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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm trying to keep out of it but ... !!!

34 replies

ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 13:38

Bloody DSD's stupid fecking mother.

DSD lives with us and is supposed to see her mother every fortnight. Her mother doesn't work and spends every waking hour on facebook. Despite the fact that she has sod all better to do, she still doesn't arrange to pick DSD up until 11am and THEN texts EVERY TIME saying she's slept in/forgot and will pick her up at 1pm - she then turns up about 2pm.

This is really a regular thing and she only bothers turning up at all if DP reminds her that its 'her weekend' (as if she should need reminding to see her own ffing kid). Anyway after a stupid fiasco a few weeks ago where she said she'd be here at 11am (so dsd gets ready for 11) she turned up at 2.40pm and then brought her back at 4pm - DP said he would no longer text her to remind her and would basically pass the responsibilty back to her (DSD hates going anyway so she was all up for this).

4 weeks went by and we heard NOTHING from the woman. Then last night DSD got a text saying "why havn't you or your dad been in contact with me about seeing you? its been 4 weeks and I'm not happy". DP asked me what he should do Hmm so I used his phone to text back "it is not my responsibility to organise your contact with DD, from now on, organise it with her, not me". DP tells me this is what he wanted me to put but couldn't think of the right words Hmm

So she sent a text back saying "fine! I'm having her tomorow, I'll pick her up at 11am". So I sent a text back as DP saying "organise it with her please."

So DSD is ready for 11am this morning - 12pm comes and goes - 1pm comes and goes - I then got a text off DP saying "she's coming for her tomorow now instead". He'd text her whilst he was at work which totally devalues the texts I sent about taking responsibility for herself and apart from that, DSD has had another day wasted waiting around for her stupid mother!!!

AIBU in wanting to say something??

OP posts:
cupcakesandbunting · 25/08/2010 13:41

YANBU and I feel very :( for your DSD. Her mother sounds like a right cunt delightful woman.

silverfrog · 25/08/2010 13:41

first of all, how old id DSD? is it reasonable for contact to be organised through her? and does she want this? who would help shield her form the late ick-ups, etc, if you are not helping?

secondly, if, by wanting to say something, you are meaning to your DP, about having a consistent approach to his ex, then no, YANBU.

if you mean to DP's ex, then yes, YABU, getting involved now willnot help things.

sorrento56 · 25/08/2010 13:46

YANBU.

Your poor SDD. She is the most important person here and that should be remembered.

moomoo1967 · 25/08/2010 13:47

I would certainly WANT to say something but I don't think it would actually help the situation. Your poor DSD

colditz · 25/08/2010 13:47

Hmmm. How about telling your DSD that if her mother isn't picking her up within an hour of the arranged time, you will consider her a no show and do something else?

Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 13:48

Its just stupid, the whole thing. Why the hell do you need "reminding" that its your weekend to see your own child???

DP said to me "I'm not going to text her anymore, if she wants her, she can organise it herself" then he gets me to send well worded texts explaining this to her - and then texts her behind my back again which has just played right into her hands!!!

DSD hates seeing her mother at all and would much rather break contact. She's nearly 14.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/08/2010 13:48

Agree with what everyone else has said, I am curious though, why text? What is wrong with actual talking. Nuances can't be readily texted or used.

MyMamaToldMe · 25/08/2010 13:50

YANBU. Poor DSD. Nothing like feeling wanted and loved by your own Mother. Sad

colditz · 25/08/2010 13:50

I would also do a one off solicitor's letter, stating that 48 hours notice must be given of intended access, that access will be fortnightly, and that if the access arrangement is not met at the agreed time or within one hour of the agreed time, it will be considered a no show and will not be replaced or re-offered until the next agreed fortnightly access visit.

colditz · 25/08/2010 13:51

Oh, and at your Sd's age I would be discussing this with her and asking her if she's happy for you and her dad to go ahead and do this.

sorrento56 · 25/08/2010 13:52

My mother couldn't be bothered to see me as often as she was meant too either. She now has no contact with me or my children and I will never have anything to do with her.

diddl · 25/08/2010 13:53

If she misses a visit, does a "replacement" have to be arranged?

Can´t she wait until she´s next due a visit?

If she´s say more than half an hour late, why shouldn´t the visit be cancelled?

It doesn´t seem as if the mother is any more interested in seeing her daughter than her daughter is in seeing her.

Why is the mother´s behaviour being tolerated?

Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 13:54

Well unfortunately DP has no balls and will not confront the woman and wouldn't dream of taking legal action - or even threatning it. He'd much rather see DSD treated like this than risk a fall out with the mad woman.

He panicks like mad when I text her as if he'd frightened to death of what her reply will be. He even refuses to look sometimes. Its absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 25/08/2010 13:54

I think you and your dp need to sit down and talk to dsd and ask her really what she would liek to do with regarding contact seeing her mother.

How far away does the mother live from your family home and could dsd go on the bus?? As i woudl suggest dsd is given return fair and told she can turn up if she wants at correct time and if she does n't want to visit then she doesn't have to. Then texts come in say she didn't want to come if she hasn't turned up.

This woman seems to be off loading her responsability all the time onto other people - instead of taking responsability for her own actions.

Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 14:01

The mother lives with a bloke (in his parents house Hmm ) and DSD hates him and refuses to go anywhere near him. She doesn't take her back to the house, she drags her around shops and then brings her back a few hours later, absolutely pointless.

DSD has already begged asked for contact to be cut but as soon as the woman gets wind of it, she texts DP and threatens to go for residency, DP panics and in turn, forces DSD to keep up contact. Honestly, the whole thing is stupid. Absolute freak show.

OP posts:
colditz · 25/08/2010 14:03

You need a residency order, but at your Sd's age all she really needs to say in court is "I don't want to live with my mother, I like living with my father" and it'll be upheld.

cupcakesandbunting · 25/08/2010 14:03

I disagree that the OP shouldn't get directly involved by speaking to the mother. DSD is living with the OP, OP is one of her two primary care-givers. She has every bloody right to take this woman to task about being such a dick. Sounds like her DH is a bit pussy-whipped (really sorry, my laguage is vile today :(). OP sounds like a reasonable woman. If it were me, I'd be banging her door off the hinges and calling her names, like the grown-up I obviously am.

sanielle · 25/08/2010 14:05

Can't a 14 year old choose who she lives with and who visits her? surely her mum can't take her is dsd doesn't want to go?

She sounds like a bitch yanbu. Hope you sort it out

Amanderrr · 25/08/2010 14:10

You're not being unreasonable in thinking that DSDs mother should be able to remember when she's supposed to be seeing her daughter.

However, I don't think you should have sent the texts under your DHs name. You should be straight down the line with his ex wife and either he writes and sends his own texts or you do it and let her know it's you.

Saying that your DH sent a text "behind your back" is nonsense. He is your DSDs father and he should be in contact with his ex wife about issues concerning their daughter. Besides, he didn't hide it from you. He told you that he'd sent her a text today.

It's a waste of time getting het up about todays events. Perhaps it's time for your DSD, DH and his ex wife to meet up face to face and work out (And write down) which dates DSD and ex wife will see each other. If your DSD doesn't want to see her then she should be honest about this. DSD should also explain that it's upsetting when her mother doesn't turn up as arranged and that she must phone and tell her in advance if she's going to be late or not turn up.

I know it's easier said than done, especially as DSD lives with you, but I think you need to step back and let you DH and DSD deal with her mother and just be supportive when/if things go wrong.

Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 14:11

She is a selfish, immature bitch. Honestly. And she has had DP wrapped around her little finger for years and thats why now, one word from her about the courts and he backs down with his tail between his legs. It makes me so angry.

And from a purely selfish point of view, DP is at work so when her mother doesn't turn up its me left looking after her (and she does reqauire looking after, she's been treated like a toddler for years and can't do anything for herself, can't even scramble eggs). One saturday I had shit loads of college work to do, I'd had the whole day planned out. My DC's were going to their father's, DSD was going to her mother's - I'd get my work done and then get a nice relaxing bath in peace. Guess who didn't get picked up? But DP doesn't give a shit about me or DSD, as long as he has an easy life. He lets her get away with murder.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 14:13

I'm all for them meeting face to face to sort this out but all 3 of them refuse! honestly it's like dealing with 3 little kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 14:15

A few weeks ago she was supposed to turn up at 11am. At 12pm she had still not arrived so I went on facebook and guess who was online!! So I sent her a message saying "I thought you were picking DSD up at 11am???" and she replied "oh god! I totally forgot, I got talking to a bloke on here, I'll set off now" Hmm ffs nice to see what priorities she holds.

OP posts:
sanielle · 25/08/2010 14:20

SOunds like Dp is more the problem than this woman (although she sounds like a right twat)cause he is the one you are choosing to be with.

Maybe you need to set some ground rules, non negotiable ones. He should listen to you over her anyday.

Original poster
ForestryTrees · 25/08/2010 14:24

I don't suppose I should care Sanielle, I'm hoping to leave soon anyway. I just hate to see DSD treated like this in the meantime and to see a 6ft bloke being terrified of a 5ft 2in manipulative bitch really pisses me off. I'm trying to take a back seat, I really am but its so frustrating.

OP posts:
sanielle · 25/08/2010 14:27

Shit situation then FT. Maybe do some research and find out legally what dsd's rights are. I suspect she doesn't have to see her mother and that her mother can't get rights to her if that is the case. And then arm your dsd with this information, if she has a weak willed father and a twat for a mother she needs to learn to fight her own battles early on. :(