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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate people who let children makes ALL of the decisions?

43 replies

MuckyDucky · 27/08/2010 13:03

ffs decision making is part of the job of the adult who is responsible for the child.

Is this a standard english parenting approach or just the approach of a few?

OP posts:
PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/08/2010 13:04

example?

squigglywig · 27/08/2010 13:05

What do you mean? Do you mean whether to go the park or the beach? Parents of what age kids?

Megatron · 27/08/2010 13:05

Personally I don't know anyone who does that. Why would you think that was a 'standard english approach'?

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 13:06

yes need to know more - surely not all the decisions.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 27/08/2010 13:07

I don't hate people who do it, I just don't understand them.

I agree that adults should make the decisions mostly, but sometimes it's nice to 'let' a child pick one of two options (that you're happy with) - but it depends what the decision is, I suppose. If it's what's for tea that's fine, if it's which school do you want to go to, or about moving house - then it's not a decision they are equipped to make.

foreverastudent · 27/08/2010 13:07

I've seen it with quite a few parents unfortunately.

Some of it comes from guilt about not spending as much time with their DCs as they'd like, some are just pushovers by nature, who cant say no to anyone.

compo · 27/08/2010 13:08

My mum couldn't understand it when I asked my kids what kind of decoration they'd like in their rooms
she just did whatever she wanted
so no character Walls or duvets
sad really

sanielle · 27/08/2010 13:09

I wish my parents had let me make all the important household decisions. I was a helluva a lot more sensible than either of them!

Original poster
MuckyDucky · 27/08/2010 13:09

5yo
all decision in day from activities to food to be eaten for the family. literally everything and if the child doesnt want to do it. It isnt done.

attitude is that he is too young to be diciplined

Angry
OP posts:
TheUnmentioned · 27/08/2010 13:11

Well imo its not fair to the the child to put so much responsibility on them BUT asking them what activity they want to do is fine, asking what they want to eat is fine. Not every day but how do you know this happens ALL the time? He isnt too young to be 'disciplined' of course but for example what doesnt he want to do?

Original poster
MuckyDucky · 27/08/2010 13:18

Actually i do know that this has happened everyday for the last 2 weeks because he has been visiting his dad's family who dont believe in disciplining him or making him do anything he doesnt want to. It was how they tried to insist I parent before his dad became ex. Oh and they love to tell me off for telling him off.

Plus so far I have been punched in the face for asking him to turn down the computer, a plate broken for asking him to take it into the kitchen and generally him trying to take control of life. I wont stand for this and expect him to respect the decisions of an adult. he has had 2 weeks out of practice and for a child who is OCD this is enough to trigger a major falling out between me and him when I wont stand for it.

I am pissed off with his dad's family for the situation, and dealing with the consequences. So instead of having fun with him for the few days of holiday I have with him, I will be reigning in the behaviour. SadAngry

OP posts:
pluperfect · 27/08/2010 15:34

Has anyone read "Born to Buy"? It's a very scary book written by a sociologist, Juliet Schor, who had her own child a few years ago, and started realising the sophistication of advertising directed at children... some of it not even for "childish" things, on the basis that "pester power" could be expanded to include some really big-ticket items (car, holiday, debt consolidation loan...)

Granted, the setting is the US, where there is NO ad-free television like our blessed CBeebies/CBBC, and the corporate sector has infiltrated public life to a greater extent, but this trojan horse marketing to parents through their children really disturbed me. Especially combined with chapters on increased anxiety in children, brought about by demolition of social and financial boundaries on children. It's too much responsibility for a child, and a child's world is so much cosier with boundaries! The whole thing really bothered me.

BTW, I am not Juliet Schor, and don't have a relatinship with the publisher, either!

TheButterflyEffect · 27/08/2010 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 27/08/2010 15:38

I am a great believer in teaching children to make their own, informed, decisions early in life.

That does not extend to having them dictate the family menu or family holiday, however!

MadAboutQuavers · 27/08/2010 16:11

As this is a fairly generalized title

My general response is YANBU; I agree totally.

sarah293 · 27/08/2010 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mowiol · 27/08/2010 16:17

MuckyDucky - send him for a prolonged visit when he is a teenager. That'll teach them.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 27/08/2010 16:25

Your son has OCD? If people aren't used to it they can find it really hard to say no to an OCD request as the child is so obviously upset by it. Of course it is actually more important to set very firm boundaries (for the child's sake) although it's still hard.

If I've understood about the OCD correctly is it possible to give them further information so they respond more appropriately.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 27/08/2010 16:29

Excellent plan, Mowiol Grin

DinahRod · 27/08/2010 16:30

I have friends who were quite rational pre children but their 8 and 4 year old are now always the frame of reference. E.g. suggestion of going to a pub/restaurant that serves a range of food, "Oh I don't know if Gideon will like that, he's more a Pizza Hut kind of person" ... meaning lets all go to Pizza Hut. It's a sort of appeasement and passive aggression all rolled into one.

The children aren't particularly brattish surprisingly, although the older one will just matter-of-factly "I don't want to" and mostly they don't!

LackingInspiration · 27/08/2010 16:36

YABVU

You would not be being unreasonable in hating people who don't teach their children how to behave in our culture. But that is different from parents who think it's only moral to let children have control over their own lives but ensure that they know what is right and what is wrong.

I let my children make decisions that affect them - I don't think I should use my power as an adult to control them. But that doesn't mean I would ever let them behave like your DS is...they just wouldn't do it. Just as I take them seriously, I teach them that they need to take me seriously too.

So hating everyone who takes this approach is simply wrong - hating people who take a flawed version of this approach is slightly more acceptable.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 27/08/2010 16:38

The thing is, dcs who make all the decisions miss out.

It happens often in life (imo) that you go along to something that wouldn't have been your first (or even third, fourth or fifth) choice, only to have an absolute blast. Or that you feel obliged to eat something out of politeness, only to discover that you love it.

Original poster
MuckyDucky · 27/08/2010 17:09

and get into trouble at school for not being able to follow instructions.

Are rude and interrupt conversation because they dont understand the social rules that should be taught but arent when the world is made to revolve around them...

OP posts:
didgeridoo · 27/08/2010 17:17

I know a family who do this (in theory). In practice it's more like the dc's can make all the decisions as long as their the same ones the adults would have made anyway. I think it's often a cop out to get the adults off the hook in tricky situations. The dc's we know who are allowed to do this made a few decisions that affected us as a family as well, which we weren't happy with. We ditched them as friends in the end because we didn't see why WE had to go along with THEIR kids choices.ShockAngry

LJS666 · 27/08/2010 17:49

I think it's OK in controlled choices - ie you want them to eat a piece of fruit and ask if they want an apple or an orange.

Basically, when you don't give a monkeys which way the decision goes.

But - on the other hand if you say to the kids "We're going to the zoo" and they genuinely hate going to the zoo there's no point.

Common sense and a bit of leeway but a big NO and "I'm in charge" to anything important. I think it's too stressful for kids to be in charge of anything important and blurs boundaries.