To still let this get to me and feel sad about it?

[ilovecats]

I am 22 weeks pregant with twins so that may have something to do with the way I am feeling but surely this is not right?

Since the birth of DD 18 months ago, I have been having problems with MIL and SIL. Plenty of undermining, nasty comments, constant criticism about anything I do etc- you get the picture and plenty of you are going through the same thing. I used to just ignore, ignore, ignore but had a rather frank chat with MIL a while ago. They used to live just 5 minutes away from us, but we moved 4 weeks ago, so I am finding things much easier to bear as I see them less.

Anyway, PIL and SIL came to visit for the day to see the new house, and the day went OK. All day was spent taking a lot of pictures of DD- bit annoying for her but understandable I guess. This morning DP gets a letter from SIL, addressed to just him, of a large A3 printed collage of many pictures of DD with everyone except me. I know pictures of me with DD were taken on the day, as I have seen them, so thats no excuse. I know many of these collages were printed to give to PIL and other members of the family.

AIBU to feel sad and hurt by this? Sad for me but also for DD because presumably this collage will be something that will be kept for the future, yet her mum is not in it. This is just the last thing in a long line of incidences to keep me out of the picture but it has actually made me cry.

Take lots of your own photos and make your own family collage. Put theirs in the loft.

Nice! Understandable if the photos were JUST of DD, but not as you've said that they were of other people but not you.

I'd be tempted to compile a similar collage with me and DD and send it to all the people whao have received the PIL's pictures. If I "forgot" to send PIL and SIL copies, well, that would be ever such a pity, wouldn't it?!

It would be awful if you spilled a drink all over it

awwww, I'm really for you. I'm really sorry i have no advice, but they sound like a horrible family in law.

Sending (((((hugs))))) not even 'un-MN like' hugs. proper ones!

That's awful and very insensitive. They sound like jerks. I agree with the others - put it away and make your own x

Yanbu to be sad and hurt but I guess you know that the only thing to do is ignore it. They are being petty and you know that. I always find being overly nice to people who seem to have a problem with me annoys them and therefore makes me feel better. Maybe you should try that if you can stomach it. There's probably also a little bit of hormones at work too

Your DD still knows you're her Mum and doesn't need some photos to prove it. She might ask some tricky questions of your IL's when she's older and realises that you're absent from them.

That's just the sort of thing my (estranged) OL's would have done..which is why they are estranged and haven't seen their grandchildren for 10 years,or their son(dp),some people really are mean....DP always says his Mother could start a row in an empty house,they thrive on unpleasantness.

Where does DH stand in this? Would he send it back with a message saying he can't accept it as they've left you out?

If he doesn't want the confrontation then put it in the loft and if they ever ask after it tell them you know it's just another of there childish digs at you and you have a policy of ignoring them, therefore the collage was thrown away.

Can you draw yourself in?! On a serious note, I'd be really pee'd off at this. Can your DH not say something along the lines of "be nice or F-off"?

I would.

My Ex-Inlaws did that

Made a collage of the whole family including DILs, SILs, all GC's - but not me

Sending hugs

And I know that's not MNetty

Cut your face out of other pictures and paste it over EVERYONE else's face.

Then frame it and put it above the mantelpiece.

Tethersend - that is an amazing idea.

Like your stylee

ahhh- thanks for your lovely comments and suggestions. I love the ones about drawing myself in or sticking pictures of me on.
DP will do anything for a quit life and even though he can see and knows it upset me, would never say anything about it. Did I mention that we moved recently and the cats are still using a cat litter box? I appear to have run out of liners....

I love Tethers idea. Just imagine the satisfaction you'd get from doing that.

Short of photoshopping it all, can you get DH to say something like "thanks, have you got any of ilovecats too as I'd love to see some of those in with these?" all sweet and innocent like?

Poor you though, I'd be offended and hurt too.

I think these people are horrible AND you sound like a rational and lovely person. Your DH sounds a bit like mine - decent and good but hates emotion etc.?
You MUST do as others have suggested:
Get some gorgeous professional family shots done (if you can afford it - if not try doing your own with the help of a friend)that include you and DD, DH and DD, Both of you with DD.
Then when your lovely twins arrive do the same. THOSE are the photos you get framed and copied for display AND NO OTHERS.
Do not display their photos (shove them in a drawer)- do not let DH acknowledge them. And if they ask about their photos get DH to simply say "yes thank you we got them" without any further comment.
You may have to just learn to accept that his horrible family are just that - horrible. It's their problem, not yours. You sound like a really lovely person.

They sound like twats. Sorry you're sad. But you have a lovely daughter and twins on the way so YOU WIN.

I would just deny ever receiving it - say it got lost in the post.

That is either mean or very insensitive. Either way it's normal for you to feel sad. But, if they are like this - don't waste your time unpicking things and devoting precious brain power by thinking about it. Some families/people/situations are just a bit disfunctional and impossible to unpick or fix. Ditch the collage in a drawer and use it as an excuse to get some nice piccys done like Mowiol and others said.
Not living as close is a good thing. If they undermind you or display and consistant rudeness/insensativity towards them - they get invited to dinner less. Your loss not theirs.
Sorry - I hate petty insensitive behaviour, particularly when directed at nice pregnant ladies who have enough on their plate! x

ooooppps I mean their loss not yours. Stupid brain. Sorry x x x x x

Bin it. Make your own large collage and put pics of all of you including your parents, siblings, neices/nephews etc. with no in-laws and display it prominently when they visit next.

Feel upset & sad, because I would! But it doesn't help & is very draining!

Dh has an aunt like this, it is all about dh & the girls. We live in Oz & they in the UK. She sends a parcel full of stuff for everyone, inc PIL, her siblings here (she is the only 1 of 4 in the UK) but nothing for me..EVER!

Last one we got I cried too! She sent a whole lots of beautiful craft stuff (I make cards) and it was for dd1. It just feels like being the unpopular one at school! Even my birthday cards get addressed to Mrs [husbands name] surname. Like I am not a separate identity at all!

She has been here twice in the last 4 yrs. Again, everyone got something, except me. All I wanted was some Galaxy chocolate. But dh got duty free stuff, food, etc. Girls got clothes, chocs, books, CD etc. I got nothing! Not even one small bags of minstrels!

It bloody hurts. But now I expect nothing & anything else is a bonus. I think you need to make your own keepsake for dd. And know, in time that she will see them for who they are & be pretty pissed off that they never think of you!

And I should say that dh has many times told her to send me a little something (he thinks I don't know) but it never happens. Her excuse is that she doesn't know what I like.

Yet dh has send suggestions..chocolate, a book by X author, some craft paper, etc.

Good luck, I have been trying through gritted teeth for 10 years with mine. They continue to undermine but at least DH understands and is supportive. Get this, when we stayed with them, they instructed their housekeeper to do everyone's laundry except mine, and then sent everyone a Christmas present except me..I used to get upset now I cant be bothered as too much negative energy. Enjoy your lovely family and leave them to bitterness. Sorry I am new here I hope you dont mind me replying, but your message reminded me how difficult they can make life. Good luck!

Not nice at all.

Think you should definitely do your own collage as suggested and if ever questioned I would perhaps fib and say 'Oh DD would ask where's mummy? so we had to do another one that included ALL the family.'

I would also go on a bit of a photo-offensive and when twins are born (or before - congratulations btw!) have some professional shots done (or get dressed up and get a friend round with a good camera) and make sure PILs presents for evermore are family shots of all of you. Then you can keep asking where the photos of you ALL are.

In situations like this, where it's all a bit insidious under the table bullying/leaving someone out etc. and you feel that if you raised it, it would be laughed off/belittled, I sometimes think its helpful to have an imaginary friend who something v similar/analagous is happening to, to drop into the conversation with the offenders. Lots of 'Why would someone want to do that to their DIL! Why would you want to alienate the mother of their GC etc. Shocking isn't it...etc etc'. I just think it lets them know you're onto them.

Admittedly all too passive-aggressive for words, but can also be into a route into bringing up the subject to resolve conflict if it escalates.

Failing that Tethers has the right idea....I wouldn't fuck around with anyone with a picture like that above their mantelpiece.

Aw, I feel for you I really do, my MIL has a photo wall in her house, huge wall with floor to ceiling photos of every family member, friend and pet they know, except me.

She doesn't like me .

I get my revenge by being terribly over nice to her, I find this always throws people.