Should you take an offering if you eat at someone else's house?

[Millicentipede]

This isn't a massive deal at all, but the situation is this. My brother has a two-year-old child with an ex-girlfriend. They broke up before the baby was even born and now it's all very amicable.

Once a week, everyone is invited round to my parents' house for a meal. This includes me, my brother, my sister, the ex-girlfriend, the two-year-old and one or two friends of the family. It's very casual and laid-back- people dish up their own food, we drink lots of wine and enjoy fab cooking. Everyone enjoys it, including my ex-sister-in-law. Someone always gives my nephew a bath and gets him into his pyjamas, and (as she can't drive) someone always gives my brother's ex-girlfriend and his son a lift back to their flat.

Here's the thing. Everyone who turns up normally brings my parents an offering for the meal. This varies from a bottle of wine to some crisps or some hummus or some muddy leeks from the garden. Now obviously, if you invite someone for dinner you shouldn't expect them to provide the ingredients, but I cannot help but notice that my ex-sister-in-law has never once even made a token offering to my parents for providing regular, delicious cooking and copious amounts of alcohol. I just find this odd, as I was under the impression that it was polite to make this gesture if you were a guest for a meal.

My ex-sister in law is a lovely person who is doing an excellent job of raising my nephew and is still very much part of our family, so this isn't a personal vendetta at all, but more of an etiquette question. Is it correct to make a token offering if you are invited to eat at someone else's house, or this this an old-fashioned view?

I would always bring something but would not condemn anyone who didn't. When I invite people to dinner, it the company I rate not what they can offer me on arrival.
Does she wash up, clear away and contribute in other ways.
Is she attending out of a sense of duty rather than really wanting to come?

I would always take something, yes. Flowers, homemade cakes, wine, chocs. It is strange tha she has NEVER brought anything, especially if everyone else is/has.

I suppose if everyone else is, you might take something....not necessary, though, unless specifically asked. Its nothing to do with you anyway, as its your parents who are organising the meals.

Also, if she has a 2 year old, she is more likely to be thinking, "Thank god I don't have to cook today!"

Maybe she can't afford to take something.

I'm pretty sure she enjoys it 9well, as sure as you can ever be about someone else's thoughts), and yes, she is good company. We're not really judging her on this one issue, more curious about whether it really is a social convention. She doesn't contribute or offer to help in other ways, but because she's raising a two-year-old alone, we kind of want her to be able to relax and let other people do the nappies and bath and milk for one night. She always gets a lift home and my parents will have provided her with a new pack of nappies or similar.

Well, I'd certainly take something if it was a smart ish dinner at a friend's house, but probably not if it was a regular casual dinner at a family member's house.

For example we go to my in laws quite frequently, and I no longer take them wine/chocs (I did in the early days) - I now wash up or help in the kitchen instead. Does she do this?

So I suppose my rough rule of thumb is, if you are a guest then you bring an offering, if you are family then you help out with the preparation...

If it's very casual and a regular family get-together, I don't think it is necessary to bring anything, or bad if you don't. I always take wine / flowers or chocs if I a invited to a friend's for dinner, but not if visiting brother or Mum and Dad. She's bringing your parents their grandchild - I'm sure that is of as much value to them than a nice meal is to her! She's reserving her Sundays to enable the family to stay in touch - it's great that everyone supports that and helps - but you see to be implying that she should be on her knees in gratutude f a hot dinner.

She has a fair bit on her plate as a single parent of a toddler, it sounds really great that she is in good contact with the wider family, credit to you all - don't let your 'etiquette query' turn into any for of resentment or criticism- at the very least, it isn't your business.

I would always take something - even to ILs and parents. We usually take booze but sometimes it's flowers, or a cake, or something from the garden or whatever.

Especially to MILs I would never turn up empty handed, and yes I do help with the washing up!

Whenever friends come to stay or we go to them there is always an exchange of some kind. Nothing expensive, but always something.

Blu- I'm sorry, but you seem to have misunderstood me; I don't resent her in any way, in fact, I really enjoy her company. There certainly isn't any expectation that she needs to be overcome with gratitude at all. She's not expected to feel graititude at all. I think my mum just wants her to have a bit of a break! There honestly isn't any criticism in my mind, just a vague, bored-in-the-summer-holidays pondering of what's the accepted social norm.

She would probably be horrified if she thought you had raised this as a question. Just enjoy each others company.

maybe she thinks its a family tradition and does not partake as shes not family

perhaps its just how her paretns were, perhaps she has no experience of such gatherings?

just be happy everyon still gets to see the wee one and shes civil!

Why mention the nappies if this is about the convention of taking a gift to a host?

Have you discussed this with the other people in your family?

If it were me, I'd probably take a bottle of wine.

I think I mentioned the nappies to try to show that my mum is grateful to her and tries to help her? I don't know really. Just trying to show the general relationship, I suppose.

I think people think there's criticism here when there's really not...but obviously I can't be expressing myself right. Maybe because I accidently put this in AIBU rather than Chat.

I always do. Usually wine, but could be a homemade dessert or jar of chutney. Even when going to my parents, I always take something. And they do when coming to me. I think it is really rude not to.

But I'm aware that other people don't share this view. DP for instance didn't ever take anything when going to the ILs before me, now we tend to take flowers for MIL. I just think she's done the work, and provided the dinner, it's the least we can do to show our appreciation.

However when they come to us, they turn up empty handed!

If it's a one-off invitation, take flowers/choc but definitely not a contribution as it looks like you don't trust the host's cooking.
If it's a regular informal thing like you describe, then a muddy leeks/hummous is great and is what everyone else is doing. Plus helping with the clearing up. Your parents sound fantastic BTW.

Personally I think if you are invited for a meal, then you shouldn't have to take something. I find it slightly odd when DH's family (on a very very rare occasion) do something and we are expected to take food. If you are inviting people for food, then you should provide it. Taking alcohol is different.

But this is the sort of family that I was brought up in, my nan always provided and thats they way it was. She wouldn't let people bring their own. Maybe this is how the ex GF thinks too.

I don't think you're being old-fashioned; yes, in these circumstances I would expect her to bring the occasional token gesture. You have to assume that her parents wouldn't have, and so it has never occurred to her to do so. Or maybe she's just skinter than skint.

I don't take anything when going to my parents'.

AMong our family members it is unusual for anyone to take an 'offering'.

If we are invited for a meal, we turn up with nothing and people often turn up with nothing here.

We have regular family dinners.

Everyone takes something to take the burden off the host. Its usually their "signature dish" rather than flowers or chocolates. eg my mum is known for her lamb curry and will always take that to whoever is hosting.

I think its too much to expect one person to do all the catering for regular big family get togethers.

I would expect her to occasionally bring something. I think it is rather rude to never bring anything. I would always bring something, that's good manners imo.

Sounds a lovely setup.
I expect it just hasn't occurred to her to take anything along. But I agree with you in that it perhaps ought to cross her mind.
But if noone is particularly bothered by it then it's not really an issue, is it?
However, I think if one goes to friends/family as more of a one-off, then it's standard form to take a gift of some sort.

just as an alternative viewpoint, one of my circle of friends ....I royally offended her the first thre or four times I was invited round, by bringing a gift (sometimes it was food, wine, soft drinks or flowers). She eventually explained that it in her eyes, it was not the done thing, as bringing something implied her hospitality was lacking in someway, or that she couldn't afford to buy herself flowers or whatever ...

I adhere to the convention of taking an offering to friends but not to family. I offer to help at friends and family but at friends the offer is most often refused. I do notice when friends consistently come round to eat without bringing a bottle but dont get too bothered about same behaviour from my little sis. I dont see her often enough to resent her!!

If it was someething that everyonme was doing (like in your family set up) then I would have thought your xSIL would follow suit... but some people dont notice such social conventions.

It's practically my religion to never turn up anywhere empty-handed....