AIBU to feel this way about returning to work? pls tell me all will be ok...

[katkit]

hello,

I've got a 5 month old dd who (til this week) has been very chilled and very settled. i'm on maternity leave and have always planned to return after 9- 12 months.

recently at my work a fantastic job came up, one which i've had my eye on for a year. in fact i'm so picky that it's kind of the only job i'll do!

i was interviewed, put my all into it and got the job. thing is, it's FT 5 days pw. cue several days of agonising over what to do. in the end, i accepted the job, but have been distraught ever since.

i think dd is picking up on my feelings as she's been so serious all week, and more clingy. and the last 2 bedtimes have been horrific, whereas before they were fine. i'm now cheering up and think she is too.

anyway, i'm waffling now. this post is reflecting my current state of mind- quite humourless and, well, miserable- sorry.

anyway, i was hoping that maybe some of you might be able tell me that you have gone back to work ft, and left baby in nursery, and that it's all been ok. please tell me it's all ok and my dd will be fine!

in addition i'll be cycling 75 miles pw in order to get to work, oh and of course trying to eat a proper mesl in the evenings.

it will be ok, my dd will be fine won't she?

Sounds like you've landed your dream job. Well done you!!

It's totally natural to feel a bit wobbly about any life changes, whether it's getting a job, moving house, starting or ending a relationship. Doesn't mean it's the wrong decision at all though. Your dd is simply picking up on your wobble, and once you calm down and realise you've landed a fab job, she'll pick up on your fulfilment and happiness.

The logistics of it - getting up, getting to work etc come down to a good routine, and may take a few weeks to settle into but you'll be fine and so will your dd. I think it's human nature to feel 'safe' with what we know, and a bit anxious about how we'll cope with new things. When I had my first dd, I couldn't imagine how I'd get out to work, but by 3 months I was doing a morning feed, getting her off to the cm and working 3 days a week. Then it got into a routine and was easy, and I panicked about how I'd manage with two children. And when I had my dc3, I got home from hospital and wondered how I'd ever get out the front door with 3 kids! Yet within the year I was working again. You'll find reserves you didn't know you had.

Good luck with the new job.

First baby - landed dream job and went back to full time work when he was 10 mths old. Only lasted three months before resigning. I found it impossible not to think about my baby all day long and spent most of the time at work feeling on the verge of tears and have pretty much zero interest in work.

Second baby - went back to full time work (another, different 'dream job') when she was 5 months old. Totally different kettle of fish. I loved it. It was hard leaving thems ome days, and bloody exhausting a lot of the time, but I thrived on the challenge and have no regrets at all. DD settled into childcare very quickly and it has all worked out well.

You won't know until you try. Go back, give yourself a couple of months and see how you feel. You can also request flexible working hours. What are your employers like with that sort of thing?

thanks for your replies.. sorry for the delay, i lost the thread!

i feel reassured now. i know millions do it. i'll drink lots of coffee. and probably have to stop mnetting (sniff).

it's awkward because the 3 people who interviewed me, know me, and said 'you do realise this is ft, 5 days pw'. and they're struggling on until i start in february, so i feel i have to do it for 18 months minimum when i start. there wouldn't be much flexibiliy. i'll have to toughen up....

Welldone on getting the job! You won't know how you feel about working full time until you actually do it - you may love it, or hate being away from DD for that long. But your DD will be fine. What is really important is that you are COMPLETELY happy with your childcare set up before you start work and that you both get used to it before you start. Personally I went back to work when DS was 9 months, 3 days a week. I really wanted to go back at the time, but over time my feelings changed, and I stopped when he was 2 1/2 years. Had my original nanny been able to stay with us though longer than the first 6 months, who knows I may have been still working now.

Congratulations!

I'm one of those who returned to work, put baby and toddler DDs into nursery and loved being an individual again. My daughters were fine and it worked out perfectly for me.

There's hope for you yet! :)

Try it for a bit and if it's not going well stop.

Congratulations by the way.

Don't feel like you have to do a minimum of 18 months. Only by working will you know whether FT is too much for you.

I went back full time after DD1 but I was pregnant already with DD2 and am also a teacher, so effectively I only had a term to do before I went on maternity leave again . Tbh I cried every day on my way to work for the first two weeks then it got a lot easier (but there was always a light at the end of the tunnel, and the summer term at school is easier and I could often pick my DD up by 5pm).

After 2nd DD I got lucky and went back just two days a week - it's been brilliant. About to start FT in a promotion job, but it's just for a term (and I'm also pregnant again due in January) so either way I've only got a term of FT to do and I'm racked with guilt already, although I know the nursery my girls are at is brilliant.

It's a very hard choice. If, at the time of taking hte job, and when you start the job, you give it your all and give it a go for at least 3-6 months, you'd be doing your best effort. Your employers also know (unless they're very blinkered) that best intentions may alter once reality has set in, and they've offered you the job with this fact in the back of your mind.

It's hard and you'll hate it some days and feel guilty on other days when you almost forget you have a littl'un at home! Good luck!

sorry - long post! Penultimate paragraph was supposed to say "they've offered you the job with this fact in the back of their minds."

How many hours a week will your daughter be in nursery?

I honestly think full time is too much for a 5 month old.

BubbaAndBump- thanks for the sound advice. you're right, i guess they must know it might be disaterous. when i called my will-be line manager to accept she said she didn't go back until her dd was 3! which made me feel 'oh dear, even she thinks i'm bonkers'.

congrats to you on your pending baby!

i guess it will be quite clear if i have to stop if i can't do job properly from tiredness (it'll challenge me, esp if dd's not sleeping well). and if i'm emotionally wrecked.

nancy- she will be 10.5 months when i go back- do you think that's ok? i just realised i didn't make this clear- sorry everyone.

another factor which is great is that my folks live nearby and will 'unofficially' be able to have her sometimes, maybe a day a week.

thanks for the congrats. i feel much better.

I don't think OP's going back until Feb Nancy66 so Feb will make DC 10-11 months. I agree though, 5 months would be too young for FT IMHO

I think the key to being able to enjoy your job is being very secure about and confident in your baby's childcare.

So a lot depends on what you can set up in that respect.

Do you need to return to work financially?

Its a difficult one - this job sounds brilliant and it is great that you got it. However, you are also feeling miserable. And I don't think you should dismiss the "miserable" feelings - your emotions are there to deepen your understanding of what's right for you, not to try and fool you! You describe yourself as "distraught" and quite frankly this seems to me to be a totally reasonable response to the idea of leaving your small baby in a nursery five (long) days a week. I was bad enough when I went back to work and DD didn't even have to negotiate childcare - she's with DH for 2 days and her granny for 1, both at our house. But it is a deep attachment you form on maternity leave, no wonder your feeling down about the prospect of it ending in what sounds like a seismic shift in your and DD's lifestyles to me.

Is there any possibility of doing eg three days a week? Or getting a nanny to look after your DD in your own home?

Having your parents nearby is also a Godsend - my DD1's 1st nursery was actually chosen for its location near to my work and to my parents and they were able to help out every now and again if I had to work late etc.

btw, I have the opposite kind of line manager and she went back to work after just 3 minutes so thinks I'm barmy as I've taken 12 months every time. She kept asking me if I wasn't bored at home with my DDs! Knackered and busy, yes. Bored, no!

You have to be rather stoic about all this and do what's right for you and your family.

Something I heard recently and have held onto is nobody has ever lain on their deathbed and said "I wish I'd spent more time at work" ! Genius :o

For a whole variety of reasons I went back to full time work when my DD was 3 months old. I managed to find a lovely small nursery with very low staff turnover - in fact due to room changes by her and staff 3 of them had care of her almost continuously from 3 months to when she went to school. I bawled my eyes out the first day I left her and the first couple of days were hard.
6 years on DD is a lovely sociable well behaved (so much so her school report this term said the teacher would miss her happy face always being kind to the other children - mummy's heart swells with pride).
As everyone else says organisation is the key and if you can afford it having a cleaner will make your life much easier and do on line grocery ordering. This will mean that at weekends you can do all the fun stuff.
You also say they are hanging on till Feb so I guess you are not going back till your DD is 11 months old. So do lots of fun stuff now enjoy your baby and then see how the job goes.

Bumpsadaisie - thanks... we have a nursery in mind which seems ok but i need to see others in comparison. i think it's ok but am undecided.

my folks are nearby but are commitment shy and haven't offered to help formally- big shame!

financially i'll be working really hard for a take home of 150 pw, because of childcare costs! but i hope this job might teach me soo much that i could then leave and do web design from home- that's my motivation.

it needs to be 5 days pw- the role is webmaster. we couldn't afford a nanny, unlesss things change for my husband!

oh yes, and the misery is fading. i think it was just a big shock. i feel less sick now.

nobody has ever lain on their deathbed and said "I wish I'd spent more time at work" - crumbs- yes, that's true. gulp.

Lizcat - lovely to hear, and i hope my dd turns out that way! the irony is that as you say every minute is now even more precious but my dd is a few feet away and i could be playing with her, but am MNetting. she seems happy though heehee.

Sorry katkit - that wasn't supposed to make you feel bad, only if you decide later not to continue your job FT, then you won't be alone. 1000s of women work FT and both mum and baby cope absolutely fine - as Lizcat has proved.

BubbaAndBump no worries. your advice has helped!

You may quite well feel very differently about leaving her when she is 10.5 months old. At the moment she probably cant even sit up on her own - by then she will likely be cruising and crawling, playing with toys, babbling away. She will be a different baby.

I went back to work both times at six months. At around 3 months I couldnt bear the idea of leaving them - by the time I went back I was ready. Yes I missed them but it was fine because I enjoyed what I do. If this is your dream job it will be much easier than a job you are doing just to survive.

My DD was an easy baby (number 2) but DS (first born) was a bit of a grizzly nightmare. He was high maintenance - needed to be cuddled / held most of the time (would not sit in bouncer or lie on a mat for example) and 95% of the time that had to be with me - not even DH. He cried a lot and was also very busy - wanting entertaining than just a cuddle.

However when he went to nursery at 6 months old he was absolutely fine - it shocked everyone! He was happy and cheerful and really enjoyed it. Didnt even cry when I left him. DD was a similar dream nursery baby but was also a very chilled out little girl in general.

They are now 4 and 2 and certainly not damaged in any way by going to nursery full time. They still know I am mummy and that they are loved, just that they go and play with their friends all day.

As a slight disclaimer I am able to work flexibly so drop off at 7.30 am (they are up anyway) and pick up at 4 so I feel I have a few hours with them in the evenings anyway. would you be able to work flexibly at all or is it very much 9 - 5?

Katkit. If you're going to be a webmaster, then as soon as you can, investigate being set up to work from home one or two days a week.

KatKit I'm not quite in your position as OH is a sahd, but my first week back I work, I had to leave extra early as I would pull over on my way into work and cry uncontrolably for about 10 minutes.

DD is fine, and going from strength to strength. Look at the postitive thinsg you are teaching your daughter
1.) you can have your dream job if you work hard enough for it.
2.) women are just as capable in the work place.

And just think of how special the time you do get spend together will be. DD used to only want to spend time with my OH, now as soon as she sees me she just wants to picked up and hugged, and gives me big sloppy wet baby kisses.

You don't know until you try it. What you do have is the advantage of time so:

1. Get your child care sorted well in advance and make sure your little one is settled in. At 10 months she will be at the peak of clingyness so getting her to accept and thrive in a childcare setting early is key. Both mine started in nursery gradually before I returned to work and it made it a lot easier that at least in the early days, nursery days were 'normal' for them when 'work days' were far from normal for me.

1. Plan, plan, plan. The things that gets squeezed when you work isn't work or kids - usually you! It means things you take for granted like sending bday cards on time, get missed, you eat crap and never shop properly. So take the next 5 months to get into a routine for online regular food shop, bday cards and pressies for the next 6-12 months etc. If you can, meal plan and fill the freezer.

1. Practice your commute and the nursery drop off. Of your post, this was the one bit that made me think, yeah right. Is there no other option than cycling? Don't understimate how physically tired you will be.

1. Make sure you/DP have a routine for household stuff/laundry and accept that this is one area where you might need to pay for help and/or accept lower standards.

1. At the start of the week have all of your outfits for each day planned, and ditto for little one(this is a bit anal but wasted time is the enemy of working mums).

1. Plan your weekends to do something with DD. Otherwise, you will become sucked into doing chores. If you make a conscious effort for the weekend to be 'her' time at the park/play at home/visit the zoo etc, it helps the guilt.

1. Revel in the fact that you will be a bbetter employee - better at multitasking, prioritising, better focus. If you've raised kids, you can transfer those skills to the workplace.

1. Go easy on yourself. Don't kid yourself it isn't hard but it can be done with you, DD, DP and your employer none the worse for it.

Both my children have gone to nursery full time at 7 months old and both have been fine. They are happy, sociable creatures who love their nursery friends and carers and love our time together when we have it.

My nursery is wonderful, I don't have any qualms about it at all.

I do, however, really miss the kids and would love to have more time with them if possible.

I went back full time when dd was 4 months.

It was simple for her - she did first couple of months with a close friend who is a childminder and who she knew and whose family she knew. Then she went at 6 months into a lovely local nursery where she has been ever since (now 2.8) which she adores (sometimes she won't come home )

She has always just accepted Mummy goes to work. For me it was like having my heart cut out with a spoon for the first fortnight but then it got easier. I think all the comments on getting your child used to it as she will be 10.5 months are spot on. At 4 months my dd didn't have the same clinginess yours might by then.

I know the quote about thoughts on a deathbed - but I think many a poor soul lay on their deathbed and didn't feel they had been as fulfilled as they could have been - had explored their potential to its greatest extent. My work is a vocation for me and I want my daughter to see if you work hard you can do a job you love and is interesting and which it is never a chore to get up in the morning to do. Sometimes you can't pick up the threads after a maternity break that is too extended - that's just life. Everything you do once you have children becomes a compromise - that's the reality and you can only do your best. Bravo, and chin up in the first few times.

Totally agree barristermum about the oft-quoted deathbed thing. It kind of assumes that all work is mind numbingly boring, and that no one (obviously) would look back on their life and wish they'd spent more time doing something tedious.

However, I am sure as you say, that many people probably look back over their life and perhaps wish they'd achieved a wider range of things, or explored their skills and potential in more ways. Having children is wonderful, and parenting is certainly something to look back on with great pleasure, but there are very many other things in life which bring fulfilment too.

The OP admits that this is her dream job. It's not a case of choosing children or career, so why not find fulfilment in both?