To still let this get to me and feel sad about it?

[ilovecats]

I am 22 weeks pregant with twins so that may have something to do with the way I am feeling but surely this is not right?

Since the birth of DD 18 months ago, I have been having problems with MIL and SIL. Plenty of undermining, nasty comments, constant criticism about anything I do etc- you get the picture and plenty of you are going through the same thing. I used to just ignore, ignore, ignore but had a rather frank chat with MIL a while ago. They used to live just 5 minutes away from us, but we moved 4 weeks ago, so I am finding things much easier to bear as I see them less.

Anyway, PIL and SIL came to visit for the day to see the new house, and the day went OK. All day was spent taking a lot of pictures of DD- bit annoying for her but understandable I guess. This morning DP gets a letter from SIL, addressed to just him, of a large A3 printed collage of many pictures of DD with everyone except me. I know pictures of me with DD were taken on the day, as I have seen them, so thats no excuse. I know many of these collages were printed to give to PIL and other members of the family.

AIBU to feel sad and hurt by this? Sad for me but also for DD because presumably this collage will be something that will be kept for the future, yet her mum is not in it. This is just the last thing in a long line of incidences to keep me out of the picture but it has actually made me cry.

Very passive agressive of them (first time I have used that phrase).

It wouldn't be going on display in my home. I would make my own.

If they ever bring it up, tell them your DD asked where mummy was and see what they say to that.

Oh Lovdy your post has me

Amazing how nasty and petty some people can be.

Ugh, they sound horrid. I would be livid. But you have your own lovely little family with your DH, DD and twinfants on the way so try to just concentrate on them and not on the petty, mean spirited IL.

Actually - damn them for making you feel like this! Plot some kind of revenge. If you are having a christening or naming ceremony choose godparents ALL from your side of the family or just your friends. Display framed pictures in your home of the family and friends that make you feel good about yourself and NONE of them. Have a party or a dinner, invite all the people in your life that make you happy, take pictures, make a collage and them send them a copy.

Hmmm may not do much for your relationship with them in the long run. But then I'm just not a bigger person. I'm VENGEFUL!

It's not nice, no. My ILs have a large collage of mine and DHs wedding day on their living room wall and I (the bride!) am not in a single one. There's just loads of DH and all of their extended family.

In their case, I honestly don't think they've done it deliberately. I've always gotten on really well with them and they're lovely. I guess they just didn't think and haven't realise that I might think it a bit odd!

In your case, though it sounds like they are being totally U and v v v rude. I think your DH needs to have a loud and serious word on your behalf.

I like leoni's idea. I'm vengeful too.

I was going to namechange for this - but I wont [defiant].

My MIL died almost 15 years ago,she didnt like me at all,made it clear from the start.

Its never been brought up,Nanny has been made into some sort of Icon as a wonderful person etc ,our 3 dc who only one of them really knew her have held her in high esteem all their life.

Dh and I are not getting on well.

Dh said in a moment of fury even my mum didnt like you,she said you were like a dog from the dogs home.

unfortunately he said this in front of ds1.

image shattered kids arent daft.

I would be sad and hurt what horrid people, like others have suggested, I would complie a collage of you, dd and your dh and send it to the ILs, and your husbands family. On the title put Our lovely little family of THREE!!!!!!!!!!! When your dc is born change it to FOUR!!!!!!!

Sorry FIVE!!!!!! forget your are expecting twins

good idea leoni

How mean.

Do they do email? Can you email them to ask for electronic copies of the photos they took that day and ask for the ones they took of you too? You could frame it really innocently and cc in dh.

I wouldn't even mention the stupid collage. If they ask, look absent minded and say 'oh, yes, I forgot about that, haven't seen it since it arrived, dh did you put it somewhere?'. Launch it into the bin right now.

Not nice I know.

My ex-MIL lives abroad as does ex-p. I went to visit with ds when he was 2 yo. Their fathers day falls on our mothers day. Ex-mil offered to have ds for the night day before so I can go out. Great (seeing old friends) and say I'll get him next morning. She says ah no Ive booked a table at (fave restaurent) for fathers day, think it would be lovely for for ex-pto celebrate it. I mention its also mothers day. She replies 'yes I know' (I have raised ds alone since ex-p walked out at 13mths - no maintenence etc)

SIL did buy me a mothers day card tho which was very kind.

I do just think that my ex-MIL doesn't think and of course HER son is HER priority and I'm ds mum but HE's his dad.

I would say something tbh not confrontational but that means they have to explain themselves. perhaps ' thanks for the collage, what was wrong with the photos of me then?'

YADNBU btw.

I'd go for something along the lines of 'Thanks for the collage but it seems very rude to leave me out of it entirely - did you mean it to be so rude?' V important to say this really nicely and with a smile on your face. If they say no then you have embarrassed them and made it clear you know what game they are playing. If they say yes then you are quite within your rights to point out that if they're not going to make an effort to be nice to you then why should you bother with them? Either way, you've made it clear that you are a part of your family and won't tolerate being left out on purpose.

YANBU. This is very childish nasty behaviour on their part.

Send them a massive collage of you with more you and make your DH present it to them.

My MIL cut me out of one of my own wedding photos. There was one of me and DH and SIL had nipped in and put her head on DH's shoulder. It wasn't a convincing pic as DH had been leaning in toward me and you could see part of my veil sticking out of his head. She had it as pride of the mantlepiece and it always grated on me when I saw it

:o oldraver

God oldraver sorry! I meant obviously, not the inane grin

That's awful!

I would definitely make your own with all of you on and display it somewhere prominent. If the IL's ask where their one is just say that they were lovely photos but you wanted one done that had everyone on. IL's sound vile btw. They have obviously tried to upset you so don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they have.

If my ILs were like this I would have cut them out of our lives long ago. I really think your DH should be acting as a buffer between you and his family and any awkward conversations that need to be had should be had by him.I would hope that he is telling his family that their behaviour towards you is unacceptable and if it comes to a choice, then he will choose you. Personally, I would just tell my DH that they were no longer welcome in the house. I don't think it is in the best interests of your DC to spend time with people who are hostile towards their mother.