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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's best to leave well alone?

42 replies

Megatron · 27/08/2010 16:18

OK, I'll try to keep this brief. I married for the first time 23 years ago. I was a vile, spoilt brat and treated my husband appallingly, I lied, I was unfaithful and didn't consider his feelings at all then I left him (luckily for him). He was a very, very nice man and I was an absolute cow.

I am, and have been for many years completely horrified by my own behaviour towards this man, I've never been like with anyone else before or since and when I think about it, it's like it was another person and not me. I'm so incredibly remorseful about the whole situation and I think about it quite a lot and feel that quite honestly, I really deserve to feel as shit as I do about it, not in a 'I'm such a martyr' way, just that if you behave so badly you should feel crap about it.

Anyway here's my problem, my closest friend of 30 years has found my ex on the dreaded FB though a friend of a friend. She knows how I feel about the whole situation and is pressuring me into contacting him to apologise for my previous behaviour because I 'owe him an apology'. I honestly think this would be a terrible thing to do. He is now married with children and I think although it might make me feel better I think it would be horrible for him to be even contacted by me. We've been apart for over 20 years, he's happy in a relationship, I'm happy with my DH and I just think it would be incredibly stupid and a pretty selfish thing to do. I'm quite shocked by how insistent my friend is being, for a start, it's really none of her business and I don't know why it matters to her anyway. I told her today that it wasn't going to happen under any circumstances so we've had quite an argument about it and I don't really get why she keeps going on about it or why she can't see that it would be a ridiculous thing to do. I really don't want us to fall out but at the same time I'm not about to go dragging up old wounds for someone just because she wants me to.

Sorry this is so long and rambly and my punctuation is crap. I'm steeling myself a bit for this but I would honestly appreciate your opinions on how to keep my friendship with her.

OP posts:

QueenofAllWildThings · 27/08/2010 16:19

YANBU - what business is it of hers? Does she even know him?

You are right to feel sorry, but obviously he's got on with his life so it's over.

flier · 27/08/2010 16:22

yip. best to leave well alone.

MisterW · 27/08/2010 16:28

You're right, you should leave well alone. If your friend is that insistent, take the details from her and tell her that you'll think about it... then throw the details away.

LackingInspiration · 27/08/2010 16:28

YANBU

Steer well clear - what's done is done and dragging it all up will not be helpful. It'll probably upset him and his partner.

LackingInspiration · 27/08/2010 16:29

Ooh, do what Mister said!

RonansMummy · 27/08/2010 16:29

YADNBU i think you are right, what good would it do? if your dh or his dw found out they would find it odd and wonder why you did it. after all these years it can only cause problems. your friend is interfering!

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2010 16:32

I used to be as you describe and also feel crap about my appalling behaviour, but like you say, we were different people then.

I think you're right not to contact him, and it's up to your friend to try to keep your friendship going with you, not the other way round.

You've spelt it out to her and she wont for some reason accept it. If she carries on blathering about it you're going to have to be less subtle than you have been or tell her to keep her distance from you until she can come to terms with your decision.

It does sound weird that she keeps going on and on, does she know him? Does she know something you don't? What's in it for her?

Original poster

Megatron · 27/08/2010 16:36

She says I'm being selfish! Not only do I think it could be potentially disruptive (at best) I also think it could easily be misconstrued like I'm trying to worm my way back into his life when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth! I love her to bits but I think it may be best to keep my distance for a week or two.

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 27/08/2010 16:38

YADNBU. He will not want to hear from you and could potentially cause problems in his relationship. Tell your friend to piss off and mind her own business? Whats it to her anyway?

Original poster

Megatron · 27/08/2010 16:38

Agent Zigzag, that's what I don't get I cannot for the life of me understand what difference it makes to her. She knows him very vaguely and I don't think they've even spoken for over 10 years. Gah!

OP posts:

SocialButterfly · 27/08/2010 16:40

Sounds like she see's herself as Jeremy Kyle - tell her to bog off, you're right to leave well alone

sorrento56 · 27/08/2010 16:40

I think you should leave well alone. If he is slightly unhappy in his relationship hearing from you could cause unnecessary upset.

I did explain why I had done something to an ex who contacted me and I am glad I did but it just brought more problems tbh.

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2010 16:43

It sounds a bit obsessive tbh, like in her mind you've got to do what she says or it's doesn't feel right in her head.

Could she have a crush on him and she's trying to get in by forcing you to make contact, then it's 'Oh and you remember my friend XXXX'?

Laska · 27/08/2010 17:02

She sounds like she could be in the Landmark Forum - they're forever apologising for past misdeeds.

I'd tell her no, tell her why, then firmly tell her you choose not to discuss it further.

FluffyCut · 27/08/2010 17:49

my dp's ex contacted him recently after 12+ years after they split up. She texted him to say she was really sorry about how she'd acted while they were together.

We both thought it was bizarre and wondered what she was after. It did turn out later that she'd split from her husband about the time she contacted dp which made me a bit Just caused us both a bit of stress and to think she was a nutter.

so i wouldn't bother frankly.

QuizteamBleakley · 27/08/2010 17:56

YADNBU - the past is the past, after all. It does seem, though, as if your friend may just want you to feel better about yourself.

It's evident - imo - that there is an old part of you that you really don't like and I wonder if she's trying to 'heal' that part of you? Hope that doesn't sound too hippy-fied but, in a fucked up way, it could well be that your friend is trying to 'fix' you. It's the sort of dumbass idea my best friend would have, y'know - full of good intentions but no real understanding of the implications. We call her Baldrick, for that very reason!

Katey1010 · 27/08/2010 18:06

YADNBU. If my ExH contacted me and apologised for his (admittedly shitty) behaviour during our marriage I would think he had either; found God; found AA; was after something. I'm over it, why wouldn't he be.

lazarusb · 27/08/2010 18:09

If my ex contacted me out of the blue to apologise I would wonder why, then tell him to get lost- I've moved on and don't reminders of his shit behaviour.
Stand your ground, I bet he couldn't care less either way now.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/08/2010 18:57

If an ex contacted me to apologise for behaving really badly, I would be happy that he cared enough to try to put it right. That said though, people often confess/apologise in order to make themselves feel better, rather than for the good of the person concerned.
You have made a decision and it is your decision to make, not your friends, so I think you should tell her that it isn't going to happen and you want to stop talking about it.
If she won't let up, then I think it will impsact on your relationship. I think it is nice that you have cosidered how your ex will feel and have not just tried to alleviate your own bad feelings about it all

Animation · 27/08/2010 19:21

Megatron -

Something doesn't add up about your post. Not sure what your issue really is - you're certainly no push over so I don't really get how your friend is the source of the problem.

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2010 19:29

Isn't the problem that megatron wants to stay friends with the person who's pushing her to contact the ex, she's tried other ways of telling her to back off and she's not taking the subtle as a brick hints?

I don't think that smacks of her being a pushover in this situation, she just values her 30 year friendship with her friend.

Even if you've known someone for that length of time you can still have to tread on eggshells when it comes to some things (I've found ).

Animation · 27/08/2010 19:38

Will this friend only stay friends if Megatron contacts her ex and 'apologises'??

That doesn't make sense.

FallingWithStyle · 27/08/2010 19:42

You're right, you're friend is wrong.

You sound like a thoroughly good egg

FallingWithStyle · 27/08/2010 19:42

your friend...(was just on a thread about spelling too!)

brassband · 27/08/2010 19:54

A)apologising won't undo what you did
B)it will only make you feel better it won't make him feel better

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