to not want 'MIL' at the birth? and other things....

[LucyLouLou]

I'm really quite lucky in a lot of ways with my situation as though I'm not with the father of my unborn DD, we are on good terms, we are friends and we are definitely planning on a co-parenting situation. However, the last few days have seen a few little niggly issues come up.

The first is that MIL (well obviously not my MIL as we're not married, but hopefully you get what I mean!) has said some things that make me think she wants/expects to be at the birth. This is absolutely NEVER going to happen. If anyone's mother is going to be there, it will be mine, and I'm not yet sure if I'm comfortable with that (my actual birth partner is the father). It's not that I don't like MIL because I do, she's lovely and she wants to be involved with the baby and I'm happy for her to be very present. But AIBU to not want her at the birth?

I'm also thinking right now that I don't want visitors in hospital at all (bar my DD's father and a potential second birth partner), but when I mentioned this to a friend, the look I got from her made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing. Should I let people visit? I don't plan on being in there very long, I just would rather people come see me and DD when we are at home. Has anyone had this 'policy' and how did it go down?

Another MIL issue is that she is already making plans to take my DD out for walks and little trips. I don't mind this, in fact I think it's quite sweet that she is so looking forward to it, but I've got a horrible feeling she's going to want to do it in the newborn days and early months and since I plan to breastfeed, I don't know how feasible this will be, and I don't know if I'm going to want her nabbing my baby. What is an appropriate age for a baby to be apart from her mum for say....2 to 3 hours? And further from that, overnights? And how do you handle a MIL who thinks differently?

Tbh, if I was advising anyone else on these issues, I would be saying put your foot down and if they don't like it, they'll have to lump it. But truth be told, I really do like my 'MIL'. I always have liked her. I think she's going to make a fantastic GM and I don't want to upset anyone.

Any advice would be very welcome!

If you don't think you want your mother in with you either, you could have a conversation with the father along the lines of 'just want you as a birth partner, don't want anybody else there too' - that way it isn't directly against your MOL, it is against both of them.

And of course, if you are pregnant and hormonal, it's your perogative to change your mind about your mother at the last minute .

Definitely a good idea to get your MIL to reminisce a bit about how it was when she gave birth - give you a chance to find out if she had her MIL in with her (and if she thought that was good/bad) and for you to point out all the differences there are these days.

And definitely don't make any plans about hospital - and say that you aren't going to. If you are only kept in for a few hours then there's no time for them to come, if you are in for a few days you might want visitors (or just the GPs) while there are midwives around to boot the visitors out when you are tired. And then you won't get them rushing over when you first get home and really don't want them!

good luck - hope it all goes well and you get the birth and post-natal time you want!

Honestly, this is a very easy situation to rectify. You simply DON'T tell the entire world when you go into labour! That way, they won't know so they can't show up. So long as you and the father are agreed on that, who cares what anyone else thinks?

I think you are totally right in not wanting anyone at the birth - I can't think of anything worse. You can't really make plans about the hospital anyway because you simply don't know what's going to happen.

If someone was having surgery (as many pregnancies end up) you wouldn't want your MIL there, and you in a hospital blood, gore and baby isn' much differant surely? Why the hell do people think they should be there. I really can't fathom it. It is such an odd idea to me. I'm horrified that DH wants to be in the room, I'd love a 50's style "cough, here's your baby mam. We'll just wash him up and ring the father down from the pub". Dh watching the destruction of my fanjo is pretty disturbing why would I want a whole audience..

What if you poo yourself while she's there!

I don't think you even need to justify it. f course you want to maintain your good relationship with her, but unless she's a very unreasonable woman, she will understand. Since she hasn't explicitly said she wants or expects to be there, assume she won't be, and act very suprised if she does say it.

I don't think you're BU by not wanting uninvited birth partners to be at the birth of your baby. Perhaps you or your DD's father could clarify that with his mum, something along the lines of, "just wondered after something you said last week... you do know that we're planning for it to be just the two of us at DD's birth... we'll let you know when she's born and can work out visiting then".

One way of avoiding all and sundry turning up at the hospital is to steer clear of making FB/text announcements that you've gone into labour etc. If people don't know that the birth might be imminent then they are less likely to turn up uninvited. FWIW, when my DDs were born we didn't tell anyone I was at the hospital until they'd actually arrived (although for DD2 the friends who were helping with childcare obviously knew but they were sworn to secrecy).

As others have said, you don't need to make a decision about hospital visitors now; when DD1 was born I was out 14 hours after her birth (before the end of general visiting) whereas I was in for 3 days+ after DD2's birth so was very keen to be visited (ideally by friends who'd come laden with fresh fruit salads, clean clothes and decent books)! In spite of what the stated visiting hours may be there's nothing to stop you from saying to people that you've been told they can come between 3pm and 4pm (even if it's from 2pm-5pm) as they won't know if you invent sessions with the breast-feeding counsellor/paediatrician etc.

Definitely don't burn your bridges on the walks that your DD's GM has lined up for her. I was extremely grateful to my mum who would come and take DD1 round the block for an hour so I could have a bath. Let her know that you're looking forward to the baths you'll be able to enjoy whilst she's showing-off her granddaughter - you don't have to commit to it being when she's 36 hours old and, there's every chance that she's trying to show her support for what may be a tricky time. The paternal grandparents of separated/never-together-in-the-first-place parents have an extremely anxious time, not being sure whether or not anyone sees a role for them in this baby's life so it's possible this is her way of saying, "LucyLouLou, I want to be this baby's GM and here's a list of the things I think will be helpful to you in the early days...see how willing I am!?! I'll do all the nitty gritty things that no-one else wants to after the first couple of weeks...please let me be her GM".

hugglymugly - I am at your 10 days. I had to leave my postnatal ward in my pajamas, because they were so desperate for the bed that there wasn't even time for my DH to arrive. :( I was just unlucky to give birth when the world and his wife (or rather, just his wife :)) was delivering theirs. They closed the labour ward to new patients shortly after. But I was struggling, and my newborn was struggling, and I really could have done with an extra day. :(

I'm so grateful so many of you have shared your views with me, it's made me feel a lot better about being honest with MIL/MOL () and I'm feeling strong(er) about putting my own views above other people's! I still feel a bit selfish about it, but I'm thinking more like I deserve to be!

Thank you everyone, I will try to have a chat with DD's father tomorrow about making things clear to his mum, and I will report back and let you all know how it goes lol.

Lots of good advice here already LucyLouLou but re the neighbour who comes knocking - stick a note on the door whenever you want/need not to be disturbed, saying "Baby Sleeping - please don't disturb".

Don't worry if the baby is then crying and they'll "guess" you are up & about - most people will respect the sign.

And TBH if all else, simply don't answer the door if you don't want to . It's all about you - it's a time to please yourself first and everyone else second, because the last thing you need is to feel tired, resentful or put-upon.

OMG SE13Mummy it never even crossed my mind she might be worried about me not letting her be a proper GM. Thank you for mentioning that. Now that I think about it, her over eagerness at the moment may well be at least semi-related to that.

Bellepink - great advice about the neighbour. I will stick notes on the garden gate and back door as well. I have a bit of a Dorien Green on my hands IYGWIM!

i think it's fair to say no to the birth - after all, every single bit of you will be on show & it's hugely emotional. i wouldn't want anyone there who i didn't know well enough to have an orgasm in front of, or who was medically necessary.

what happens after, you'll need to play by ear. recovery & emotions after the birth vary greatly. one person i know had her third baby at 2 pm, then went out to dinner with her dh & other kids (and babe) to celebrate the same evening. the other extreme is a poor woman who had such a difficult birth that the hospital advised her that she would be in for 2 weeks, and needed to be signed off work for 6 months to recover.

obviously those two examples are the extremes, but until it actually happens, you don't know what will happen, so don't make any unbreakable rules right now - the father can always ring round people & tell them that you need some time to recover, if that's how you feel afterwards.

LLL, four years ago my parents were looking forward to, and simultaneously dreading, the arrival of my DB's daughter with a 'not-really-girlfriend' of his. They had an awful time, not wanting to stick their noses in whilst wanting to reassure DnotSiL that they wanted to be part of her child's life from day 1 or from whenever she was ready. Their worst fear was that they would have a grandchild living a few streets away (we live 2.5 hours away) but wouldn't be allowed to be grandparents to her. They were so worried about it that they put in place arrangements to move house should that happen :(.

Four years later and things have worked out brilliantly. It took 6 weeks before DnotSiL would allow anyone from my family to meet DN but since that my mum has cared for DN at least one day a week, often more and is often available to look after her if DnotSiL is unwell, needs to do college work or has to do overtime. Mum has bought nappies and formula for DN when DnotSiL really couldn't afford it and has made a point of never interfering in things between her and my DB, even when it's been tricky or they have different partners.

DN, DnotSiL and my parents have a relationship that is completely independent of my DB these days (although he is a very involved, hands-on dad) and I imagine that will be the case for many years to come which is wonderful. Had my mum not been very forthright with offers of help etc. then I imagine my very shy DnotSiL wouldn't have considered that my parents very much wanted to be part of their grandchild's life and our whole family would be a lot poorer for it.

SE13Mummy - you've definitely given me something to think about there. I really want the paternal GPs involved. They are sweet people, they've raised two wonderful boys themselves, so I'm confident my DD will be loved and well cared for by them. In light of what you've told me, I think perhaps I should make a big effort to include them in something now, so they don't feel excluded when it comes to the birth and the early days. When I next have a totally free afternoon, I think I might invite MIL out to do a bit of baby shopping with me.

You're getting some fantastic advice, lots of very wise people on MN obviously .

For my contribution, we allowed the grandparents in on the first visiting session after DS was born (thankfully catheter out and shower had half an hour before they arrived). That way, they all came in and got an hour of clucking and fussing and had met their grandson. Then they were extremely reasonable about when they were next invited down. It took a lot of pressure off for only a little hassle for us.

Good luck, it sounds as though you have great support, which makes all the difference.

LLL, if your notMiL is anything like my mum then I imagine she'll be delighted to be invited, probably the mere mention of your intention to do so would be reassuring.

My mum, on bumping into DnotSiL prior to DN's birth, would offer to buy all sorts of things that she personally thought highly unnecessary simply so she could be helpful rather than interfering. Whilst not funny at the time it is not amusing to look back and see what she bought for DN - she's always been very no-nonsense and no-frills but all her logic went out of the window when it came to winning over DnotSiL!

Had my DnotSiL had the confidence to say, "I definitely want you to be DD's grandparents and for her to grow up knowing you" none of the panic and worrying would have been necessary. Boys are hopeless - they don't chat about names, babygros, pushchairs, nappy rash etc. in the same way and if your DD's father is anything like my DH or DBs wouldn't think to pass on a baby-related nugget of information unless given a specific instruction to do so!

Think it's pretty clear YANBU on any count altho your MIL/MOL sounds a bit enthusiastic rather than horrible or unreasonable.

Re your baby being away from you - I think you;re probably worrying about this this a bit prematurely, you MIL/MOL probably isn't going to do anything you;re uncomfortable with. It's hard to plan how long a baby can be away from his/her mother and from what point as babies (and mothers) vary so much.

You need to give bf time to settle down, see if you get on ok with expressing, get your baby to take a bottle as well as deal with the emotional side of being separated from each other. I've only just let my parents have DS overnight and he's 22 months.

Good luck with it all

Thinking about it, breastfeeding is another issue that you might want to discuss with MOL in advance. It wasn't very common to breastfeed in the 60s and 70s and so she probably formula fed. If you're planning to breastfeed then it would be useful to explain about demand and creating supply now, when everything is calm. That way, she is forwarned that you won't want someone to take the baby away and give it formula, so that you can rest, however well intentioned.

Great idea to include her on shopping trips, by the way. :)

I can see why it might not be appropriate for her to actually be at the birth or in delivery room, and you will need to make this clear, but accept all offers of help afterwards!

If you are on a ward before you come home perhaps let her visit briefly then?

Afterwards - in the first weeks she could:

• come round in the day and hold the baby between feeds while you sleep (don't underestimate this, esp if you and the dad have been up all night with the baby)
• bring you food
• help with cleaning/housework
• take baby for short walks in pram to settle her
• babysit if you want to go out, either at hers or yours (from 4-6 weeks should be able to get out for 2-3 hours between feeds)
• go with if you go shopping if you want to try stuff on

FWIW I have been married to DH for 13 years, and with him for 2 years before that and get on v well with his mum, but it would never have occured to EITHER of us for her to be there while I was giving birth. Totally inappropriate. Or my mother either. If I would have taken anyone would have been my sister or a friend with kids I think.

My brother and his wife had a baby on wed. I went round on saturday morning and held the baby for 3 hours (she wasn't awake the whole time but did wake up a few times). My brother and SIL both put ear plugs in and got 3 hours sleep each and were very happy I was there - they'd been up all night.

Great that your MIL is so enthusiastic about her future grandchild.
I think it would be a bit cruel to deny her to meet your baby at the earliest reasonable opportunity, ie. the first visiting hours after you've had a chance for a good rest AND some time on your own with your baby and his/her father.
Chances are by then you will be looking forward to sharing your joy with her (and others very close to you).

As for her being present at the birth : NO WAY! You are absolutely not BU. But if you MIL expects to be present, perhaps should let her down very gently now, by respect for her and for the relationship you enjoy. Better to nip this one in the bud than to let the possibility of an issue develop.

About her going off on little outings with your DD, obviously she will have to wait until your DD is a few months old.
Do not worry, as a newborn, your DD will completely run the ship and it will be obvious to you (and your MIL) what can and can't be done, hours away and "sleepovers" are unlikely to figure.
Most young babies thrive on " boring" routine and make you regret ever thinking of upsetting the order.
Furthermore at this stage it is important to listen and trust your instinct, and not letting yourself agree with things you are not comfortable with is very much part of it.

If your MIL wants to spend time with DD in the early days, she could have plenty of opportunity to do so (and thus feel really included) providing it is on your terms and helps DD and you. And that you make her understand how much you value her input.
Really, it is all about DD and her parents at this stage. This is just the way it is and your MIL will (should) adjust naturally.
After all she is a mother herself; she could try and remember how the idea of being away from her newborn DS felt.

She can still plan and talk of doing this and that with DD, and you can nod enthusiastically, but the way to handle it is to leave her in no doubt that DD's development dictates when she is ready to enjoy such or such experience and that you are in charge of deciding when this is the case.

In fact, the rule of thumb for all of this is : You Are In Charge, do not let yourself get overpowered by lovely, well meaning grandparents, I suggest An iron hand in a velvet glove approach.

This is what I wished I had done myself.
Hope this helps.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who took the time to respond to my question. I'm really grateful. I'm currently waiting for my DD's father to arrive tonight and I'm going to have a word with him about talking to his mum. I don't think there's any horrible intent in the way she feels, but I do think things have been mentioned enough to make it impossible for me to ignore her comments. I'll be nice about it, and I'll make sure her son knows that too! I want her involved, I just need her to know she won't be at the birth and I won't be relenting on that! And that any outings or extended time spent with the baby will be sorted out over time, and can't really be planned in advance.

I'm going to think more on the idea of having visitors at hospital. The fact that midwives can kick people out is rather appealing, I must say! I will play it by ear though, see how the birth goes before making concrete decisions.

Thanks again everyone, I will let you know how the conversation with DD's father goes! :)

YANBU

I wanted no one there when I had my second child and that is what happened.