Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to refuse to look after my own don next week?

39 replies

winnybella · 22/08/2010 20:53

The background: I have left exP when DS was 4 (he's 8 now). ExP was emotionally and, on few occassions, physically abusive.

However, he does love DS very much and so we decided to do the 50/50 in terms of looking after DS- week with me, week with him. We live only a mile apart and, after a first year, where ex was being an arsehole whenever he saw me, it has been working out well- we managed to have a civilised, if somewhat cold relationship.

But: ex often asks me to look after DS for a day or two or to pick him up from school etc when it's his week. He works as a freelancer, so fair enough, it's difficult to always predict his next job etc. I've never refused, although his attitude of expecting that I will do it as opposed asking me nicely has always annoyed me a bit.

So, now he's saying that he's working next week, on Thursday, so I'll have to have DS. I say, well, let me see what I have planned for that day. He says (in a nasty tone of voice): 'What, are you working? Oh, wait, you don't work, do you? So what can be so important that you can't look after your own son?". I said that it's not really his business and that I'll get back to him re Thursday. He said few more 'lovely things' and hung up on me.

So, AIBU to not look after DS next Thursday? It's true I haven't worked since DD was born (am going back in October, most probably), but that is not the point.

I'm fed up with him just 'telling' me when it's not convienient for him to look after DS, and also, since he is working, that surely he can sort out a babysitter?

OP posts:

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 20:54

my own son, obviously!

OP posts:

compo · 22/08/2010 20:57

Tricky one

if he's working wouldn't you rather have ds than a babysitter have him? How would he feel you being at home with dd and him farmed out to childcare

I wonder for how much longer the one week here, the next week there thing can realistically work. The older he gets the more settled he needs to ve so he can do homework, afterschool activities maybe, see his friends?

colapips · 22/08/2010 20:59

No YANBU for him just to expect you to do it. But would you prefer your ds to go to someone he may not know, just because it was someone that your ex found conveniently at the last minute or to come to you, if you don't have anything on.

Of course, if you do have plans for thursday, then think carefully before cancelling them, but if it's somewhere that you need childcare for dd, could your ds go along to? and your ex pay for your ds care?

alicet · 22/08/2010 21:02

I think rather than just refusing to have ds you need to explain to him why this situation is getting to you.

YANBU to be annoyed at this presumption that you will always have your ds and not ASK. I would be too. But I don't think you're necessarily doing the best by your ds to push this one.

I would call your ex back once you have calmed down and say that on this occasion you will have your ds on Thurs. But that in the future it is not on for him to just presume that you have no plans and will always have ds at his convenience (especially when you go back to work) so he needs to have contingency plans in place. And perhaps say that if you have him for a day in his week you expect that he will return the favour for you occasionally in your week.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:02

Well, compo, that's exactly the problem: I don't want DS to feel like he's in the middle of, or the reason for, any conflicy between me and ex.

AT the same time, ex has used in past a couple of babysitters that DS knows and likes, so I suspect it's just ex not wanting to spend money.

I actually had some plans for next week, but of course I would take DS if it was important.

But I just feel being taken for granted, and in a way it's almost like an extension of his abuse- ie him always wanting to be in control of the situation and tell me what to do.

I have looked after DS many, many times during ex's week. Just getting fed up with his attitude, being nasty and expecting me to help him out whenever he demands it.

OP posts:

alicet · 22/08/2010 21:04

cross posted winnybella - if you have plans I would tell your ex that you have plans and so unfortunately on this occasion you can't help out.

Then have the other conversation.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:04

alicet- I already have told him that, many times, ie that I don't mind, but I expect to be asked politely and for him to have a backup plan if I won't be able to.

It had no effect.

OP posts:

AnyFuleKno · 22/08/2010 21:06

your ex sounds a bit of an arse, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. That's your son, and he needs to know that you love him and want him around. It's really really sad when it becomes about parent's diaries

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:13

AnyFuleKno...yes, I know, I know...

But does that mean that I should always be on call?

I'm not sure this 50/50 thing is working out, tbh. It would probably be easier for DS to have one 'main' home and see his dad on the weekend or something.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 22/08/2010 21:19

Isn't the issue here that it's the ASSUMPTION that OP will drop everything? Asking at least shows a level of respect.

OP, he only lives down the road, he's freelance so he'll have some quiet days...very similar to my situation. Tit-for-Tat works well for us usually. At the moment my exP is storing up brownie points so he can go on holiday.

It doesn't work all the time, but we usually get round it. In the future you might get a job/go on a course, so you won't always be so flexible. Sort it now!

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:24

Yup, tallwivglasses, exactly, plus sometimes I do have plans that need to be changed.

Glad it's working out well for you.

I guess I might need ex's help in the future, but frankly I'm quite well organised ie have a couple babysitters that I can call, plus DP can be always counted on.

OP posts:

AnyFuleKno · 22/08/2010 21:27

winnybella, do you have to always be on call? well you're his mum so yes, pretty much. Isn't that what being a parent is all about?

A good friend of mine used to do 50/50 custody of her young son. I found it unbearably sad for the poor kid, because it was all about making it equal for the parents and making everything fair. But he had no stability, no base.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/08/2010 21:29

If you don't work then yabu imo.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/08/2010 21:33

Also I think if you were a man posting you would get a roasting for refusing to have your child whilst your ex is working.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:34

AnyFule- of course I'm there for my son.

I just question being demanded to drop everything because ex does not want to pay for childcare. I do pay for a babysitter and I don't ask him- because the arrangement was 50/50.

If ex was a nice, considerate person or had genuine reasons for asking- of course I would try to help him out. That is not the case, though.

And yes, I am aware that me refusing and ex telling DS that 'your mum doesn't want to take care of you, she doesn't love you' or similar would be horrible for DS.

Still, I feel that seeing how ex was abusive for years I have a right to question his assumption that I will always be there to help out when he doesn't feel like paying for a babysitter.

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/08/2010 21:36

It isn't about you getting back at your ex.

It is about you having your son.

You are being churlish in not having him and using him to get one over.

It isn't his fault if your ex is an arse.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:37

Can we get it right, please:

It's ex telling me when he's working and when I will need to take DS. He is not asking. He is extremely rude. It is not a case of helping each other out- it's only him assuming I have to do it, whenever he wants.

I suspect there's nothing I can do, is there?

OP posts:

lilackaty · 22/08/2010 21:42

I can't believe people's response on here. YANBU - of course you are not. I completely understand how you feel as I am in a similar situation (not 50/50) care though.
If xh will tell ds that you are refusing to have him, then yes you will have to have him but maybe when you are working too it will sort itself out as you won't be able to drop everything.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:42

Geek, I did not say I won't have him next week- I asked whether I would be unreasonable to do so, taking onto account the fact that ex is not really taking the whole 50/50 deal seriously and is being verbally abusive on top of that.

I just thought that if I refused, just this once, ex would think twice about thinking I'm at his beck and call. He would need to pay a babysitter. DS is 8, not 2, and can amuse himself very well- and the girl he would be likely to use is very nice.

But, no, I don't want DS to feel like I don't want him- although I did have something planned- but not that important, I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:45

Thanks, lilackaty.

Yes, it's not about getting back at ex- as a matter of fact I wish him well- he's my son's father,after all and I have no need for any sort of revenge.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 22/08/2010 21:45

I would ring back and say that you have rearranged an appointment on this occassion, it can be done this time - but in the future you will not be able to just rearrange things at his convienence, he just needs to possibly try to work his diary around things a bit more. Of ocurse you would like to be able to help out when you can and for him to help out when he can - but you are both parents of equal measure. Say you get a babysitter and he really needs to think about babysitters if his work is clashing to much with his parneting

i am sre though you could put it far better than my bluntness..yiks

i do knwo what you mean though as I work on the saturday that my dd goes to her dad - he has on more than one occassion phoned on a friday night and said I am not coming because somethign has come up...oh right then so he didn't organise a babysitter but drops me in it due to his life arrangements and yet he doesn't work ona saturday - now dd2 is 11 she has told me to go to work for 3.5 hours and she will ring my neighbours if their is a problem (I have a mature dd and lots of excellent neighbours) - but dd2 has a borther of 6 and his mum also works one in 6 and she had to ring work to say she was not able to come in - it is really frustrating. For me I took my dd2 to work with me the other times - work are great as they know its not my fault (thats not the point though)

What will happen to child care when you do go back to work?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/08/2010 21:46

winny I see what you're saying, but it isn't actually about the power struggle between you and your ex.

If you dig your heels in about it, the only person losing out is your DS which obviously is the last thing you want.

Refuse to make an issue out of it - he is your son and of course you will care for him. Don't let your ex use it as a weapon between the two of you.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/08/2010 21:58

ivy- I have tried telling him that many times. I am really not averse to helping him out if there's an emergency or he's going on holidays etc.

But if he knows about a job 5 days (at least) in advance...surely, if he's a parent as well, he can sort out a babysitter?

Your ex cancelling a night before- poor you.

Alibaba- you're right, I know.

I will take DS, but I'm just really annoyed with ex. Either it's 50/50 and we're both responsible parents or I take a full custody, if ex can't deal with such basics as organizing childcare.Grrr.

Thanks for your input.

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 22/08/2010 22:00

YABU. You're not working, he is. life doesn't always work out convenient.

atswimtwolengths · 22/08/2010 22:01

Maybe you should put that to him, about sole custody?

I think you're both being unreasonable. He should be more respectful and ask you politely whether you are free. As you are not working, you should have your child rather than a babysitter.

This sort of situation can only work if both partners respect each other's parenting styles, free time, other relationships etc. It doesn't sound like he does respect you, so in your position, I would be speaking to him about sole custody.

Flip

1 2