To ask a hv for help regarding my nephew or should I wait?

[stargazer83]

I'll try and keep this short and fact based will all information up front.
My bro and sil have a son who's 1 next week.
He is in size 2-3 clothes and weighs over 3 stone last time he was checked and was 8ib 1 at birth. He's diet at home consists of take outs mcdonalds chicken shop kebab indian, jars of baby food or cereals such as frosties or sugar puffs.Snacks consist of crisps and chocolate and I know he's been given coke and beer. He has a minimum of 7 7oz bottles made with hungry baby formula a day.
He is crawling and pulling himself up as normal but gets tired quickly. The room in which he sleeps with his mum and dad is filthy with beer cans rubbish and dirty washing piled everywhere. He's cot has dirty sheats and he is offten wearing dirty clothes or clothes that are too small because they "look cute"
Bro and SIL work full time - SIL from 9-3. I look after my dn 3-5 days a week whilst SIL works. When she picks him up from me she takes him to the pub for a couple of hours feeding him rubbish and bottle after bottle to keep him quiet.
My SIL and Bro live with my mum in my brothers bedroom and I know my sil does not feel comfortable there and so trys to stay out as much as possiable, working all week must make it very hard for them to do washing and drying and cooking. I know this but its getting harder and harder watching, my family have all tried to say something without being interfeering as we are genuinly concerned about DN but it is ignored and we daren't say anything stronger as SIL has been known to stop people seeing the baby if they upset her.
I have been toying with the idea of explaining all this to a hv and asking them for help but I keep holding off hoping that when they get there own flat they will be able to settle and get things sorted but times going on and there still seams to be no sign of them moving out.
Whilst I have stuck to bare facts I think its only fair to confess I dont like my bro or SIL and if it wasn't for DN I'd happily have nothing to do with them ever again. These feelings are why I'm bringing this to aibu and also because I'm not sure what to do for the best. Thank you for taking the time to read this x

I think you should tell the HV about your DN. It sounds like neglect to me.

I would leave a few healthy eating and kids magazines lying about and maybe leave the papers open on the property to let page. Anything else and you may not get to see your niece again possibly?

It does to me too.

have you talked to them about things at all, or don't think it will be worth it (wont listen, will just get angry etc?). if they live with your mum has she not said anything? what does she think of it?
it really does not sound good

yes, this sounds like neglect.

If you look after him during the day 3-5 days a week he must get some healthy food in him (I assume you don't feed him the same diet his parents do) Could you not say things like He ate such and such today and really likes it, here is the recipie (I can't spell I'm not ashamed!) Or maybe inlist your Mums help as you say they live with her.

I think that you are in a very awkward position and its made extra hard bcos you dont have the 'relationship' with your brother and sil.

The little boy is almost one he should by now be pulling to standing possibly even walking,a child as overweight as you suggest will find these milestones hard to reach.

Dressing a child in restrictive clothing is cruel imo.

The thing is by condoning and accepting this you are as negligent as they are and so I feel its now you must interfere,could you during the day when you care for dn take him to a sure start centre at a mums and toddler meeting and 'bump' into a health visitor?.

I know you are concerned by the level of cleanliness in his 'home' and I have to agree with you but some of the happiest children come from almost filthy homes.

Perhaps your sil is depressed?

Either way she needs help.

mmj speaks sense .

I don't think all the healthy eating mags in the world would change things :(

you say she'll stop people seeing the baby so surely it's up to your mum - if they're living with her they can't stop her seeing him?

Usually I'd be thinking 'it's their life' but this is extreme. there comes a point where you have to forget the worries about ramifications and upsetting people FGS, you need to get in there and sort them out. somehow.

nearly 3st? jeez my DS is also 1 next week, he's 1st 10lb (around 75th centile IIRC) and he was nearly 12lb (99.9th centile) at birth.

I think that you interfering will ruin any family relationships.

I cannot see the point of your telling your health visitor or even their health visitor. It is not your child. I expect that a health visitor would probably ignore you. There are overweight tots up and down the land.

If you are really witnessing child abuse as opposed to less than perfect parenting then you are better off to talk to social services or the NSPCC.

They are giving him beer It is more than neglect, their behaviour is abusive. Everything they are doing is to make their lives easier and not in the best interests of their child. The salt levels in the food alone could cause kidney failure, let alone the health problems that will result from a high sugar diet (diabetes), alcohol consumption (liver damage), possible heart attack and physical development problems because of his weight and diet. The longer this continues the higher the chance of these sorts of problems developing. I am not normally a fan of social services but I would try to talk to my brother (if he is more amenable than SIL) one last time and if nothing changed then I would talk to social services in this case.

I have spoken to her about my concern's before as have others but gently, I have bought her cook books aimed at familys with 100's of short recipys and equipment such as a hand blender. I have even tried talking to my brother with no sucess.
My mum has tried talking to them and yelling at them but nothing changes appart from my mum making herself sick with stress.
My reasons for considering a hv are that I could remain annonomus and not risk being cut out of DN's life which is what would happen if I confronted them. I still hope if they move out and have there own space things would get better and in the meantime a hv could get them some help and support, maybe even neutrition advice

Agree with first post- you should let the HV know and they can go round and assess the situation...
it sounds like you would not be able to talk to bro or SIL as they would not be receptive to advice- if there is a chance they would listen, I would speak to them first but if not, get the HV involved

If talking to his parents has failed, and I mean proper straight-talking, not beating about the bush, then I don't think you have much choice apart from informing social services and letting them investigate. There's all sorts of child abuse, it's not just beating your kids that's important.

Sounds like neglect to me.

It might feel quite miserable for them living in your brother's bedroom as a family. It sounds cramped and quite depressing to be living like that without your own space and no sense of when the situation will improve. I guess you could try talking to your brother and SIL about their plans to get a place of their own. Is there anything constructive you could do to help them find their own place?

I think I would have a discrete word with the health visitor as well to see if they can provide any support.

I reckon it'd get much worse if they moved out now. If you can get them help via HV or SS now, while they are still supported by your mum, please do for your DN's sake.

Just want to say that you sound like a very supportive sister, sister in law and aunt and are doing a great job with your DN in very difficult circumstances. I agree a chat with the HV cannot do any harm. good luck and well done to you for looking out for your DN's interests.

From what you've described, I doubt very much whether getting their own place will improve the situation. They sound clueless at best, selfish and negligent at worst. Definitely talk to HV and ask advice.

A lot of strange things in this post.You say your family are all concerned about, and trying to help.So why don't they make your SIl feel more comfortable in the house which seems to be the crux of teh problem.I think the feeling that she has to be out all teh time is why they are buying so many takeaways!Does your Mum cook for herself, couldn't she put a bit aside for the baby and see he gets it?
How do you know so much what he eats? Does your mum tell you ?

You say he was over 3st last time he was weighed, when was that? My ds is on the 91st centile and weighs nowhere near that, the hv must already be aware that hes significantly overweight from when he was weighed. Tbh I think you need to speak to ss, if they are really giving him beer thats and all the other stuff is neglect. That poor little boy needs someone to speak out

I would definitely speak to the HV and if she says she can't help, then I would speak to SS. Better to interfere now than to feel guilty for the rest of your life when you see your DN's life ruined.