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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in being fed up that I'm the one in the house who has to do the organising/ the planning/the bloody THINKING

72 replies

ssd · 27/08/2010 09:48

I just want dh to think beyond what he does/wants/needs/is interested in

he's a good man and a good dh, but I work too and I'm tired of being the only one who knows when we're out of milk/bread/washing power/ kids needs socks/bins need put out I could go on and on

I'm fed up with it all, also I have an old mum I have to run after and I'm fed up with it all

OP posts:

BubbaAndBump · 28/08/2010 21:18

I have this kind of conversation with my DH all the time, so I feel your pain! I sometimes think I might just leave things, and see what happens, but, being the control freak that I clearly am, I start to do what is needed before he's even aware of where we're going/what we're doing. Grrrrr

Why are some of our DHs like this?

TheLimeFairy · 28/08/2010 21:21

This is the same in our house.

DH says that if I just ask he will do whatever needs doing (which is great) but I get fed up with being the one to have to think about what's for tea, putting washing on etc etc.

We had a few words about it the other week and DH said I was being unreasonable expecting him to know what needs doing in the house as it's the equivilent to expecting me to go to his job and know what needs doing! Errrrmmmmmmm no, you live here too!! Plus I work p/t too!!!

DinahRod · 28/08/2010 21:22

Why do plates make it as far as worktop but not inside the dishwasher and clothes get dumped by the wash-basket, not in it?
Also he leaves bits of paper around the place so apparently I'm always throwing away the vital info - although have resolved the latter by buying him a paper shredder (it's a gadget and makes noise so he likes it) and he has until bin day to sort it otherwise it's goodbye.

BubbaAndBump · 28/08/2010 21:27

Ooh, I'd love a shredder DinahRod :o

TheLimeFairy I'd be very at the "equivilent to expecting me to go to his job and know what needs doing!". Oooh, makes my blood boil on your behalf!

Original poster

ssd · 28/08/2010 23:12

you know what really gets me?

I always open the windows in the morning just a little bit to let in some fresh air. Then in the winter I close them when I go upstairs about 4 ish when the heating comes on. But on the occasions dh goes upstairs at tea time I say close the windows, ALL OF THEM. (We live in a 2 bed house, I'm not talking Buck house). Anyway, invariably I'll go upstairs to get the kids rooms ready for bed and there will be windows open and rooms freezing. The other windows will be closed (nothing specific, just say the loo window closed as he's been in there). When I ask him why he didn't close all the windows (we have a total of 4 windows upstairs) he'll say OH I DIDN'T OPEN THEM. And?????? I say but you're not the only person who lives here, I open them everyday......he looks at me and shrugs and I want to put him through one of the bloody windows.

OP posts:

PollyPoo · 29/08/2010 00:30

I do sympathise ssd. TG (sorry, I refuse to refer to him as DH... he is The Giant) is the laziest fecker I have ever met and he is getting worse. I am mostly a SAHM so do the bulk of the housework and that is fine, but I really do object to having to pick up after him as if he is a child!

I work 3 evenings a week after taking care of our 3yr old DD all day, and I'm 5 months pregnant with No2. If I ask him to help with jobs he moans that he has been rushed off his feet all day and could do without a rest. So I'm sat on my arse all day am I?! If he takes care of DD for the day or even long enough for me to have a lie-in, I have a fucking mountain of clearing up to do after, as he does not understand that being at home is about more than playing lego.

He takes the bins out. That is the best I can say... He may on occasion fetch the washing in, but then again I may arrive back from my evening job to find it still on the line at 11pm. He will pop into the utility room to fetch something and call out to tell me the washing machine has finished. He used to do washing if he noticed the bin was getting full, but no more.

I have tried the 'strategic withdrawal of services' but he just either does not notice or does not care. I have left his towels on the rail until they stink and the sheets on the bed until I can no longer stand to sleep in them - he does not notice. He will cram more and more rubbish on top of/next to the bin instead of just emptying it. He leaves plates/cups etc wherever he happened to be when he finished eating. We have a dishwasher - what is wrong with putting stuff in it? He says he never knows whether it is empty/full/dirty/clean... lost the use of his eyes? He is incapable of making a sandwich or toast without covering a 6 ft length of worktop in crumbs. He will occasionally wipe the surfaces but he doesn't move things out of the way, just cleans the middle bit. He cannot make coffee without spilling it all over the worktop. He does not notice dust/dirt/anything except his bloody hobbies as he is colourblind. Oh yes. Apparently he doesn't know how to clean a bathroom. He doesn't even cook any more, unless I go on strike and insist I am not hungry/ate earlier and even then he does it under duress, moans like you would not believe and leaves the mess for me to clear up. I have tried leaving his kitchen mess, just to see how long it would take for him to start clearing up after himself. You know what happened? We got mice! And you can guess who had to sort that little problem out....

GAHHHHHHH. Oh and one last thing... he gets up at stupid o'clock every morning so he can write his book before work. He has his schedule down to a fine art - he can be up, showered, shaved, sandwiches made in about 40 mins. Which leaves mucho time for writing and zero for emptying dishwasher (which I run over night), or putting washing out (also done over night), or even letting the poor dog out for a wee. Oh yes and and and (this is the last thing, honest)... If the dog has an accident during the night he will wake me up at 6am to tell me there is wee/poo on the floor, and then step over it to go do his writing. And he thinks he such a new-age man, in touch with his emottions etc, so how did we become a 50's-style couple?!

I think I may be a little hormonal, sorry about the rant. He is driving me NUTS!

Maybe I should email him a link to this thread?

ThatDamnDog · 29/08/2010 08:03

PollyPoo - If I were in your shoes I would be drawing some lines. Battle lines

Possibly starting with only washing or cleaning or tidying specific items used by you or the DC, and I would (and I'm serious here) invest in paper plates and plastic cutlery for you to use - just make sure you hide it from him. Then you can bin it afterwards and when he runs out of crockery you can continue to feed and water your children while he searches for the dishwasher instruction booklet

I would be kicking arse at that though, really I would.

Chesterado · 29/08/2010 10:04

My dh is also totally incapable of noticing mess or thinking ahead but we have made some small progress through giving him choices ie clean the bathroom or go to the supermarket. Whay really infuriates me howevee is that when he finally accomplishes one of these major challenges he expects a bloody medal and will spend HOURS telling me how well he cleaned said bathroom - inference being i don't do it properly or how many bargains he got in the supermarket - inference being i just squander cash and don't do it properly. The fact i do both chores in a fraction of the time and ten times more frequently is lost on him....

PollyPoo · 30/08/2010 11:17

I do like the idea of plastic plates and cups ThatDamnDog. In fact, I think I have some left from DD's birthday party.

I know I need to to have it out with him but have been putting it off... will only get worse as I get more heavily pregnant and then when baby arrives so better to address now.

Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2010 11:40

Sorry, I can't be bothered to read the whole thread but we have a white board and we both write up tasks for each other and ourselves. We came up with this system because I felt he was putting me in a position of a nag. It works well for us.

I tend to write down more for DH than he does for me because he doesn't see things in the same way I do. But since we have been doing this, he is noticing more and more and I am writing down less and less.

I also find dumping things (such as toys that need repairing or clothes that need putting away) in front of his computer means they get dealt with

BubbaAndBump · 30/08/2010 18:56

Ooh, I've thought of the whiteboard thing a number of times otherside - we are def. at the "me nag, he grump" stage, which is depressing for both of us. May well invest soon... (btw, what kinds of things does your DH write for you to do? I'd be surprised if my DH came up with anything, not because I'm a saint and do it all anyway, but more because I don't think he'd notice before me!)

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/08/2010 19:00

Don't do it, let things go to hell, then they will learn when they are inconvenienced. I have the same philosophy re the DC's bedrooms.

WhatTheWhat · 30/08/2010 19:04

My DH had a bit of a reality check when I had a day ill (we have a 6-month bab and I am on maternity).
He still went off to work, mind, as my sister could help out with the babby whilst I was ill, ill, ill. She didn't do all the picking up that I do though and he came home to absolute havoc.
He'd previously got a bit snitty because things were on top of the dishwasher, not in it, but now he's grateful for the lack of havoc.
But then, he is a bit of a freak with the kitchen spray and I sometimes have to call him off from wiping to come and watch telly, so can't complain.

Anyhoo.... maybe stage a sickie????

bottyburpthebarbarian · 30/08/2010 19:24

I am going to put a sign on DD1s door

"Abandon hope all ye who enter here"

I just ignore ignore ignore

nagoo · 30/08/2010 19:36

another vote for the simple choice method...

also if it gets really bad, don't do anything unless they are watching. Sit on your arse watching telly and then when they get home start doing lots of stuff that gts in the way.

Then suggest the next job on your list is X and could they possibly help you to do it so that you might be able to get a sit down at some point. (as they will be infront of computer/ telly at this point it is really hard for them to say no without looking like a totally unreasonable arse)..

works for me....

trixie123 · 30/08/2010 20:12

given the general similarity of most the replies, I won't add mine (which would echo most of the sentiments here), but it would suggest that perhaps it is a Venus and Mars thing? Just something that is in-built that we put up with for whatever reason? Infuriating without a doubt but presumably the male equivalent would focus on shoe shopping, shopping in general, hours spent getting ready and complaining about being fat, and shopping (oh, and mumsnetting when we should be doing other things)

Trubert · 30/08/2010 20:27

I am in the same position as all of you.

I have been with DH for 14 years and very slowly things are getting better. He is responding to training. But I bitterly resent the effort and energy I have had to put in to effect any change.

We must all make sure we bring up our own sons to be better than this.

Eaglebird · 30/08/2010 20:44

My DP can't grasp the concept of the shopping list.
For years I've asked 'if you use the last Weetabix / biscuit / whatever, please write it on the shopping list.
Every week, before I go shopping, I ask 'is there anything you want from the shops?', in case he's forgotten to add something to the list.
Every week, without fail, he says 'no'.
Every week, without fail, after I've been shopping, DP will ask 'did you buy some ?'.

Cue Eaglebird's shopping mantra - IF IT'S NOT ON THE LIST, IT'S STILL IN THE SHOP.

... and breathe...

CrispyTheCrisp · 30/08/2010 20:45

I think things seem to change once DC's come along. When we were both working and no DC's, chores were (pretty much) shared. Then maternity leave 'holiday' comes along and the woman gradually picks more and more stuff up, including ALL the stuff to do with the DC's.
Then the women go back to work and men retain the expectation that this will continue. Not sure what to do about it really. Wish i did

Trubert, my DH was brought up extremely well to cook, iron etc. However he is a messy bugger and therefore has an ability to ignore all mess. Oh, and if he runs out of clothes he will go and buy new work shirts and underwear from Tesco

BubbaAndBump · 30/08/2010 21:19

I'll join you breathing eagle ! Aaarghhhhhhhh

Othersideofthechannel · 31/08/2010 06:45

Bubba mostly he writes up shopping to buy (I work near the shops) or tidy up my clutter which I have dumped in little visited corner (usually to hide it from visitors, but then I forget about it)

But I definitely write up more for him because most of the time the stuff I do gets done before anyone notices it hasn't been done.

hollyoaks · 31/08/2010 07:28

YANBU

Apart from the housework it's the family organisation, birthdays, medical & dental appointments, events, when dc have had medicine, MOT's, knowing when they need new clothes/shoes/carseat/toothbrush, organising christenings/parties etc... and my biggest bugbear is sorting our childcare when I go back to work. It changes on a weekly basis but for some reason I have to sort out where they are going and then tell him he needs to pick them up.

Arghhhhh!

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