in being fed up that I'm the one in the house who has to do the organising/ the planning/the bloody THINKING

[ssd]

I just want dh to think beyond what he does/wants/needs/is interested in

he's a good man and a good dh, but I work too and I'm tired of being the only one who knows when we're out of milk/bread/washing power/ kids needs socks/bins need put out I could go on and on

I'm fed up with it all, also I have an old mum I have to run after and I'm fed up with it all

I don't believe that these men 'just don't see' mess or are incapable of planning and remembering what needs to be done. Often the men who are like this at home are not stupid and are in professional or skilled jobs and manage perfectly well to function properly at work.

The difference is at work they know if they slack off or don't take responsibility it will reflect badly on them they'll probably get fired/disciplined and/or lose the respect of their colleagues. So they make an effort to keep on top of things.

At home they can just not bother because they know wifey will just do everything, and because they see her as 'a wife' and not as a proper fellow human being, they have no empathy or consideration for her feelings or opinions, and don't care if she's exhausted and stressed and unhappy, or sick or pregnant or in pain with a bad back. They also know that if the house is a mess and the family lives on ready meals or takeaways or the children constantly get sent to school without the stuff they're supposed to have - it all reflects much worse on Mummy than it does on them, if anything people will pity the poor man for not having a proper wife who does her duty.

Call it what it is. They're not incapable of noticing and doing this stuff. They're using you as an unpaid domestic servant and have nothing but contempt for you.

Being a single parent takes any expectations away.

When I was married it used to really piss me off that he didn't see the jobs that needed doing, and like a child needed to be asked all the time.

Now when something deosn't get done it's probably because I'm too tired, but I know I can rely on myself to get it done eventually.

Oh TigerFeet, my ex used to be exactly the same. When I worked full time, it was always me who had to use my holiday when my DS was sick. His job was way more important than mine, and couldn't just drop everything if DS sick!!!

My DH was just like some of the men mentioned here. I struggled through three children under three (due to twins), with severe post natal depression, with barely any assistance, trying to run a small home based business, and I always, always, had to ask for every little thing to be done - he would never use his initiative.

Cue - 14 years later and I returned to the work force full time, whilst suffering from anaemia. I was so exhausted I would come home from work and fall down. Literally. And so it began, that I did nothing. DH would ask what was for dinner and I would just say "I dont know." Everyone ran out of clean clothes, the house looked like a bomb had gone off, the garden could not be seen for weeds. Lo and behold - DH's vision was miraculously restored and suddenly he could SEE all those jobs that had to be done! Twas truly a miracle I tell you ;-)

Sounds like a happy ending doesnt it? Well, IT IS NOT! The more he does now, the more I resent the fact that it was ONLY when I returned to the work force and was earning money that he deigned to share the load. Clearly being a mother (an exhausted and depressed one, to boot), entitled me to no equality - it was still expected that all domesticity was my responsibility. I had no worth equal to his then. But I do now that money is involved. This shits me up the wall.

I probably should start an AIBU!

... Is it something genetic?

DH WILL cook and wash up but isn't bothered by other household mess and just does not grasp the knack of planning and anticipating.

Unless I remember stuff it just doesn't happen. I feel like I'm the family 'memory' and it's all down to me.

If I leave DH to it stuff doesn't happen.

If I suggest sitting down with the calendar to plan how we can organise stuff he wants to put it off til later.

If I remind him of stuff he resents it, and god forbid if I give him a list (it would be blissful if this one worked!) as it then seems to be a point of principle with him NOT to do what he's been 'told' to.

and yet he CAN plan and remember to get himself sorted for a monthly race meeting!

Aaargh!

Any suggestions??????

I'm slowly training DP to take more responsibility and initiative for family life. But it is a long and arduous road. Or maybe I'm a really crap teacher .

What's working for you Bonsoir?

Men are just fucking useless.

Well, my exH was and my current partner is...

Taking charge of DD's life and ensuring that everything is sorted ages in advance and totally in control - that shows up the lack of foresight in the DSSs' life! (though I only dare do this with non-critical issues - I won't take big risks with the DSSs' lives) and gets him going (he hates being showed up).

Being uber-tidy and organised - ditto.

He's uber-competitive at heart and cannot bear me being better at things than him!

I've got boys and I'm trying to teach them to be responsible and notice things but ds1 looks at me like I'm talking Swahili

maybe they need a bloody book

God I totally feel for you.
I work 2 jobs (my choice savings reasons) have three children and a DH.
Unfortunately he earns far more than I ever could and spends ages out of the country.
Whenever he is home he forgets everything - we call him the goldfish brain, how he ever manages to hold down his job I never know. He has no idea of any of the following - childrens teachers or even school dates, bin days, my work, washing, what the shiny silver thing in the kitchen is for (sometimes he has no idea where the kitchen is!)
I am just resigned and to be honest my life has become much more stress free since I have, not easy but in the long run a lot easier,
Good luck x

oh dh is the same
I have to ask/tell him to do stuff because he can't see dirt, apparently...
just wish he would use his bloody initiative sometimes!
we both work but I keep things ticking over at home, make sure everyone has clean clothes, is not knee-deep in filth etc
it's wearing!

Completely agree - it's the Thinking that's the hard work.
My husband will willingly do jobs around the house, he's very good at the bins, the garden, all the car stuff - but doesn't see mess - unless I ask him to tidy up.

And for a couple of weeks now he's been saying "it's grandma's birthday soon, I'd better get her something".
Now - I could have done nothing about this, but then poor grandma-in-law wouldn't have had a present - and his family would have assumed it was because I was being slack (they're a bit old fashioned).

At the moment, I'm still on holiday, so I am doing extra. Once term time starts though the house will just have to go to pot again.

Another nod of recognition ssd. When DS2 was a few days old and I got a bit overwhelmed with domestic chores, DH advised me to 'stop punishing myself' re laundry. Not as in leave it and I'll help later, but, just leave it, stop moaning.

So I did mine and DC's stuff, and household stuff, and left his.

And watched, amazed, as each morning he put on a fresh shirt oblivious to the swinging, clattering empty hangers rattling in his wardrobe.

When he finally asked where his clean clothes were, I said 'Oh I took your advice and stopped punishing myself'.

Indignant he was. Things much better a few years on now. Strategically withdraw labour!

Oh God DH is the same.

What really gets me is that he will sit down at the laptop and carefully plan a whole year's worth of golf competitions. He will enter them into a little notebook, along with details of golfy relevant stuff. He will carefully apply for each competition.

But can he organise one single night out for us or a day out for the family? Can he buggery. Then he apparently loses all his marbles (they probably turn into golf balls) and wouldn't recognise a organisational brain cell if it came up and battered him on the head with a nine iron.

And don't get me started on the washing. Oh ok well just a bit....

I do all the laundry. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind this too much as I'm a SAHM. I wash, iron and put away all clothes. But sometimes there may be a stack of shirts that need to be taken upstairs to be hung up. Can he see them? No. They are Invisible Shirts. Either that or they are very very heavy and he can't manage them.

Gah.

I do most things, I organise most things and I remember most things.

But I do the 2-choice method sometimes. i.e. do you want to hoover or change DD's nappy?

I don't do car-washing. I don't really notice the dirt. Also, if I clean my car it will get dirty again, so I leave until he is so horrified and embaressed by it he takes it to the car wash.

Suggest you either (a) take a direct approach "Please can you.............", or (b) offer him a choice "I'll do you a deal, one of us does.........and the other does ........." or (c) just leave things ie don't rush to empty the dishwasher and washing machine as soon as they're finished. Let the dishes and laundry pile up. Eventually, you can do a joint effort, even if it's later than you would have chosen (perhaps several days later!) but it does help to make the point that these jobs aren't done by pixies while he's out at work! I don't pick up my husband's clothes from the bedroom floor. I don't nag him to do it, but he knows that unless he puts them in the laundry bin himself, they won't be washed. My friend bought lots of new socks so that her partner would run out before she did and then he would have to do the laundry! Hope this helps

I'm carrying out an experiment.
Husband left some of his clothes (shirt and short) at the bottom of the stairs yesterday, when we got in from a day out.
Normally the stair pixies take these up to the bedroom.
I shall try leaving them and see how long it takes.
They're still there now, but it's only been just over 12 hours, and he's only walked past them about 4 times so far.

Oh this is all so familiar!

I'm recovering form an op at the moment and dp is wonderfully caring and gorgeous but he never notices what needs doing, if I ask he does things willingly, but I don't want to ask, I want him to notice! IABU probably as he is fab in general

Ah yes, I so identify with this.

As a very pregnant person I am fervently nesting. With his help yesterday we gutted our bedroom and put the cot together. This process generated a full bin-liner of rubbish. I finished off the tidying while he took care of DS then tied up the bag and left it at the top of the stairs.

After I'd bathed DS DP came upstairs to say goodnight, stepped over the full bag, gave DS a cuddle, then stepped back over the bag and went downstairs.

I took it down with me and left it at the bottom of the stairs. He must have walked past/round it 6 times until I gave up and binned it this morning.

When I recounted the above to him this morning he looked at me blankly ...

Aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh!

I'll admit I used to be a bit like the op.

Then I went on housework strike.

Now, he'll pick up, load and unload the dishwasher(which I had been begging for for 2 years as he never did the washing up, clean a toilet and get the bins ready for rubbish dayAnd he also does the hoovering and has taken the bulk of the household de-bugging on his shoulders. I deal with th elive creatures and he does the crapets.

He's still not 50/50 as he won't cook or put a wash on, but he has improved 200% in his attitude towards housework and fair share.

Brethren - I hear ye!

I too try the "strategic withdrawal of duties" method.

I had my first big night out last night since the birth of my baby. He is now asleep on the couch because he had to get up once in the night and at 6:30am. When I got up there were 2 (!) dirty nappies on the changing mat, washing machine lights still blinking from when I turned it on last night, dry washing not sorted & put away. There has been no suggestion of a supermarket run and they're not open here on Sundays...

I know I've got stuff in for tomorrow and I'm happy to pick away at cheese and crackers, but his Lordship might go hungry.

My cleaned breastpump is waiting for the 5th day to be put away because I can't reach the box. Have asked him daily.

Bins? "You have to tell me when the bill is full". Wtf? Your own eyes don't work?

He says he's happy to help and that I just need to tell him what needs doing - but nobody wants to come across as a fishwife do they?

He does now use the kitchen calendar and writes down his shifts/appointments. I reckon I'll have him beaten down more proactive by 2025.

Well, clothes have gone upstairs. Only as far as the bedroom floor, but they're upstairs. And it only took 24 hours. Don't know what I'm complaining about really.

I'm thinking of sending my dh a link to this thread ad I had the same conversation with him recently.

It would never cross his mind to empty the dishwasher, change the sheets etc. He has no idea about any of the household finances or anything to do with nursery or the children's health.

I enjoy cooking, but hate the daily grind of having to think about abdomen what we're having.

That wasn't so bad when I was working part time, but now I'm back to work full time he's going to have to pull his
weight a lot more.

I have this row a lot with my DH. I have given over the kitchen to him. He cooks, cleans it and is responsible. He knows if it's a tip I'll hit the roof.

I deal with the rest of the house.

We found that having very clear, defined areas is the only way to stop us rowing over it. He still helps about the house if he does see things but I don't expect him to.

Hope you feel less stressed soon.