds up hands] but she didn't say she did.

I can see why DS1 was annoyed and had a tantrum. I can also see that it may have been helpful to remove him earlier when he was being rude and ungrateful about the present he'd received. My DS is 5, I would be cross if he behaved like that towards my parents and he would be disciplined for the behaviour.

However, you are now having a tantrum and contemplating not going to a caravan which, presumably, pil have paid for and that your DH is looking forward to. Grow up and stop being a poor role model, then maybe your DS will learn to be grateful for the treats his GP bring him.

yes mrsgravy that is pretty much what happened. It left me so shook up as I can honestly say I had NEVER known him to behave like this NEVER! I tried everything to calm him down

If your parents in law are like mine, it maybe better to put some boundaries in place from now on, whether they be how often you see them, how safety is handled on trips and also to agree with your H the things before meeting that you would like to be on agreement on, so that if things crop up once you're with them, you can both back each other up and be a united front as well. Almost like a well planned strategy really, to possible problems that may arise. So for tomorrow if you think there maybe certain issues, discuss them with H beforehand on how you'll handle things.

I'm probably not making any sense as I'm very tired. I'm off to bed shortly. Perhaps someone else can translate what I'm trying to say

Its just a visit for a day and I am not contemplating not going just not looking forward to it!

well i personally think that they can't draw a line under it, they learn from these moments imho. you need to go through it with him and make an agreement as to what to do if he starts to feel that out of control again. it's terrifying for them, they need you to debrief them. imo.

There is a bit of history I suppose with ds behavious and pil. For example last year when visiting inlaws in their caravan ds1 misbehaved and fil said grandad doesnt love you when you are naughty like this he only loves good boys! So thankful that ds1 didnt hear what he said and I refused to tell him obviously. Mil was furious with fil and had such a go at him!

Agree with Aitch's comment, that's a good point.