Money Worries

[robbo6000]

I'd like some opinions on whether I'm being unreasonable. (I'm being told by my partner that I am..)

We have been together 15 years and have three young daughters.

I work full time and take home an average wage. ALL of this gets spent every month on the mortgage, bills, food for the family, maintaining the family cars etc...etc. She pays nothing towards this. At the end of the month there's nothing left of my money-it's all been spent on the family.

My partner works two days a week, any money that she earns she spends on herself and treats for the girls, eg trips to the theme parks etc.

She has now told me that I must give her money...to spend on herself.

Obviously, I don't have money to spare and in any case I think this request is unreasonable, seeing as I pay ALL the mortgage, ALL the food, ALL the household costs, ALL the costs for her car etc...etc. I feel she should make a contribution towards expenses, not asking for money for designer clothing.

She also states that "ALL her friends" are given "hundreds of pounds" by their husbands to "spend on themselves".

Is it reasonable to expect her to contribute?

How does it work in other people's relationships? Does your partner give you "hundreds" of pounds a month to spend purely on yourself? Do you earn a wage? Do you contribute to household expenses or does hubby pick up the entire tab?

Comments appreciated!

do a joint cash flow, use excel

then she can see she is talking SHITE

simple!

what a load of old shite!

If i were you id be mad as a mad thing.
No way.
what planet is she on? what planet are all her friends on?

absolutely she is bieng VVV U.

we both work, dh full time, me nearly full time, but even when ds was little and i worked part time, we split everything 60/40, now its 50/50.
I would never ask this of dh, the cheek, nor would i ever expect him to ask this of me.

We live in an upside down world here I am the major breadwinner here and cover most of the costs. However, DH and I sat down and ran through all our expenses. We each have separate accounts which our pay goes into we then pay agreed amounts into a joint account for the household, I also pay DD's school fees and all DH's motoring expenses. Anything in our accounts after this is our pocket money to spend on what we like and the other one never asks any questions.
I think maybe you need a frank discussion about what your family costs are and how they are met.

YANBU. I am a SAHM and spend the child benefit and any ebay money I make on groceries/soft play/ bus fares and occasional ebay clothes for myself. DH pays for everything, has a football season ticket for himself and a few nights out a month. When I run out I ask him for the odd 20 or 30 quid to tide me over. It works for us.

When the children both start school I will do more to earn more in order to ask him for money less often.

Your DW needs to realise its not like school. You can't have expensive shoes just cos other girls have got them. Anyway, there are hundreds of ways she can treat the kids without going to theme parks, but that's a whole other thread! You sound v reasonable to me. You can't be greedy when you've got kids. She needs to learn this.

thats what we do liz, joint for bills n stuff then whats left is our own.
we have seperate accounts for savings & luxuries, but op is saying he has nothing left at the end of each month.

YANBU at all!!!!

The way my partner and I have the finances is that all income from all sources is put together. Once all bills/living costs are payed. The childrens treat are budgeted in and any savings/christmas/birthdays/clothes/house bits etc.....

What is left is split between us equally. This way we both has money to ourselves, but neither is going without.

Although incomes are not always the same, we work on the basis that we both ruin a house together, one may easrn more, one do more childcare/housecare etc. its a partnership, not one "keeping" the other.

Maybe you need to list all your incomings and outgoings and show her that she does get a sizeable chunk of your money!

YANBU, and are getting the shitty end of the stick by the looks of it. Blimey, I think a frank discussion with her about your financial situation is in order. Maybe you should set up a joint account with both your money going in to pay the outgoings. Anything left at the end of the month gets split between you to spend on yourselves or on family treats.

I also am a bit of a tospy situation, I've always earnt more that DH per annum, but am self employed and have irregular income and sometimes have had to rely on him to bail me out. I spend on treats for both of us when I am flush and always pay for major outgoings (car/holidays) from my savings where as he covers most of the regular outgoings, mortgage etc. This will of course change if/when we have a DC as I wont be able to work for a while. I suppose at that point I might have to ask him for money but I certainly wouldn't expect an 'allowance' just so I can bling up!

cross posts with random there, sorry :o

I have previously prepared a list of outgoings, which clearly shows where all my earnings go.

However, I still get met by the "my friends get given money" line.

I know at least one of them is a "kept woman" but the others I very much doubt. I think there's a bit of "one upmanship" going on-they all want to appear like their husbands provides them with unlimited funds.

(The rest appear to be maxing out their credit cards to fund luxuries, a trap I don't want to fall into. Unfortunately, my partner sees this expenditure and expects the same lifestyle)

To be honest I don't want to pool all our income because I know it'll get spent on frivolous items and I'd be expected to make up the difference. Have tried in the past and she can't stick to a budget.

How can I get it through that there is only a limited amount of money?

How can I make her see that her belief that everyone else is a "kept woman" is completely wrong??

I dont think the issues here are about money as you say doing an expenditure list of outgoings and incomings doesnt work. It's a ridiculous idea on her part about being given money to spend on herself and I would be spitting mad if I were you. DH and I have always worked full time and I earn a lot more than him but all our money is pooled together.
We are very careful with how much we spend on ourselves tbh so it's never been an issue. I can trust him not to spend money on something we cannot afford and him viceversa. Not sure how you manage when one of you doesnt get it.

Crazy! I earn much less than my husband. We have a big spreadsheet of all our bills and pay equal proportions of our salary on them. That means he pays more than I do, but as he earns more than twice as much it's a fairer way to do it. The leftover money is ours to spend as we wish.

I'm currently pregnant and when I go on maternity leave will not have much cash. At that point he will give me money so I'm not left with nothing. But I will not be using it to buy myself designer clothes! Your wife needs a reality check.

The crux of the problem I think, is the belief that every other wife in the world gets provided for by the husband.

Part of this probably stems from her upbringing-a very traditional family where the belief was that the man went out to work and the woman should stay at home.

The other part of it is the constant drip-drip-drip of "so-and-so doesn't have to work, her husband pays for everything".

Tell her 'sure honey, I'll give you more money. But to do that we'll need to sell our house and get something smaller so that our mortgage and bills are lower, that we we'll actually have some of my money left at the end of the month. Shall we call the Real Estate Agent and downsize now???'

robbo, She needs some different friends who shop in Primarni/ebay/charity shops!

Obviously that's a long shot to expect her to change her friends but she can change her attitude. Its beggars belief that she still expects the lifestyle of a minor WAG when you have 3 DDS. Its possible of course that her friends are all lying to outdo each other, but I bet they all have massive credit card bills.

Your DW could start boasting that you are "debt free" rather than running up massive credit bills for stuff she can't afford. You sound very sensible not to go up the credit card route.

Debt free in non bling clothes is a very nice place to be.

There's a saying "Its not happiness that makes us grateful, its the gratefulness that makes us happy". She has 3 healthy children and a loving husband. That's more than enough. Hopefully the scales will fall from her eyes one day.

Sorry, Robbo, but it sounds like this runs fairly deep as it's not just about not being good at budgeting but her disappointment in not having a dh who earns a massive amount to keep her in the life she expects for herself.

Your partner is being very unreasonable, this isn't the 1950s. I think you really need to find a way to make her see that her demands are unfair, if you have nothing left at the end of the month while shes buying herself luxuries something needs to change. I would love my dh to give me some money to spend on myself but unfortunately we live in the real world!

I would say to her what I would say to my son if he said 'but so and so gets to do X Y or Z'.

'And what, exactly, does that have to do with you/us? They do their finances their way, we do ours our way.'

Because she is acting like a spoiled child.

Which is a bigger issue, IMHO.

After all essential costs and costs for the children have been accounted for, (and savings would be useful too) any money left over should be split evenly between you to spend on yourselves.

If that amount is not enough then she will have to find a way to be earning more money.

I really feel for you Robbo.

My partner is crap with money by his own, which he is happy to admit, so he asked me to handle all money matters and just tell him what he has got to waste lol. Unfortunately I get the impression your partner would not be happy with this.

Maybe you could go a bit hardline on her and pay the essentials for the family..........but leave her to pay her own bills (such as her car etc..) then maybe she would have to learn to budget herself, or face the consequences.

You seem very sensible with money, and she should actually be greatfull for this. Maybe if she could see the real cost of her friends bling bling living off credit then she may see its not as simple to have it all.

She is being very U.
I work PT.
My DH works full time, and pays for a lot of the boring stuff. Rent, Council Tax, etc.

We divvy up the utilities, food etc.

We run our own cars unless one of us is skint. Some years I pay his insurance, for example.

I buy every one's clothes, because DH doesn't have time.

Essentially, we have a partnership.

I could wank all the child benefit or SMP up the wall in LK Bennett while DH is at work, but that would be unfair and detrimental to our family.

YANBU, she is a spoiled brat.

Hate the old fashioned notion that men provide and women stay home and expect to be provided for. Tell her to work more if she wants extra. I'd also say if she doesnt see her salary as being family money then neither is your salary.

Did you discuss all this before having children?

Was she upfront about her expectations - ie that she wanted to only work two days a week and basically be a 'kept woman'?

Honestly, she sounds like a throwback to the 1950s! Personally I don't think her upbringing is a valid excuse, as many of us were raised at a time when it was far more usual for the father to be the sole earner, and for the mother to stay home or just work for a bit of pin money. Times have moved on (thank god!) and most women and men expect (and want) equality.

I think she's exaggerating about all her friends being given hundreds of pounds a month to spend on themselves. Unless she's mixing in a really dreadful circle of mindless WAG type creatures.

I would just give back as good as you get if she starts this line again. Tell her that if she wanted to partner a personal ATM, then she's got the wrong guy. Tell her it's a dull, unattractive, demeaning trait for a woman to behave as though she's incapable of paying her own way. Tell her that you don't wish to spend your entire life earning simply to pay the bills and mortgage while she gets to work part time and reap the benefits of your hard work.

Face it.. she's taking the piss, and needs a bit of straight talking. Actually in your shoes, first thing I'd do is book myself a weekend away, or at least an expensive night out. Tell her you're spending on yourself for a change, and she'll have to cut down on her shopping this month to allow for it!

Ok so maybe pooling money in a joint account wouldn't work if she would just dip into it. How about giving her a set amount each month for house keeping (and agreeing that she contributes a set amount also) and making it her responsibility to pay for food and some of the bills, anything left over she gets to spend on herself. That would mean she would have to take responsibility for some of the budgeting and give her an incentive to shop sensibly. I am hoping she would not scrimp on stuff for your DDs just to kit herself out? But at least she would have to learn exactly how much you are spending on those things and how hard it is to make ends meet each month?

Also does she have 1 friend who isn't living this WAG lifestyle that you could confide in and maybe get to talk some sense into her? Sounds like she is living in cloud cuckoo land at the mo. I really feel for you tbh.

She's clearly fallen into the wrong crowd at school hasn't she. I'm sure there always are a few "kept" women about, but not many, and as others say probably with huge cc debts to fund the lifestyle.
It's amazing she can't see how unreasonable she is being - it's obvious to anyone that it is not reasonable for one partner use all their money to pay all the bills and have nothing left, and for the other to spend all their money on fripperies. Where does she think all this extra money is going to come from? YADNBU

Get her to work full time!