Paying One's Way?

[Chatelaine]

If family come to stay with you (we live in a holiday resort) aibu in being dismayed when they do not volunteer to pay for the car parks when they have been chauffeured around to events/town centres? This happens a lot to us and it is dawning on us that we are mugs! We love our extended family and having them to visit but this sort of thing is grating on me now.

yanbu that's just plain good manners! are they paying for accommodation etc? food?

even if I just go out for lunch with my friend (she has a car, we don't) I usually pay for the car park - she's paid for all the petrol getting up here so it's the least I could do!

YANBU. honestly, guests should always recognise the hospitality & take you out for meal/pay car park/ice creams while out. And certainly help out with washing up/tidying. But not much you can do if it's lovely family and you don't want to rock things. What if you went out in their car, still expect you to pay??! What happens when you stay with them?

No they don't pay for their accommodation! I think I need to find ways of suggesting they have change with them before we set off, but I do find this a bit awkward for some reason. Help!

We always pay our way, it's second nature to offer something in return for hospitality and was the way I was brought up and this is what upsets me, they have had a similar example but now seem happy to take advantage. I know I am being a bit wet about this but I really find it difficult to stop them taking advantage.

I think the question of how well off you are and how well off your relatives are has a bearing on what is reasonable here, eg (touch wood!) I am currently in a good job, and if my aunt who is a pensioner and reliant on benefits came to stay, I would not expect her to volunteer any money for car parking, and would turn her down if she did. Does forking out for car parking put a strain on your budget, or is it more the principle of the thing?

This is tricky as there are few options for doing anything tactfully.
If you manage to engineer them paying for one parking situation, "by stealth", as it were it doesn't solve the long term problem.
You either:
a) be up front and say - "would you mind contributing to parking/some shopping/meals out"
OR
b) You say nothing and start resenting them more and more.

Maybe they simply have not thought about it - although it seems unlikely. I agree that this could be a minefield though.

If I had invited family to stay it wouldn't occur to me to expect them to chip in.

Madamearcati - Chatelaine didn't say she had invited them - maybe they invite themselves as she lives in a holiday resort?
Anyway, invited or not, I would never stay with anyone and not offer to pay for shopping/parking/buy hosts a meal out etc.
Hosts are at liberty to refuse if they have the means to cope financially.

They do have the expectation of being able to stay and we enjoy ourselves together. I think as Mowiol says because I have said nothing this is leading to resentment building in me, which is of course such a negative feeling. They are not badly off and after all get everything provided. They make a big deal of choosing a piece of meat and paying for it. Then I cook it and provide everything else that goes with it Thanks for the advice, I just need to be matter of fact about it, I feel miffed that they don't pick up on this in the first place though! I feel better for the gripe as I feel a bit taken for granted at the moment but it will pass.

If they come often, and sort of invite themselves because yours in a nice place to have a mini-break, then they definitely need to be contributing. If you go out, as you are parking say 'oh, can you hop out and get the ticket while I park?' and at some other point, say 'the thing is we live here all the time so we can't afford to live as if we are on holiday all year round!

If you have taken the initiative and invited them, then if they contribute, that is an added bonus.

If I'm given a lift anywhere, I always offer to pay for the car-parking, although it's often refused.

That said, I wouldn't expect it of others.

If I had guests to stay and was covering the cost of all food etc I would expect them to contribute something, maybe wine, pay for everyone to get in on a day out, or treat us to an end of stay meal out.

If they are buying expensive food as a contribution to the meals you produce, they probably feel they are contributing though.

As the host, I would expect to provide more than the guests - not fair if you're always the host, but the way of the world.

I feel your pain OP, i've been in this situation.

I think you have to be brave and drop some hints. For each of them is once a year and maybe they dont think of it. But for you, if you have 4-5 couples/families a year thats 5 times of running hotel in a year.

Also, it depends if those who visit you would be keen to see you if you lived in a less desirable place? To me thats the big difference. I'm happy to have people i love and know they want to see us but there are few that i know they like the place and not us.

It is tempting to move to a tiny flat and tell everybody 'NO SPACE'

laquitar - You have described it exactly! and I'm laughing about it now Thanks for that.

I feel your pain.

We provide accomadation at peak season along with three meals a day plus snacks, calpol & emery boards along with booze and lifts to here, there and everywhere. We do enjoy the company of some relatives & friends more then others but the resentment is starting to build and we are saying no and encouraging all in one go visits rather then the constant trickle we've had some years.

With pregnency & small children there just is n't enough spare energy for other peoples holidays and it's aways the little thing that breaks us
'Have you run out of tonic?'
'We seem to be out cheerios'- well your kids tipped most of them on the floor.

Schools back next week/week after and then we'll reclaim our beaches

We do provide all the little services such as forgotten toiletries and DH will cheerfully mend things, sandal straps, punching holes in belts,laptop/car problems, you name it. Sorry if this sounds as if I am having a real go at this, but I am finding it quite liberating getting it off my chest. I really find it hard to be firm with family, yet in other spheres of my life I would not take this at all. My parents were always big providers and I think we have been cast into the role of filling their shoes now that these relatives come more frequently, I am finding that I don't particularly like them as people, when as before we would see each other at big family events and be pleased with each other. It's inevitably complicated as there are young children involved, and our generation benefitted hugely from family gatherings/houseparties and some of us make the effort for the younger generation and their children iyswim but they seem so unappreciative.

bobdog - a recent example whilst playing cards, "do you have any interesting snacks?" We had enjoyed a four course meal and there were crisps left on coffee tables.

My family has always lived in 'desirable to holiday' in places.

When I moved away from them, my parents would stay in hotel or bring gallons of wine when they visited me, when I visited them I would take advantage be a gracious guest but always took them for one meal out and bought wine to re-pay the extra money/work involved in me, DP and DPs kids staying with them for a week!

Now we are back near my parents and DPs (very large) family are the visitors, we get a mixture. Most don't come more than once a year, if that, when they do we don't 'expect' anything at all but usually they contribute in some way: helping out round the house, giving cash, doing a shop, buying us a nice present that they know we want.

Re car parks, I am a non-driver and never used to consider the costs when being driven somewhere. Eventually my sis pointed out, in a very nice way, that if she was using her car to drive us both to somewhere we both wanted to go I could pay the parking , now it is something I always offer or just do.

Yes! Yes! to the snacks (leaping up in an excited Tom Cruise manner)

I think it's the relaxed holiday manner crashing head first into the everyday 365 times a year reality.

Did consider recommending some lovely campsites / pub with rooms an hour away 'so you can see a bit further down the coast' but this generally backfires because if they're not fully booked you spend the 24 hour break cleaning the house, ignoring your children and queueing at the suppermarket whilst entire holidaying families debate the biscuit aisle.

Thank you all for identifying with the core sentiment of my OP. I know it's silly in some respects to give this time, & my resentment of their behaviour given other people's/world problems. But it does make me feel better to share the experience.

Hello Chatelaine, It sounds to me as if you might be experiencing the little known "chateau curse", you might want to read this extract from my personal research on the subject.

Numerous side effects include;

• increased propensity to welcome friends and family for prolonged stays;

-increased propensity from friends and family to come and stay; -increased amount of domestic tasks to complete;

• lack of awareness from guest that said tasks require efforts and time from you / your Help if any;
• severe inflation of food, heating, water, etc. bills;
• in guests, increased feeling of entitlement and expectations levels regarding quality of meals and beverages, entertainments and facilities;
• significant decrease in relaxing time available to you personally, this include time available to actually enjoy having guests;
• feeling of strain as you are both dealing with the above and constantly striving toward a high overall stay satisfaction from your guests.

If you are experiencing most of the above, you might be experiencing the dreaded "chateau curse", be under severe stress and, what's more, you might be running a hotel without realising it.

If you would rather not consider charging your guests for the 5* services they expect, you are perfectly entitled to; mention the words "share the work" and " share the food shopping" whilst arranging stays, not buy two trolleys of food before guests arrivals but send guests to the supermarket on day 3, when you run out; be totally devoid of change for car parks, ice-creams rounds, coffee stops, etc.; mention regularly how much you enjoyed being taken for a meal out by so and so, "who only stayed three days", and so on.

The "chateau curse' is very seldom spoken about because sufferers are usually accommodating and gracious hosts whom are delighted that guests would come aaaall this way to visit them. They feel fortunate to be in a position to be so welcoming. They are often puzzled at how to explain comically rude behaviour. They could never entertain the idea that their guests might be a tiny wincy bit envious and that the increased level of expectations and entitlement might, in fact, be a passive/aggressive way to manifest it.

Painful, but true, IMO.

Hello catherinedenerve, thankyou for your gracious post. I shall print your wisdom and place near the calender so that when next year's holiday bookings start pouring in I shall have th strength to say no.

PS I am on the verge of asking you to stay, I think I love you, but will try to stay strong.

catherinedenerve- Thank you for your comments, it sums it up.

I love your nickname by the way Chatelaine - used to rather fancy myself in that role but after your post maybe not!!
Seriously though, I hope you find the "inner steel" to sort this out.
You are clearly a very hospitable lady (can I come and visit too?) but guests often don't realise they are only the latest in a long line of people with the same idea. You have therefore ended up as the family members who end up accomodating all of the rest of the family.

Hello Bobdog,
You are so kind. I am so flattered by your comments and glad if it means that years of study haven't been in vain!
Do you do lifts to/from airports/train stations? They are a killer.
Provide a packing and posting service for forgotten items?
You mention calpol and emery boards but not books, most guests enjoy a nice read. (but haven't necessarily finished it before they leave)
"Have you run out of tonic" indeed!
There is also; "Which way to the cellar? I'm sure I can find something better."
And; "Was that -name of host's young child- an hour after we went to bed?" (what else could it be)
And; "Can't believe the prices in that shop, so I bought the smallest jar." (Of nutella. For 7 children. After swimming)
And my all times favourite;" Charlie/Sophie won't eat that."
And so much more...
I do feel this thread has opened a personal Pandora's box.
I love it.