Should you take an offering if you eat at someone else's house?

[Millicentipede]

This isn't a massive deal at all, but the situation is this. My brother has a two-year-old child with an ex-girlfriend. They broke up before the baby was even born and now it's all very amicable.

Once a week, everyone is invited round to my parents' house for a meal. This includes me, my brother, my sister, the ex-girlfriend, the two-year-old and one or two friends of the family. It's very casual and laid-back- people dish up their own food, we drink lots of wine and enjoy fab cooking. Everyone enjoys it, including my ex-sister-in-law. Someone always gives my nephew a bath and gets him into his pyjamas, and (as she can't drive) someone always gives my brother's ex-girlfriend and his son a lift back to their flat.

Here's the thing. Everyone who turns up normally brings my parents an offering for the meal. This varies from a bottle of wine to some crisps or some hummus or some muddy leeks from the garden. Now obviously, if you invite someone for dinner you shouldn't expect them to provide the ingredients, but I cannot help but notice that my ex-sister-in-law has never once even made a token offering to my parents for providing regular, delicious cooking and copious amounts of alcohol. I just find this odd, as I was under the impression that it was polite to make this gesture if you were a guest for a meal.

My ex-sister in law is a lovely person who is doing an excellent job of raising my nephew and is still very much part of our family, so this isn't a personal vendetta at all, but more of an etiquette question. Is it correct to make a token offering if you are invited to eat at someone else's house, or this this an old-fashioned view?

In my life, I know people who always bring something (sometimes very odd things! but they cannot come empty-handed), people who often bring things but don't feel too bad if they don't, and people who quite simply never do, despite others bringing things with them and it being obvious that it's the done thing at least some of the time.
I think some people simply will never do it, and I do wonder why. It's quite entitled, isn't it?

Is there a chance your ex-SIL asks your parents "is there anything you want me to bring" and every week they say no? Or that your parents have told her to not worry, they want her company etc etc

If its friends doing dinner I take an offering - a bottle of something, or some flowers. If its family I ask - and if they say no, I tend to go empty handed!

friends i would always.

but family is different. my dh's family don't often have us round (ie. once a year) but when they come round to ours (all the time) they don't bring anything.

so i can see that it's a hazy line.

but if the rest of you are bringing i would have thought that eventually she'd have worked it out.

I bet it just hasn't occurred to her to bring something.

i don't take anything to my parents and DP doesn't when we go to his - but i would always take something to friends or more distant family.

i think it's something to do with parents, they wouldn't like us to bring something (unless it's christmas or mother's or father's day or somebody's birthday) just like they always insist on paying when we go out (even though we probably earn as much as them) - it's a parent looking after their kids thing in both our families.

even family...i take a cheap bottle of wine, or some lovely scented soap for mum,, or a bunch of sweetpeas from the garden, or some allotment veg, or a cake...

i'm completely on the same page as elliemental. i absolutely always take something to someone's house for a dinner party, lunch party or similar.

same applies to my parents, inlaws and siblings. couldn't imagine not.

i find it strange that a grown woman who attends a weekly get together wouldn't think to take a small bunch of flowers once in a while.

Whenever we turn up mob handed at my mum's I take wine as a minimum, I often make a cake or pudding too. DH thinks its odd, he would never have taken anything to his parents', but we do now as I insist. We normally see his and mine about once a month - every other month at their places.

My sister OTOH hardly ever takes anything. She knows I do and sometimes I tell her she should bring something and she normally just shrugs her shoulders.

When my mum comes to us she bring at least 2 bottles of wine, flowers, chocolates, pudding, presents for kids etc. Totally OTT but we love it. ILs bring one bottle of wine. Totally them and fine.

So not only is it a family thing, it also varies within families too.

She takes their grandson. what a great contribution.

Really, as you are not the hostess, this isn't any of your concern, but I can see why you would notice. I'm definately someone who would always bring something even if small or a token, both for family and for friends. All our family circle also do this - actually we have fun chutney swaps, or will bring some windfalls from the garden, a bunch of sweet peas, just a nice token. If I was invited to dinner by friends, and didn't take any thing on the night, I would certainly send flowers afterwards and write a card/note of thanks. But your SIL may not come from a family where this is regarded as important, or she may be really struggling financially and not everyone has a garden to grow flowers in/have fruit bushes to make home made summer puddings. As a single mum of a toddler, I would expect her to be very, very busy, so I would cut her some slack. If there is other evidence to suggest she is a freeloader/tight/lazy then you may have a case, but at the moment YABU

Thank you all for your viewpoints. I had actually never considered that a host would find their hospitality insulted by an offering! I wonder if that's a cultural thing .

After further consideration, I have decided it probably all hinges on what your parents did, and so what seems "normal" to you.

My sister-in-law is wonderful company, and we have fun together. That is all that matters. Thanks again.

I always take wine, to both mine and DP's family things, I take more wine to DP's family than to mine as DP's family are more likely to run out/turn up empty handed!

Quite often offer to help with washing up etc, but never feel it a duty.

It never crosses my mind to think on whether individual people have 'contributed' to a specific occassion as I know that both families do a lot together and help each other out in general.

Given that you and X-SIL have a good relationship, could you not give her the tiniest hint that your mum would absolutely love it if her grand-daughter drew her a picture or something.

My friends/family don't take things and don't expect anyone to bring anything - its the way we like it :) It's more relaxed and saves everyone the 'hassle' of thinking about what to take and getting something etc - it's what we all do so it works for us. Within the friends group we do often take alcohol though, but it's definitely for the drinking of and not a gift!!

Sometimes we'll have a pot luck or ask someone to bring something in particular - but we don't take offerings or gifts.

However, my Mums circle of friends do and in someways it's quite nice and in others it's just another hassle....

In the above situation I would have thought she'd cotton on to what the rest of you do and do the same, I would in her position because I would feel too akward not to iyswim...

My grown up children don't bring anything when they come for meals at my house and I wouldn't expect them to. It would seem as though they were visitors rather than family if they did.

I always take something when invited to eat at someone's house. I'll offer to take pudding, if it has already been sorted I'll take a bottle of wine and/or chocolates.

I wouldn't be really offended if someone didn't bring anything to mine when invited but probably would expect a bottle of wine or beer to be brought if we are inviting people to a barbecue.

When we had a barbecue for Father's Day (there were 18 of us) my lovely MIL brought lots of food and drink but my Mum said she was a guest so shouldn't have to bring anything - everyone has different ideas.