to refuse to look after my own don next week?

[winnybella]

The background: I have left exP when DS was 4 (he's 8 now). ExP was emotionally and, on few occassions, physically abusive.

However, he does love DS very much and so we decided to do the 50/50 in terms of looking after DS- week with me, week with him. We live only a mile apart and, after a first year, where ex was being an arsehole whenever he saw me, it has been working out well- we managed to have a civilised, if somewhat cold relationship.

But: ex often asks me to look after DS for a day or two or to pick him up from school etc when it's his week. He works as a freelancer, so fair enough, it's difficult to always predict his next job etc. I've never refused, although his attitude of expecting that I will do it as opposed asking me nicely has always annoyed me a bit.

So, now he's saying that he's working next week, on Thursday, so I'll have to have DS. I say, well, let me see what I have planned for that day. He says (in a nasty tone of voice): 'What, are you working? Oh, wait, you don't work, do you? So what can be so important that you can't look after your own son?". I said that it's not really his business and that I'll get back to him re Thursday. He said few more 'lovely things' and hung up on me.

So, AIBU to not look after DS next Thursday? It's true I haven't worked since DD was born (am going back in October, most probably), but that is not the point.

I'm fed up with him just 'telling' me when it's not convienient for him to look after DS, and also, since he is working, that surely he can sort out a babysitter?

Yes, but hairytriangle- I am not responsible for his life, am I? I actually do not owe him anything. I do to my son, yes. But not to my ex, who, may I say it again, was and still can be an abusive man. No, sorry, if we decide on 50/50 and then he does not feel like paying for a babysitter (or taking DS to school run centre, which DS actually likes and then paying for babysitter just to pick him up-so not much money at all)- why should I be responsible for his choices? Wasn't it enough to have been on the receiving end of his abuse for years- am I supposed to be there whenever he wants so he doesn't have to pay a babysitter?

Again, we're not talking about helping out in emergency. Are you saying I should always be available because ex works? I do not exactly sit on my arse whole day either, looking after DD, studying for a degree etc etc.

My issue is with him thinking, exactly like you, that I will always be there to save him some money. But then it's not 50/50, is it? It's not exactly being a responsible parent who can deal with the consequences of working? I am going back to work in a couple of months and I wouldn't even dream of calling ex all the time to take DS.So perhaps we should think about DS staying with me and seeing his dad twice a week or whatever.

I think it would be less confsusing for your DS if he really did spend one week with you and one week with his dad. I think it's probably good for him to have a proper routine with this things, rather than move back and forwards according to your, or in this case your ex's agenda.

Winny, I'd tell him that you can take your son on that thursday but that you'd better keep him for the rest of the week until it's your turn for custody again.

It is about him still controlling you, anything to pull your strings and using the kids is an ideal solution because you'll never say no to your children.

I'd get outside advice on this if I were you, women's aid would be able to help.

In your situation I would propose sole custody I think.
As your DS gets older then he's going to need a base more and more - just in terms of things like homework, after school activities, it will get harder logistically to have things in two houses.

Do you have a legal agreement in place regarding the shared care or is it something you've just verbally agreed between you?

Exactly, this to and fro is not great for DS, Fallen.That's why I would like it to be a week here and week there- which is already a lot of to and fro, bt at least DS knows that every Friday he goes to the other parent's house. At least there's some routine in that.

We decided on 50/50 because we thought it would be best for DS, btw, not for us. I'm not so sure anymore.

mrspnut- I'm afraid you're right . That's why I'm so annoyed.

Women's Aid? Isn't that for more serious problems of abuse?

Alibaba- no, we just agreed between us.

Well, I would probably sit down with your ex and explain why you want it to be properly 50:50 (routine, DS knowing where he needs to be, stability etc) before you bring up the idea of changing residency. Because that really would scupper your working relationship surely? And that mightn't be great for your DS either. If he's got into the habit of relying on you for childcare when it is his week with DS, then he should probably at least of the opportunity to get out of the habit. But I think you do need to talk about it, and make the situation very clear. For your DS's sake.

YANBU to expecy him to ASK if a change in plan is ok!

oops Expect. But I quite liked expecty

Women's aid is for anybody suffering any kind of abuse, we're here to listen and offer advice. I think it would be good for you to talk to your local outreach team for some general support.

Thanks all, you're lovely.

Fallen- no, DP says he loves DS- he wouldn't mind at all.

I will try to have a conversation with him one more time. I don't necessarily want to do anything drastic. As you all say, whatever is best for DS- but this is hard to be sure of iyswim. He loves his dad, likes being with him.

tall- yes, that's what I would like- just a bit of respect, really

Thanks, mrspnut, will consider it

I think another side most haven't seen is that what kind of example would the op be setting if she just went along with the ex's demands despite a 50/50 arrangement agreed before?
I want my son to grow up knowing i love him, but also that im not a push over and will not be abused etc.
OP if your ex can or will not stick to 50/50 then i would push for sole custody, and have him at yours most of the time and 2 days a week at his dads.
He sounds like he is trying to control you and your life dispite not being a big part of it, not on.
oh and YADNBU :)

Thanks, OTTMummA. That is a very valid point you made.

Will mull it over. Poor DS.

Winny I can see where you are coming from as well. It's not about having your son or not, it's about the Ex feeling he can dictate to you how it's going to be. It doesn't matter if you are working or not - you may have plans that aren't able to include DS and why shouldn't you, at that time you aren't meant to have him in your care, you can't plan you whole life around 'maybe' having DS incase it's not convenient for the Ex to have him at that point and time.

I would tell him that you will have him this time but that in future if he doesn't ask nicely the answer will be no - point out that you are not his 'on-call staff' and to stop treating you as though you are.

Then next time if he 'tells' you and doesn't ask you, simply say no, it's not convenient....after a few times he'll either organise a babysitter or get his act together and ask you nicely...

This isn't about your Son, being there for him, loving him, you not working or anything else - it is simply about him treating you like he owns your time.