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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think 3 days with mum 3 days with dad is not a very stable routine?

37 replies

Patfrench · 26/08/2010 16:40

DD 2 and 1/2 - posted this in legal but I'm also interested in opinions regarding how stable/bad/good that is for DD; currently DD lives with me and sees dad frequently though no regular arrangement in place; eventually (when he has bought the place he wants) dad wants equal care based on 3 days rotations. Solicitor thinks when she'll go to school it will be too disruptive, changing too often and I tend to agree. Any thoughts out there?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/08/2010 17:53

To those who ask how would I feel if I was the parent who only saw their child every other weekend -- it wouldn't actually matter how I felt about it if I accepted it was in the best interest of the child, right?

Because it is about the child.

BitOfFun · 26/08/2010 18:08

I think that set days are manageable, but not the rotation of three-on, three-off.

Dd2 spends four nights with me and three at her dad's, the same days every week, and it works well. In her case (she has special needs), a quite rigid routine is helpful, and weekly contact is easier to plan for than fortnightly weekends.

smokinaces · 26/08/2010 18:10

We did this as teenagers and it was awful Sunday-Wed at one house, Wed-Sun at the other. No sense of home, having to cart all your things around etc etc. There were 3 of us, and even having each other there was no help.

robd · 26/08/2010 20:14

To Mathanxiety

How can it possibly be in the best interest of the child to see their other parent every alternate weekend? Surely contact during week such as pick up after school and tea, plus proper contact at weekend (not just Saturday afternoon) allows the other parent and child to maintain their relationship.

That is not a parent being selfish - that is ensuring the child still is able to maintain that bond.

AaronsBoo · 26/08/2010 20:20

I do this but on a 4 night rotation and it works out really well for us. My DC are 6 and 8, they have clothes and toys at both houses and we attend parents evening etc jointly. It can work Smile

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/08/2010 20:21

I think 50/50 should be the norm, the system is very sexist and geared towards mothers rather than the interest of the child.

If roles were reversed mothers would be in uproar at only getting to have their child every other weekend. I cant imagine they would agree in the slightest.

LittleSarah · 26/08/2010 20:24

I think it can work.

My parents split it was one week at dad's, one at mum's, we were quite happy. We wanted to see both our parents regularly.

At the moment I am trying to sort out access with my ex as we have moved to the countryside and so arrangements have to change. He has always seen dd a lot (every other weekend and a night or two a week) but something has to change now.

My mum is very much you are the main carer, you have the rights, this is how it should be... I am trying to find something that will mean dd is happy and still sees us both. It is hard.

LittleSarah · 26/08/2010 20:26

robd - Yes exactly, this is the argument that my mum and me keep having, I want dd to see her dad regularly.

(What is most annoying is she keeps bringing it up, rehashing everything that has already been said, and it is not even her bloody decision!)

Hassled · 26/08/2010 20:29

It did work for me for a long time with DS1 and DD - we had a 3 night/4 night thing over a week, so they'd always be in the same house on a Monday, for example, and had some sort of routine. The handover was at the weekend. It worked because ex-DH and I remained on good terms, and lived very close to each other. The DCs coped pretty well - only problems were practical - PE kit being at teh wrong house etc. I missed them like hell, though, and eventually went PT just so I could pick them up from school on their Dad days, and he'd collect from me.

Patfrench · 26/08/2010 21:55

Thanks for all the comments, sorry I reposted not having seen them first! Unfortunately we are not on good terms, he cannot forgive that I ended the relationship and considers me as a "bad mother" for depriving DD of a 2-parent family (even one with no love nor respect but only disagreements and tension, he thinks that is better that separated parents) and he has no interest in commnunicating, when he has been with her he won't tell me how she's been, what he gave her for tea etc. I do not think he will improve in the short-medium term (even though he has a new GF now, I thought that would calm him down but no), maybe in a few years time but till then that is one reason why I am doubtful about the 3 day routine. And yes he meant 3 days on-off (not fixed days) as if he could he would count the minutes to try and get equal time...anyway, much appreciate all comments, thanks again.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/08/2010 00:40

You need to also consider the financial implications of equal residency: i.e. he won't pay you any maintenance and any child benefit etc won't automatically go to you. This might be relevant if you don't work or have a lower-paid job because of previous child-rearing responsibilities. Some people, if they are very bitter, might use access arrangements in order to impoverish their ex-partner, and you would be wise to consider this.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2010 00:53

As many here have suggested, this kind of maximum contact approach can work if there's goodwill on both sides and open lines of communication. As Patfrench mentioned in her last post, and as I gathered from her report of what her solicitor had suggested, this is not the case here. A solicitor would only advise the limited visitation option if certain conditions were present in the parents' relationship, and I think Patfrench has confirmed those conditions for us in her last post above.

When you're dealing with a man who has been something of a jerk during your relationship, that behaviour usually continues after the split up, and occasions when contact is necessary become opportunities for someone with jerklike tendencies to be true to their nature. So the less contact and the less chances there are for aggravation, the better, because it's not good for children to witness their mother being treated badly.

The idea that all fathers are created equal and one size visitation arrangements should fit all is a fallacy. A good father does not mistreat the mother of his children.

(In my own case, my exH had 17 years to get his parenting act together, and failed miserably. He remains unable to supervise homework, to cook a meal that is edible (three episodes of food poisoning of the children in 6 months prove that), or to deal with problems that come up without resorting to threats and angry outbursts. He is welcome to phone them any time, but chooses not to, for whatever reason. They are also able to phone him any time, but choose not to for whatever reason.

Even without all of that, he can't change his work hours to pick anyone up from the two schools they attend. He could not ferry them around to their various activities in the afternoon and evening.)

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