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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in being fed up that I'm the one in the house who has to do the organising/ the planning/the bloody THINKING

72 replies

ssd · 27/08/2010 09:48

I just want dh to think beyond what he does/wants/needs/is interested in

he's a good man and a good dh, but I work too and I'm tired of being the only one who knows when we're out of milk/bread/washing power/ kids needs socks/bins need put out I could go on and on

I'm fed up with it all, also I have an old mum I have to run after and I'm fed up with it all

OP posts:
Minxie1977 · 27/08/2010 09:50

YANBU to be fed up - good luck tackling it Smile

mistletoekisses · 27/08/2010 09:52

OP - YANBU. Talk to him and ask him which chores he would like to be responsible for. Then hand them over to him. And don't hover/ interfere...leave them with him.

Hassled · 27/08/2010 09:52

YANBU. I had a bit of a temper tantrum last night re my role as UN Peacekeeper in the house - I'm bloody fed up of it. I've had 21 years of DS1 and DD arguing.

CUNextTuesday · 27/08/2010 09:53

Yes good luck. Many (not all) men's brains are single-tracked. They don't 'see' jobs in the same way, in my experience. My DP 'sees' mess once a fortnight and stomps round in a blue tizz till someone makes a start on tidying up. It is mostly my mess to be fair.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 27/08/2010 09:55

YANBU - I did the solely responsible for thing with DH - the only thing he'd take on was bins, and I still have to remind him when bin day is.

On the other hand he has got better over the last few years, thank gods.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 27/08/2010 09:57

Oh, and he now knows better than to ask me to pick which way to go to avoid traffic when driving... There may have been a couple of tirades about being the only person driving our lives and I just want a bloody break ok...

MamaVoo · 27/08/2010 10:27

YANBU. A particular favourite of mine is going on holiday when I rush around like a blue arsed fly getting everything for myself and DS (which is a lot of stuff)organised, packed and loaded into the car, while DH gets up at the time I was planning to set off, has a leisurely shower and throws a few tshirts, socks and pants into a bag. And he wonders why I'm pissed off Shock

bytheMoonlight · 27/08/2010 10:36

YANBU.

Dh has the same single track mind, drives me insane.

elportodelgato · 27/08/2010 10:37

OMG are you me? I had this exact conversation with DH this morning along the lines of 'why is it that I am the only on who sees the dirty laundry, the dishwasher that need unloading, the beds that need changing just the STUFF that needs doing round the house all the damn time?!'

He says 'but if you tell me what to do then I'll do it' which I know is good (in that he is willing to help) but why am I the one with the overview who has to draw up lists of jobs and delegate them? why can he not see when stuff needs to get done? eg: this morning I got up, showered, dressed for work, did my make up, put on laundry, loaded and started dishwasher, set out all the breakfast stuff for everyone (we have my DP staying), got DD up, got her changed and dressed and set out for the office having not had time for a cup of tea or any breakfast (thank God for Costa at the station). In that time, DH had had a lovely lie in, got up (after some cajoling), thrown on his cycling gear and gone downstairs to have a cup of tea and some cereal Hmm

Apparently I should 'relax' but tbh if I do relax then NOTHING BLOODY GETS DONE and the damn laundry etc will still be there waiting for me when I get home. GRRRRRR!

stressheaderic · 27/08/2010 10:39

MamaVoo - having that exact issue today. Going to Majorca tonight - DP has gone to work, I am collecting him at 5 then straight on to the airport. I have washed, ironed, packed and done every bloody thing for me, him and 6mo DD.
All he had to remember was to take a change of clothing into work, and his bank card. Guess what? He's forgotten both. Arrrgghhhhhhhhhhh.

I sometimes find that giving him a limited choice works - (a tactic I use with my primary pupils, ha). We come in from work, both tired, but chores to do, dinner to make, DD to see to. So, I say "ok, do you want to start the dinner or sort DD out?"...implying - you're not getting away with putting your feet up in front of the cricket this time, matey. It kind of works. ..

CrunchyFrog · 27/08/2010 10:42

I had this exact issue, and it is the reason I am single now. Believe it or not, single parent of 3 is about a million per cent easier than married, FT working mother of 3 plus apparently mother of husband.

He is still a supportive father as an ex, so that does help. I get the good parts without the simmering resentment. Grin

atswimtwolengths · 27/08/2010 10:48

I agree with CrunchyFrog - being a single parent is so much easier than being a working married mum.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 27/08/2010 10:50

CrunchyFrog - Are you me??

Well, except I have 4, but I totally agree.

dejavuaswell · 27/08/2010 10:51

Too right. The cane we sometimes use for bedtime fun split last night and it will me going to the Garden centre for a replacement.
He would only come back with a thicker or heavier or rougher one "just as an experiment".Wink

30andMerkin · 27/08/2010 10:58

ok deja, you win. can't post any mundanities after that now can we? Wink

JannerBird · 27/08/2010 11:48

Grin at deja

sapphireblue · 27/08/2010 12:04

pretend you are in a flat share.........do a rota and divide up jobs. That's what I've done and it works so far! I've given myself the lions share because I'm a sahm, but DH has jobs such as taking the rubbish out on bin day and cleaning the kitchen at the weekend. Last weekend he changed the sheets on our bed for the first time in ten years!

beckie222 · 27/08/2010 12:09

This all sounds so familiar. My DH will do his share around the house but he HAS to be told what needs done, he just can't see the dishes sitting on the sink or the dirty laundry pile in the bathroom.
I have a really sore back at the minute and he is doing more than me but I still have to point each thing out to him and sometimes the grumping sounds he makes are hard to listen to.
Don't even get me started on bin day, I have to remind him at last 3 times in the morning to ring the bin up and then he'll drive past it about 5 times before remembering to bring it back down again, makes my blood boil every week Angry

ln1981 · 27/08/2010 12:16

YANBU!
I have this argument very regularly with dp! novicemama-dp says the same to me about asking for his help, but everything that needs done is always quite obvious! atm i dont work so i dont expect him to do everything but just the odd thing would help.
my main grumble is in the morning, even though he has to be out the door just before us, he still gets up later than me, and expects me to get myself and 3 dcs ready-if he would even just get their breakfast ready,my stress levels would come right down!
i am even put off, having a half day 'off' as anytime that i do, i come back to chaos, with nothing done!! ARGGHH! Angry

greensuedeshoes · 27/08/2010 12:30

I deliberately let us run out of milk this morning so he knows it is not just my responsibility to get it. And the sheets would never get washed if I didn't do it.

blueshoes · 27/08/2010 13:11

Following on from the comment about how it is easier as a single parent, isn't it easier for one person to take overall responsibility and delegate as appropriate.

It does not mean that person has to do everything, just put in place a structure within which things get done. For example, to keep a shopping list of things that need to be purchased and keep adding to it when something runs out. If I need something outside the weekly shop, then I send him an email to get it on way home.

If your partner is not so good with noticing minutiae, then organise some big jobs for him to do eg gardening/garden centre on weekend. Bins can be at least every night before the rubbish is collected.

I find the whole school organisation quite an effort. But I think the person who has more time at home should organise it, or parcel out the jobs eg buying school uni or whose turn to attend parent-teacher meetings etc

The key is routine and a system. Dh and I work ft, me fewer hours. I don't find it too much of an effort to be the 'puppet master', if you give up the 'unfairness' notion of it. You are just managing and co-ordinating, he is the foot soldier.

Meglet · 27/08/2010 13:16

This used to drive me mad about my XP. He did buck his ideas up after we went to Relate and asked me to send reminders to his phone for everything so he wouldn't forget Hmm, and in his defence he would then get it done. But day to day errands and chores were above him so I still had to sort it all out.

At least now I'm on my own I can only blame myself if it doesn't get done (as I sit here on MN about to e-bay stuff when I should be sorting out car breakdown cover and chasing up the gutter repair people).

bytheMoonlight · 27/08/2010 13:20

I don't know if it is easier being a single parent in reality tbh.

But I do know that without dh I would just get on and do everything. As half of a relationship I expect him to take half the responsiblty and this is the part that causes me the most stress. If he wasn't here I would just do it without the stress. Does that make sense?

CrunchyFrog · 27/08/2010 14:07

It is in my reality!

TigerFeet · 27/08/2010 14:16

Not housework so much, dh is pretty good there, although he does have the occasional "this house is a shithole" tirade and stomps about tidying HIS OWN CRAP whilst I snigger behind my hand.

Sorting out the childcare for dd1's school holidays otoh... for fuck's sake, he knows when the holidays are, but despite constant nagging occasional reminders he won't discuss who is taking time off when ("I'll have a look at the holiday calendar and let you know when I can have time off" x 25394432), and forgets that we need to get GP's or other cover sorted so I NEED TO KNOW WHEN HE CAN HAVE TIME OFF, until the last fucking minute and I end up using all my leave to cover holidays while he waits and waits and waits and ends up not being able to get half term off and then has unused leave left at the end of the holiday year, not done on purpose of course, no no no, after all who would want a week of peace at home with NO CHILDREN, being able to do stuff uninterrupted...