I'm trying to keep out of it but ... !!!

[ForestryTrees]

Bloody DSD's stupid fecking mother.

DSD lives with us and is supposed to see her mother every fortnight. Her mother doesn't work and spends every waking hour on facebook. Despite the fact that she has sod all better to do, she still doesn't arrange to pick DSD up until 11am and THEN texts EVERY TIME saying she's slept in/forgot and will pick her up at 1pm - she then turns up about 2pm.

This is really a regular thing and she only bothers turning up at all if DP reminds her that its 'her weekend' (as if she should need reminding to see her own ffing kid). Anyway after a stupid fiasco a few weeks ago where she said she'd be here at 11am (so dsd gets ready for 11) she turned up at 2.40pm and then brought her back at 4pm - DP said he would no longer text her to remind her and would basically pass the responsibilty back to her (DSD hates going anyway so she was all up for this).

4 weeks went by and we heard NOTHING from the woman. Then last night DSD got a text saying "why havn't you or your dad been in contact with me about seeing you? its been 4 weeks and I'm not happy". DP asked me what he should do so I used his phone to text back "it is not my responsibility to organise your contact with DD, from now on, organise it with her, not me". DP tells me this is what he wanted me to put but couldn't think of the right words

So she sent a text back saying "fine! I'm having her tomorow, I'll pick her up at 11am". So I sent a text back as DP saying "organise it with her please."

So DSD is ready for 11am this morning - 12pm comes and goes - 1pm comes and goes - I then got a text off DP saying "she's coming for her tomorow now instead". He'd text her whilst he was at work which totally devalues the texts I sent about taking responsibility for herself and apart from that, DSD has had another day wasted waiting around for her stupid mother!!!

AIBU in wanting to say something??

Don't text, help dsd write a letter to her mum, stating what she would like to happen, and how she feels when she is messed about. I think that waiting for a short time for the mum to turn up and then if she doesn't, get on with something else is what you should do. All of you can't put your lives on hold for this woman, assuming there is no court order for contact. I don't think it would be unreasonable for dsd to tell her mum that if she doesn't turn up, she won't want to see her until the next fortnight. With any luck she will only have to see her occasionally as a result.

I think you should all get out of the habit of texting dsd's mum, and just let dsd tell her in the letter it will be on her terms from now on.

Perhaps she would want to see her mum if there was somewhere they could be together?

I'm being incredibly nosy here but what do you mean when you say you're "hoping to leave soon anyway"?

Get advice from a solicitor. Random threats from DSD's mother don't mean anything, and as DSD doesn't want to live with her mother, and - I assume - has lived with her father for many years, it's unlikely to the point of impossible that a court would grant residency to the mother. Take DSD to solicitor with you and DP, she is old enough to have a say.

FT - you are definitely NOT being unreasonable in wanting to say something, but I though you guys had agreed to live together but parent separately until June (I have got the right person haven't I??). If it is you, there has to be someway of moving out before June next year or you are going to have a melt down!!

Are you planning on leaving your DP then?

This poor girl. Her dad would rather see her go through this charade all the time than stand up to her feckless waste of space mother.

My mother left me when I was 4 and still wants nothing to do with me. I have no problem telling people they don't have to bother with fuckwit parents who don't give a toss. This woman clearly doesn't give a damn about her DD. The fact the she refuses to go near the mothers DP rings bells for me too.

The mother wouldn't be able to get residency. DSD is old enough to decide who she wants to live with. A court would not force her to live with the mother when she says she doesn't want to. Also, would the mother go through with that? She clearly doesn't give a toss about her DD, so my guess is that its an empty threat.

If your DSD wants to stop all contact, I would get your spineless DP to tell the mother not to bother as her DD isn't interested in her sporadic interest anymore.

Sounds like a bloody nightmare.

BTW YANBU, if your DP won't do something about it, I think you should take matters into your own hands. Ultimately you are the main one caring for your DSD so you should have a say in what happens.

I really don't see why she shouldn't cut contact. 14 is old enough, IIRC at that age it's a case-by-case basis? at least it was, my DH's parents divorced and he was deemed mature enough to make the decision himself (thank goodness - abusive mother) anyway I really doubt that she would win custody - surely you'd only have to tell them how pathetic she's been with visits? can you start keeping facebook convos and txts just in case?

your DP sounds like a spineless dweeb but I must say your DSD is so lucky to live with you and not such an uncaring mother :(

Forestrytrees,

My god, you're more of a mother to dsd than dsds' mother is! You would make a great mother one day - I think you should find yourself a better boyfriend - you deserve better!!

Put yourself first, it's your life after all!!

given that she cant be arsed to turn up to collect her daughter do you really think she is going to take the matter to Court?