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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's best to leave well alone?

42 replies

Megatron · 27/08/2010 16:18

OK, I'll try to keep this brief. Smile I married for the first time 23 years ago. I was a vile, spoilt brat and treated my husband appallingly, I lied, I was unfaithful and didn't consider his feelings at all then I left him (luckily for him). He was a very, very nice man and I was an absolute cow.

I am, and have been for many years completely horrified by my own behaviour towards this man, I've never been like with anyone else before or since and when I think about it, it's like it was another person and not me. I'm so incredibly remorseful about the whole situation and I think about it quite a lot and feel that quite honestly, I really deserve to feel as shit as I do about it, not in a 'I'm such a martyr' way, just that if you behave so badly you should feel crap about it.

Anyway here's my problem, my closest friend of 30 years has found my ex on the dreaded FB though a friend of a friend. She knows how I feel about the whole situation and is pressuring me into contacting him to apologise for my previous behaviour because I 'owe him an apology'. I honestly think this would be a terrible thing to do. He is now married with children and I think although it might make me feel better I think it would be horrible for him to be even contacted by me. We've been apart for over 20 years, he's happy in a relationship, I'm happy with my DH and I just think it would be incredibly stupid and a pretty selfish thing to do. I'm quite shocked by how insistent my friend is being, for a start, it's really none of her business and I don't know why it matters to her anyway. I told her today that it wasn't going to happen under any circumstances so we've had quite an argument about it and I don't really get why she keeps going on about it or why she can't see that it would be a ridiculous thing to do. I really don't want us to fall out but at the same time I'm not about to go dragging up old wounds for someone just because she wants me to.

Sorry this is so long and rambly and my punctuation is crap. I'm steeling myself a bit for this but I would honestly appreciate your opinions on how to keep my friendship with her.

OP posts:
FallingWithStyle · 27/08/2010 19:59

Animation - I read the problem as being that the friend just wont give up on pushing the issue, OP is confident she has made the right decision but the friend is overstepping the mark.
Also possibly megatron posted as, although she has thought it all through and decided it's best to not contact the ex, the friends persistence on this subject has left her looking for some reassurance that her decision is the right one.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2010 19:59

It's far more selfish to try contacting the man with an apology out of the blue. Get yourself a bargepole and use it to poke the 'friend' with until she shuts up.

Really, sit her down and tell her there will be absolutely no further discussion of the matter.

cornsillky · 27/08/2010 20:01

she is interfering and no good can come of it

Animation · 27/08/2010 20:14

Why is the friend going on about it so much?

Is it because Megatron talks a lot about her guilt?

If that's the case the friend is looking at a solution to Megatron's torment.

Animation · 27/08/2010 20:30

Maybe the friend is sick of listening to Megatron going round and round in circles agonising about how she let the ex down. It's like, well go apologise then... do something.

So Megatron needs to shut up about him.

LittleSilver · 27/08/2010 20:34

Goodness me, what a nosy friend!

SirBoobAlot · 27/08/2010 20:39

Tell her to back off - its none of her business.

TBH, if he wanted an apology from you, he'd have contacted you. If he is happy, and you are happy, you would be adding unnecessary complications and mess to what are presently happy lives.

FallingWithStyle · 27/08/2010 20:45

Animation - Are you the friend? Shock

You seem to be aware of things that none of us could possibly know from this thread!

Animation · 27/08/2010 20:59

FallingWithStyle - No Smile.

But I think I could be getting nearer the truth of the matter. Megatron says it's on her mind a lot how she treat her ex - and I assume that she talks a lot about it too - to her friend.

Diamondback · 27/08/2010 23:28

Megatron, you say "I honestly think this would be a terrible thing to do. He is now married with children and I think although it might make me feel better I think it would be horrible for him to be even contacted by me. We've been apart for over 20 years, he's happy in a relationship, I'm happy with my DH and I just think it would be incredibly stupid and a pretty selfish thing to do. I'm quite shocked by how insistent my friend is being, for a start, it's really none of her business and I don't know why it matters to her anyway."

So just say to your friend what you've said here, firmly, and then tell her it's not up for discussion any further.

Edinburghlass · 27/08/2010 23:44

My first love broke my heart many years ago. Although I have moved on and am very happily married to a wonderful man, I think I would appreciate knowing that my ex regretted how he treated me. I would take it at face value and appreciate his apology. I certainly wouldn't assume he was trying to come back into my life, and wouldn't want him to anyway. However, you know your relationship better than anyone else and if you don't think you should contact him, then you should ignore your friend's views. Hope this helps.

cheesesarnie · 27/08/2010 23:47

leave it.its history

gtamom · 28/08/2010 05:06

If my ex contacted me to say he was sorry for all he put me through, I would accept his apology. It would make me feel he finally got his head together, and I'd be happy for his family. I would suspect he has joined AA or NA and was making apologies to everyone he hurt. Then I'd block him so he could never contact me again.
Step 9
"Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"

Original poster
Megatron · 28/08/2010 10:58

Thanks for all your responses I really do appreciate your opinions. Just to answer Animation, I really don't go on about him a lot, I deeply regret my past behaviour but i think I've kept things in perspective in that it was a hell of a long time ago in my previous life and that's why I don't want to rake things up for my ex or selfishly perhaps, cause trouble for me.

My friend was around (vaguely) when he and I were together and yes she does know how I feel about it but only after one of those drunken nights many years ago when we talked and talked about all the crap things we'd done! Blush It doesn't crop up every time we talk.

I'm sure we'll sort this out, she won't suddenly want to end our friendship over something like this and I certainly don't. I suppose I was just looking for reassurance that I was doing the right thing, and how to smooth things over a bit with my friend even though I still don't understand why it bothers her so much that I'm passing up an 'opportunity to make amends'.

OP posts:
Raejj · 28/08/2010 11:01

Yanbu. What does it have to do with your 'friend'? Follow your instincts, which in this case are saying stay away.

gtamom · 28/08/2010 14:59

Yes, if your instincts are saying it isn't right, listen. You knew the man better than she did, you were married to him, and you and don't think it would help.

Your friend needs to find some other "cause" to help!

Besom · 28/08/2010 15:10

I was once apologised to by an ex for past behaviour.

I just thought 'whatever' and felt a bit patronised by it. It made me feel uncomfortable because it wasn't about my feelings, it was all about him.

So, you're right to leave him alone and tell your friend to stop meddling.

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