Paying One's Way?

[Chatelaine]

If family come to stay with you (we live in a holiday resort) aibu in being dismayed when they do not volunteer to pay for the car parks when they have been chauffeured around to events/town centres? This happens a lot to us and it is dawning on us that we are mugs! We love our extended family and having them to visit but this sort of thing is grating on me now.

"...their guests might be a tiny wincy bit envious and that the increased level of expectations and entitlement might, in fact, be a passive/aggressive way to manifest it."

So so true.

I think that you need to be brisk and upfront, Chatelaine. As in "I'll drive us into town if you don't mind covering the parking", said with a smile.

I feel your pain. We live in Oz so are supposed to be so totally delighted that people have come SO FAR that we would just love to put our lives on hold to make sure their holiday of a lifetime goes without a hitch. Why hire a car when your hosts can drive you, buying food - no need, it's inclusive, booze ditto. Cleaning - well you have to do it at home so of course you wouldn't be expected to do it while you're on your holdays, and of course our (older) children would just adore spending their school holidays entertaining a couple of toddlers, why wouldn't they.

My response to hearing about proposed vists now is a uniform "how lovely, where will you be staying? We must meet up at some point."

The emery board has happened twice now, 'guests' lounging around garden in deckchairs, I struggle out with heavy tray with tea, coffee, water, Juice (but not apple for dear little Charlie) and just milk for Sophie to be greated with this trivial request. So back I go round the 'Chateau' (the kitchen door and the garden aren't close) up two flights of stairs fetch the damm thing. My nails are terrible but it does keep me fit.

For us it is the end of the holiday season so time to breathe out and relax. We do enjoy sitting around and chatting but now we have children I find the burden is upon me since DP generally has to work.

My PIL asked if we were going away this summer and I fudged round it but basically small children, money and we live in a beautiful place mean that staying at home is quite attractive. Also I now know I do not want to impose upon people no matter how good/entertaing a person I think I am.

The PIL rarely go anywhere that involves paying for accomadation but instead travel to France & Dubai every year and call on friends of the children for places not covered by their own circle .

It was suggested we make use of the Chateau in Cognac and the the holiday home on the Ille de Re on the grounds that the PIL 'do a lot for them' which generally consists of fixing a lawnmower or changing a tap washerduring there week long during high season stay. Chateau Curse indeed [Grin]

Watch out sunnydelight we're all heading your way to get some winter sun...

OP I feel for you. When we lived in London, my FIL came to stay without MIL. DH went to Kings cross to meet his train, paid his fare back to Essex, we then accommodated him for four days, including paying his fares to the Dome, on the boat to get to the dome etc etc. FIL did not once, and I mean once offer to pay for anything. Recently he came to Switzerland to see us, DH was at work so me and DD took tosspot FIL out a couple of times. Things came to a head when I'd driven up a mountain pass in the snow to get to a monastry he wanted to see. I only had a 100 franc note and the parking was a franc coin. I asked DD if she had any money knowing full well she didn't. then made pointed comments about not wanting to buy something I didn't need just to get change. FIL stood with his hands in his pockets rattling his change and commented about what a nuisance it was when you had to do that. DD (7 at the time) asked her GD for the money, he said he didn't think he had it. Cheeky cunt. In a fit of pique I said we had better go home then. He still didn't get the hint.

That was very contradictory, we did live in London but it was classed as Essex. And my FIL is still a cunt and DH seems surprised that I am less than keen on him visiting us in Belgium.

Well, what a Pandora's Box indeed! This is so therapeutic Thanks so very much everyone. This has had a gradual build up over the last few years, and yes, it is made up of all the little things and sometimes not so little. After helping SIL with a poorly toddler, clearing up the sick, changing the bedding which was not a problem at all, I was told to bin the duvet, no offer of a replacement and none materialized. It's interesting that we do see a lot more of some relatives now that we live in a holiday resort than we did before when we lived nearer to them. Human nature I suppose. This is giving me strength to put some requests off. Recently I was rather taken aback when a SIL asked to come, when I said we would be away ourselves her attitude was, well could they have the place to themselves, she sounded so excited! On the face of it, it sounded almost reasonable and I was in two minds as how to respond. I was quite annoyed as I was aware how this would set a precedent so I did point out that in that case we could leave our beloved, farty old dog behind in their care, knowing full well she would not go for that

I love the "chateau curse" by the way, top marks for that!

'it's ineresting that we do see a lot more of some relatives now that we live in a holiday resort..'.

Oh yes! I know what you mean. What pisses me off is when they say 'we 've missed you so much, thinking of visiting you this summer' when they didn't bother see you or call you before.

I remember telling my mum once 'tell everybody we 've got a job in Roumania, see if they are going to miss me then'

i think you need to have some things to do for yourselves when people are staying - ie, well, we have time to go out on xxx but other days we have yy and zzz to do, so you'll have to fend for yourselves. i can recommend a good car hire place if you want to get about alone!

i live in the US, and when i go home, my parents v kindly provide the 'hotel service' for me & even lend me a car, BUT they still get on with their lives & i buy in some food & help around the house. When i go to visit friends (and I rely on them putting me & dd up for a night) i ALWAYS arrive with wine/flowers/choc etc & off help with washing up.

i don't mind people using our house as a place to crash, but I'm not a tour operator, so they can take care of themselves.

Chatelaine,
This remind me of the summer we were awaiting BIL & family; a week before they were due to arrive, they casually mentioned that SIL' s half sister and her newborn,who live in NZ, would be joining their party. They were not making sure this was ok with us, just advising us that this is what was going to happen.
I had never met this person in my life and had then a baby of my own.
I felt a little put upon, but DH thought I needed to "relax" as the whole thing was "just nice" .
I could not possibly deprive DH of the joy of being with B and extended family so instead decided this was the ideal time to finally attend to some matters back in the UK, I took my 2 youngest and went.
DH did the driving, catering and hosting for 8 for the 2 weeks, including visits to doctors and "local" hospital as a translator, since of course, the baby being only days old, was unwell after traveling from NZ to Europe. Nothing that they wouldn't do for us, of course. He didn't do a lot of relaxing though.
But afterwards, it was quite nice to hear DH say " I know what you meant now".

Good call Sunnydelight.

Laquitar, how true.

Never mind, I got some nice gifts, I loved the tin jug (family of 5, 1 week over Christmas), and the Primarks knickers also (family of 4, 10 days in August, knew where to find our Hermes towels to go to Biarritz beach, so not totally label blind ).
Ok, I think I should stop now because some things are actually not worth remembering.
But I will keenly read everything anyone has to say and huff and puff on your behalf.

Bobdog, would you rent out your house on l'ile de re?

I think the solution is to be a lot less available. You do know that you are under no obligation to provide free holidays for ungrateful families and friends. Why worry about offending people who clearly don't care if they offend you.

Just tell them that it is not possible to have people stay and recommend a local hotel. There is nothing wrong in telling people that you do not find it relaxing and needa rest yourself, but that you would love to see them at some point during their visit.

(I appreciate that I am anti social and quite blunt, but I haven't had any annoying guests either this summer, so a result imo).

This evening my DH and I are going out on a prebooked event, for which tickets are still available. We did not suggest that any one interested could come along. See, I'm making progress [smile0

!

Well done Chatelaine. Hope you have a lovely evening