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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am wasting this rather lovely man's life?

32 replies

DiscoSquish · 22/08/2010 13:06

OK brief background history:

We met 2 years ago and are very happy together. He is a couple of years younger (I'm mid 40's he has just turned 40) than me and has been in 2 long term relationships before me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. We all get along great.

BUT I know that he would like chidren of his own one day as I asked him a couple of months after we met. I've been sterilised and can't have any more of my own so this isn't an option for us.

I have this little niggling doubt that one day he will resent me for this :(

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/08/2010 13:09

i think you need to talk with him again and find out how important it is to him. and also you have been together two years now, his feeligs may have changed.

MorrisZapp · 22/08/2010 13:09

Well it could go either way. I know people in that situation who have changed their expectations, become great step parents instead and never looked back. I also know people who have eventually broken up over it.

What does your DP say about the fact you won't be having more children?

expatinscotland · 22/08/2010 13:09

Then break up with him.

A friend of mine did this once, with a man 11 years younger than she is.

She'd been sterilised, too, and, as she had children quite young, hers were long grown when she was in her 40s.

Different story if he never wanted children at all, but if it were me and he said he wanted them, I'd do the kinder thing and let him go.

I would have done that at the couple of month mark after you met, tbh, but that's water under the bridge.

If he's still telling you he wants children, that is. If not, have a talk with him about it.

shoshe · 22/08/2010 13:16

I was in exactly the same position, I broke it off.

6 weeks later he turned up on my doorstep, (rather drunk it must be said) in quite a state about it all.

I put him to bed to sleep it off.

The next morning we sat and talked, he had decided that i was more important than children.

We have been married now almost 11 years, and he is a very proud grandfather to DS's daughter.

Original poster
DiscoSquish · 22/08/2010 13:16

The subject has only come up the once at the start of our relationship when I mentioned it out of curiosity, it's never been mentioned since. He loves my children and treats them as his own and they are very fond of him but like your friend they are quite old now (mid teenagers)

I think you're right, I'm going to have to have a chat with him. He's so lovely I can't bear that I might be wasting his life :(

OP posts:
katerum · 22/08/2010 13:20

....or that he might be wasting yours

DinahRod · 22/08/2010 13:22

Ahhh, that's v romantic Shoshe

Original poster
DiscoSquish · 22/08/2010 13:29

He's definitely not wasting mine Katerum I love him to pieces, he's my coup de foudre, my grand passion etc etc. Which is why I need to know if I should let him go, I love him that much :(

OP posts:
KarmaAngel · 22/08/2010 14:08

Well you need to talk to him really, as it may not be an issue for him. But would you consider more children? If so could you adopt/foster?

maryz · 22/08/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasingSquirrels · 22/08/2010 14:24

it depends what he thinks doesn't it - talk to him.

ChallengingCitrusHalibut · 22/08/2010 14:31

Why didn't he have children in either of his two previous long term relationships?

blueshoes · 22/08/2010 14:38

How about IVF? Could you afford it?

BoojaB · 22/08/2010 14:39

How's he getting along in the role of step-dad? Does your daughter live with you/spend a lot of time with you? I'm wondering if having your daughter around satisfies his desire for children of his own. You say you discussed this a couple of months into the relationship, but have you talked about it recently?

BoojaB · 22/08/2010 14:52

People are asking about adoption and IVF etc, but presumably you're against having any more children as you've been sterilised?

MumNWLondon · 22/08/2010 15:00

If you had your tubes tied you can still have IVF.

Are you open to having another child and can you afford IVF?

Best to discuss with him I think....

JaneS · 22/08/2010 15:08

In what order did he say he wanted children, and you tell him you were sterilized? I only say, because some people will say, 'oh yes, I want children' because they're quite happy with the idea and believe this is the correct thing to say in a relationship.

Original poster
DiscoSquish · 22/08/2010 15:38

Sorry a friend popped round, I would LOVE to have more children actually so I will bring that into the conversation as well. I wouldn't mind if it were my biological child or just his so surrogacy etc would be ok with me. We could afford IVF and he has proved to be a much better Dad to my girls than their real dad is, he definitely treats them as his own and they are open and comfortable with him.

He knew I was sterilised within a very short space of time of meeting him when we discussed contraception Blush the discussion about children was a few weeks later.

He's a gem, I really don't want to lose him but at the same time I don't want to be the cause of any future unhappiness for him. I'm going to do what you suggest and talk to him and then if he does want children of his own we can decide what to do.

Thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
blueshoes · 22/08/2010 15:55

disco, he sounds lovely. He is worth pushing the boat out for. All the best.

maighdlin · 22/08/2010 16:30

if you had the talk a few months after you met and he is still there then he is staying for something.

if you have a good chat about it and decide you maybe both want a child then go for it. i am the result of a reverse sterilisation on both sides Grin so it can happen.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2010 17:25

He is a grown man and I'm sure he has thought all this out for himself. He knows you can't have anymore babies (not without help anyway)but is still with you. This indicates that he is happy and values being with you more than having children of his own.

I think that if it was a very big deal for him, then he would have raised the topic already. He may well only want to have babies with the 'right' woman and that woman is you, so if you can't have them, then he doesn't want them with someone else.

Agree that you should talk to him. Perhaps he never considered that you would be prepared to have a surrogate or IVF and hasn't wanted you to feel he is unhappy in any way.

Original poster
DiscoSquish · 22/08/2010 18:15

We have had the chat Grin

Karma is right he would like children he just hadn't mentioned it again because he didn't want to hurt me. We are going to go to the GP and see if it would be possible for me to have a reversal and if that doesn't work then we will have another chat about what to do.

God I'm SO happy thank you so much all of you who gave me the bravery to have it out with him. I'd not posted before just looked at topics but I think you might all be stuck with me now!

OP posts:
maryz · 22/08/2010 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneS · 22/08/2010 18:27

Oh, how lovely! Best of luck with the GP.

Original poster
DiscoSquish · 22/08/2010 18:39

Thanks I'm so excited I never thought I'd have another baby (one way or another)!!! And hes walking around with a huge smile on his face too!!

OP posts: