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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when cousins marry

52 replies

bradfordhousewife · 24/08/2010 10:51

before i begin let me get this out of the way. i am a Muslim married to my first cousin by way of arranged marriage. we have a beautiful and healthy son. and we live in Bradford. we're happy. and thankful.

now that's out of the way, let me tell you about my 'well meaning friend' (her words). when i saw her last week i mentioned that the husband and i were thinking it was the right time to try for another baby. yesterday she messaged me about a documentary another Muslim friend of hers had told her about and that i should watch it. i am obvs referring to When Cousins Marry (more info at www.channel4.com/programmes/dispatches/episode-guide/series-68/episode-1. initially i decided against watching it because a) it clashed with Eastenders and b) i would be too busy cooking for dinner to break our fast. priorities, eh?

i wasn't offended by her suggestion, that documentary highlights a harsh reality that people must wake up to. i want to be one of the people who breaks this awful cycle where my kids are concerned. but i think i might be taking this a bit personally. having just told you i am planning to have another baby would you really ask me to watch a documentary that i will most likely find distressing and potentially put me off trying?

OP posts:

Casserole · 24/08/2010 11:39

Yes, I'm sorry but I think if I was trying to be a true friend, I would tell you about this documentary.

And I think you should look into it more before trying again.

And I wish you every happiness.

LucyLouLou · 24/08/2010 11:43

Yes, tbh, I think your friend was right to tell you about it. It's not sensationalising anything, it's presenting you with medical facts. Tricky situation, but as long as she was caring and sensitive and she's a good friend, I think YABU if you make an issue with her about this. There's a more important consideration in situation, is there not?

LucyLouLou · 24/08/2010 11:44

Sorry, in this situation, is what I meant!

2madboys · 24/08/2010 11:44

I would imagine that she probably thought quite hard before mentioning it and unless she's really thick skinned, probably thought it was worth the risk of upsetting you. It's great that you have one healthy child. Are you able to get some genetic counselling before you start trying for another?

Filibear · 24/08/2010 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

slowshow · 24/08/2010 11:48

I'm sure you will find it distressing. I found it distressing. You may want to consider visiting your GP to ask whether it's necessary for you and your husband to undergo genetic testing before you get pregnant again.

The chances of your next child having any sort of rare genetic disorder are still quite small, you know. But IF you and your husband both carry the same faulty gene(s) (and you share grandparents, so the risk is there), then you have a one in four chance of passing that disorder onto any future child you have.

Good luck!

SirBoobAlot · 24/08/2010 11:48

You should do more research. You son may be healthy but your next child may not be.

I'm sorry, I know its a cultural thing, but I don't think relatives who marry should have children. Its selfish, considering the risks. So yes, you should watch the program and do a lot more reading.

Rockbird · 24/08/2010 11:50

As I've now mentioned on two other threads, my first cousin has married her cousin, only last month so no children yet and I would assume that, having taken the decision to get married (I know your situation is different), and being an intelligent adult, that you were aware of anything you needed to be aware of. If I felt the need to say anything (which I wouldn't because it's none of my business) I would not choose the moment that you tell me you're planning a baby. So I think your friend was being insensitive and should have picked a better time if she had to stick her beak in.

Added to that, presumably you know your own family history better than your friend does?

Casserole · 24/08/2010 11:56

Rockbird - first, the friend didn't choose that moment; the OP says she told her last week that they were thinking of trying, then the friend messaged her yesterday.

Secondly, it's not about knowing your family history. Without genetic counselling, you simply cannot be sure of what is going on. Any number of generations could be carriers of things but unless both those carrier genes come to the fore at the same time you would never know about it. These things are hidden until a child is conceived with the disorder UNLESS genetic counselling is done in advance.

OP - I really hope that you can see that this friend was actually trying to make sure you had every opportunity to avoid the heartache that some of those families went through. She is being the very best kind of friend, in my opinion, because she's putting your welfare above her own uncomfortableness and the potential of falling out with you. Please don't hold that against her.

StrictlyTory · 24/08/2010 12:01

Ummmm a real friend wouldn't want you to produce children with life threatening conditions.... they would want you to know all the facts.

It was clear from the programme that couples often had one healthy child but that does not mean other children will be as lucky. Look at the boy with the kidney problems with a healthy older sister.

Original poster

bradfordhousewife · 24/08/2010 12:04

thank you all for the feedback so far.

yes, we did investigate the possibilities during pregnancy with firstborn and we are very lucky to have gotten the all clear.

i didn't enter this marriage blindly, i am well aware informed about this issues and if there was a history of problems with my husband's family i would definitely not have married him.

OP posts:

Kathyjelly · 24/08/2010 12:09

Bradford, cousins marrying isn't illegal in the UK and it does happen among white brits but just not very often. So it's not so unusual. However the fact that it can cause birth defects is also well known. So the facts aren't in dispute.

However, that your "friend" feels the need to point it out just at the moment you announce that you might try for another baby shows she has foot in mouth disease on a chronic scale. I can only assume that she thought you didn't know about the issue because I cannot imagine any other reason for going there.

I think some people are just clumsy with words. Good luck with TTC

everythingiseverything · 24/08/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladysybil · 24/08/2010 12:11

i think your friend is a clod

giveitago · 24/08/2010 12:28

Yep, if I were your true friend I'd tell you about the programme. It would be up to you to watch it and up to you to see if it resonated with you. Nothing more.

You're clearly clued up on genetic issues but I'm sure that if I were in your position my very good friends (who's opinions and motivations I completely trust) would still tell me and I would still like them.

Depends on the friend I guess.

imahappycamper · 24/08/2010 12:43

I think she was being a good friend and wanted you to know about the research so you could make an informed decision.

Onetoomanycornettos · 24/08/2010 12:50

She was a bit tactless. I think it depends if she knew you had already visited the geneticist and had advice for your first. If she did, then really it is none of her business stirring up trouble when you have already sought medical advice. If she didn't, I think she was just passing it on genuinely worried you may not be aware, which luckily you are.

LucyLouLou · 24/08/2010 12:55

The fact that there are no problems with your husband's family (which would surely be your family too?!) is completely incidental. Not trying to scare you, but it's the combination of the two of you, not the family history.

cashmygold · 24/08/2010 12:57

On watching the programme I feel that the husband and wife who had 6 children, where four of the six kids had a degenerative disorder were in complete denial as to the medical implications of their relationship; this also extends to the Muslim leader who was interviewed by the reporter. I think that the fact they they continue to have more children knowing there has been a pattern of their children developing the disorder is verging on selfishness.

giveitago · 24/08/2010 12:57

Well, there was a time we were told we could never have kids. I knew the score - did the research so I was very clued up.

Friends would tell me about programmes or articles on the subject even if it were programmes telling me what I didn't want to here. They were friends and I took it to mean they were locking on to my concerns and interests at the time.

Only the OP can feel what she feels from what her friend told her.

pumperspumpkin · 24/08/2010 12:58

Both sets of my (white British) grandparents were cousins so I had a particular interest in watching the programme last night. I think the thing that struck me most was the reluctance to accept there was a problem - those with healthy families (like yours and mine) could only see the positives, but even some of those with children affected seemed to struggle to get the link because they knew healthy families as well.

I think your friend did the right thing in mentioning it to you - clearly she didn't know how much you knew. (I'd also watch it to be honest.)

sarah293 · 24/08/2010 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

megapixels · 24/08/2010 13:13

She must have been trying to be helpful, though I think YANBU to feel upset at the timing. It is something that you need to go into with full information though, so your friend probably means well.

Btw, the fact that you are a Muslim isn't relevant. Islam neither encourages nor forbids cousin marriages, same as the general law in the UK or anywhere else. I am a Muslim and a South Asian who had an arranged marriage, and my family is completely against it.

Original poster

bradfordhousewife · 24/08/2010 13:29

the reason why i felt the way i did was because of previous conversations where i have found said friend to be quite trying. i'm not going to list things about her that i find difficult to deal with as she is not here to give her reasons for mentioning it. i accept that she may have meant well. but i do wish she had a bit more sensitivity on her, i guess. we're both educated women, and have had babies on the brain for most of our friendship. i am sure that at some point i have discussed this with her before, especially as i went into the specifics of the arranged marriage and the family background.

if a further discussion arises, i have decided that i will thank her for mentioning it, clarify that i was already aware of the problem and that i am satisfied we have investigated the potential risks as much as we possibly can. but i will also mention that i personally found it a little unsettling that she would raise this just after i had shared what i would like to think was happy news.

my general thoughts: based on experience during my previous pregnancy i would say the NHS in Bradford is trying its damned hardest to raise awareness of this problem among folk. and i too would not think highly of anyone who is made aware of the risk, and chooses to ignore it.

OP posts:

Original poster

bradfordhousewife · 24/08/2010 13:36

also: i think the main reason i've avoided watching the program is not because of the facts but because of the sad stories that some of you have referred to. i can't help it. i am far too wimpy to watch anything that would show children suffering as a result of their parent's actions. i would find these consequences far more distressing to watch than to hear the facts. sad i know, but true.

OP posts:

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