to think 3 days with mum 3 days with dad is not a very stable routine?

[Patfrench]

DD 2 and 1/2 - posted this in legal but I'm also interested in opinions regarding how stable/bad/good that is for DD; currently DD lives with me and sees dad frequently though no regular arrangement in place; eventually (when he has bought the place he wants) dad wants equal care based on 3 days rotations. Solicitor thinks when she'll go to school it will be too disruptive, changing too often and I tend to agree. Any thoughts out there?

Personally I don't but I do think it is is ESSENTIAL that you and her dad have a good relationship for it to work.

Have seen kids at school who have this set up and its awful for them, they never bring in the right homework / books / p.e. kit, its always at the wrong house / mums washed it and it wasn't dry when they left there to go to dads etc ... feel really sorry for them

I think it can be done - I have a friend who does that (not in the UK) but the child is older and the parents literally have separate apartments in the same (very big) block. They've been doing that for a while, and it seems to have worked - it is an unusual routine, but a routine nonetheless

YANBU -- this is a horrible idea. It will be extremely disruptive, especially for school and when she starts having friends. It will be expensive too as she will need clothes in each place or else she will live out of a suitcase.

Most dads get alternative weekends, with some having dinner at midweek each week, with unlimited phone contact allowed. There are sound reasons for this -- it's not about the child getting equally divided up among the parents (visions of Solomon and the baby and the knife here) for the benefit of each parent 'getting a fair share' of the child's time, it's about what's best and most workable and least disruptive for the child as she gets on with her life. She's not marital property that you can divide up.

Your exH is looking at this from his own turfy point of view here if he's insisting, and not from the pov of the best interests of the child. Follow your solicitor's advice or your child will have a life that is far too complicated.

YANBU. A child needs one permanent home, not be torn between two. I think spending all weekdays with one parent is the most stable arrangement for the child.

It can work but only if you both want it to and work hard at it. If you live close together and are willing to have regular communication and organise schedules for your DD- so the pe kit thing won't be an issue.

If he's open to discussion maybe Thurs - Monday morning every other week could work, so that he has her for a block of time without it being as disruptive.

I think this is a good idea and that more parents should try it, not least because it encourages maximum involvement on the part of Dad - all too often shut out with less equitable arrangements.

Alot of people use "the children's best interests" as a cover for rationalising the other parent out of the picture.

So, the opposite of what mathanxiety said, basically

Don't do it!

My brother and I had this arrangement, admittedly we were older but it was a nightmare. Never really settled anywhere, never knew where our belongings/school stuff were, disrupted seeing our friends.

I'm not sure what the ideal solution is but this isn't it IME.

Okay, I'd show all my cards. I was a child in such an arrangement. I was a little older as just had started reception.

It worked. It worked because my mum (and yes there are isssues that she bore the responsibility) managed it, with lists and the setting up of a very careful routine.

My parents never argued in front of me. I didn't even feel they had seperated particularly, just that they lived in seperate places.

Each parent had a rule that I had unlimited use of their telephone to call the other if ever I needed to. In actual fact it worked better than the equal splite because (although this sounds even more disruptive it wasn't) when one of them had a reason/appointment that made it difficult for them to do the childcare they would swap their days. As I got older it was up to me where I stayed and for how long.

I don't think it is a problem at all PROVIDED the relationships are stable and the child isn't used as a pawn.

I think it's really sad that alternate weekends is the norm. I couldn't imagine only seeing my child that often.

My exH insisted on this at first. It was really awkward to do. He would literally count the hours to make sure I didn't get DD for any longer than he did.

Since I wanted to get a job I found it completely unworkable. How do you find childcare that will do the rotations?

Mediation service we went to thought it was a great idea, I hated it.

We've mangaged to get it to me during week and exH has DD at weekends, I work in the week when she's at school and in school holidays we swap over and I have her the weekends.

I still feel I don't see her enough, but I think he does as well. There's no getting round that one.

Main thing is she's happy and used to the situation we have now.

Just wondering how mathanxiety would feel if she were the parent who only got to see her child alternate weekends.

As a family lawyer, I would say that when it works well it is fab. But all parties and the child have to have the will for it.
Courts for this reason love it.

Far far better than only seeing one parent every other weekend or whatever. That's barely arenting as far as a young cgild is concerned. And if there are half siblings, it must be awful to only see them so little.

But it takes both parents being extrememly selfless and mature to deal wiht the inevitable problems.

YANBU a child is not a "thing" to be shared. You need to establish a regular contact which fits with the child's needs. They need to know who they they are going to be with and not have to look at the calender and think hang on will I be at mum's or dad's? Keep it simple so everyone knows where they are.

Litchick - good point.

Sadly, most people are NOT extremely selfless and mature, least of all divorcees!

CAFCAS and the court agreed with you in my sister's case. So as they both want 50:50 split, they do a week on and a week off and have done for 2+ years. It works really well.

Agree with Mathanxiety, that's what it felt exH was doing, 'getting a fair share', never mind the disruption for DD. She used to scream when I dropped her off.

Mind you she's a total daddys girl now :)

I would also say that a male friend of mine has his children every Tuesday and Fridays. Then every other Saturdays too.

The DCs know they have two homes where they are always welcome. Their stuff is pread between the two or they have double where inexpensive ( eg two sets of wellies ).

Both parents remain consistently and constantly involved in the children's lives.
What could be better for them?

I don't have personal experience but I do have two Brownies (two separate families) in my pack who have this arrangement. Brownies is in fact the handover point - Dad drops them off and Mum picks them up. Other handover is early Sunday morning.

I'm not personally involved but for both families they seem happy with the arrangement - the kids seem to be well-adjusted, in the right place at the right time with the right stuff.

I guess it's one of those things that very much depends on the circumstances and the individuals involved. I don't think it is unstable per se.

I have assumed by the above you don't actually mean 3 days exactly, as in they would always be with the respective parents on the same days of the week. Having an actual 3 on 3 off system (rather than 3.5 on 3.5 off) is not a routine at all I would have thought.

D

I think it can be a really good arrangement provided both parents have a strong, respectful relationship with each other. It doesn't need to be a negative for the child - actualy can be pretty positive, but it really comes down to the parents working together.
The child will pick up on any tension and will percieve their situation as a negative one. Though I'd say that also goes for more traditional custody arrangements too but 50/50, imo, is more likely to cause insecurity and worry to the child when all is not hunky-dory.

It wil be too disruptive. I know a girl who has really struggled with 5 days with Mum in school term and every weekend and half of school holiday with Dad.

I have a friend who had an arrangement where he lived close to the Mum who lived in the old house full time with the DD and her Dad picked her up and dropped her at school most days, she went to her Dads house o do homework as and also had her one day at weekends.

Another couple I heard of share a house and a flat the DD stays in the house but the parents come and go both sharing the house and the flat but also travelling a lot as they both work.

FallingWithStyle - another good point...it's most likely the behaviour of both parents that determines the success or failure of any arrangement - rather than any particular percentage share.

I thought about this when me and my ex seperated. But TBH, I think it is too difficult for the child. There is no sense of permanence - my room, my toys etc. As an adult, I like to know I have my place. Now you can argue that they have two rooms and they get used to it.
By the way, the idea of every alternate weekend is pretty old hat. I see my DS much more than that and he knows that his mum and I get on very well. But as a Dad, I know that I am much less involved in his parenting than I would like to be but I know his mum is doing a good job.