Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by this email...

50 replies

Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 09:53

Firstly a bit of background, sorry this is going to be a long post!

I met this person in January when she moved to live near to me (I'm an expat living in Holland) from the UK. She had no friends here and was having a tough time and I befriended her, listened to her worries and even comforted her when she was in tears. I also introduced her to a local group of expat friends. I also lent her a book to learn Dutch which is referred to in the emails.

After a few months she got a really good job working in Amsterdam and was very busy and I was getting very very pregnant and found it hard to get around (I dont have a car and cycling or walking far after 7 months is hard work!) so we didnt see each other much. She has now cut down at work and only works 4 days a week and I'm at home with DS.

After my son was born I invited them over to come and meet my DS and even sent them a card (its traditional here to send birth cards).

Below are emails sent between us, my question is... I was offended and upset by her most recent email which feels like she isnt interested in being friends or seeing my DS, we havent even had a card from her. As far as I know I havent done anything wrong to her apart from not coming to see her very much due to the reasons above. I've also been run off my feet with DS (now 5 weeks old) and totally shattered (he wakes every 2 hours to feed). I also saw her at a recent social evening and she almost totally ignored me.

So, AIBU to take offence or have I overreacted? Also... what should I say in response to her last email? Would you reply? I've been really upset about this for a while and I havent said anything yet... DH says to just ignore her but she was a friend, I am confused and dont know what's happened!

27 jul Me to her

.... i recounted the birth story to her ... long email and not relevant here!!

28 Jul Her to me

OMG!!!!!! that is amazing! jeeeeeeez is he eating now???? let me know when we can pop round and see the wee gem - loved the story by the way! ah nice that your mom is here for you hun!
ok our address is
await to hear from you!

28th July Me to her

he's eatin ok, we're on a new regime but it's pretty intense.... will see at 1030 if its working when we weigh him again.

we have no visitors planned today or this evening if you're about (I remember you sayin you were off weds?) otherwise we're busy tommorrow eve but not much else booked. best time is after 3pm, i have a nap from 12 to 2ish coz i get up at 4

lemme know what day you'd like to come :)

xx

28 Jul - her to me

aw hun well best of luck with the weigh in! i am at work today - were off to germany at the weekend to munchau for a wee break - swapped days about so unfort cant make it this week. Be great next week at some point tho? wed im deff off work and the weekend we will be about at some point so just let me know and we will see if we can match a time!

20 Aug - me to her

hi you!

how was germany? fun I hope. was nice to see you at the connect meet, sorry i didnt get to say goodbye but you'd disappeared off somewhere when "M" turned up to get me!

was wondering if it would be ok if I steal back my dutch book? I will be going back to school in october and have decided to try and get it all finished asap. going to start to revise before I go back to school as I will do the exam around december time I hope. let me know if that's ok and when is good to pick it up and I'll ask "M" to pop over and collect it.

hope you guys get the chance to pop over sometime and meet the baby!!

hope you're both ok,
"B"

20 Aug - her to me

Hey!
i will post the book to you... were very very busy "B" with friends in the next few months, and of course off to france for yet another three week holiday - well you work hard you gotta spend it right! lol..

what a ball im having with all this travel- im just about a jet setter! . God luck with your exams and hopefully it will help you get work soon and enable you and "M" to stay here

Hope your wee one is doing grand!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 26/08/2010 09:57

She's busy it seems. Maybe this is just a freindship you will keep going through email but I think she's just traveling a lot and very busy so I personally wouldn't be offended if it were me.

nancydrewrocked · 26/08/2010 09:57

There is nothing in there to take offence at. She is busy and is trying to save (presumably) your DP the hassle of having to come and collect a book.

Summer is always a difficult time to catch up with people expecially when you are an expat - everyone wants to visit and you have your own hols also (as it sounds like sje does)

nancydrewrocked · 26/08/2010 09:58

Also she responded very enthusiastically to your long birth story - she is in credit for that surely?!

BitOfFun · 26/08/2010 09:58

I don't see the problem. But your news is probably less thrilling to other people than you imagine, sorry.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/08/2010 09:59

Erm, I'm not seeing anything offensive tbh. She's just busy. It's hard with a new baby, do you think you might be feeling a little sensitive?

racmac · 26/08/2010 09:59

I dont get it - i think she is just busy tbh - she has not been nasty or bitchy - she has asked how you and baby are doing.

Friendships move on - perhaps its time for you to move on and find some mummy friends - can you join some baby groups

Congrats by the way

pebblejones · 26/08/2010 09:59

Uuuummmmm I can't see anything wrong in it at all, or anything that would cause offence? She's busy so she will post it to you. I'm not sure I understand sorry?

Katisha · 26/08/2010 10:04

You have a small baby around whom your life now centres. That's how it is.
She has a job that she is loving and which is keeping her very busy.
You are not in each other's positions at the moment and can't be.
Don't expect people to be as keen on your baby as you are - how can they be? Don't take offence.

Original poster
Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 10:04

for me it was the line "i will post the book to you... were very very busy "B" with friends in the next few month"

she lives 5 mins drive from us, it'd take longer for her to get to the post office than to us.... making me think she'd rather not see us.

also the fact that she's very very busy with "friends" (ie I'm not a friend) over the next few months...... she cant fit in even 5 mins to come say hi for the next few MONTHS???? That struck me as weird as she only works 4 days a week.....

still, maybe I'm over reacting....

OP posts:
gorionine · 26/08/2010 10:06

Could you pin point to the bit you took offence to?

Katisha · 26/08/2010 10:06

She may feel you are not so interested in her either - she won't have a clue that you haven't been to see her becuase the baby takes up all her time.
She'll find out when she has one!

QS · 26/08/2010 10:06

She is just busy!

Friendships change when there is a new baby on the scene. She does not have a baby, and she wont be as thrilled about baby as you. She is on a different planet to you, and might not see the need to see the baby at all! She wont think of a card, or a present, she is a busy young woman with a busy career!

She probably also assumes you will be too busy with the baby, to have much fun with her.

If you want to keep the friendship, then I think you need to try and meet her half way.

Suggest something like:

"Hi Brenda, I miss having an evening out with you, M will look after Gem so maybe I can meet you out for a meal, or a trip to the cinema?"

You need to show her you are NOT just mummy, you are still YOU.

Or:

"Hi Brenda,
Gem is going to sleep quite early, so maybe you would like to come over with a bottle of wine, I will cook, and have a few other friends over."

Or something along those lines.

Katisha · 26/08/2010 10:07

ALl your time I mean

QS · 26/08/2010 10:08

you know, she might be envious of you, your relationship with M and the new baby, so I wouldnt take it to heart, to be honest. Not yet at least. It is early days.

gorionine · 26/08/2010 10:09

sorry x posted!
Oh i see, Maybe she said "next few month" so you do not expect her to come next week , it does not meen she does not want ANY contact with you in the next few months IYSWIM.

Original poster
Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 10:13

maybe gorioine, but in the email before she talks about coming to see him that week.... it just felt weird to me, like a sudden change. Maybe she really doesnt have any time at all for the next few months, possible I guess but also sounds like the kind of thing someone would say as an excuuse.

OP posts:
Imisssleeping · 26/08/2010 10:17

I think it could be that you took a month to reply to her email .
Then you're asking for something back so she might have read something into that, maybe that your were peed off and wanted your things back.
Up to that point the emails were v friendly so it does seem strange.

thelunar66 · 26/08/2010 10:18

I see nothing at all to be offended about in any of the emails. They all sound upbeat and friendly to me. I expect she would be very upset if she thought you had read them as bad.

minipie · 26/08/2010 10:22

hmm (detective hat on)

Jazmyn, what happened after 20 July? Looks like in her email of 20 July she wanted you to suggest a time for a visit the next week. Did you ever reply to her?

If not, then I wonder if maybe she is upset with you for having not got in touch with her after 20 July (your next email was 20 August)?

Her last email does come across a bit like she is offended, like she's saying "well hey if you're not going to bother with me then I've got plenty of other stuff going on in my life... "

If that might be true then how about a response something like... "hey, thanks for the quick reply! sorry I've not been in touch for a while, it's been so exhausting looking after the baby. Would be really great to see you if you can squeeze me in among the travel and friends!"

Original poster
Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 10:22

Imisssleeping i reckon you're right.... I didnt notice it'd taken me a month to reply :-0 .... the joys of not sleeping eh?

I think I'll reply to her apologising for being so slow and saying I really would appreciate seeing her etc and see how she takes it.

OP posts:
minipie · 26/08/2010 10:23

sorry meant 28 July not 20 July.

Original poster
Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 10:24

oops x posted.... minipie I think there was a couple of text messages in between but I should have emailed her. I'll mail her today apologising, I hope she understands :-(

OP posts:
baybay · 26/08/2010 10:26

i think you really are overreacting,she hasn't done anything wrong!
She is going to post your book back,she sounds cheerful and interested in your birth story but just now she is busy.
You,however are full of baby hormones!I think everything feels much more emotional and raw at this time even when there is nothing to feel emotional about.
I have 7month old twins who are the most amazing little creatures that have ever walked/crawled on this earth-however my friends probably feel differently and i understand that their lives keep them busy as they dont have kids yet.
Keep your reply casual and friendly as she wont have any idea she has offended you-and you might not get your book back if you dont!

wildfig · 26/08/2010 10:28

I don't think she's out to offend you - she's very aware that you've got a tight routine with your new baby, and probably thinks that if she doesn't arrive dead on the appointed slot, it's going to throw your whole day out. She sounds pretty busy too, and maybe feels it's better to leave things until you've both got more time and can be relaxed about it?

And don't take the 'friends' thing personally; she probably just means other people you haven't met and don't want to be bored with. If she'd meant it snippily she'd had said '... very busy with real friends...' Wink

honie · 26/08/2010 11:05

I see why you are offended by that, but you're not offering a set time etc for her to come round - she says she is free Weds, but you don't respond to it. Maybe she thought you just wanted the book back?

Try not to get too caught up by it, life changes so much when you have a baby, inc friendships.