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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to send this email?

47 replies

kickassangel · 30/08/2010 15:36

not wanting to go into too much detail, but does this email sound ok to send, or do i sound like a completely neurotic bitch?

dh went out to play golf yesterday - i thought for a few hours, turned out to be 7 hours, with his female 'golf buddy' who i think he's been spending too much time with.

i got vv upset & it ended with a volley of phone calls & a huge row between me & dh. now i'm not even sure if he wants to stay married & can't sleep or cope at all really.

he still wants to go & play golf again this weekend, because he works hard & deserves some time off. he does work hard, he does deserve a break. he also likes to escape, partly because i can be too clingy & controlling, BUT i think a man who is not sure whether he wants to stay married should not be going off for an entire day, including several hours in the pub, with his best mate's wife, just the two of them.

if this sounds familiar, i posted about 'round one' of this last week. i think he's just using her as an escape & a bit of an 'emotional affair' but am now not sure. anyway, i think i do owe her an explanation as she must have noticed the increasingly terse phone calls when she was with him (yet still they stayed out), and i wonder if sending her an email would get relayed back to him. of course, it wouldn't prove anything, except how 'good' their friendship is & how on the outside i am.

so - your thoughts on me sending this.

Dear D

After my phone calls interrupted your drinks last night, i feel that I owe you an explanation. As you have noticed, I am finding it very difficult being at home without a job. In fact, as soon as dd is back at school, I will be seeing the doctor about ongoing depression, and lack of sleep.

The move here has been very hard for me to adapt to, and staying home all the time is something I struggle with. I am constantly homesick and lonely.

Of course H deserves some time to unwind at the weekend, but I need time for that as well. I want him to have friends and hobbies, but I actually get very anxious when he is out of the house, particularly when, like yesterday, I was expecting him home several hours earlier than he appeared.

I don't want to get you involved with our silly marital tiffs, but just trying to let you know why I 'need' to know what H is up to atm. Normally, I am far more laid back about these things, but until I can get some ads, sleeping pills & counselling (or anything else i can 'score' from the doctor), I will remain in an anxious state, and lack of sleeping is killing me right now.

xxx

It's a really bad idea, isn't it?
if nothing is going on, then i look like even more of a loon than i do already, if something is going on, they will just ping this back & forth between them & dh will have one more thing to get mad at me about.

i have to go out with dd now, for several hours, but would like to know what people think. i sleep so badly anyway, even sleeping tablets are of no use, and I have lost all perspective.

btw, she is supposed to be my friend, & suffers from anxiety herself, so i would expect her to understand.

OP posts:
deakell · 30/08/2010 15:39

Don't send it.

nomedoit · 30/08/2010 15:39

OK. Take a deep breath. I would be pretty upset too if my DH went off like that with another woman. Don't put yourself down!!!

I think it would help to set out what the purpose of emailing her is - what do you hope to achieve?

LuckySalem · 30/08/2010 15:40

DON'T SEND THAT.

It has nothing to do with her friend or not. This is a problem for you and your DH to sort out.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 30/08/2010 15:41

don't send it, sorry you will look a tit. The issue is with your H anyway, not her.

tribpot · 30/08/2010 15:42

Definitely don't send it. If you have a problem with the amount of time dh spends with her, the problem is with your dh, not her. It's like you want her to save a marriage she's not actually in.

I think you are quite reasonable in not wanting him to go again next weekend, given the state of your health at the moment he would be far more use taking dd out for the day and giving you some time to rest.

Alambil · 30/08/2010 15:42

make sorting your anxiety the main concern - what she thinks is neither here nor there

Gay40 · 30/08/2010 15:43

Don't send that, you make yourself sound completely mental. If he has said he's not sure he wants to stay married (and you haven't just assumed it in the row) then you need a proper heart to heart conversation about how things are.

And if he rides roughshod over how you feel - by this I do not mean getting everything you want, but acknowledging how you feel about it - then he isn't worth staying married to.

baskingseals · 30/08/2010 15:43

you and your dh need to talk - easier said than done, I know

what's it really got to do with 'golf buddy'
it's between you and him.

insertexpletive · 30/08/2010 15:43

I really would not send it.

If she is your friend, by all means talk to her, but sending the email would be a mistake imho.

I think the big issue here is why your dh feels it is ok to go out playing golf for the whole day ( ? every weekend) when you are clearly struggling. I know that you say he needs some time to himslef, but so do you!

kickassangel · 30/08/2010 15:44

you are all saying what i'm thinking, but a)she must know something is up & she is just getting his side of the story and b) i want to know if there is anything going on between them.

OP posts:
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 30/08/2010 15:44

Really bad idea. Don't send it.

It isn't her issue, it's between you and your husband and you would be revealing way too much info about yourself.

I think if you send this, a few months down the ine when you are in a happier place, you would really regret it.

Earlybird · 30/08/2010 15:45

What a terrible place to be emotionally.

Tell us more about the 'golf buddy' - how does your dh know her? Is she married, and if so, how does her dh feel about the outings?

Sounds as if you need some regular 'couple' time to relax and have fun. Can you afford a babysitter so you and dh can go out together at the weekend? You both deserve some time to unwind, and tbh, sounds like you both need to have fun together so can rediscover that you enjoy spending time together and like being around each other.

Don't think I'd send the email to her, btw. Just work on how to schedule some regular 'good' time with dh.

nomedoit · 30/08/2010 15:46

I agree with tribpot. DH needs to make a commitment next weekend to his family. Hell, she doesn't sound like much of a friend to you.

I think you are feeling very low and being tough on yourself - it almost sounds as if DH or you yourself have convinced you that he 'deserves' to be away from you. Sorry, didn't phrase that very well. But the marriage won't get better by him spending time with another woman, however innocent It does sound like an emotional affair or some sort of 'escape'. He needs to be at home, having a drink with you, in the evening.

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 30/08/2010 15:47

I don't think sending this would help you with a or b.
If there is anything going on between them then this may back up any claims he has been making about you being a bit of a loon. I can't see any good coming of it.
If she is a friend then arrange to go out with a drink or something with her and have an informal chat . Really Don't send it!

minibmw2010 · 30/08/2010 15:47

If you want to know if something is going on between them, ask her !! Don't send such a needy self-pitying email.

Vallhala · 30/08/2010 15:47

Yes, it is a bad idea imho.

I'd never be comfortable about giving anyone what might be viewed/used as ammunition and I'd feel very uneasy about baring my insecurities like that. I'm not saying that I think this woman is a rival or that your DH is having an affair - if anything I would question whether you would honestly feel/prepare to write the same if it were a man your DH was spending time with. I have a feeling you might not be. (Speaking here as a woman who is preparing to be host for the next few days to a male friend whilst his DP stays home, with plenty of drinking and laughs to be had along the way). I am saying though that it may be used to indicate that you are OTT and being too "needy".

sorrento56 · 30/08/2010 15:48

I don't think you should send the email to her. I think you should be talking to your husband and asking for reassurance from him. Good luck.

nomedoit · 30/08/2010 15:49

Kissass, she won't tell you if there is anything going on FFS! You'll just inflate her idea of her own importance/power.

clam · 30/08/2010 15:51

Why on earth do you need to explain to her? Your marriage should be none of her business. And if there is anything going on, then you'd be giving away information that you perhaps ought to be keeping to yourself.
Don't send it. Talk to your DH, but try if you can to do so calmly, without blame. Easier said than done I know.

hobbgoblin · 30/08/2010 15:52

I have to go look at stick insects with DS as I promised we would today so have to be brief here...

Don't send it, as everyone else has said. Definitely don't communicate your relationship stuff via her. If she is keen on him then it will strengthen her bond with your DH and weaken your DH's with you.

Why don't you try emailing some never to be sent emails to your DH and even yourself as a way of trying to gather your thoughts a bit. I often write emails I don't send in the early hours, then go to bed and read them in the morning. It really helps me and helps me work out what I am trying to achieve and then find better ways of doing so.

Sorry you are going through this difficult situation and the inevitable pain it will be causing you.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/08/2010 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nancydrewrocked · 30/08/2010 16:01

Please don't - you sound needy and desperate.

Either she is having an affair with your husband in which case you are going to inflate her sense of self worth or she is not and you are going to sound like a loon.

kickassangel · 30/08/2010 16:01

i won't send it.

she is his best mate's wife, but neither her husband or i are invited when they stop golf & go for drinks, even when only a mile from home & it's mid afternoon.

i get insomnia badly & am now running on 20 mins sleep a night. i have also spent pretty much the last two years crying cos i'm homesick

originally she was 'my' friend & we would go for drinks, but the last couple of months she's avoided me or it's been as a group, absolutely no chance of just us girls going for a chat.

i kind of knew the email wouldn't work, but just want to actually know what they have together, she is apparently happy in her marriage, but her dh does a lot of independent things & then my dh seems to get drafted in.

i really do have to go.

thanks for telling me what i needed to hear.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 30/08/2010 16:05

Sounds to me like she's just a woman who is secure in her marriage and comfortable in male company. Maybe ultimately she just prefers male company? They clearly have a mutual interest. (Wondering if you play golf and suspecting not).

A friendship like the one between DH and her doesn't have to be sinister.

Vallhala · 30/08/2010 16:07

Apologies for the crap grammar, must learn not to discuss tomorrows plans with DD whilst typing!