to hate people who let children makes ALL of the decisions?

[MuckyDucky]

ffs decision making is part of the job of the adult who is responsible for the child.

Is this a standard english parenting approach or just the approach of a few?

I'm intrigued, digeridoo, what on earth did these children "do to" you and your family? Go on, it sounds as though you want to vent!

It wasn't so much the children, pluperfect, it was what the parents allowed them to do that bothered me. It's a very long story & I'm not sure I could be bothered to type it all out! It would probably bore everyone to tears!

The thing I hated most about being a child was that my opinion or wants counted for nothing.

I let my DS 9 make decisions for himself wherever it is possible. There is usually a range of choices all of which are acceptable to me. Sometimes I will need to say I understand why you would want that but no because:

When we have agreed on something he will always do what was agreed without question.

Becoming an adult means making the right decisions for your self, you need to learn the art of weighing up your options and thinking about all the consequences of those decisions.

I think saying I am an adult and I am in charge or because I said so, is completely wrong.

I can sympathise didgeridoo. We have encountered a very similar family who allowed their dd1 to rule the roost from a very early age. It made family get togethers strained as their dd always got to choose what happened,even down to who could go to the toilet in their house. One example, their dd had misbehaved at school. The mum had been hauled in. That evening mum tried to tell dad what dd had done. Dad stopped her mid sentence to ask if she should be telling him the story without daughters permission?? WTF. Out on a family walk once their dd (3) took off her socks and eventually got blisters from her shoes. Dad refused to make her put socks back on to make her more comfortable bacause it was against her will. Another occasion allowing dd2 (2) to decide whether or not to have calpol when clearly ill. Sometimes children are just too young to make decisions that actually affect their welfare never mind whats for tea but are allowed total free choice. They are older now and guess what? Their parents have been in tears over their brattish and totally selfish behaviour many times.

I don't think that you can make a blanket statement. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open and always listen to each other.

"and get into trouble at school for not being able to follow instructions.

Are rude and interrupt conversation because they dont understand the social rules that should be taught but arent when the world is made to revolve around them..."

This doesn't happen when you let children make decisions, it happens when you don't teach them about normal behaviour in our society.

My children don't behave like this. They are home educated, but they manage perfectly well in their dance lessons and badger sessions and swimming lessons. They are polite and their maturity and manners are often commented on.

I don't do it right now because DD is 2 and we'd end up living in our friend's apartment, buying candy and going to the swings instead of ever going to bed.

I do let her choose from a range of options in terms of what she wants to wear, eat, do etc.

I wouldn't let her have unreasonable influence over someone else's life (wouldn't make other people go to Pizza Hut), but when it's just me and her I think it's okay for her to sometimes get her choice and for me to sometimes get mine.

As she gets older I guess I'll give her more choices in a less restricted arena. Maybe [nervous control freak emoticon]

But by no means will it be all the decisions, or not until she lives in her own home anyway. My child or not, that's just not how you share space and life with another person (imho).

That said. In your circumstances OP, YANBU. Sounds like you do the majority of the child care, so why should other people come in and screw with the boundaries? I would have thought a child with OCD needed consistency more than anything else? (I am guessing).

Oh yes, YANBU.

A mate of mine parents like this.

Lovely woman, but her 7 year old sleeps in her bed (when she sleeps at all); does not dress or leave the house during school holidays without a choice of enticing activities; chooses restaurants & sets the itinerary for all outings; gives/withholds permission for her mother to go out in the evening; decides whether to accompany her parents on holiday or whether to stay with grandparents...

Actually, she's a nice enough kid, kind, bright & helpful, but her parents seem to regard her as a kind of fearsome deity to be continually propitiated with offerings.

the 'choice' hing can cut both ways though..my Mum used to use it thus -

'I am going to have to cancel Sky subscription - do you think we could avoid it?'
Us (suckers that we were) 'Oh no Mummy, why don't we get less pocket money and carry on having Sky - please?'
Mum 'Excellent idea, lets do as you have decided.'

later....

us 'Mum we don't get enough pocket money!'
Mum - 'well that was your choice'...

so there you go. On the other hand, we had bugger all choice in much else, partly because one of the things you need for choice is money, and the other is because you can't work all the different choices made by 4 kids...

in general i think the OP has a point - if you place kids in control too much, it puts too much responsibility on young shoulders. But it really depends how its done.

DD gets a choice of which sweet and which story - ie things that don't really matter to me.

I believe in giving reasonable choices that I'm happy either way about. For instance, a small child may choose from two equally suitable pants and sweaters to wear on a cold day, and choose from two equally ok colours for their room. The amount of choice can be increased as they grow older, and unsuitable choices must be lived with.

I used to live near a child whose parents were afraid of confrontation, and the result was a child who behaved herself quite well, apart from issues of rudeness, in my home (I am not afraid of confrontation) but who was hell on earth for her parents and her younger sibling when one was born. They are experimenting with alternative schools and diet now to control her behaviour problems...

I think children need boundaries, maybe moreso a child with OCD. Could it be that the ILs here are not knowledgeable enough about OCD to manage the DC when he's visiting, so they choose the path of least resistance, thinking there will be some sort of explosive tantrum if they try to take charge? How did they raise your exH?

Where possible we make decisions en masse.
Obviously, there are times when I have to have the final say, but where I can take all votews into account, I will.

I think it's a balance. I was not allowed to make many decisions as a child (or even a teenager) and I don't think it benefitted me. However, I do see OP's point when v young DC apparently rule the roost. IMO you should gradually hand over increasing power to make decisions (while obv making any key decisions yourself). That way you let your children develop into competent young adults.

"and get into trouble at school for not being able to follow instructions.

Are rude and interrupt conversation because they dont understand the social rules that should be taught but arent when the world is made to revolve around them..."

My DS is like this even tho I DO NOT let him interupt, do expect him to wait, and do not let him rule the roost. I will let him make decisions about things that effect him but its a choice not free range

I think its all about balance personally.

I can see why your pissed off op my ds going to stay with gp's my sis and bro for 4 days over BH so this will be my rant next week

I was asked which secondary school I'd prefer to attend, and also whether I'd be happy if my family upped sticks and moved 160 miles from where I was born. I had a choice in whether I had immunisations (although my mum is a nurse and did explain VERY clearly that although I dislike needles, it's sort of important, this was only when I was 11 or so, not 5 btw!). But I was older, so did understand more. I signed the consent form for my eye surgery at 14 (mum had to sign too to make it legal).

I think things like this are OK depending on the child, but not as young as 5, no.

I think there is a difference between letting the child making all the decisions and teaching them how to make decisions.

The later creates a rounded child. the former tends to be the product of the parents treating the child as a thing to be spoilt and feared and indulged. It is this that I am against. The not learning maners or boundaries. I am sure that those who take a child led approach still instill maners and boundaries. Imo a child led approach is different to letting the child make all the decisions.

To be fair, ds makes more decisions then some and fewer then others. We run to s strict timetable of my construction but if he wants a pj day and chilling this is included when appropriate. Its what suits his needs. But then again I am for teaching life skills. I have a 5yo who makes a fabulous cup of coffee safely and who is learning to iron under supervision with an old iron that doesnt heat up well and it resigned to delicate crafting projects. Most 5yo are allowed to learn things like this.

i think you need to balance power or rights ( to make decisions) and responsibility ( for living or dealing with the consequences of the decision)

so a 6yo might NOT be allowed to decide whether or not to brush his teeth, because he is too young to understand the consequences of that decision( rotten teeth when he is 14).

he might not be allowed to choose a restaurant to dine is as he has not earned the money to pay the bill

he might NOT be allowed to leave food on his bedroom floor, as that will encourage mice which affects the rest of the family and parenst will have to deal with

but he might be allowed to leave fragile toys on his floor, as long as he deals with teh upset of them getting broken

and he might be allowed to decide not to do his homework - as long as he gets the fall out and not the parents

It's a tricky balance. DD (8) is in no doubt about who is in charge in our house, but I see no problem with giving her options or making minor decisions. As she gets older we've been able to talk about actions/consequences - linked in with examples in other posts above (food on the floor etc).