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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

thinking dp was wrong delaying dds bedtime?

58 replies

familyfun · 26/08/2010 20:48

dd 3.1 needs 11 hours sleep at night and doesnt nap in the day.

dd starts nursery in 2 weeks and has 12.15 start so i need her up at 7am for breakfast so she will be slightly hungry by 11.30 for a very early lunch before walkng to nursery.
i explained this to dp and have been bathing her at 7pm so se is asleep by 8pm to get her ready for this new routine.

tonight his parents visited, asked them to come at 6 as dd baths at 7.
they came at 6.20 so at 7 when i mentioned bathing dd, dp said she will be alright for a bit, i finally got her in the bath at 7.30 and she has just fallen asleep.
dp cant understand why im pissed off that tomorrow dd wont wake till 7.45 and my ne routine is out.

im a sahm, its me who will need to be getting her to nursery on time, dp works fulltime, went straight to the gym after work and got in the same time his parents turned up so has spent 1 hr with dd today but thinks he should say when she goes to bed.

aibu?

OP posts:

Besom · 26/08/2010 21:08

Being pregnant and sleep deprived at the same time is horrible. If yabu at the moment it is probably understandable.

Original poster

familyfun · 26/08/2010 21:08

think you are right, it was a combination of dp getting home 3 hours after finishing work while i had cooked dinner, washed up etc, then his parents coming later, then his dismissal of bathtime and me being knackered/hormonal.

OP posts:

Morloth · 26/08/2010 21:09

All those numbers at the start of your post confused me.

YABU. It is all going to go to hell when you have the new baby anyway. You will all be in your PJs eating breakfast at 1pm having blown off nursery for the day because the baby had a difficult night.

Just chill, I find they tend to wake up at around the same time everyday regardless of when they go to bed.

Your DH needs to be more of an active parenting rather than leaving it all to you to do.

verytellytubby · 26/08/2010 21:11

A bit of flexibility makes parenting so much easier (and more fun).

HowAnnoying · 26/08/2010 21:13

Forget any routine you have with your DD when the new baby comes!

Also can't she start nursery at 12 so they give her lunch? It'll be one less thing to worry about when you have the new baby.

inveteratenamechanger · 26/08/2010 21:15

"think you are right, it was a combination of dp getting home 3 hours after finishing work while i had cooked dinner, washed up etc, then his parents coming later, then his dismissal of bathtime and me being knackered/hormonal."

Oh lordy, I don't blame you. I would have killed him. Sounds like he needs to get his act together. Time for a bit of a chat once the ILs are gone? Good luck!

inveteratenamechanger · 26/08/2010 21:19

I think you should do a new AIBU:

AIBU to want to kill DP for coming home 3 hours after finishing work, having been to the gym, leaving me preg and exhausted to look after DD, cook a meal for his parents, wash up, and entertain them - and then rubbishing my concerns about bedtime.

I think you would get a very different response!

Hope you get a good night's rest tonight.

missmoopy · 26/08/2010 21:24

YABU. Chill out.

Dysgu · 26/08/2010 21:27

I too think this is more about your DP not doing his fair share rather than one slightly late night for DD.

Being home all day with a 3 year old is draining in itself, even before the fact that you are pregnant. I have been home all summer with 2DDs (aged 3 and 1) so DP has had to try to get home from work early so that he can have tea with us all and then does the bath and settles the little one.

There are days when I am jealous of DP's 90 minute each way commute as he not only gets to 'escape' to work each day but gets this 'chill/down' time too!

I would suggest that you have a chat with DP, explain (possibly again if he is anything like my DP)why you need him to get home earlier, why the routine is so important etc and keep re-iterating that, for you, the routine will help you feel more confident about DD starting nursery and being ready for the arrival of DC2.

However, with just over a week to go before I start back at school (as a teacher), I am making the most of slightly later bed times for my girls as it leads to slightly later (7am instead of 6.30am) mornings!

Good Luck

LilyBolero · 26/08/2010 21:29

Yabu, she will wake up at the normal time. And it is far more important for her to see her grandparents than for her routine to be slightly altered.

And of course your dp has a say in what time she goes to bed - she's his dd too.

LadyBiscuit · 26/08/2010 21:30

YABU about the time your DD has gone to bed. YANBU at all for being pissed off with your DH for leaving you to cook for his parents while he focused on himself at the gym for a bit.

When was the last time you had any time to yourself? I suggest tomorrow night you tell him to get home early so you can have a lovely long bath and read a book in peace or go and see a film if you have the energy.

Hulababy · 26/08/2010 21:33

Sorry but I think YABU.

But then I never was big on routines myself, so coul never see why anyone would get so stressed over something like this.

And - but I assume your dp is your DD's father? If so, then of course he gets to have a say in when she goes to bed, etc. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you get to make all the choices about your child surely? Are you not a partnership?

Raffiiscool · 26/08/2010 21:33

Yes, yabu, only thing I would add is please don't think she need a bath every night. If we have visitors I wouldn't bath the children. If they were dirty, and really did need a bath, I would give them one in the morning instead (they find it weird and exciting!). I have 2 children and have definitely relaxed a bit - I was very routiney with my first as well and realised that I had to go with the flow a bit more when I had 2 routines to juggle. In the future sometimes lunch might be a sandwich and carton of juice in the car on the way to nursery. I have given my children toast in sandwich bags to eat in the car for breakfast before.

Hope you get a good nights sleep. I remember the tiredness with my second pregnancy - it is all encompassing and never goes away. You will feel better once the baby comes.

rubyhorse · 26/08/2010 21:34

On a practical note, I was talking with a friend the other day about Mums who have had children in the afternoon session of nursery (starting 1230). We agreed that every one of us has eventually given up on the struggle to get our kids to eat lunch first. You may want to consider two decent snacks - one before nursery, one after, and a hot meal at teatime. It saves a lot of stress, and you may end up there in the end anyway :). Especially with a new baby. But also agree that you need more of a hand...

OracleOfDelphinium · 26/08/2010 21:36

Familyfun, I am going to be one of the small voices who says YANBU. Or maybe you're being slightly U, but your husband is being more U than you are. For whatever reason (tiredness, pregnancy, etc), it matters to you for your DD to stay in this new routine, and knowing your wishes, he should have respected them. In itself, it won't make any difference to your DD if her routine is very slightly disrupted. But I do think you need to make it really clear to your DH that it matters to you. Not in an accusatory, aggressive way, obviously.

My guess is that you're upset because he rode roughshod over your wishes without any consultation beforehand. Presumably you'd have been willing to compromise if he'd said beforehand that his parents wouldn't be arriving until 6.20 and that they'd really like to see their granddaughter for a bit longer? That way you could have bathed her before their arrival, and she could then have gone to bed sooner.

I disagree with all those who say you'll have to let it all slide once the new baby arrives. IME, second and subsequent babies are a very, very good reason to keep the first child in his/her familiar, safe, established routine. If I were you, I'd have a good talk to your husband in advance about how and why the routine works. If he becomes their main carer at any point, he can then find a way that works for him. I remember writing the children's routine down for my husband, with dire warnings about not deviating from the schedule for any reason at all if he wanted a relatively peaceful time (i.e. no, you can't 'just check emails', no, you can't 'just ring up so-and-so', no, you can't 'just read the paper for ten more minutes', etc, etc, etc). Some will scoff, but it worked for my family.

PixieOnaLeaf · 26/08/2010 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

inveteratenamechanger · 26/08/2010 21:42

Oracle, you make some really good points there. DD's dad was really anti-routine until we separated and he was looking after her on his own two days a week. Suddenly, he became the queen of routine and sticks to it far more strictly than I do!

OracleOfDelphinium · 26/08/2010 21:54

inveterate:

Pixie, I thoroughly disagree. There is no reason at all why new babies necessarily have to disrupt the routine of older siblings. You may be more tired and more likely to let routines slide, but that's a different matter.

PixieOnaLeaf · 26/08/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

familyfun · 26/08/2010 22:02

thanks all, im chilled now.
must stop stressing over nursery.
dp pissed me off coming home so late and i think he keeps her up later to see her but he should come home earlier instead.

also feel he undermines me about dd, like i make her sit at the table to eat and he lets her sit on the sofa thinking its a treat but then she pesters me all week to sit on the sofa to eat. he feeds her dinner and then i have her whining to be fed when i know she is capable. he babies her alot and it annoys me.

OP posts:

Lougle · 26/08/2010 22:06

My DD2 is 3.0, and on Tuesday night stayed up (she fell asleep late afternoon, while I was cooking tea, so wasn't tired enough for bed). My Mum was babysitting, and she wouldn't go back to bed until Daddy got back - 10.39pm!!

She was up with the lark as usual and bouncing around the house all day.

I don't think the odd later night is a real issue, tbh.

OracleOfDelphinium · 26/08/2010 22:15

FF, that would annoy me too. I think you need to have Words with him. In his defence, anyone who doesn't look after children full time doesn't realise that one 'treat' has a knock-on effect of nagging and whining for months afterwards. However, it seems that you might have to point this out.

I've been mulling over Hulababy's post about partnerships. I think the 'partnership' thing probably works better if both parents have f/t or p/t jobs outside the home. But if one parent is f/t at home with the children, then that person really does have the say over eating/sleeping/bathing/all the very dull but necessary stuff. That's the only way it can really work in most (not all, but most) families where one parent stays at home and the other goes out to work. Anything else is confusing for the children, quite apart from being a pain in the bum for the SAH parent.

Lougle, I am baffled by 'wouldn't go back to bed'. Is she in charge?

dolphin13 · 26/08/2010 22:40

Blimey I like a routine but not that much.

My dd starts nursery in 2 weeks as well and I hadn't even thought about a routine.

Seriously I think for your own well being you need to chill a little. Once the new baby comes along your routine will have to be a little flexable. If you try and keep this up you will drive yourself crazy.

Enjoy the next 2 weeks with your dd. She will easily fall into a routine when she starts nursery.

Once they start to grow up you will never get this time back.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/08/2010 22:53

I think YANBU. Your husband isn't the one responsible for the day to day care, so should not swan in and start undermining the decisions you have made. Given that he went to the gym and did his own thing, leaving you to cope with everything on your own, I'd be inclined to tell him to stfu. He wants to have his cake and eat it. If he wants more say, he should take more responsibility for childcare. Parents need to have the same rules and he should respect what you have decided, given that he is not coming straight home from work to assist you.

Oblomov · 26/08/2010 22:55

have we agreed yet? i like a bit of routine. but for gods sake Op, give it a rest.

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