Money Worries

[robbo6000]

I'd like some opinions on whether I'm being unreasonable. (I'm being told by my partner that I am..)

We have been together 15 years and have three young daughters.

I work full time and take home an average wage. ALL of this gets spent every month on the mortgage, bills, food for the family, maintaining the family cars etc...etc. She pays nothing towards this. At the end of the month there's nothing left of my money-it's all been spent on the family.

My partner works two days a week, any money that she earns she spends on herself and treats for the girls, eg trips to the theme parks etc.

She has now told me that I must give her money...to spend on herself.

Obviously, I don't have money to spare and in any case I think this request is unreasonable, seeing as I pay ALL the mortgage, ALL the food, ALL the household costs, ALL the costs for her car etc...etc. I feel she should make a contribution towards expenses, not asking for money for designer clothing.

She also states that "ALL her friends" are given "hundreds of pounds" by their husbands to "spend on themselves".

Is it reasonable to expect her to contribute?

How does it work in other people's relationships? Does your partner give you "hundreds" of pounds a month to spend purely on yourself? Do you earn a wage? Do you contribute to household expenses or does hubby pick up the entire tab?

Comments appreciated!

How it works for us is that all the money we earn is 'ours'. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so I'm contributing less financially but in the past I was the main earner whilst DH was working freelance and then later building his own business, so it's swings and roundabouts.

HOWEVER, DH and I have similar views about money and we discuss major purchases and our financial situation openly and regularly. I think if you and your DP have fundamentally different ideas about money (how to earn it, how to spend it and how much you need of it) then this will be a recurring problem in your relationship. You need to have a more detailed and open dialogue about your finances. Sometimes I think disagreements over money simply cannot be resolved as our attitudes to money are often deep rooted and non-negotiable.

While I think YANBU thinking that her demanding money for "designer clothes" isn't on, I don't really understand the "make her earn it" mentality.
You are in a partnership aren't you - not living two separate lives?
I guess you may have hit a nerve as I am a SAHM to two children (nearly 3 and 5 months) and I contribute a grand total of NOTHING to our finances - my husband's wage pays for everything - mortgage, bills, food, children's stuff, clothes, everything. All money goes into a joint account including child benefit and tax credits and just gets spent, by either of us, as we please.
So I guess I'm a "kept woman" (if you discount childrearing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and household finances)
Call me an old traditionalist but it works pretty good for us.

She sounds like a madam! DP earns considerably more than me (at the moment) so pays for most things. I pay when I can by paying for the shopping or covering the rent when its student loan time. If there is £ left over whoever wants to spend it spends it. If there is nothing left at the end of the month there is nothing for treats for anyone.

If I am skint I ask DP to transfer some £ into my account- I am an adult and know how much we have coming in and going out and understand there is only a finite amount of the stuff so he never questions the amount. Sometimes its £20, the other day it was £200 though. I try hard not to take the piss though,I don't feel I am begging him for £ or feel grateful or anything but, this summer I have had to rely on him quite a lot financially. So, when I needed my hair done I hung on with it looking rough for a few weeks and asked for it as for my birthday.

Our situation is different as we made the decision for me to go to uni, but even we hadn't and I was just caring for the children and working part time I think it would be the same

YANBU!

We have a joint account and pay exactly the same into it. This pays for everything apart from food which we both buy as and when. The rest of our money is our own, but I do tend to buy more for the boys and DH spends on mutually beneficial stuff (e.g- gardening equipment).

Now I work part-time I still pay the same into the joint account as this is my commitment to the family finances. It just means I have less to spend on myself, but I get more time with the boys. We have always earned very similar amounts up until very recently. Even whilst on maternity leave I still maintain my joint account payments.

I think you need to have a word with your wife. There may well be people she knows who get £100's from their husbands (I know a few), but this is presumably within their means. She needs to see how lucky she is that you pay for so much. Maybe she needs to see this thread...

Yanbu.

I currently earn pretty much the same wage as dp and we have worked out a 'household' budget that we can both stick to.

When I go on maternity leave I will give all my smp towards that, and dp will make up the rest. But at no point would it ever be his responsibility to pay for essentials while I spent my smp on fripperies, or to give me money for anything other than food, baby stuff or comparable purchases.

If your wife has seen your budgeting, it is just selfish of her to ask you to spend money she must realise you can't afford. If she's a full time mum, sure, she can't make the same contribution, but you are not her ATM!

If she can't understand this difficult situation, why? Perhaps she thinks you're keeping part of your income secret?

Tell her to work three days instead of two and then she'll have a bit more pocket money.
My DH pays for everything but I do respect that and don't take the piss.
I know women who hide carrier bags of shopping from their husbands, have £200 hairstyles and lie about it, but the other women in the group think it's all a bit pathetic tbh.

YANBU. I'm shocked that even showing her spreadsheets of your income and outgoings failed to show her that there just isn't any more disposable income for her to fritter spend wisely.

I would be inclined to hand her a calculator, get her to type in your monthly take-home pay, then one by one subtract the mortgage, each utility bill, grocery bill, average monthly costs for running the cars, one-twelfth of your annual holiday costs, etc. When it's down to zero, ask her precisely where you're supposed to find several hundred pounds extra for her to keep up with the Joneses with.

"To be honest I don't want to pool all our income because I know it'll get spent on frivolous items and I'd be expected to make up the difference. Have tried in the past and she can't stick to a budget."

I thought you said there was nothing left so how could something that isn't there be spent on "frivolous items"? Unless you do have money left over and aren't mentioning it/don't want her to see it?

Why did you marry her. I hope sh'e pretty and has other good points.

Wjhy not make her go back to full time work. I worked full time frmo when all the 5 babies were about 2 weeks old. It makes a lot of sense. That way her income will be much higher and long term the family will be more secure.

Did she come from a sexist home where women were handed money by men?

Doesn't sound like a case to pool resources. Send her off on a Saturday all day money management course for a start. She might liek the break from the children.

rainbowinthesky - I totally agree with your comments. As far as we are concerned all money etc is joint. It exists for the mutual benefit of the household and it's inhabitants. One partner may earn more or less than the other and if that is the case it does not matter in the slightest as not everyone will have the same earning power. It's effort that matters. If you are a SAHM then the same applies, you are still working, though unpaid, thus contributing to the general welbeing of the family. If you are a SAHM then you have time to further the wider interests of your family, which is an immeasurable (very post-feminist) benefit. OP,tbh, I cannot really comment on whether YABU or not. The point is that if you pool everything and them apportion from there, you will both see what the priorities are and that is a solid foundation to start with, because if you agree on priorites that is a foundation of trust. A very good place to start imo.

It sounds like something out of the 1950s. I would not have the brass neck to ask for pocket money from my husband. It was hard enough agreeing to him paying all the mortgage and bills when I became a sahm (I did offer to go to work and him stay at home but apparently being a sahd does not appeal ).

Yanbu. Shame on her. Did she miss the emancipation of women and feminism?

What would Germaine Greer have to say on this subject, do you think?

Not read all the posts but just wanted to share how it is in my household.

Right from the beginning me and dh have had a joint account and a separate current account each and a seperate ISA each. Both our salaries are paid into the joint account, all the bills are set up from dh current account, so enough money is transferred into there from the joint account for all the monthly bills. We have a joint credit card that we each use for absolutely everythin i.e weekly shop, petrol, clothes etc and it is paid off in full each month from the joint account.

We both work full-time and have 1 dd. We both have the maximum £243 for childcare deducted from our salaries for dd nursery and top up from the joint account. We manage to put some money away each month into our isa's from the joint account and have never argued about money, who spends what etc in the 12 years we have been together.

We have always done this no matter which one of earns more. We are a partnership and it works for us! However if one of us just squandered what we don't have without thinking then ofcourse things would be different. I guess we are lucky that we are both financially sensible. So in your case YANBU.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense! I'm using the iPhone and it's hard to type, read back etc

We both earn. All money into a joint account. All bills paid from joint account. Anything left over goes to the fastest round the shops :D

YANBU - the way we do it in our house is that we each have our own bank accounts that our wages are paid into. We then have several standing orders set up to pay all of the expenses, or move money to savings accounts to save for extra irregular expenses such as children's clothes, car tax etc etc.

These standing orders all go out at the beginning of the month and the amounts we each pay are proportionate to our salaries so that we each have the same amount of 'spending' money left in our accounts. This to me is totally fair and means that what I spend my money on and what my DH spends his money on are completely up to each of us and our spending habits which are quite different (my husband is the spender!) do not impact each other.

Why not show your DP this thread so that she can see what really happens in the real world. Unfortunately, it doesn't really matter what her friends' DP's do. At the end of the day, you both earn what you earn and this and your outgoing dictate what you can do with your money, NOT what other people do!

She is taking the piss it's that simple. Glad everyone else can see it.

If this were the otherway around and posted in relationships you'd be told to leave for someone who appreciates you.

I hope she realises this before she does lose you.

She's in another world. We earn different amounts but pay equal proportions into the joint account to ensure mortgage, bills etc are paid off. Any spare money (not a lot) goes on luxuries for ourselves; (i.e. takeaways for the two of us on occasion, rounds of golf for him, hairdressers for me etc etc).
I have more money sense than he does (admitted by him) and frequently save more than he does, despite buying the DCs' clothes out of my leftover money (he still has student debts to pay off ). Every now and then I pay off some of his debts with my savings, and we have a bit of a barney, but there's no way on God's earth that he would dare ask me for my money to spend on him!
Your DP needs a reality check and needs to see that the money you both earn should go into the joint account, and then the remainder be split equally - you need a break as much as she and your DDs do.