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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by this email...

50 replies

Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 09:53

Firstly a bit of background, sorry this is going to be a long post!

I met this person in January when she moved to live near to me (I'm an expat living in Holland) from the UK. She had no friends here and was having a tough time and I befriended her, listened to her worries and even comforted her when she was in tears. I also introduced her to a local group of expat friends. I also lent her a book to learn Dutch which is referred to in the emails.

After a few months she got a really good job working in Amsterdam and was very busy and I was getting very very pregnant and found it hard to get around (I dont have a car and cycling or walking far after 7 months is hard work!) so we didnt see each other much. She has now cut down at work and only works 4 days a week and I'm at home with DS.

After my son was born I invited them over to come and meet my DS and even sent them a card (its traditional here to send birth cards).

Below are emails sent between us, my question is... I was offended and upset by her most recent email which feels like she isnt interested in being friends or seeing my DS, we havent even had a card from her. As far as I know I havent done anything wrong to her apart from not coming to see her very much due to the reasons above. I've also been run off my feet with DS (now 5 weeks old) and totally shattered (he wakes every 2 hours to feed). I also saw her at a recent social evening and she almost totally ignored me.

So, AIBU to take offence or have I overreacted? Also... what should I say in response to her last email? Would you reply? I've been really upset about this for a while and I havent said anything yet... DH says to just ignore her but she was a friend, I am confused and dont know what's happened!

27 jul Me to her

.... i recounted the birth story to her ... long email and not relevant here!!

28 Jul Her to me

OMG!!!!!! that is amazing! jeeeeeeez is he eating now???? let me know when we can pop round and see the wee gem - loved the story by the way! ah nice that your mom is here for you hun!
ok our address is
await to hear from you!

28th July Me to her

he's eatin ok, we're on a new regime but it's pretty intense.... will see at 1030 if its working when we weigh him again.

we have no visitors planned today or this evening if you're about (I remember you sayin you were off weds?) otherwise we're busy tommorrow eve but not much else booked. best time is after 3pm, i have a nap from 12 to 2ish coz i get up at 4

lemme know what day you'd like to come :)

28 Jul - her to me

aw hun well best of luck with the weigh in! i am at work today - were off to germany at the weekend to munchau for a wee break - swapped days about so unfort cant make it this week. Be great next week at some point tho? wed im deff off work and the weekend we will be about at some point so just let me know and we will see if we can match a time!

20 Aug - me to her

hi you!

how was germany? fun I hope. was nice to see you at the connect meet, sorry i didnt get to say goodbye but you'd disappeared off somewhere when "M" turned up to get me!

was wondering if it would be ok if I steal back my dutch book? I will be going back to school in october and have decided to try and get it all finished asap. going to start to revise before I go back to school as I will do the exam around december time I hope. let me know if that's ok and when is good to pick it up and I'll ask "M" to pop over and collect it.

hope you guys get the chance to pop over sometime and meet the baby!!

hope you're both ok,
"B"

20 Aug - her to me

Hey!
i will post the book to you... were very very busy "B" with friends in the next few months, and of course off to france for yet another three week holiday - well you work hard you gotta spend it right! lol..

what a ball im having with all this travel- im just about a jet setter! . God luck with your exams and hopefully it will help you get work soon and enable you and "M" to stay here

Hope your wee one is doing grand!

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 26/08/2010 11:12

Actually it does seem to me that she is not that interested in meeting you. From her pov on 28th July she emailed you suggesting she call up to you on the following Weds or the weekend whatever suited and you seem to have ignored this completely and only got back in touch with her on the 20th Aug looking for your book back. You didn't even apologise for ignoring her last mail. I am not saying she is being reasonable but she probably feels that you weren't that interested in seeing her and so she has moved on. i understand that these things can easily happen when you a newborn but then I have had two of them and she has not. If I were you I would apologise for not getting back to her sooner, say you would love her to meet the baby if she is still interested and you'd like to try and stay in touch as you realise keeping old friends is important.
If she is still not intersted just leave it. Your life has changed now and she needs to give you some leeway.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/08/2010 11:22

Did you respond to her request to meet up? Is she miffed at you?

BlueFergie · 26/08/2010 11:24

Also I noticed in your mail of 20th August that you didn't even suggest picking the book up yourself but said your husband would. maybe she read this as more proof that you weren't that bothered about seeing her? Could you not go over and see her one Weds with the baby?

Original poster

Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 11:34

Blue sadly I dont have a car and DS is too small to go out on the bicycle atm.... she knows this so that shouldnt be a problem. (its a bitt too far to walk there).

OP posts:

curryfreak · 26/08/2010 11:54

She's busy, with her life, you with yours.
I'm afraid your life is not nearly as interesting as you think it is to other people, just because you've had a baby.
And giving her the details of your birth, god alive, how tedious is that,- and that's speaking as a parent, not a singleton withouth children!

swanandduck · 26/08/2010 12:05

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think she could have made an effort to call around and see the baby when OP had been so good to her when she was new and friendless in Holland. Saying 'we're going to be busy with friends for the next few months, when you only live a few minutes away and then posting back a book instead of using it as a reason to call in and see OP and the baby is offensive, in my view.

themildmanneredjanitor · 26/08/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 26/08/2010 12:11

Expat friendships are different IME.

She is carefree and doing the mad working/travelling version and you are doing the little kids slow moving family version.

The two groups have some crossover because you are both far from home, but as someone who has done both, it really isn't that conducive to "real" friendships.

BlueFergie · 26/08/2010 12:37

OK if its too far to walk and she knows you don't drive then fair enough. Although how far a walk can 5 minute drive be?

I do think all this comes back to you not getting back to her in July. She seemed very keen to see the baby up to then. I think you are right and she is not bothered anymore. you may be able to get the friendship back with a bit of effort, but I imagine you may have to continue to make a special effort going forward. Question is is it worth it to you?

Original poster

Jazmyn · 26/08/2010 12:50

blue I just checked, it's 2 miles each way, IMO thats a bit too far for me to walk let alone with DS in a pram.

As I said before I'll email her and apologise for offending her by not getting back to her before... I'm sure thats probably the reason and I have no issues eating humble pie if thats the case, I guess time just moved so far in the few weeks after he was born I forgot I hadnt replied to the email, tbh I forgot loads of other sfuff as well!! I dont expect her to understand that though so I'm not planning on using it as an excuse in the email.

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 26/08/2010 12:58

Why would you be offended? She just seems very busy and the tone of the messages is friendly.

follyfoot · 26/08/2010 13:04

Cant see anything there to be offended about. Although if I was her I might be a bit peed off that you had copied my emails onto here...

Hope you dont mind me saying this but I do wonder if you are having a bit of a wobble in yourself? The stresses of your new life might be making you see things a bit differently from normal. Really, its not worth falling out over something (nothing?) like this.

BlingLoving · 26/08/2010 13:09

On her email of 28 July she says, "wed im deff off work and the weekend we will be about at some point so just let me know and we will see if we can match a time!" so I think she thinks the ball is in your court to suggest a time as earlier in that email she had explained she couldn't make the times you had previously suggested.

I think she is trying not to invade and wants to visit, but wanted you (again) to give her some potential slots.

themildmanneredjanitor · 26/08/2010 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corriefan · 26/08/2010 13:15

I thought you sounded miffed first tbh, when you said "you disappeared" and then asked for a book back. My friend does this when she's peed off with people having imagined a slight and it's made more apparent by your dh getting it. sounds a bit like you only got intouch for your book and you expect her to do all the running when she works a lot and goes away a lot.

pigletmania · 26/08/2010 13:20

Nothing there to indicate offence really, she sounds nice and very busy, like a lot of my friends really who work long difficult hours who cannot see me, some i have not seen in a year but we still keep in touch be phone and e mail. Calm down, let the hormones surpass, it all seems fine.

pigletmania · 26/08/2010 13:22

Why dont you call and offer her a time and date for her to come round that suits you both.

piprabbit · 26/08/2010 13:27

Why not give her a phone call and talk to her about meeting up. It's much easier to get a date in both your diaries over the phone that it is going back and forth with emails and texts.

Then, if that doesn't work out I'd downgrade the friendship a little and chalk it up to being a friendship that worked for you both for a little while - not a friendship for life.

inveteratenamechanger · 26/08/2010 13:29

Do you really think that 2 miles is too far to walk?

I think the stuff about travel and friends in her last email is a little defensive - she probably feels a bit threatened and left out by the fact that you have a baby now.

She made a big effort in her first couple of emails, taking an interest in your birth story, and your son's feeding problems.

TBH, i would have been hurt by YOUR email saying 'can I have my book back' and sending your DH/P round to get it. She probably feels like there is no place for her in your life now.

Folkesy · 26/08/2010 13:34

I think I would read between the lines as you have... She says "months", she will "post" the book...

Might just be a misunderstanding, she is obviously definitely busy but I can't imagine not popping a borrowed book into a friends and seeing their new born - to be honest I'd do that if even if the friendship was evolving, hardly a big ask.

Her email also asks no specific questions like she isn't expecting/wanting even an e mail reply..it sounds very vague and cold shoulderish to me and I would be upset too.

The reasons may be of various origins as previously mentioned but she appears on the surface, to be giving you the brush off for sure.

It sometimes happen after having a baby, life changes and so do your friends, try not to get upset by it.

mustrun · 26/08/2010 13:37

Friendships cant last by email, and if your both feeling off with each oher, then it can only get sorted out in person. Two miles is nothing to walk (sorry if you have a disability that I'm not aware of, that makes it different of course), its just taking the baby out for fresh air. Why cant you walk two miles to visit and get it all sorted?

gobbledegoop · 26/08/2010 13:42

That's the thing with emails and texts isn't it? Sometimes things just get mis-read. I think you both have crossed wires here, she was upset that you took so long to reply, didn't set a date for her to come over and then appeared to 'just want your book back'. You picked up on the fact that she didn't seem to have time for you but i think this was just a reaction to your last email tbh. Give her a ring and hopefully with a bit of grovelling, you should be able to sort things out. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

BlueFergie · 26/08/2010 15:09

Oh well I am a big walker so 2 miles to see a friend is perfectly feasible to me. Pushing a pram makes no difference in my experience especially when they are small. But like I said I walk a lot, sometimes it was the only way to get mine to sleep during the day!! Getting fresh air also helped them sleep at night.
Should really only take you 20 mins to half an hour to walk it.

mumbar · 26/08/2010 15:20

I agree with mimipie the first thing I nticed was the gap in emails - altho easy to see why with a newborn feeding every 2 hours.

What happened in that time? Maybe she has discovered she can't have children, had a mc or feels that she wiated for you and you didn't get back to her.

TBH to me it sounds more like a simple case that you emailed her after 3/4 weeks break with a great list of things about how great your life is and are finding reason to be upset when she does the same. (again newborns have this effect)

Don't beat yourself up just try and get friendship back on track.

Best of luck.

bruffin · 26/08/2010 15:36

"blue I just checked, it's 2 miles each way, IMO thats a bit too far for me to walk let alone with DS in a pram."

I used to walk that with DC's in the pram a lot. I don't drive and it's so much easier walking 40 minutes than getting a bus.

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