to not want 'MIL' at the birth? and other things....

[LucyLouLou]

I'm really quite lucky in a lot of ways with my situation as though I'm not with the father of my unborn DD, we are on good terms, we are friends and we are definitely planning on a co-parenting situation. However, the last few days have seen a few little niggly issues come up.

The first is that MIL (well obviously not my MIL as we're not married, but hopefully you get what I mean!) has said some things that make me think she wants/expects to be at the birth. This is absolutely NEVER going to happen. If anyone's mother is going to be there, it will be mine, and I'm not yet sure if I'm comfortable with that (my actual birth partner is the father). It's not that I don't like MIL because I do, she's lovely and she wants to be involved with the baby and I'm happy for her to be very present. But AIBU to not want her at the birth?

I'm also thinking right now that I don't want visitors in hospital at all (bar my DD's father and a potential second birth partner), but when I mentioned this to a friend, the look I got from her made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing. Should I let people visit? I don't plan on being in there very long, I just would rather people come see me and DD when we are at home. Has anyone had this 'policy' and how did it go down?

Another MIL issue is that she is already making plans to take my DD out for walks and little trips. I don't mind this, in fact I think it's quite sweet that she is so looking forward to it, but I've got a horrible feeling she's going to want to do it in the newborn days and early months and since I plan to breastfeed, I don't know how feasible this will be, and I don't know if I'm going to want her nabbing my baby. What is an appropriate age for a baby to be apart from her mum for say....2 to 3 hours? And further from that, overnights? And how do you handle a MIL who thinks differently?

Tbh, if I was advising anyone else on these issues, I would be saying put your foot down and if they don't like it, they'll have to lump it. But truth be told, I really do like my 'MIL'. I always have liked her. I think she's going to make a fantastic GM and I don't want to upset anyone.

Any advice would be very welcome!

It's perfectly reasonable to not want your own mother or his there at the birth. My mother came to drop off something when I was in hospital in labour and I was so annoyed. Hard to explain why.

Stick to your guns about no visitors, I too have banned them and also for the 1st two weeks after the birth. It was ruined last time by other people coming to our house and saying and doing silly things that upset me.

Just tell her its everyone, not just her. Also say they wontlet more than two in for the birth, so no room. Let the babies dad tell her.

you are worrying too lunch, but thats fine!

as a single mum to be dont burn your bridges, you will NEED help

the whole newborn/BF thing will sort itself out, she will be able to see that baby is eating every hour/2 hours. again in a few weeks you will WANT someone to walk baby when you have a 1-2 hour nap. after 3 hours of broken sleep in 2 weeks trust me if someone offers to take baby for a walk so you can nap/shower you will bite her hand off!!!!

say NO to birth, explain you are only allowed 2 people (this is usually the case) and its your ex and your Mum/sister, thats understandable

after birth, just play it by ear, you might be home in a few hours, you cant plan it

its going to be fine, you like her. chill

First: YANBU not to want your mother-out-law (that's what I call mine - and she knows, and laughs about it)at the birth. It's a bit of a personal and private thing between you and the baby's father.
It is great that you have a good relationship with the MOL and that you feel able to allow your child to have all available grandparents - I'm sure my daughter benefits from this. You need to explain to her how you feel (and I know that is easier said than done), COuld the baby's father help? Best to do it now rather than after the baby is born and you are awash with weird hormones which WILL affect your ability to reason/see things in perspsective/behave like a human being.
Best of luck.

YANBU at all.

an if you are Bf a newborn, baby won't be able to have any long stretch of time away from you (i think by 6 weeks baby could go 3 hrs max between feeds during the day..but it depends on the baby, and is not so preditable... and frankly the point of any newborn spending time with anyone other than its mother in those first few weeks is beyond me....)

Gps have many years to get to know their GC, they don't have to do it in those first few months when it just makes the mother uncomfortable (and, possibly, engorged!)

I like my MIL as well but there is no way in I want her in the same room as me. I don't even want my mother there. DH and I that is it!!!
As to the visiting and minding issue. See how you feel. If you are breastfeeding it may not be possible but maybe you could negotiate some GM and bub time at your house where you grab a kip or something.

You sound like a very considerate person, and much nicer than me, because if my MIL (or anyone else) wanted to be at the birth of my baby I would have to tell them politely to F off. You are not being unreasonable AT ALL, your MIL is if she expects this.

Secondly, I think you are NBU not to want visitors at the hospital, I feel that it is hard enough coping with hormones, leaking from every orifice and possible in pain / discomfort, without having people sitting watching you. But your feelings may change after you have the baby, so play that by ear. You might be mad to get showing your baby off to the world ASAP!

Also on the days out and trips - you will know when the time comes when you feel comfortable letting your baby be away from you. Don't worry too far ahead of yourself about this. Your MIL as been through all this as well, and if you explain (gently) she will probably understand perfectly. I hope all goes well for you and your little babs xxx

If your relationship with your MIL is as good as you say, then best to broach this subject with her now. YANBU to not want her at the birth and to see how things go once baby arrives before committing to visitors and her looking after baby for a few hours or so. I am sure there will come a point when you will be only too grateful for her help to give you break when the time comes. But please please talk to her about this now - if she really is as nice as you say she should understand. GOOD LUCK!

she sounds like a lovely lady, have you explained it to her like you have here?

do you not even want her in the waiting room?

for the walks and things why not wait to see how you feel at the time? she'll understand you not wanting a newborn to leave your sight :-)

mine is 4 months and i love getting a couple of hours to myself or with DH when he is occasionally stolen by relatives! this happens about once or twice a week and the longest i have left him is 3 hours, its usually less than 2. i didn't leave him at all for the first 2 months as advice is not to express before 6 weeks, perfect excuse not to ;-)

YANBU. I wouldn't want my MIL at the birth. My DH was there and I would actually like my best friend to be at my next one but I don't think DH is keen on that idea.

Also YANBU for not wanting visitors in hospital. I restricted who I had while I was in. My nan and grandad (they brought me up), my dad and brothers and PIL. Everyone else had to wait until we were home and they had to wait 5 days. Even then I didn't feel ready but we were really being pressured. Be very clear on who you want to visit and when from early on!!

You could let your and ex parents visit in hospital and thats it and everyone else can wait? If you don't let them see you in hospital, they are going to be asking constantly when they can come when you are home, and speaking from my experience, I wanted a good few quiet days alone at home. I found it easier to have the few visitors I did have at the hospital.

With regards to MIL taking your DC out, play that by ear and do it when you are ready to. Don't be pinned down to, say, "oh when DC is 4 weeks it will be ok" You won't know until you get him into a routine etc.

I let my ILs take DS for a whole day once. They came and picked him up in their car (which was more like a cardboard box on wheels) when they brought him back his straps were not done up properly and MIL didn't seem at all bothered or apologetic. They didn't take him in the car after that. It was also too long for me. I wish I could remember how old DS was but I know he was young. I didn't let anyone have him for that long again.

Thanks ladies, think I might have a word with the father, it's suddenly struck me I haven't mentioned how uncomfortable I would be with his mum there. I'm not sure if he has picked up on any of her comments. He's a teacher, but he's not the quickest to notice these things! Maybe it will be better coming from him if he just dropped it into conversation. I don't want to make her think she is specifically banned from the hospital, it really is everyone I don't want there if I can help it. At least that's how I feel at the moment anyway.

I quite like the idea of having no one but me and the dad with our DD for a couple of days at home as well, but I'm worried people would be upset about that. I wouldn't mind having my mum come in for an hour or so once we're back and settled on the first day, but I guess that's not really fair on MIL....I don't know.

cardibach - I LOVE MOL as a term....think I'll start using that lol.

LucyLouLou - thanks! we just need a term for that relationship, don't we. I've gat a FOL too, collectively they are the outlaws.

Regarding who you want to visit you in the Hospital or at home in the early days, it's up to you and the baby's father. However, I'd do what someone else suggested and wait and see. YOu might feel differently fater the birth.

I'm wondering why you don't want a relationship with this man!

As far as the birth goes, you should have just the child's father if that's what you want. It's very unusual to have a mother in law there so it's not as though she's going to be able to point to lots of other people who've done that. Maybe she thinks you'd feel easier having her rather than her son, if you're no longer together.

As far as hospital visitors go, I'd just see how long you're in for. If you're only there for a few hours then obviously you won't want visitors. I was in for a week - on the first day the other visitors came in early (snuck in past the midwives) whereas my husband (then) came in dead on time - I was bawling my eyes out by then, thinking nobody cared enough to visit.

Oh and don't let anyone visit you on the third day - just stock up the chocolate for that day is all I will say!

YANBU to not want her at the birth.
YANBU to not want visitors either. I didn't want any. Having said that, getting them out of the way in the hospital meant we weren't bothered at home! It might be something worth considering.

YANBU, but try not to antagonise or alienate anyone who might potentially be a source of help or support to you and DD. Try and word it as tactfully and gently as you can...

YANBU -
For me, giving birth is a private experience,
the last person I would want watching me half-naked, screaming, sweating, swearing would be my ex-boyfriend's mum!
And as for afterwards, well I wish I'd had the guts to tell people to stay away for a few days. Trying to recover, bond, and/or trying to get to grips with BFing with a bloody audience gawping at you is a bit annoying. I know people are excited and want to see the baby, but I had second cousins of ExDP's (who I didn't even know!) turning up and just sitting there drinking tea, watching me struggling to get LO to latch on, when I just wanted them to bugger off! That is not going to happen this time!

YANBU to not want your MIL at the birth and you are YANBU to want to keep visitor to a minimum until you are feeling up to it.

Maybe tell everyone you want to wait and see how the birth goes and how you feel then get in touch to arrange when they can see you.

I very much regret having too many visitors with my first DC . I had an em cs and was expressing so I wished people would bugger off as I was tired and in pain. So second time around we kept everyone away until I was ready (planned cs), I was happy in hospital reading the papers, watching the TV and feeding DD, MIL & FIL didn't even visit for 2 weeks after I got out. Bliss.

Can you frame it in terms of you wouldn't want her having to hang around for an indefinite amount of time in the hospital, and that it might be better if she was the person that your ex could go home to after the hospital boots him out, so that he's got someone to debrief to? My DH said it felt really weird going home at 4am to a quiet house and it was a peculiar time to phone anyone to rave about our son and talk about how bowled over he was by new fatherhood.

PS DH wanted his brother there. His actual brother. It didn't happen.

yanbu at all!
we had a no visitors policy too...after a week and a half we 'booked' pepoles visits (we lived a long way away and they had to stay for a weekend to be worth it) they stayed at b&b's NOT in our tiny 1 room flat!

everybody went along with it although they had ALL expected to come for the birth and stay!

the reason i gave was that dp and i needed to learn how to be parents ourselves.our way.once we felt we at least had a basic grasp,they could come.

this time around i will let them visit at the hospital AFTER the birth,AFTER i've had a sleep!

See, I think I would be okay with my mum visiting in hospital, but I'm very conscious of balancing what I want with what is fair to those who will want to meet the baby. And it might sound really selfish, but the hospital stay feels like my time, so I should be able to make the rules. I know that probably sounds really horrible, but I'm very aware that I'm not going to look or feel my best and I would like to have some control over what goes on. I know if I don't address this, I'm going to get people just turning up, so it's definitely something I will have to talk about. DD's father is first on the list for that chat so he can have a word with his mum!

I'm not going to compromise on the birthing partner issue and I'm grateful you lovely ladies have seen where I'm coming from. The chances are that DD's father will be the only one there, but I'm reserving the right to call on an alternate. Just need to make it clear that won't be MIL I suppose. I desperately don't want to offend her though, so I will have to tread carefully.

I'm wondering if I could possibly get away with saying no one comes to the hospital and no one comes to the house the day we come home, then after that, we will stagger short visits. I don't want anyone showing up without calling first, I will have to make that clear as well I guess. I have a neighbour who I have a feeling will try to get in and have a look at the baby straight away, not sure how I'm going to handle that one lol.

cardibach - so many people seem to be in our positions these days, we definitely do need an official name for it. I love MOL though, outlaws made me chuckle!

atswim - as for why we're not together, we never were a couple (which probably doesn't make me seem too good but oh well lol) and tbh I don't think we'd make a good one (personalities mesh as friends, but not as more IYGWIM). He's a wonderful person who will make a brilliant father though.

You are completely right to restrict who is there at the birth. Some women (and I am one) go into themselves completely during labour and need things to be really quiet and private in order to labour properly. Impossible to do that with an audience! :)

Regarding visitors - you might want to rethink this. At the hospital, visiting hours will be short and restricted, and you can have a lot more control. The midwives where I gave birth even said that they would boot people out or lie about the visiting times if the Mum needed a bit of rest.

At home, you will find it hard to say "right, you've seen the baby, had your cup of tea, now bugger off and leave me alone!". And there is no definite cue to get them to leave. Also, as hinted earlier in the thread, you will probably hit a shaky patch at 3 to 4 days when your hormones go a bit mad. This will pass, honestly, but at the time you might feel very teary and struggle a bit. Unfortunately, 3 to 4 days seems to be the time when everyone thinks that you've had a day or two at home to settle and now it's time to visit!

Depending on how old your MOL () is, you might need to remind her that postnatal care is very different than it was in her day. In the 60s and early 70s, it was completely normal to stay in hospital a week (or even longer) and be waited on hand, foot and finger. Nowadays you are in for a day, or possibly less, and the baby will room in so you will be doing all the changing, feeding and getting very little sleep. So she might assume that you will feel the same as her, when she left hospital, forgetting that she actually got some rest. :)

Good luck, by the way, it sounds as though, handled well, you are going to have fantastic support. :)

I do find it strange that older women who have given birth somehow fail to appreciate that other women might not want them hanging around while in labour/pushing out, etc.

I know I've been educated a lot from reading topics on Mumsnet (thanks!), but even before MN existed I would have regarded it as strange for a mother, let alone a MIL/MOL, to even think about being present at the birth (unless very specifically requested).

Have they all forgotten? Have they all spent too much time watching those ghastly US programmes where vast numbers of people (probably including their next-door-neighbour's cousin) congregate in the hospital room?

I had my babies back in the 1970s where first-time mums were in for 10 days. I absolutely hated that, it was like Prisoner Cell Block H, but at least it restricted visitors (other than partners) to an hour on Saturday and Thursday evening. MrsTittleMouse makes a good point - get your MOL to think back to when she gave birth.

YANBU.

Your MOL is though.

Especially about the visitors. I was in for 3 days with DD1 and am still embarassed about having catheter etc on display in front of ILS. Do what works for you, but honestly I would say it NOW, don't see "how it pans out", otherwiser you might not maintain that very patient and considerate attitude that you have now when you are hormonal and tired! Good luck!

Like others said it sounds like you're going to have great support but you are absoultely not BU to not want MOL there.

It always amazes me to hear that people other than the parents want to be/assume they will be at the birth! Its such a private and special thing.

I would keep an open mind about the hospital visiting as you might change your mind. When the time came I couldn't wait for people to see my ds's and to speak about about what happened (long labour, emcs, big baby) - almost like debriefing! Also as a pp said its a lot easier in hospital, once you get home its hard to shift some visitors. I learnt with ds1 and by the time ds2 came I would just say I was tired/ds needed a feed and disappear upstairs till they'd gone - didn't offend anyone as far as I know.

Good luck with everything!