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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little annoyed by some of the sleep threads?

59 replies

Muffinhuffin · 25/08/2010 20:59

...and I don't mean the ones from nickytwotimes and others like her.

I am prepared for a flaming Grin

I mean the ones like

My baby is 6/7/8 weeks old and wakes up every two hours for a night feed

My baby is 6/7/8 weeks old and won't go to sleep unless I am cuddling him/her

I am doing controlled crying for my 6/7/8 etc week old baby but its not working

Is 6/7/8 weeks etc too early to put my baby in his / her own room

And so on.

I have three dc's and none of them slept through the night nor did I expect them too. My youngest is 5mo and wakes three or four times sometimes for a feed and a cuddle. I often read these threads and feel sad for the babies who parents are clearly expecting then to sleep through from a ridiculously early age and then come on mn wanting quick fix solutions when their baby won't sleep through.

I am not knocking people who want advice it's just that some of the threads seem a little, well, selfish, especially if the baby is only few weeks old.

Bring on the flaming arrows Smile

OP posts:
Giddyup · 25/08/2010 21:39

ah thread had moved on massively by the time I posted.

Habbibu · 25/08/2010 21:41

"I will be pretty upset if I am still getting up with DC2 every 2 hours at 2 months or I am still getting up numerous times in the night at 5 or 6 months because my experience with DS has been otherwise."

Welcome to my world. ds has been an education after dd...

Fizzywinelover · 25/08/2010 21:42

Muffin, that is how I read your post originally, then saw at 21.18 what you meant, and agree with what you say in that one, which is what i then said.

So, maybe unfair of me to jump down your throat, and am sorry for that. Can you tell i am sleep deprived right now?

Original poster
Muffinhuffin · 25/08/2010 21:45

Sorry fizzy cross posts. Smile

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 25/08/2010 21:47

YABU

If you think they have unrealistic expectations then you can gently tell them that on the relevant threads.

This thread seems to basically be saying 'I used to be a precious parent but I soon learned, and now I want others not to be precious from day one'.

Everybody else has learned the same way you have, through experience.

THis forum is primarily for support and advice from people who may have been through what you've been through. I'd like to hope I could ask for advice without somebody trying to turn it into a book-based agenda.

Fizzywinelover · 25/08/2010 21:50

No probs Muffin I am a bit punchy today, sorry. Been a really bad couple of days for me (baby is 7 weeks). I cannot understand how I can love my baby so much, but still feel so utterly fucking useless with him.

Giddyup · 25/08/2010 21:52

Habbibu I know! I know I fully expect this one to scream until its 4 to make up for flukey DS being as lazy as me.
I'm not being smug... just a bit scared!

Habbibu · 25/08/2010 21:58

Oh, no, I know, giddy. Might all be fine, you know.

Casmama · 25/08/2010 22:00

I agree with Morris. YABU to have a problem with people having unrealistic expectations of parenthood- most people do. People soon learn. If you want to express your opionion do so on the thread or ignore it but to start a thread about it is just strange.

happysunshinedays · 25/08/2010 22:05

Fizzy, you just took me back 4 1/2 years. Felt so useless because this little baby who I would lay down my life for a thousand times over was miserable and I couldn't seem to make her happy. I would honestly describe the first 3 months of my first DD as harrowing. Now I have a very happy, bright, kind and gorgeous 4 year old and her 23 month old little sister (yes I did it again!)

I feel very lucky and as if I actually did do plenty right after all!

Sorry Muffin. Deviating!!

sweetkitty · 25/08/2010 22:05

Totally agree with you OP

I have a 4mo and no doubt he will be up at least 4 times tonight for a feed and a cuddle, yes it's tiring but it's not forever, I'm not going to force him to go without it, he's 4 months old, he's not playing up he doesn't know how to.

Fizzywinelover · 25/08/2010 22:13

Thanks Happy. Makes me feel hopeful.

LackingInspiration · 25/08/2010 22:14

Well if the OP is anything like me, it's the stupid culture we live in; the books shoved down our throats; and the depiction of babies in the media she's cross about - not the parents themselves.

The best books are the ones by people like Deborah Jackson and Sheila Kitzinger who basically say 'listen to your baby and, so long as it harms no one, do what is right for you and your family'. But the bestselling books don't say that; and popular culture and the legacy of the strict routines from the Victorian age through to the 50s mean people expect babies to be behaving like mini adults far too young.

It's different when an new mum comes on here saying 'please tell me it gets better, and how to cope until it does' than when a mum says 'my baby's not sleeping through, how can I make it?'. The first is to be expected; the second is saddening and infuriating - not because the poor mum is worrying about it herself, but because she's been so misled about what is normal with babies, and that it's possible to change it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/08/2010 22:15

Muffin YANBU.

It is all part of the general idea that parents, and I think especially mothers, should be fully functioning, 'back to normal' asap. People who say 'oh yes I was ironing and cooking a roast for 12 people the day after I came out of hospital', are the same people who look at you pityingly when your 2 month old isn't sleeping through.

Fizzy - I think we've all felt like that! I promise it gets better, and you will suddenly realise one day that you do feel like a competent mother and that you trust your own judgement. :)

Fizzywinelover · 25/08/2010 22:18

Yes, and my Dh has been told by someone (I have no idea WHO, and i would kill them if i did know) that babies 'start sleeping through at 6 weeks' and he is SO pissed off because ours isn't at 7 weeks, nearly 8 weeks. He seems to think the baby is not to 'spite us'.

So, he insists on getting up every second night to do his share, but the swears at the baby, and calls him a 'little fuck' and all that, and that upsets me more than anything, but if i say i will get up and do it, he freaks at me. WHO told him thast babies sleep thru at 6 weeks? And what the fuck is going to happen when our baby is teething, or a toddler?

i cannot bear it, really.

LackingInspiration · 25/08/2010 22:20

OMG, Fizzy! Sad I don't know what to say to that - made me so sad to read it Sad.

Can you show him this thread (with your last message blanked out somehow)? Make him realise your baby is totally normal and not going to be sleeping like a 6yo at only 6 weeks!

Fizzywinelover · 25/08/2010 22:26

I have been purposely leaving alot of the sleep threads open on his computer, hoping he would read them.

But I do not know what to do, really. Tonight is not my night 'on' nd it makes me so much more tense and worried than if it was my turn. I try and stay up late so i can 'catch' one of the wakings if you know what I mean.

He will not harm or hurt the baby, and loves him in his own way, but I just do not know what to do about his expectations. Mainly, that nothing would change, and it would be easy.

I am hijacking, sorry Muffin.

Actually, i am heading for bed right now.

will stop hijacking. Sorry Muffin again.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/08/2010 22:34

Fizzy there is a great book that my DH had when DS was tiny, let me find the link for you. It is aimed at first-time fathers, written by a father, and it's all about setting correct expectations.

I think I would stab my DH if he spoke to DS like that :(

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/08/2010 22:41

here

My DS did not sleep through until he was over 18 months old. Your DH has to realise that it is VERY unusual for babies to sleep through so early.

ProzacTheGiggleFairy · 25/08/2010 23:00

Oh dear. DS1 has never slept through the night fully and he is 11 years old now.

Original poster
Muffinhuffin · 26/08/2010 07:00

fizzy if it's any consolation, my dh was like that with ds1. He really didn't understand why he wasn't sleeping through when all of our friends babies were. This was until he read some research regarding the importance of roomsharing and giving a very young baby night feeds (something to do with keeping blood sugar levels stable which could reduce risks of SIDS). I think some men generally have low tolerance of very young babies and only really start to appreciate them when they more interactive.

OP posts:
mamaloco · 26/08/2010 07:20

YABU. OP do you remember how YOU were with your 1st DC at 6/7/8 weeks? may be you already had experience of NB or a lot of familly support.
Some people have no support no familly nearby and no clue about NB at all, why can't they ask advice on MN? I thought the site was designed exactely for that Wink.

TheFowlAndThePussycat · 26/08/2010 07:31

I think yab a bit u. It's all very well to know 'intellectually' that you are not going to get any sleep but how many 30 something adults have actually experienced waking every two hours every single night. You don't have any idea of what it's really like until you are in it. (speaking as someone whose dd2 was still waking 5 times a night at 11 months). And pretty much nobody mentions that new born babies don't sleep in their beds so you won't be able to move or do anything else! It's not a surprise that people are sick of it by 6 weeks & then if they have been exposed to silly people books that claim you can train your baby they start to feel they have failed. The only thing that made me feel better at this stage was knowing that other people were going through exactly the same thing. Enter mumsnet!

Fizz, I'm sorry about how miserable your dh is, and how miserable it's making you, I'm sure he must have some friends with children who haven't slept through, I jus think people don't mention it until asked. Maybe if he asks around he might get a more realistic picture.

mummytime · 26/08/2010 07:49

I would definitely suggest sounding out other Dads you know, to take your DH out for a drink and swap horror stories. Especially if your DH isn't a great reader.

Or share some cartoons like this with him offthemark.com/search-results/key/sleep+deprivation/
And ask him why he thinks there are so many jokes about parents lack of sleep.

I'd also like to mention my old friend Christopher Green, who kept me sane when my kids were little. "No child in a house with bread and jam in it will starve." That quote has kept me going for years.

hillee · 26/08/2010 07:52

YANBU and yet at the same time YABU

I agree that many people have unrealistic expectations about those first few weeks with a baby, and yes, they aren't going to sleep through at first. Yes you will be tired, and yes, your DH/DP will probably not even stir when they cry.

That being said, I think it is a little unfair to set people up to think this is what is absolutely going to happen. Lots of people have babies who sleep. What happened to having a positive attitude?

In my experience, babies do sleep in their beds, and in their own rooms, and no massive harm appears to have come to them. I don't think it's about 'training a baby' or having unrealistic expectations, I just firmly believe in the 'start as you mean to go on' approach.

I guess it just depends on which way you look at it.