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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stopping MIL having my child

49 replies

Shriekable · 24/08/2010 10:59

I have recently made the decision to stop my boyfriend's mother from having my 2.5yr old child, due to the increasingly worrying things that occur when she has him. I could go on forever about the stuff that has happened - in fact I stopped her having him before and came here for advice. So let me know what you think of this: The last time she took him was about a week ago. She is ALWAYS late picking him up and dropping him off (and I don't just mean 15 mins or so - I'm talking 40mins, an hr, once she was 2hrs late picking him up, and when he was a baby she was 4hrs late dropping him off and I was frantic as couldn't reach her by landline or mobile). Anyway, when she brought him back (late) I could hear him crying. I looked out of the window and she was trying to get the pushchair up the back step, so the front wheels were off the ground. She was only holding the pushchair with one hand, and with the other she appeared to be leaning over the p.chair and holding down my son. She got him inside and I met them in the hallway. I picked him up and was just about to ask her why he wasn't strapped in - she had to walk along our village's main road to get to me, and even though there is not a lot of traffic, what does pass through does so at speeds of up to 50mph - when I realised that his hair was wet. I don't just mean damp, I mean wet. As it was a warm and sunny day I didn't know why this was. I said to her 'why is his hair wet?' and she started talking about a party she was going to that evening. I then realised that his back was wet as well. Again I said 'why is he wet?' and she then started saying what a good boy he had been. I then looked at the p.chair and there was a wet patch about half a foot wide that ran from the top of the back part to the seat, and the water had run onto the seat and covered a large part of it. The canopy had been pushed back, and when I pulled it forward I noticed that it was very wet. Now, she had brought round a few flowers from her garden that she said my son had picked but there was only about half a dozen flowers and they were quite small. Obviously they had something to do with the water, but the amount of water on the p.chair was way too much considering the amount of flowers she had brought. The flowers had been stuck between the folds of the canopy, and my boyf thinks she poured water over them before leaving the house (and therefore poured water all over my son). I said to her 'why is the p.chair so wet?' and again she avoided the question. This type of thing happens all the time - I ask her a question and never get an answer. She and her husband - not boyf's father - have said in the past that what they do with my son when he is with them is up to them and not me. I don't happen to agree with this, as I am thinking about what is best for my child and they are thinking about what is best for them. Please don't get me wrong - I am not saying they cannot see him, I am saying that I don't want them to have him. One of the neighbours also told me that the last time she took him they saw her at a local park - to get there she would have had to go in the car and I know she doesn't have the correct car seat. I asked her about it and she denied it, but knowing what she is like, I don't believe her. I feel I can't trust her as she has lied to me so many times. The problem I have now is that her husband is getting stroppy about it and is hinting about taking me to court to get access. I have tried to explain that I am not stopping access. I just feel that my son's safety is at risk with this woman. My boyf is backing me up. We are expecting another child in November, and the PIL have already 'told' me that they will be taking my son more often, which I am determined will not happen. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Emo76 · 24/08/2010 11:06

She sounds mentally unwell to me (seriously, a friend has similar issues with her MIL) and YANBU to stop this access.

How dare they decide to "take" your son, not be contactable, not strap him in properly etc.

Good luck to them trying to take you to court.

You are doing the right thing. Very worrying events.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 24/08/2010 11:07

Firstly, you are not being unreasonable to be concerned for your child's safety if your MIL will not answer direct questions. It is up to you and your dp to decide who cares for your child. I wouldn't want my baby cared for by someone who appears to be so unreliable and evasive.

Secondly, though, please could you put paragraphs in when you post something this long - it is really difficult to read it when it is all one long spiel. Sorry to be picky.

stripeywoollenhat · 24/08/2010 11:07

you are not being unreasonable at all. your PIL cannot 'tell' you anything about the care of your child and if you are concerned about their treatment of him, then you have an obligation to him not to allow them to 'look after' him. you are not stopping access. they would have absolutely no case in court.

shimmerysilverglitter · 24/08/2010 11:13

They sound really controlling actually. The car seat thing is non-negotiable.

When your FIL next threatens to take you to court say "go ahead" and then change the subject. Grandparents don't really have many rights legally at all, which can be unfortunate but not in this case.

YANBU at all. There is no way I would let these people take my child after what you describe.

ShadeofViolet · 24/08/2010 11:15

YANBU - she sounds a bit strange and if she is avoiding your questions and isnt being open with you then I would definately stop her taking my DS out if I were you - The Carseat thing would have been all I needed.

Do what is best for you and your DS.

MadreInglese · 24/08/2010 11:18

Why on earth are you handing your child over to these loons? Hmm

Petal02 · 24/08/2010 11:18

You are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't leave a child with her, given what you've told us. And I don't like the sound of her husband hinting at court action to get access - how nasty. But also, am I right in thinking that your MIL and her husband have no legal right to access? Surely only the actual parents have such rights?

belgo · 24/08/2010 11:20

Grandparents don't have any legal right to access to their grandchildren.

But they do have an obligation to keep him safe when he is in their care, and if they can't do that, then YANBU in not allowing them to take him out.

My first thought was that he had fallen into a pond or something.

GeekOfTheWeek · 24/08/2010 11:24

YANBU

Please do not leave your child with these people.

missbeehiving · 24/08/2010 11:31

YADNBU - they sound very strange and difficult. Don't be worried about the court threats.

FetchezLaVache · 24/08/2010 11:32

YAdefinitelyNBU!! Any single one of the things you mention would constitute a good reason not to let them have him, in my view, but especially the notion that it's up to them and not you and your DP what they do with your child when he's in their care... I don't like the way she wouldn't answer your direct questions about DS and the pushchair being wet, either. I'm very glad you have DP onside for this one- stick to your guns!

fedupofnamechanging · 24/08/2010 11:32

If my childs GPs threatened to take me to court to ensure access to my child, I would cut off access immediately. Your MILs partner isn't even your childs GP and has no business making threats.

When your DC is with them, it is not up to them what they do with your child. You are the parent and you do not give up parental responsibility when your DC is in their care.

I would not allow these people unsupervised access to my child either.

giveitago · 24/08/2010 11:37

YANBU - they cannot say that what they do with your dc when you are not there is not your business.

That's fucking not on.

Nice they love your ds but note that your bf is backing you up with your concerns and GPS have no rights.

They DO NOT tell you when and how often they 'HAVE' ds. You tell them.

DS developing a great relationship with gps is great - good on you but if you cannot trust them to look after ds and they expect to have access to him as a right - that's NOT on.

You sort it firmly and diplomatically and you sort it now.

Mowiol · 24/08/2010 11:39

I would be worried to AND it is not right for her to say that when your child is with them it is up to them what they do and not you - that is outrageous.

There are no legal rights as such but maybe this weblink (which I found with a quick google)can provide you with some useful information - its aimed a GPs but will let you know how the courts work.

-www.hartnellchanot.co.uk/just-grandparents/just-grandparents/what-are-your-rights.html

shoshe · 24/08/2010 11:42

As a Grandparent who has had custody of her Grandchild, when she returned to her Mum, we had no legal rights to access. (We do see her BTW, just if her Mum hadnt wanted us to we could not have got access)

Your MIL does not have a leg to stand on.

She either sees your DS, at your home under supervision or not at all IMO.

DuelingFanjo · 24/08/2010 11:49

I don't think they can get access legally so don't worry about that.

If it were me I would tell them straight out that you are no longer happy for her to take himout for hours at a time and cite all the reasons why.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 24/08/2010 11:50

I don't think YABU at all. If it feels wrong don't let them have your DS again. Maybe jot down a few instances/reasons for your decision for when the argument starts - because it probably will. But he is your child, not theirs and he's your responsibility - you get to decide.

sanielle · 24/08/2010 11:55

They have no rights and your boyfriend seems to be on your side too. So you have no problem really. Just say NO you crazy old bat leave my kids alone.

Lulumaam · 24/08/2010 11:58

if they feel so strongly, then let them start legal proceedings, it won't get very far

using children in this way is awful

they sound unstable to say the least, without much regard for your son's welfare.

no car seat, not strapped in the buggy, covered in cold water, say you have no say in how he is cared for when he is with them, they telling you they will have him more, always late, not contactable... why would you ever let them have him alone again?

mumeeee · 24/08/2010 12:08

YANBU. Grandparents don't have any legal right to have access to thier Grandchildren. I would also be concered that your MIL doesn't answer direct questions about your DS.

Squitten · 24/08/2010 12:19

The minute my ILs started threatening me that they would be "taking" our kids whenever they wanted and talking about legal action, that would be the last conversation I had with them about it, let alone give them any access to the children!

I would honestly stop all contact. They sound like deeply unpleasant people

missedith01 · 24/08/2010 12:31

The minute my ILs started threatening me that they would be "taking" our kids whenever they wanted and talking about legal action, that would be the last conversation I had with them about it

Seconded. Bloody outrageous thing to say. Hmm Put your foot down, OP!

giveitago · 24/08/2010 13:01

OP there are people in this world who think they are right - your ils might be like this.

Recently my sil informed me and ds 4 that ds would be staying with her for a month when he was 7 - in Rome.

How fucked off was I being told what was going to happen to my child and when. But guess what - it won't happen as I'm his mum and it won'thappen when he's 7. It won't happen for a month when he's 7. It won't happen at all until I say it can and she won't know until I decide to tell her.

That should be your approach (as hard as it is).

mummytime · 24/08/2010 13:13

I would just add, do start keeping a diary noting down all you've said here, and adding any further events that happen. If anyone else has witnessed anything I would also ask them if they could write a short note about it, so you can keep that as evidence.

Do not allow them access, they have no rights and seem positively neglectful. They can have contact with you present, but to allow them unsupervised contact would be neglectful.

BlueFergie · 24/08/2010 13:14

Anyone who told me that what they do with my children when they are with them is up to them and not me would not have my children with them alone ever. End of.